That’s how I feel exactly. Husband died 8th December. Husbands funeral 21st December after 58 yrs marriage plus loss of my sister and brother 20th Nov and 29th November. Xmas New Year in between spent with family (company) but today on my own it’s really hit home. We all share this terrible ‘lost empty’ feeling.
My thoughts are with all others in this
‘minefield of emotiins’
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so sorry bluecatmum77 for your loss and the DWP problem and attitude. I hope you don’t mind but I too had a problem with them. I was in a daze when my daughter died and my son offered to do the foning 're the funeral grant. I am on pip and oap pension so thought they would help. They paid so much but the funeral parlour asked for £650 to pay the cremation department. my daughter was lying in a mortuary so I paid up as I couldn’t get her cremation to go ahead without this payment. I didn’t get this money refunded to me even though my son was told it would all be paid for. they even said her 18 yr old daughter and 22 year old son should help to pay. they were both stood down from the jobs because of covid and both are still in foster care. I was also told by citizens advice that I should pay for it out of my pip. DWP say to claim for funeral but it is a different story when you do. Plus my 2 grandchildren were both estranged from their mother in the last 10 years due to social work not allowing them to see her. I was bringing them up for the first 9 years before I took very ill and a breakdown. that’s when they had to go into care. All this on top of grief. Sorry for my tale of woe. Best wishes to all who are on here.x mag.x
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It all sounds horrendous @ihad3kidsnowionlyhav x so so sorry x I you get the support you need. I’m s7re there is professik al advice.you can receive on Sue Ryder site. Have a look a t the main site x
WITH LOVE
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Hi gang,
Having a terrible couple of days.
Cant stop looking at his pictures.
Missing him so much.
Feeling so desperate.
Had fo fight off a panic attack last night.
Might have to go to the Drs and get something to calm me down.
It comes and goes in waves, by the hour at the moment.
Struggling to sleep, which is not like me.
Head is really messed up.
Struggling in every aspect of the word.
Reaching out to you all in case you are having a bad day.
Stay strong. Xxx
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So sorry you are having such an awful time. Maybe a trip to the GP will help. Mine was lovely when I asked for some help. He has prescribed antidepressants. The first ones were awful. I had such feelings of anger and had no patience with anything or anyone. But the ones he has given me now have helped enormously. They just even out the feelings of sadness for me so that I’m not on such a see-saw of emotions. I still feel, I still cry and I still miss my lovely man but the edge has been taken off the rawness. They are not for everyone but I for one am in favour of anything to help. Just see what your GP says.
Love Ellie
xx
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It slowly gets better. How long ago was your bereavement ? My husband died on 25th November. I have no family anywhere near. I have waves of despair too. Some days very bad, especially last Sunday. Try and meet up with someone for a walk or call someone on the phone. Watch some distracting tv for a short while to give yourself a break from the anxiety. Once you start sleeping a little better you will feel better. Keep busy. I promise it will get better. This is the second time of widowhood for me!
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Hi gang,
My hubby passed away on 15th Nov.
I am on antidepressants.x
I took a diazepam today.
The ball in my chest felt like it was going to explode.
I want to cry, but cant?
The last week has just been so difficult.
Feel like im going backwards?
Was in a better state of mind 2 weeks ago than i am this week?
If i am no better in another week, i will be phoning the Dr.
I know its still very early days.
Thanks for the messages.of support.
Means a lot.
Stay strong.
Xxx
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@Bluecatmum77 Hope you feel some ‘move forward’ soon. My husband died on the 4th November… The shock and trauma was devastating, it crippled me but, there are things I could face in the first few weeks that I cannot engage in now. I thought I was doing well, and in some ways I am … I’m back at work… as a key worker, I’m full on with my job. I get through. Coming home is harsh, it so so gutting, Im just getting through each minute of each day. I don’t know what I am going to do in My life, my future, I have no idea who I am…
It is hurting @Bluecatmum77… it’s so painful, your grief … don’t judge yourself when and focus on a timeline … Just keep going, that’s all you can do. One.foot in front of the other …
I’ve been fine at work. A kind colleague asked me how I was feeling … she said is it a purple day ! I said I suppose it is today but really it’s pretty purple black at times x
I was not given the blessed time I had with my wonderful husband so that it would destroy my life if he died. I appreciate every hour of every minute with him… this is what I tell myself x
Keep going … it’s ok to feel like you do x x
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I know that backwards feeling.
I have a support bubble with my sister and thought it would help weekends especially Sundays being with others but no, I just felt so down . Her ashes get interned on Thursday. Some say it will start to give me closure I’m not so sure right now. I hope their right. If you could pick and choose when you need others it would be ok but if seems it’s all or nothing,
Take care, stay strong … sometimes xx
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Morning all,
Thank you for your lovely messages.
I managed to get some solid sleep last night.
Hallelujah.
@Cinders21, im not a key worker, but the job i do is classed as an essential service(local government).
Its full on, so does help take my mind of the pain for a few minutes at a time when im dealing with something complex.
I like the term purple black day. That sums it up.
The awful lockdown and weather isnt helping us at all.
@Mickp when i got my Dads ashes, it did help me. He was sat on my sofa for months before me and my sister scattered him
I havnet collected hubbys ashes yet. I dont know when i will be able to part with them when i do.
Its a completely different kind of grief to losing my Dad.
Just as terrible, but different.
The ball in my chest has gone this morning.
Maybe I am in for a numb day?
Sick of his mail coming to the house.
Every day seems to throw something different at me?
Stay strong gang.
Sending love and light. Xxx
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Hi gang,
Just checking in.
Hope you are all ok as you can be.
10 weeks today since the unthinkable happened.
Had a few bad days, BUT the numb are starting to outweigh the bad, so that must be a start right?
Im building myself up to collecting his ashes next week.
I have no idea where to put him?
Bedroom? Lounge?
Think ill feel better when hes home for a bit before we scatter him.
His Mum has been amazing.
She said yesterday im young enough and lovely enough to start again.
I burst into tears and said its going to take me a very long time to get over him.
I dont think i ever will.
I just think i will learn to live my life without him.
Ive lost the 2 great loves of my life.
I really thought i had found my forever.
Life can be very cruel.
I just want to be happy again one day, whatever happy is?
I have cut down on the booze, its not helping.
Im going to treat myself to some proper walking boots, so i can start getting fresh air again.
My hubby wasnt into walking, everything in his life revolved around the football fixtures!
I really miss going for a long walk, then going to the pub for a sunday dinner and few drinks.
The house is quiet. Tidy. I am cleaning for something to do.
Am making plans to rearrange the garden in spring.
Need to start moving forward.
I have gone from being unable to eat, speak, get dressed, to being able to make small plans for the future.
Anyone reading this who is just at the beginning of this nightmare, please read my words and take them in.
You wont believe me. You will think i am spouting rubbish.
I PROMISE you i am not.
I have found coming on here an immense source of support and comfort.
We are all in this together.
Im having quite a positive day, which is just fabulous.
You may not be, thats to be expected.
My next post may be one of pure grief and dispair.
Thats the rollercoaster we are on.
Sending love and light. Xx
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Thursday I buried my dear wife’s ashes. Afterwards I told my stepdaughter I was moving and downsizing to a flat to be nearer my remaining family. Since then she’s been hassling me and the executor of her will demanding information and a copy of the will. Worried I’m going to deplete the value of estate and take money out (she can’t stop me even if that were my intention which it’s not)
I’ve told her she’s a beneficiary after my death and that’s all she needs to know and I’m refusing to allowed her access to the will or a copy of it.
It’s totally stressing me out and I feel worse now than at any time over the last two months since she died.
This morning she phoned me at 0500 I refused to answer.
I don’t want to fall out with her for my wife’s memory , she would hate if I did but it’s really going to end up that way.
The robins that follow me I can handle. Vultures are another thing.
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@Bluecatmum77 I would echo your thoughts, the initial desolation does change as you adjust. I still continulously think of Karen and miss her terribly, but I am able to function.
I try and get out for a good walk every day now, it does help my mental health
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Hello @Mickp
I am sorry you have to fall out with your stepdaughter that way… I feel stressed out dealing with one of my late partner’s relatives too, she kept asking me whether the PM report had arrived even I explicitly told her it hadn’t and I didn’t feel ready to read it myself. In previous conversations, she seemed to have cared a lot about my feelings but now I feel maybe she needs the report to claim his remaining pension? (Because we weren’t married so I am not the next of kin) i do not want to think the worst of people but these days you have to be careful and we are most vulnerable at this time… I can see why it’s hard for you if your late wife had a good relationship with your stepdaughter xx
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@Mickp
I am so sorry to hear about this, but my family has been torn apart since my Dad passed away in 2016.
People and a loved ones money is a toxic combination.
I was the executor of Dads will, and my younger brothrr and sister accused me and my older sister of stealing Dads money…
My parents Divorced when i was 14.
My Mother, whim i also no longer have contact with was the organ grinder in all this.
She wasnt entitled to anything, but my brother still lives with her.
Me and my older Sister( who remain very close) had gone to the crem to arrange a plaque in Dads name.
Because we had arranged and advised the other two of the cost, then the trouble started.
Accused of spending their inheritancr without their permisson.
I hate them. I will hate them forever.
Luckily, the Solicitor stepped in and my older Sister then became executor.
The worst part of it, was the row kicked off on what would have been my Dads 70th birthday.
I know first hand the heartache it causes.
Just keep the Solicitor informed of everything.
You are not in the right place at the moment to deal with another battle.
Xx
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Awesome @Bluecatmum77 x I’m.on a ‘give up’ downer x hopefully tomorrow will be different x But, well done on recognising the little.bits of progress x that’s what we need to do x x we will always be sad but we.will.move.forward x x.
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thank you cinders. I’m not good at negotiating my way round this very helpful chat site. so I apologise to you and to anyone else who has sent me a message, but will eventually , I’m sure come across any messages. I will get round to trying any suggestions that appear on here. I’ve been doing a lot of sleeping recently. I believe I may have caught another bug and sometimes my only symptoms are of excessive tiredness.
so many thanks for your message and very best wishes to you and all on here for strength from one another.xxx Mag.xx
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Oh no x @Bluecatmum77 xhope you feel better soon. I’m feeling very tired and weary x Everything seems so hard.
@Mickp and @Riley I’m so sorry you are having to cope with what I think is pettyness x had a little myself but it was soon resolved thank goodness x still makes me feel angrybif I.think about it x love to all x x x
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Hi gang.x
@Cinders21 thank you for the message. Have no idea how to private message you. Xx
Its 00.52am.
Cant sleep.
Woke up @ 4.41 am last night struggled to get back to sleep. Worked all day with one eye open.
I knew that sunday was borrowed time, but it was enough to help me get through the day without sleeping in the day and clear a drawer of his things and put them in the bin.
Woke up thos morning ANGRY.
Screamed at him for the majority of the day.
Heard John Lennons Woman on the radio and just broke down in tears.
“I love you. Well well, now and forever”
I screamed why have you chosen to do this?
" I would NEVER have put you through this."
I will have to ring the Dr because I cannot hold down my job on shit sleep.
I know my Hubby was at his lowest ebb when he made his knee jerk decision.
When my Dad passed, my garden was full of white feathers.
I have not had ONE sign from my Husband.
He was the love of my life.
My best friend. My soul mate.
Yet i just feel completely abandoned.
What a person would give for another two weeks with their loved ones, yet my Husband took his own life and left me alone and didnt tell me his problems.
I have another counselling session thursday.
I really think i need it.
Sorry for ranting, but I know you will undetstand and not judge.
Xxxxxx
Hello Bluecatmum77. You are going through so many mixed emotions at the moment. Grief alone is bad enough, but the anger you feel at your husband for taking his own life is an added burden. Your mind is searching for answers and there probably aren’t any as you can only surmise as to why he did it. For a little while concentrate on yourself and keep trying to feel better in yourself. (Not easy I know) Tell your counsellor of your anger and get it out of your system.
Keep posting on here as we all have very different problems, but we will support each other through it all.
Love and light. x
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