@Bluecatmum77. I simply can not imagine how you must be feeling x But I get the anger. Making sense of losing someone is enough, to try and get your head around this must be mind blowing x He will give you signs x all the love x
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@Cinders21 and gang.
I think i am starting the next phase of grief.
The anger.
Anger is overtaking everything.
All the lies that he told are coming out.
He put his Parents through some bad times too.
Ive finallly got to see pictures of him as a baby, toddler, young boy and in his 20ās.
He was a beautiful child and gorgeous looking man.
Its helped me put pieces together of the parts that i have missed out on because he cut his parents off. They dont know why either.
He was a complex character.
Im grieving for a man that didnt exist.
I just feel very disillusioned.
If he loved me at all, why did he tell so many lies?
Why did he let me find him in that awful state?
Finding him dead will haunt me forever.
The trauma of CPR, then being told he was gone.
Then, discovering ALL the debts, which thankfully, i cannot be chased for.
Its just shock after shock.
Meeting my lovely inlaws.
We could have had some wonderful times.
Such a waste of life, all those brains just gone.
He was very intelligent.
Im searching for answers that i dont think i will ever get.
Another bumpy ride of this rollercoaster.
Sorry for moaning.
Sending love and light.xxx
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@Bluecatmum77 it just sounds horrendous and such a loss x heās not here to explain, defend himself. If what you had was happy, good ā¦ If you felt he loved you then- take it at face value because he prob did x I donāt know, I donāt know you or him x What I do know is thinking negatively will not help you x . I hope you can come to terms with whatever conclusions you come to. But, like I said, he has no way of explaining any thing now x lots of love x
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@Cinders21
Thanks hun. Xx
Im just having an angry ranty day.
Ive got my counselling session tomorrow.
Im all over the place due to lack of decent sleep.
I loved him very much and im hurting and as you said he isnt here to explain.
I pray that he is at peace and his demons have left him.
Hes taken all his answers with him.
Xx
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today has been a better day for me too, its 25weeks since I lost my husband some days it feel so unreal then the other days I get my walking boots on and stomp away .I was married for 46 years is so hard,donāt think i will ever get over it we walked a lot together, we did every thing together.I have my husband ashes too and have no plans as to scatter them as yet, I am toying with the idea of having a ring made with a small bit of them, i also made a memory cushion out of his favorite jumper and recovered his foot stool with his quilt cover, I am no sewer i did it by hand it gives me comfort,this pandemic does not help as i have a 5 year old grandson who I cant see .All we can do is take each day at a time ,my daughters are having councelling I will at some point but dont feel ready take care all of you hugs to all xx
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I wake and itās one of those āI canāt do this anymore ā days. 10 weeks since I lost her , together 32 years.
Now alone, friends who canāt come , family miles away and on the other side of the world.
Iāve added to my stress by selling the house and moving into a flat closer to my family. Iām trying to downsize and have to get rid of so much stuff. Doctors wonāt give me any more sleeping tablets so I drink more to get sleep and then wake up feeling rubbish .
I too am having a memory cushion made from her favourite Joules tops.
Weekends are the worse. Every day I go out walking ,walking,walking sit on logs or park benches to rest and be alone with my thoughts.
One day at a time they say,
Just wish we could fast forward past all this, lockdown,Covid,etc.
Snowdrops are appearing now , another spring she wonāt see . I still canāt find an answer to why why why. There is no answer, maybe one day Iāll accept that. Today itās still why ?
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@Mickp and gang.
I have a lovely numb feeling today.
Numb is ace.
Mick, please dont rely on the drink to sleep.
Thats what i did for weeks. It brings you down and it makes you feel worse in the morning.
You can get over the counter amtihistamines that will make you sleep. Go and ask a pharmacist or even better your GP.
Im not surprised you are on top note, moving house throughout all you have been through?
You are a bloody strong man in my opinion.
It will be 11 weeks tomorrow, since i lost him.
I left the house for the first time in 2 weeks yesterday. Just to return a parcel and go shopping, but it was nice to get out.
Im hopefully going for a walk with my friend today.
Will be on my own all weekend.
Will have to keep myself busy, cleaning for cleanings sake.
Tv is absolute rubbish.
Watching the news is horrendous.
I have been having powerful bouts of guilt and they have been driving me mad, so numb today is fabulous.
I also question why? Why? Why?
Part of the grieving process is bargaining.
Read up on the 5 stages of grief.
They come in no particular order, but you can identify every one of them.
We are not going crazy. Xx
Our brains just have to accept and store the situations we are in.
Stay strong.
Sending love and light to all. Xxx
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Thanks for your words if support. And all you say makes sense and itās nice to know Iām not alone with those nagging questions. Yes I will seek help on Monday from Drs or pharmacy and I will cut out the spirits and maybe just a beer instead.
I feel like I can tackle the day now.
THANKS Mick xx
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Hi All, today is my husbandās birthday. Itās also the anniversary if our first date, Iāve felt headachey and extremely sad. Iāve done very little which is unlike me, give n up today x 12. 3 for me ā¦ Iām so empty x x x itās so hard for all of us isnāt it x love to all of you x x @Mickp ā¦ I have not drank for 5 days and Iāve slept better ā¦ Iāve had a drink last night and tonight and limiting myself to that x We are all different but I know that alcohol exasperated my anxiety. Hope you can move forward x so hard x x Cinders x
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@Cinders21 and gang
The first date hubby and i had was on my birthday.
His birthday is in a few weeks.
I am absolutely dreading it.
The first birthday, anniversary, 1st anniversary of their passing are all huge milestones.
We dont know how to deal with them.
Do whats right for YOU and nobody else.
If you want to sit in the house, in the chair where they sat and cry, then do it.
If you want to celebrate their life do it.
Only your heart knows what is best for you at that time.
What you feel today, you might not tomorrow.
Its such a hard battle.
Didnt get to go on my walk, weather was too bad.
Kept myself busy.
Neighbour helped me with some gardening on the front this morning.
So got some blustery fresh air.
All in all had a positive day.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
Sleep tight.
Sending love. Xxx
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I hope your headachey feeling has gone today @Cinders21
It must be difficult for everyone to deal with Birthdays and Anniversaries . I found the house too claustrophobic and went to one of my wifeās favourite places.
I am also avoiding alcohol as much as possible, I donāt see it fixing anything and it makes me feel worse the next day.
Today looks brighter @Bluecatmum77 you should be able to get out for a walk.
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Cinders I cut down on the booze last night and feel a little better this morning.
Still another empty day to face and itās Sunday as well. Hate Sundays the day she died. So I guess Iāll go out walking later on my own as usual. In a few weeks time Iāll have moved and will be closer to family and in a place where she never was. I just canāt live in this empty house. No bad memories here just canāt live here without her.
Take care
Keep talking
Thanks Mick x
@Mickp and gang,
I hate Sundays too as hubby died on a Sunday.
I also hate Saturday nights.
I hope you find peace in your new home. X
I have woken up this morning with that awful ball of pain again.
Today is a bad day.
Need to try and keep busy.
Feeling like a snail that wants to stay in her shell today.
This bloody rollercoasterā¦
Take care.
Sending love and light. Xx
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Thanks,
I feel so guilty, leaving our home but Iām 30 miles from my nearest family member and just feel so vulnerable now .
I have no bad memories here but sheāll always be here and we have no friends here as we moved here in retirement and the so called friends we thought we had here are almost invisible now ! I guess people show their true colours in times like this. So their really helping my decision an family support my decision.
I know I must do whatās right for me but Iām still agonising over it and praying Iām doing the right thing .
Together, moving is a joint decision,now Iām in charge of tomorrow and what happens next itās scary .
Guess Iāll stop beating myself up soon as the sale progresses.
Take care, and thanks for your messages
Mick xx
You are a strong man Mick doing what you have done in such a small time scale is something to be proud of. Myself I cannot even manage to move my wifeās shoes out of the porch and her coat is hung up where she put it for the last time. I live in the house which we both bought when we were only twenty one my life is here but unlike you so is most of my family who live close by. I canāt lie I am struggling the pain will not leave me alone even for a short while but I live in hope. I am still at working age 60 so going to work does eases the pain till I get home and bang the realisation of my new life is back. I am getting counciling not sure it is helping but I am willing to try anything to ease this pain. I am living in a world that is not for me anymore my life is not my life but something that is forced on me each day. I feel so guilty in the way I feel as my wife fought so hard to stay with me and our family and all I want is mine to end. Sorry to put all this on you all but as the days get longer so does the darkness in my soul.
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Dear @Mickp
Iāve moved just one month ago, after spending 3 months packing in emotional turmoil. I truly understand and empathise your feelings. It must have been incredibly hard for you to throw away many things and to have left your old home of many fond memories, I even wrote down the new address on a note and put it where my partner used to sit , a bus route included as if spirits need to use public transport as well (Haunted London Tube?).
Donāt bother with those āfriendsā who canāt be bothered to keep in touch, one thing weāve learnt in this horrible lesson, life is too short to be spent on caring people who donāt give a poop about you. I believe youāve done the right thing as you need all the support you need during this darkest time. Iām starting my new job tomorrow, itās another milestone after my move, the future is indeed daunting, I hope this new job will give me a much needed routine to divert my attention from this nightmare. Keeping my fingers crossed youāll get used to the new neighborhood soon. Your lovely wife will always be in your heart wherever you are . Youāve done so much and so well. Your wife would have said the same too xxx
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Dear Riley,
Thanks for you thoughts.
Other than personal clothing underwear,pjās, socks etc I canāt throw anymore out.
Iāve sent 10 of her nice Joules tops to a lady whoās going to make them into two Memory Cushions for me .
The rest I want to go to her chosen charity,( a hospice that cared for her daughter who died 2014 ) but of course its closed right now so later near the time of moving Iāll pack and take them with me until I can deliver.
Iām pleased about the job Work Iām sure will be a welcome distraction.
Even though Iām retired Iām going to look for a little part time job in my new location just to meet people .
Good luck with everything,
Mick x
I honestly think that whatever we do the pain is the same x I rent and luckily, I donāt need to do anythingā¦ Iām taking it slowly x I canāt touch clothes but I will soon. However, I will pace it x Cleaning the bathroom last week, I three his toothbrush away ā¦ little steps x as and when is best for me I think x practical mindset. Whatever we do, where ever we go we will carry them because they are part of us x we have to do what is best for us individually. What we do need to do (says she who has sore eyes through crying today) is believe we can. If we believe
we can we will if we believe we canāt we wonāt. Sounds so simple but we have to practise this thinking x x x Iām struggling today, on a daily basis, Covid, the weather, working every day - feels like Iām on a treadmill with nothing to look forward to x I do need to give myself a talking to x love to all if you, there is no right or wrong way x
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Thanks Ron,
Yes itās hard there are still many things I canāt move or touch .
Much of her things will go to a Hospice we supported When ??? Itās open again. Iāll just have to pack it and store until l can take them .
I almost envy you still having work as a distraction.
Good luck, one day at a time.
Mick
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Hi gang,
Just checking in. Xx
Woke up yesterday to discover my bank account was a lot lower than it should.
Looks like my card has been cloned.
Bank have been great and refunded the money.
Bank told me to delete my card details from any online shopping websites.
So im spreading the word.
Just goes to show the depths the scumbags in the world will go to.
Had a few numb days.
I like numb. I can function.
I know i will be caught off guard by the tidal wave any day, but for now, im embracing the calm.
Sending love and light.xxx