I know what you mean. I lay awake in bed this morning, the thoughts of that night going round and round. I got up because I’m meeting a friend for a walk but really there is no point in getting up. I know today will be a pointless day. A day to get through and think ‘that’s one more done’. I’m nearly 6 weeks now and next week is the anniversary of my dad’s death as well. I still can’t see any point to anything apart from being here for my kids so that they do not have more pain.
I dropped my son off to school and spent 20 minutes just sobbing in the car.
I would never have believed it was possible to survive this much pain.
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I had a Mediumship reading yesterday. It has given me a lot of comfort. She knew too much detail to be guessing it. I still miss him. My heart is still broken but I feel a peace now
I know it’s not everyone’s bag
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Hi Lost 82
Anger is a part of the grief process.
It will pass.
Don’t be too concerned.
All is well in your grief process.
Gary54
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I had one a couple of weeks ago. Like you there was a lot of accuracies. Quite frankly I would worship at the alter of a banana skin if it helped me feel better so do whatever it takes xxxx
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@Misty1972 @Lost82
I found myself worshiping the god of Merlot and Whisky yesterday .
!
As you say I’d strip off and dance round Stonehenge if I thought it would help.
Phoned my GP this morning asked for a phone consultation as I think I’m a bit depressed only to be told “no appointments left today call back Tuesday”
So Stonehenge it is then
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Did you not know that your only allowed to be depressed on a Tuesday? 
I had a phone call from my GP surgery last week after my sudden worker requested a psych evaluation due to the severity of the flashbacks.
A utterly useless woman (not my GP) rang me and said that I needed to stop feeling guilty as it’s not like I stabbed him and I shouldn’t be complaining about feeling bad as it proves I loved him.
Thanks for that
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Well it did show me that replying on medical professionals isn’t going to get me through this.
Back to the naked temple dancing it is 
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Wow. My sudden caseworker rang my GP yesterday to request a different doctor speak to me. My doctor rang just now - spent over an hour on the phone with me - he went through everything that happened with Stephen at the end to help me make sense of it etc.
He’s also referred me for EMDR therapy to help with the flashbacks. He was Absolutley amazing.
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Good to hear x
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@Lost82
Well that’s a better response 
EMDR therapy ? must admit had to look that up, interesting .
So hope it’s good and you get it soon xx
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Hi gang,
@Lost82 so pleased you have had some professional support.
It makes a difference being listened to.
Been suffering with this damn tooth for a week now. Final day of antibiotics.
Hope and pray that they do the job.
Received a call from Police Coroner yesterday.
I have to give a statement for the inquest.
This is my opportunity to tell them about Lee the person. Lee, my Husband. Not Lee the case number.
I will do him proud.xx
He wasnt a bad person. He just made some bad decisions in his life and i do believe that was because of his mental health issues.
My best friend isnt here to defend himself.
So its my job to do that.
My anger has subsided.
I feel at peace again.
I just want some reassurance from the other side that he is ok.
Spoke to my amazing Mother in law yesterday.
She has said she will be my mum.
My own Mother doesnt want to know me.
Isnt life bizarre?
A mother without a Son and a daughter without a Mother.
2 people thrown into a bizarre situation and a wonderful friendship being the result?
I absolutely adore Lee’s parents
They adore me.
It gives me huge comfort that they think the world of me.
I said to them i hope im not a disappointment to them as to who their Son married.
I got told off.
She said why on earth would we be disappointed you silly girl.
They have said they will always be here for me.
I said likewise.
So, out of all this tragedy, there is a positive.
So gang, word of the day…
POSITIVITY.
Sending you all love, light and strength.
Xxxxxxxx
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Wishing you a day of positivity @Bluecatmum77 after what you have been through (you are still going through) you deserve a break. That you and Lee’s parents get on so well must be such a huge boost for all of you
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Hi all,
Yesterday was 6 months since Graham passed away I tried to distract myself as I do most days and thought I had survived the day.
Then this morning after a disturbed nights sleep I woke up and the grief train has hit me again full force.
I know I’ve not accepted he’s gone I had to wait 6 weeks for his funeral during which time I would not allow myself to accept that this is now it. I just feel so sad, lost and am struggling to see a way through. I had just begun to think it may be time for me to look to going back to work . I gave my job up last year to care for Graham . I’d worked in a Bank for 32 years. My life feels like it has been turned upside down and I’m out of control.
This morning I have had a letter from Salford Royal replying to my official complaint regarding Graham’s care the week or so before he died after contracting Covid in Hospital. It is full of lies so I’m going to have to reply to that and they apologise for delays in treatment but don’t think it would have made any difference to the outcome . It’s a disgrace and makes me so angry. Mistakes are made there’s a cover up send me a letter and I’m supposed to just get on with it. Whatever happens now won’t bring him back but I need answers and if mistakes were made own them not cover it up with lies. There is an inquest in September. I feel I’m right back to the early days following his death I hate this life without him day after day is so difficult 
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Feeling just the same today. I’m only 6 weeks in but don’t know how to get through weeks / months / years of this life I did not choose. I know he’s not coming back but that’s the only thing that could make this better. My husband died suddenly and without warning at the age of 50. I just don’t understand anything anymore. When he was here, we were always so busy that we didn’t have enough hours in the day. Now, every day goes so slowly without him. I don’t want to think of decades like this - people say not to think ahead but you can’t stop it popping into your mind.
We had problems and had to complain about my dad’s treatment 10 years ago. I have letters admitting the failings and apologising for them but all they do is say that they will learn from them. I will never know whether they have though.
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I wish I could tell you it has got easier as time has passed but for me anyway it hasn’t . My heart has been ripped out and I don’t think there is any getting through that. I believe you learn to live with it… I don’t want too . My Graham was 50 when he passed away he had underlying health conditions but died because he caught covid. Just feel robbed of our last remaining time together. We met when I was 15 and he was 14 and have been together ever since. He was my everything my life my best friend I only needed him and plus with his health issues didn’t have time for anything else. We have a grown up daughter and 2 grandsons who are our world but they are experiencing a different grief to me. Thankfully they still have a life and it goes on day by day. My life as I know it and want it ended when Graham passed away. I’ve had counselling just come to the end of it and have learned there is no magic wand to take away this pain. It is one day at a time a combination of distraction ( which I’m failing at miserably as I have no motivation to do anything ) and grieving. My counsellor said it will be very difficult to come to terms with and could take years as a long loving relationship is what we had. Deep love and deep grief. I’m so sorry for your loss and know exactly how you are feeling. Sending a big hug and thank you x
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Hi juli69
Nearly six months for me also. Almost everything you put down I could have wrote the pain is still there the life of just existing my children getting on with there lives as they should, but it is us that is left with the emptiness, the voide that can not be filled without our partners. Covid took Beverley it was brutal so living with that also brings more pain. Distraction is all I have to relieve the stress of it all . We have to learn to live with it but it is easier said than done.
Ron
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Very sorry for your loss. Be prepared for a battle with getting answers my investigation for my husband after year is still ongoing he had cancer should have had an op this treatment was all delayed through Covid situation his bowel ruptured and died 3 days later. I am still pushing for answers same reply you got it would not have made a difference I beg to differ. You will be passed from piller to post I am waiting for a reply from the chief executive from our trust 2 months so far no reply. I hope you get answers
Take care x
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This is the hardest battle of my life and I’ve had a few with Graham over the years he’d been on life support several times, ICU staff at Manchester Royal knew him he’d been in so many times but when he was here I had the strength to cope with anything to keep him alive. Covid robbed me of the precious time we had left and it’s so difficult to accept . The endless what ifs. I hope I can begin to find motivation to do things to find that distraction but it’s not happening yet. I’m just deep in grief and not wanting this to be my life at the minute and I can’t believe I’m at 6 months now as it feels as raw and traumatic as the day he passed away. I haven’t accepted he’s gone as I don’t want it to be true and I cannot accept this is my life now I hate it . Thinking of you as you too are going through the exact same loss it’s truly devastating x
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