I know what you mean. I have decided not to go to my husband’s Inquest next week and feel it is just another betrayal on my part. Not sure I could take listening to the crash investigation report - the interim death certificate was graphic enough. I did have to give a formal written statement to the Police which forms part of the hearing. The family will be represented by my husband’s childhood friend who is a former police officer and a member of my family. Between them they will take notes and ‘filter’ how much they tell me. I think that we can submit a family statement and I will be speaking with my husband’s friend about that this weekend.
Bluecatmum77 I am so sorry that you have had to face this.
Yes that’s what I done . Danny’s two sons and brother went through video link. They contacted me afterwards and just gave me some small information. They knew I didn’t want to hear it all.
I’ve managed to have a better week, being the new norm, but I know it’s only temporary and it will come out of know where again and I’ll be back to square one .
Fridays are the worst . It’s a time we most enjoyed , finishing work and looking forward to the weekend with a few drinks x
I think you have made the right decision, Sheila, especially as you have a family member to help you know what’s going on.
It sounds as though you have been through enough!
From Friday evening until the following week is when my friends and support have to live their own lives and I have little or no contact. It is just a bloody awful life now. This time last year we sat and talked about all our plans for retirement. We never got to do any and my husband did not even get to have a postponed celebration for his 60th. I cry everyday not just for my loss but also my husband’s. I know that he has gone forever I just cannot believe that this is my non-life now. Its just so hard.
Thankyou for your invaluable messages of support.
Crying. Cant stop crying.
What’s left of my heart has been re-ripped out, shredded and put back in.
I have had a great couple of weeks of numbness.
Just, I mean, just, when I think I am actually starting to gain some normality, WHAM WHOOSH, my world collapses and Im flat on my arse on the floor with the room spinning.
I am exhausted with it.
How many times is a person supposed to lose someone mentally?
Again and again and again.
Sat here as i type, can barely see the screen for tears.
When is this nightmare going to be over?
The inquest is going to undo everything again.
There is more to this situation than on paper.
One the “verdict” has been announced, they will sign it off and move on to the next case.
Well for me, its a lifetime sentence.
There is not one word or phrase that can ever put this right.
Who am i kidding?
I am stuck with this rollercoaster forever.
It is just dreadful it really is. The formal statement I had to provide to the Police ‘under caution’ asked me to detail all my husband’s known movements and conversations on the day of his death. And people wonder why I am adamant that I will never move forward. I replay that fateful day constantly. I just want a different ending but it is not going to happen.
That’s how I feel too. On Wednesday evening the police officer attending the Inquest rang to see if I was going as they have to prepare the family. I explained I wasn’t and that the two family representatives, given their professions (one a former police officer, the other a relation of mine who was the funeral director) are better placed to attend and maintain any degree of sanity in order to take notes and feed back to me. He also mentioned that someone had left a tribute at the crash site - apparently family have to give permission for anything more permanent. I have refused - I do not want my husband remembered for this incident, I do not want him the talk at the end of the bar either. I want him remembered for the hard working, caring, happy and loving person he always was.
I just stumble through each day. Had major melt down in a car park on Monday, just screamed and screamed and cried.
I know what you mean . I’m 54 and Danny was 64. He retired from the FireBrigade at the age of 55. Im Glad he had nine years of retirement but like you I had planned to cut my days down . We had a boat and enjoyed weekends on the broads and just had so much to look forward too.
He was a very young 64 year old . Life is so cruel x
I am so sorry for your loss. Your husband will have worked so hard all those years and as you say although he had 9 years of retirement he had so many more years to enjoy.
My husband stopped working 18 months before he died. He kept on at me to give up work but I stayed on a bit longer than planned hoping to use the money towards a trip overseas. I was furloughed from April to July and then September. I had only been back two weeks when he died. I so wish I had given up the job and perhaps he might not have gone out on the bike. Another one for the ‘if only…’ list. I was trying to avoid counselling but I am so angry at my husband (bike-related) on occasions which then causes more guilt.
Our daughter is coming to stay for the weekend. I will try to be strong as she is not coping very well. But I am dying inside I really am.
My husband’s friends always comment how young looking my husband was. He only had about a dozen grey hairs. I am just so broken-hearted. People always thought I was the strong one but they were wrong - he was my strength and support and I really need him.
I think our lives are mapped out . I’m just thankful he had a good nine years of retirement. We live in Norfolk and I work in London so would be away from home Wednesday to Friday .
Danny would see me off at 6.00am on a Wednesday morning . I would stay with my mum and dad for two nights and come home on the Friday evening . Due to the covid restrictions I worked from home most of the year for 2020 so we spent so much time together and loved every minute of it .
We are returning back to the office on May 17th and I can’t face driving home on the Friday so will change my days and routine x
I can understand you wanting to change your routine. Me and husband also loved the time we had together during the first lockdown - we just sat and did nothing together but had so many laughs.
After my husband’s death I was on the sick until February 2021 when I decided to hand in my notice. We had talked about retirement and this was the only thing that we had planned that I could now carry out. My husband had also agreed to look after our little grandson so I have to fulfil his promise. The fact that there are now two (the second who will never meet his granda) will pose me some problems especially as I have lost so much weight and have no muscle or body-strength as a result. Our son has a picture of his dad with his eldest (who was only 9 months when my husband died) on the wall placed immediately above the new grandsons crib as if watching over him. Heartbreaking.
I’ve just listen to this, I’m half cut and didn’t get the whole gist but I just thought I’d post it here as a way of perhaps helping us. It contains cutting edge grief therapy/news and mentions prolonged grief. It may not be for everyone, but i thought of my grief friends when I heard it!
Thank you for sharing with us all. I will sign-in once my daughter has left after the weekend and after the inquest. I have cried for the past two days, think I will need all the help I can get.
@Merrin Cariad Lloyd does a podcast called Griefcast where she chats to someone (usually someone I have never heard off) about a death that affected them. The last two have been better than most, one she chatted to the Rev Richard Coles regarding the death of his partner and with the other she chatted to friends and partner of a palliative care nurse called Kimberly.
I think we might be looking at different things!
Are you on the website Forum or the Facebook site? I haven’t looked on Facebook yet, I’m not a huge fan of Facebook generally, so try to avoid it if possible.
If you are using the website, are you using the “Recent Posts” button? Once you have ignored all the midweek lunchtime meet ups a million miles from home, you can then ignore all the zoom meetings and you are left with half a dozen or so genuine posts to read. Having skimmed through them you press the “Mark Everything Read” button and return the next day.
I suspect the Way Up group will be much more useful once the lockdown is relaxed and there are some localish weekend meetings going on. I ought to join in a zoom meeting or two, but have not dappled my toe in one yet.
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