I know what you mean Mick. I’m not retired but don’t feel balanced enough to go back to work yet. They are coming to collect my husband’s company car and equipment this morning - dreading it. There will be a hole on the drive but not as large as the hole in my heart. Not sure how to keep on going when every day is such a battle. Sending hugs
2 Likes
Dear Jules4
I sold my husband’s car and yes it was awful coming back onto the drive and not seeing it.
My husband’s inquest is today. Just another event to give me a good kicking. Eight months after he died will only now get a death certificate. I do not think that I can keep going like this - there certainly are no rewards at the end of it.
Take care.
3 Likes
@Jules4 I’m moving house and downsizing to a flat
I had to part with 99% of Venetia’s clothes to her chosen Charity.
So now there’s a big hole in the wardrobes and drawers when I open them.
I know she would have approved, but I still feel guilty and it just adds to the emptiness.
& Hugs
2 Likes
@Sheila26 Steph had to face an inquest and now you.
I can’t imagine how that feels on top of grief as well.
I had to wait for a case review after Venetia died that to me was torture waiting for an appointment and hearing it’s findings .
I think it was a “ covering backside” exercise really now looking back.
And then you get charged for extra copies of the certificate !
I hope it’s soon over for you and you can move with grief to another place ,hopefully not so stressful.
& Hugs
1 Like
Had a rough night/morning but then had my counselling coming up and I was thinking what’s the point, haven’t we been through everything over and over and I know to give it time, be kind to myself, make a list of stuff that needs to be dealt with and ignore it until i am ready blah blah but i never seem to be ready… it’s my 17th session now and most people only get three so shouldn’t i be in much better shape than i am by now? I asked her if crying really does help as if it does shouldn’t i be totally magnificent by now too? if there was an Olympic event for crying i reckon I’ve got what it takes already.
Sometimes I wonder if i could stop myself crying wouldnt that be better?
She said the human body has evolved into the current set-up over a long time and is a perfect system. Scientists have studied crying and have found that it stimulates a release of chemicals that help us calm and feel better afterwards.
Even without then she went on that why is it that we don’t feel ashamed of laughing (well except for certain situations!) but crying feels different when it is just a bodily process too that our clever bodies have evolved.
When a baby is born and the shock of the world outside the womb makes it cry we try to stop it crying with “shh shhh hush now” but is that for the sake of the baby (who doesn’t care as that is it’s evolved reaction) or for the adults who cannot bear to hear the sound. It was quite interesting anyway.
But i guess the baby crying shows it is our most instinctual reaction and we’re doing what we’re supposed to…
Take care everyone. We just had thunder with hail in Gtr Manchester, it feels like the sky is with us today. Too bad i have to do the cat litter and go out to the bins but at least I’ll just let myself cry if i want to.
Do you have your Grandon today Sheila or any company? I remember you saying you would not attend and it must be hard waiting for information to come back to you, thinking of you…
2 Likes
Hi gang,
@Sheila26. My heart and tboughts are with you.
The outcome of the verdict will probably set you back, but we know all know how to deal with it now.
Have a meltdown, dust yourself off and carry on and keep in contact with us.
We will get you through it.xx
The weather is just a joke.
Watching all my hard work in the garden getting sodden and bashed.
What is the point?
May as well have slobbed on the sofa…
I have my counselling session this afternoon.
She said she wants to speak to me again, directly before and after inquest.
She said she feels i will need the extra support.
It will be 6 months on friday.
6 months…it has flown by but dragged at the same time.
Had a bizarre dream last night.
Dreamt Lees trainers were on the rug in the lounge? At a 10-2 position.
Almost as if he was standing in them?
I still cant bear to part with any of his things.
Ive got rid of some clothes, but that’s it.
God my brain is wrecked…
Sending hope strength and light.
Most of all lots of love.
Xxxxxxx
2 Likes
@FleurDeLis
Really sorry you feel stuck and not making what other people call progress ,or the one I really really hate “Moving On”
My answer is
I’m not moving on
I’m moving with .
You can see them thinking. Ooops change subject quick !
I’m down for six counselling sessions (fourth this week)
We’ve covered much of what you write here,being kind,recognising triggers and avoiding them,lists of good and bad ,journals. etc.
Utmost respect for what they are trying to do for us ,mines a volunteer.
But the reality is three,six, sixty sessions none of us know if this will help or not.?
I read in my book that the devastation of loss will always exist.
That a year on two,three, ……we may still feel it as raw as when it all started.
Early days we all search for answers,want to apportion blame,guilt and all those emotions we know so well.
There are no answers I’m realising now .
Truth is there is no “roadmap” out of this,for us no “cure” .
As days ,week,months ,tick by we are “moving with our grief “ although it dosent feel like it some days I know but keep going ,cry all you like,shout all you like …
I do
Your not alone,
Your human
You loved and were loved.
If anyone’s to blame it’s who ever invented love 
4 Likes
Dear Mickp
Thank you. The crash investigation report was clear cut so that has completed that part of the process for myself. I did not attend, two family representatives both professionals in the field more equipped to deal with such things acted as the family’s spokespeople. They have fedback applying a filter on the level of information which is the best I could hope for. The death certificate can now be issued and I suspect will be as graphic as the interim. You are right about the costs of certification and I need ten for probate - shocking that they add a further burden on us.
2 Likes
Dear FleurDeLis
Thank you and thank you for remembering about the grandson. I did take him to nursery but spent the rest of the morning by myself waiting for the phone call. Two representatives went on our behalf (one family the other life-time friend of my husband’s) - both professionals in fields that equip them to sit and listen to the full details of my husband’s crash and subsequent fatal injuries. They have fedback and gave me enough detail that they think I can deal with. I rang one of my friends after their call and just broke down and cried. Life is just dreadful without my husband and I have cried a million tears just today. Not sure my body has the strength to take much more.
We also had hail in the North East and was certainly a reflection of how I have felt today.
Thank you all for your messages. We are all on a dreadful journey and I wish with all my heart that none of us found ourselves here.
Take care.
4 Likes
Dear Steph
Thank you. I know that you are having to face the additional challenges of an Inquest, statements and dealing with the various ‘agencies’. I have been dealing with the police for 8 months now. I understand because my husband was involved in a RTA his case remains permanently open in the event additional information comes forward. I am sure that they will explain what this means when they contact me again this week.
I have a counselling assessment arranged for 17 May. Will keep an open mind but hope it helps me overcome the intense anger I feel.
I have not touched any of my husband’s clothes/items. It can wait. I am more inclined to keep on sorting out my own wardrobe. Life as it was will never be the same and it is proving difficult to comprehend how and why this happened.
Take care all.
Sheila
2 Likes
It’s a long a lonely path we are on @Sheila26 you have the additional burden of officialdom moving at a snail’s pace. I hope you can resolve some of the outstanding issues so you are not in this permanent paused state
2 Likes
Hi everyone, I hope your all doing ok. Reading through the messages it is wonderful that we are supporting each other.
I was wondering if anyone has had a dream similar to me?
I dreamt Paul was back, I had to update him on everything that had happened and asked him about the things I am struggling to get sorted house sale, bills. It wasn’t upsetting, or comforting. I think it’s probably because I am wanting things to get sorted. Has anyone had similar dreams?
Love to you all Mx
1 Like
I have only had 2 dreams that I can remember about my man. I had nightmares in the early months about the day he died, and used to wake with a start.
My first nice dream about a month ago was that he was with me in bed, and then I felt the bed move and thought he had gone to make a cup of tea. Of course I was devastated when I woke up properly and realised he wasn’t there. The other one was a few weeks ago. I was in a hilly field throwing a ball to and fro (with one of my grandkids I think). It was not a place I have ever been to. I was worrying because he wasn’t there and should have been joining me. He then walked past behind my grandchild looking deep in thought. I called after him and said “Are you not saying hello then?” He turned round with his big cheeky grin and said "I just need to go up here for a bit, but I will see you later. "
It was lovely to see him for that second or so. It upsets me that it was such a short interchange, but also meant the world to me. I just want him back.
5 Likes
I dreamt about my husband fir the first time last night. It was so real I could feel him but then I started to wake and realise I was dreaming and was absolutely devastated because it had been so real. That started my day really badly.
4 Likes
Thanks for sharing your dreams @Jules4 and @Wong
I kind of feel pleasure seeing him and for a moment we were ‘getting back to our old normal’. Paul was never quixotic in decision making, I had to wait until be had given the thing to sort out the necessary space in his head! It drove me mad. 
But I now am having a growing realisation that feeling nostalgic for what we had is a comfort.
Mx
2 Likes
Hi all
Dreams are so strange mine was. I was driving on the motorway the wrong side cars were heading in my direction all of a sudden a big white van pulled in front of my car shielding it the driver was Mick he wound down his window and was shouting go back go back I woke up crying.
Love to all
5 Likes
This is an odd site in that there are so many threads/topics on it that it can get confusing. Some people go to several topics, others stay with one. There are so many people that have put things that I can relate to, but to be honest I don’t keep most of their names in my memory. However I haven’t seen a few names recently. Hopefully it means they are ok, or they are taking part in different discussions, but I have not seen anything much lately from @Bluecatmum77 or @Quarterman, @Bristles and Herb who I think may have an alias of Green something or other. There will be others but I cannot remember the names at the moment. Hope you are all as ok as you can be.
4 Likes
I was thinking that the other day that @Bluecatmum77, especially @Greencat1950 and @Quarterman, haven’t posted as much lately , I too hope they are ok, I often read their posts. I don’t reply often but take comfort from their posts.
Amy x
1 Like
Thanks @Amylost for getting Herb’s Greencat1950. I did a search for Green, but couldn’t work out which Green he was. @Greencat1950, you may be nothing like him but I suppose because you are American I always have a mental picture of Elvis (when he was alive) in my head when I read your posts. I haven’t met many Americans! We had an IT system where I used to work that was run by an American company. The chaps name was Dirk from Texas. He had a very sexy voice on the phone. I teased everyone that he would be tall, good looking and wear a cowboy hat. It blew everyone away when this gorgeous guy turned up about 6’ 4" blonde, blue eyed, tanned, muscles…and wearing a cowboy hat!
2 Likes
Also anyone heard from Debbie55?
1 Like