Anyone out there?

[Bluecatmum77]

Hi gang,
@Amylost @Wendy75 and others,
I’m here.xx
I have been posting on another thread that appeared. Completely forgot to check in on here. My bad. Xx
Thanks to you all for your genuine, lovely concern.xx

Im officially at the 6 months mark.
It has gone so fast in one way, and dragged in another.
@Mickp Sunday bl**dy Sunday.xx

@Bristles.
I am in numboland. Autopilot with the odd laugh.
Was watching the news before and it showed Portugal awaiting the influx of Brits.
Lee lived in Portugal for years.
Then saw an advert for the company he used to work for.
Heart (whats left of it) ripped out twice in the space of 5 minutes.

Whenever i think of the inquest, my stomach flips.
I am dreading it.
I know an uber meltdown of all meltdowns is looming, so i am trying not to think about it.
Pretending I am doing ok.
I am in complete denial. I know that.

My anti depressants are working.
Im boozing less.
I like numboland.
A combination of medication and self preservation.

I have to keep going.
Bills to pay.
I have stayed awake all day today.
Did some gardening.
No siesta.
Yesterday I slept and slept.

I am starting to adjust to this new way of life that has been thrust upon me.
Do i like it? NO.
Do i want it? HELL NO.
Do i have a choice? NO.

So i have to work with what I have.

Sending all my lovely gang a goodnight hug.

Sleep tight.
Xxxxxxxx

[Mickp]

@Bluecatmum77
Good Morning Steph
I so wish there were a “fast forward button”I could press for you and you could awake one day with all those things behind you.

Well another SBS out of the way.
Although I’ll always check the time and pause at the dreaded time ( 2.10 pm) for a while if I’m honest I’ve somehow learned to cope with the day better now .
Am I moving with my grief. ?
Yes I think I am.
I too am making a determined effort to wean off the booze a bit.
On looking at a load of shopping receipts the booze items outweighed the food items.
I admit I’ve got lazy in the kitchen.
More “ping” meals in the microwave or salads in a box.
I can and did love cooking but now what’s the point. Plus I find it hard to shop for one and not waste food.
Six. month mark for me next SBS then I’m going to stop counting.
Thankfully there are no more events until the anniversary of Venetia’s death in November.
I’m praying by then international Tavel will have opened up and that I’m in New Zealand with my son and my three wonderful granddaughters .

Until then I have to get this move completed.
It’s almost four months since it sold and the solicitors are still pissing around.
It’s so hard living here now with packed boxes everywhere and furniture missing that I have given to family of sent to charity as I need so little in a one bed flat I’m moving too.

Is moving an answer to everything?
NO it’s not
My grief will be there with me.
Venetia and my memories will be there with me.

All it will give me is some support and security of having family nearby, and not being stuck in this lonely town miles from those who DO care about me.

So the country takes another step into the new normal today. So guess all we’ll see on TV tonight is people hugging one another and stuffing their faces in restaurants.
The outside world and future still scares me .
But I realise now it ain’t going to come to me ,I have to step into it and carve out an existence somehow.
I’m not suicidal, but just hope I don’t linger on into decrepitude and that my exit is swift as was was my beloveds.
Ok I’m off , waffling again !!
Hope everyone has a reasonable week
Love to you all
Mick xx

[Christie]

Hi @Bluecatmum77,

I have missed you. I too got lost on different threads and then I was banished for a week. I thought I was trying to help, but apparently not.

Who are you taking to the inquest to support you? The coroner should make special allowances for you. If you like, you should be able to submit a written list of questions that you want to ask.

You rock, lady. You are getting through it. There is nothing wrong with feeling numb. Sometimes I feel angry at Jim for leaving me, but God knows it wasn’t his decision. He fought to live all he could. I just regret that I didn’t say enough, didn’t tell him often enough that I loved him, didn’t hug him enough.

Lee sounds so full of life, but sometimes life spins you around, you’re thinking faster than you can work. It’s very confusing. Jim took out a short term loan before he died. It weighed him down, even though we had the funds to repay it. I think he panicked when the first lockdown closed the housing market. He was more concerned with paying it back than he was with his own health, which was going downhill fast.

Neither of us dreamt that this tailspin would end within a few weeks by his death. How the stress of that loan and the problems selling our house affected him I don’t know.

I am going to repay that debt when the house is eventually sold this summer. But I am not going to pay the interest the bank has added to it, because Jim took it out as an interest free loan. I have sent his SIPP to the Financial Services Ombudsman and I am sending his bank account there too. Over the years Jim’s bank and his SIPP made a lot of money out of him.

Like you I am in numboland - what a wonderful word. I am hoping to start a new pill this week that will stop my brain spinning around so much.

I took a siesta yesterday, but I couldn’t settle because of physical pain. I wander around the house a lot, memories coming flooding in, most happy, but a few desperately said.

Sometimes I just lie in bed and wonder if it’s physical or mental pain that feels so overwhelming.

My life ahead seems a long and lonely road, but I will dodder along it with my dogs and my few true friends.

Christie xxx

[Mickp]

@Christie
Christine reading your post I too went through that emotion of guilt about not telling Venetia enough I loved her,I even wrote it into her eulogy at the end of the funeral service.
But in those dreadful days she was in hospital and all we had was the texts we more than made up for it in the outpouring of love for each other.
At least we had that I’m sorry for others that couldn’t communicate either due to the nature of illness or dammed Covid restrictions .
So your not alone.
You heart knows that you both loved each other.
If it didn’t then it wouldn’t be broken now would it
M x

[Bluecatmum77]

@Christie. Thanks hun.xx
Such a poignant post.

The longer the morning goes on, I am def on a downer today. Why? No idea.
That’s grief.
No control.

Lee really was full of life. He was a joker.
One Halloween, he bought a scream mask and black cloak and scared the sh*t out of colleagues getting in and out of lift.
His christmas work jumper was a naked mans chest with baubles attached to the nipples.

To the world, and me, he didnt give a monkeys.

Inside, his inner turmoil was destroying him and I had no idea just how poorly and desperate he was.
That’s what I have to carry with me for the rest of my life.

This awful tragic waste of life.
Such a clever man.
All those brains, talent, kindness, love, gone.

We have all come such a long way.xx
We have to keep fighting.

Keep going gang.
Xxxxxx

[Christie]

Hi @Bluecatmum77

I can identify with that. When you are prone to depression, it’s often easier to put on a brave face to the world. When I was younger I used to do that a lot. Inside my mind was a maelstrom of worries, fears that I wasn’t good enough, fears that I would fail. Outside I’d joke and laugh with my colleagues, I never let them know I needed help.

I was working in London then, and there was a huge range of places where you could go for counselling, psychology, etc… I really lucked out when I found a charity where you could consult a qualified psychologist that charged what you could afford.

Over a couple of years of weekly sessions the psychologist helped me to understand the roots of my depression and insecurity. That was in the late 70s, when I was in my early - mid 20s. He helped me to realise that I wasn’t abnormal or wrong, but reacting naturally to difficult events that had happened to me when I was too young to react to them as an adult would.

It seems to me that Lee never had that chance, that for whatever reason he was unable to cope with his inner demons, which he soothed with alcohol and/or drugs, and the ‘high’ you get from overspending.

I was feeling bad today. I got an unpleasant letter from the man who runs the management company of the estate I live in, complaining that I was parking outside from front door rather than 50 yards away in my parking space. Silly and wrong I know - I only park outside my front door when I have something heavy to take indoors, and everyone here does the same thing.

I had a medical appointment this morning and then another one with a friend - we are trying to sell antiques on the internet. After the medical appointment, I had to get a wrist brace and on the way back to the car park I went into TK Maxx to get a small gift for my friend, who’s Muslim and still celebrating the end of Ramadan. I overspent there - £35 on a pair of fab trousers reduced from £240. But I have kept them carefully wrapped up in the bag, so I can take them back if I really can’t afford them once I’ve done my accounts.

Over the years, I’ve learned to restrain my urge to comfort-spend. I got fed up playing a constant game of catch up with my credit cards, so I only use 3 now, my debit card, a card that gets me points, and another card that’s linked to my debit card. I have my monthly budget and pay them all off.

Yes, we keep going. That’s all we can do.

Christie xxx

[Amylost]

@Bluecatmum77

I always like your posts, your fighting spirit shows and I like your humour despite it being difficult. I’m having a really bad crying today. I’m stuck indoors, I can’t be bothered with anything.
Some days I cope other days I’m sobbing my heart out. Grief is hard work.
My Martin was always clowning around, he was such fun to be with, there was never a dull moment around him. I miss him so much, nothing is enjoyable any more.
We have to keep going and climb that mountain.
Warm hugs for you
Amy x

[Bluecatmum77]

Hi gang, my lovely friends,

I have been informed by this organisation that one of my posts has been edited and content removed.

If I have offended anybody, I apologise.

So gang, I shall be removing myself from these threads .

I really have more than enough on my plate right now, and practically everything in my life is out of my control, but this is one aspect where I do.

Sending you all my love and best wishes.

Xxxxxxx

[AnnR]

Hello Bluecatmum
I am so sorry you decided to leave. I had the same problem as you some time ago. I don’t know why, but every so often, SR sees fit to shut one of us up. I find that really annoying. I can’t understand why they have banished you. I, for one, find your posts helpful. Please don’t leave. We need you!

[Wong]

Sorry to hear that @Bluecatmum77. I like the fact you tell it how it is. I have seen how much you have struggled, and you keep fighting back. Surely this sort of forum is for us all to help each other? Obviously I don’t know what has upset someone, but I have never been upset by anything you have said. You are hurting really badly, and need to get some of that angst out of your system. If you don’t join in again I will miss you on here. You have been through so much and a lot of us have been worried about you, but your character and humour peep through and help us too. Take care. Xx

[Mickp]

I’ve had a comment edited out as well today .

[Alston56]

Dear @Bluecatmum77,
Honestly, I wouldn’t read too much into the fact that one of your posts has been edited. I had one edited about a week ago, I don’t know if someone had flagged it and, frankly, it doesn’t bother me a jot if that was the case, although I suspect it may simply have been a moderator who thought that I had written something inappropriate.

If by chance someone does flag a post, well to me that is their problem, we can’t live our lives worrying about whether we offend someone’s sensibilities with every spoken or written utterance we make. You should simply carry on posting as you do. We are who we are, and this is a forum to allow us to describe and share our innermost thoughts and feelings.

[Jules4]

I agree with Alston. We are grieving, emotions are high, we all understand and accept that.

[Wong]

Goodness me @Mickp what sort of things are you, Alston56 and @ Bluecatmum77 all saying? All 3 of you are very straight with your comments. Some of us like that directness. Don’t know about the others but I am intrigued! Have you been swearing? I remember when we were kids there used to be talk of washing our mouths out with soap! Luckily I never had that done to me, but I did stupidly put soap in my own mouth to see what it tasted like. Did anyone else do that? Gave myself a small electric shock on one of those bedside hanging light switch things by unscrewing the middle to see what it was like inside and sticking my finger in it. Those were the days! Bit cold in winter though with the ice on the inside of the window panes. Must be getting old, have started living in the past, but it seems brighter than the future at this precise time. @Ron hope you are feeling a bit better than you were the other day.

[Amylost]

@Bluecatmum77
Don’t go we need you.
It’s probably because you used a swear word as reading your posts there is nothing else that could possibly offend someone…who knows. I don’t see it being a problem but some might🤨
Stay on here, you need our support, we need you. Like you said you’ve enough on your plate and coming on here helped you.
Sending you a hug
Amy x

[Kim5]

Oh no what is going on your posts should not offend anyone we all need support from each other can’t believe it. Don’t leave xx

[Jobar]

Dear Bluecatmum,
I think your posts help far more people than they offend (if any?) I am truly staggered to read how many of you have had your posts edited. I can’t think of a single occasion when I have been offended by what has been written. I might not always agree with what is posted but it works both ways and I fully accept that not everyone shares my view or experience of grief.
None of us has joined this forum for an easy read. Before my husband died I didn’t realise there were such things as grief forums but engaging with others who truly understand is a vital part of surviving the depths of despair we all now know.
Without being able to speak freely the whole point of the forum is undermined. I have often thought that if the content of forums such as this formed part of the syllabus for training in medical school some of us would be in a better place than we are right now. To the uninitiated, grief is indescribable. After all we have experienced, I don’t think the odd expletive or negative thought is going to break us. If someone doesn’t like a particular thread or topic they simply don’t have to engage with it.
Please don’t leave and do keep posting. Xx

[Jobar]

Dear Alston,
I clearly the remember the post you had edited. I reread it several times thinking I must have imagined the original version. I have no idea why it was deemed necessary to edit. Xx

[Alston56]

Dear @Jobar,
I suspect my use of the “m”-word and its context was perhaps considered likely to cause upset to some on the forum, especially those who may have lost a child. I may be verging on this post being edited too if I say much more!

[Riley]

I’ve been following the posts but haven’t written for a while; I realized that our posts or even private messages are scrutinized and sometimes edited. Some of the rules make sense like medical advices shouldn’t be given here, but like @Jobar said the whole point of the forum is about exchange of ideas, thoughts and perspectives. It’s a fine line between exercising caution and suppressing opinions.

@Bluecatmum77 @Bristles Thank you for pointing out the issue and I hope you guys can stay, many of your posts resonated with my experience and feelings and I appreciate your inputs. Thinking of you both xxx