Is this a thing I wonder my husband died in December last the day before our 38th Wedding Anniversary mind blowing. And your right the group is a godsend sending
Thats not very nice of your sons .there was a scheme in hull that one of the local churches ran for gardening .might be worth looking to see if any local to you do it. Hugs
Hi @Ele1, the flat feeling you describe is one that for months (still a bit now) scared me. I took the children to Highschool leaving him at one on a very rare weekday off my soulmate had. After a coffee with my Mom I returned to find he had passed away on the settee.
At first the shock, the trauma of not being able to revive him, the having to tell our children, his parents, my parents, and all the endless paperwork & practical things that needed doing kept me busy & I slept at night!
His sudden death, the upset & grief of everyone around us (but especially of our children) meant I was busy - but since I have realised I was distracted & stuck in utter disbelief.
Then the flat feelings scared me as 11 months later I started to have flasbacks. And I stopped being able to sleep. When I dozed off I woke up flat, when I rested minutes could be hours & I would become aware I hadn’t moved & still was flat.
One night I did a stupid, irresponsible thing, because I thought perhaps I couldn’t feel joy therefore couldn’t feel pain either. That’s when a mental health service called SHOUT (I can’t speak/don’t want to a lot of the time so these guys you can text!). SHOUT directed me to Due Ryder services.
Short story is I have been diagnosed with PTSD. AND i still feel flat, but have been given tools to unscramble this beast of grief that has robbed me of my shared identity with my soulmate.
If I hear one more person say it’ll improve with time I will say a prayer for them not to suffer a traumatic, life changing, heart-rending loss of any kind!
Being flat is not an alter-ego I like. It doesn’t scare me so much now. The different facets of grief have all been so unbelievably painful, and some so unexpected. Grief changes, and I know right now it has changed me.
Only God knows what will come along next, and honestly that scares me too! Am the only adult left to care for both sets of parents & my teen children - it was a reaponsibility we were shouldering together & am so not up for it! So, feeling flat sometimes spares me from overthinking, numbs fear & apprehensions about each day & the future. I do believe there is a purpose in all things, I just don’t often feel it. And whilst our shared faith still forms a huge part of my life alone (without him) I do tell God that I don’t feel spiritually fervent. I have days of great doubt, and pracricing my faith just isn’t the same without him to pray with. But I do know it is still what I want in my life, for my life, and that I need the hope I have in God - even when I don’t feel it.
I send you hugs & love, encourage you to find support in this community. Talk to one of the Sue Ryder grief counsellors maybe? Praying for you to hang in there, you matter x
Sorry thought it was worth a try. I,m fairly lucky in the fact the front and back gardens are pebbled.
This forum is more like a family .its being a big help especially now as having a flare up with rheumatoid arthritis today. In a lot of pain
Just wish i could do something to help you.gardening is one thing i,m struggling with .wish i could do something to help you
Its 15 weeks since i lost my wonderful husband . We have been together for 52 years and married for 49 years . People keep asking me how I am ,when im out, and about
I don’t what to say to them
I usually end up saying ,I’m alright
People say im doing really well ,going out to do things . I feel its a mask i wearing and eh4n im on my own at home i can take the mask off and i talk to an empty house
What do you lovely people say when people ask how are you
Hi @SHEWITCH i just say im so so if they ask… people have stopped asking as much recently ! Probably cos when they used to ask i started crying xxx
I only say, well, you know, and then they mostly nod their heads and don’t say anything or change the subject. Sending love and hugs.
Generally I say the last few days were bad but im good now and people are happy with that…but if i told them truthfully how things were they probably couldn’t handle the burden so they don’t ask and i don’t say…
I just say i,m coping. A lot of the people in goole have been great and most know how i feel
@SHEWITCH . I just posted this reply on another feed on this site about what to say when someone asks how are you?
Oh my lovlies. Hate that question too.
Because I’ve learnt in last 9 months since my husband died, that really this it’s not really for us, it’s for them , so when we say ‘okay’ they can feel okay and carry on with their lives.
I used to say , ’ I’m okay that I’m not okay’ but most didn’t get what I was saying , and responded ’ that’s good then’
Now… depending on who asks, but Mostly I just shrug my shoulders and say nothing, or just lie and weakly say ‘okay’
What I really, really wish someone would do is hug me and say ’ I know you’re not okay, and that’s okay’
Big hugs to all of you
@Cathphil wise words indeed and so true xx
@Cathphil so true. Actions speak louder than words! Xx
We had roofers in as well using Rated People because it was raining in one of our bedrooms. They replaced a few tiles (I do not think they used new tiles), did a bit of work around the chimney, cleared the gutters, cleaned the roof back and front, also the roof of our porch, and secured our aerial. It looked good so far we could see and thought the problem was cured (Paid around £1,100). (My husband was still alive at that time). But after the next downpour, it was still raining in the room. So we called them back and they said that the roof lining has to be replaced and more tiles (at least half of the roof) have to be replaced etc… The cost would be between £3,000 to £7,000 depending on what work they should do for us. My husband went into the attic, took photos, and showed it to his colleagues at work. (He was working for a maintenance company) They said the problem is around the chimney and that they did not repair the hole very well. Everything is fine: tiles, no damage to the roof lining, etc. So my husband laid thick plastic foil around the chimney and since then the rain is not coming through; it looked like he also repaired the hole because there is no water coming through anymore. I thank God that my husband did all this before he died. Sorry for the long story. Sending love and hugs.
A friend of mine put there car into a garage gave him a quote for just under 1000 pounds for various jobs .she declined and brought it to me and had a look at it and half of the jobs didn’t need doing. I sorted it out for 150 pound of parts.she was recently widowed and they saw a cash cow to be milked.the garage shut down a few weeks ago after being investigated by trading standards .so i can understand where you are coming from
Disgusting behaviour from the insurance company
I know someone went into the side of my jeep a few years ago came up the inside when I was turning left .his insurance tried to hold me responsible but had 5 witnesses and dash cam footage. Plus one of the witnesses was an off duty police officer.so sorry for the way your insurance treated you
That is terrible. On top of other problems and worries you have and I actually thought the AA has a good reputation. I think sometimes that insurance claims are more like a lottery game. When you are lucky, they pay out, when you are unlucky, you don’t get anything. Sending love and hugs from Anna.