I’ve been crying so much tonight, I’m just absolutely dreading going back to work on Monday.
The new job was supposed to be a fresh start and I really did think it would help me. I’m supposed to be having fun with residents as the job is being an activities coordinater at a care home.
My first week I’ve barely done anything activities wise, I’ve been doing the carers and hostess jobs mainly when I have never had training before it’s very weird.
The main manager hasn’t even taken the time to have a chat with me and I’ve not had a induction nor have I received a contract or done any paperwork or given my bank details for my wages. I’ve never known anything like it.
One of my previous colleagues from the other job left to go there and she was the one who told me about it and she’s the head of activities.
Anyway last night she was messaging me and asking me to ring companies to ask for donations. I don’t know how to go about this because it’s all new to me so I explained this to her and she replied saying “I’m not being funny but I don’t know how you even got the job because you don’t have a clue” woah there’s just no need!
When I woke up this morning, I had to text my partner who was downstairs to come up and help me get up because I really struggled to get the motivation to get out of bed, felt absolutely awful!
As the day went on I had time to reflect and thought to myself I’ll give it another go and was feeling somewhat more positive not overly though! Then my colleague started messaging me asking me to make a poster asking for donations and I said I’d do it if I had the time at work and she turned around and asked me what I did when I wasn’t at work. The sheer utter cheek of it. It’s safe to say she’s set me off all over again. I’m completely devastated that I tried to turn my life around and ended up in a worse position now.
I feel so hopeless and depressed and just want my Mum to comfort me
Hi Jess, something does not sound rite about this, they expect you to work in your own time?, they expect you to work in a care home caring for elderly /infirm people, you do not even know if you are getting paid and you say you have had no training?, the question must be asked are they even paying insurance for you to work there?, and if not then they are breaking the law, go to citizens advise and see what they say, the whole thing sounds a waltermiti set up and you need to know ware you really stand and if they are not even paying you then you are probably better out of it, you are still greaving and this is probably making you ill.
your colleague sounds particularly unpleasant, don’t be a door mat!!!
I am just so confused about the whole situation, I really thought a fresh start would help me and I was under the impression the role I went for would be less stressful and would help me with my grieving. It’s just made things so much more worse.
Don’t get me wrong the odd times I’ve been able to actually do some of my job (activities with the residents) I’ve not felt so bad.
As for her messaging me when I’m off I told her there’s no chance of getting me doing anything work related when I am off and when she asked what I do when I’m not at work I said I spend time with my family. I could have said a lot worse believe me!
I have been messaging a unit manager from my previous job and she thinks I should email the manager to see if I can go back there but the truth is I’m scared in case they say no and scared if they say yes because I’d feel so embarrassed going back. After all I did leave for a reason.
If you want to go back there’s zero embarrassment. If you don’t ask then it’s a hard no, if you ask and it’s not possible then you know you need to create a new plan for yourself. It’s awful you’re in this situation. It’s not ok. You don’t need to let them know what you do in your own time unless it’s a direct conflict with you job. But what would be a direct conflict?
Sending you strength, and hope you enjoy your Sunday despite what’s been said.x
It was like she was expecting me to use my own time that’s unpaid to do things work related but I’m not that stupid lol there’s no chance of me doing anything work related when I’m not there lol.
I am going to see how this week goes as I’ve brought it to one of the managers attention so I’ll give them the time to make a change, if not I shall email my previous employer and tell them I’ve made a mistake.
If I’ve miss the opportunity to return I guess I’ll have to go back on the job search and hope that something more suitable comes up.
I do wonder though if I’d be able to handle the situation better if I wasn’t so down in the dumps about losing my mum.
Thanks so much for your kind words and just being there for me. I don’t have many people that seem to care around me but the ones that are actually there I don’t want to keep going on at them so it is nice to offload on here sometimes.
Jess, sometimes we have to go back in order to move forward and sometimes that is no ones fault (your colleague could and should have been more supportive) and from what you say you were valued in your previous job, swallow your pride and ask if you can go back, we all have to network and if you left on good terms then that will help your application, ask if yoiu can have your old position back.
Good luck
It’s hard isn’t it. Feel my friends are being weird or quiet. Like we don’t have the capacity to chase friendships just now.
I mean it does sound awful and you might have been able cope a little better but it’s still not ok to be treated like that at work. And it’s exactly what this forum is for, for venting and leaning on others.
All I’ve done is cry today. The trauma is kicking in and I keep searching google for answers. Grief is dark today.x
I know all about the dark days of grief and the friends thing.
No one actually contacts me unless I contact them first and in all honesty I’m losing interest in even doing that so I understand what you mean.
I’m sorry you are having a bad day, they say you have less the more time goes on but I struggle to believe that.
I’m so anxious about going in tomorrow, and to think I had it bad in the previous job.
I sort of wish I didn’t have to work for a bit just while I sort my head out but of course it is frowned upon and there’s no help for the bereaved out there x
Can you say to your friends what you need? I mentioned to some friends earlier this week that they can ask me directly how I’m doing, don’t skirt round the edge coz avoiding talking about my Mum or my grief makes me feel worse. I might cry talking about Mum but I’m not embarrassed. They’ve been really good to be honest, but I was more bouncing the words around coz I’ll need to say it to wider friends.
I’ve read that month 2 is harder, it’s been 5 weeks so into the second month. Mum was always who I spoke to when something was upsetting me, I know she didn’t want me to be sad sad but how can I not. Lost my best friend.
Thankfully I’m getting some early support, it’s once every 2-3 weeks but it’s something. I’ve had one session so far. Can you speak with your doctor to see what local support is available to you? It’s a shame it’s not something well known before bereavement.x
I think as time goes on it will actually get harder rather than easier. You’ll feel their absence more it’ll be more real that they’re not going to come back. I think with shock the brain almost shuts the idea out that that’s even possible; then reality kicks in. But I think over much more time, when we have a sort of new normal and come to realise we’ve managed to cope (whether we be grieving still or having good days) we will see that we’re still here still standing and still keeping on. I think it will take many years. I spoke to my partners dad who lost his mum same age as me, and he’s in his 50s now so roughly 20 years since he lost his mum, he said it still hurts, but you find ways to keep busy and your life does continue. However he said not a day goes by that he doesn’t think of her.
With the friends thing my friends (I’ve only got 5 ones my cousin, but some old friends have reached out too and been so kind) most of my friends check in with me daily or every other day to ask how I am and telling me they hope I’m okay. It makes a difference doesn’t it it’s just nice to know people are thinking of you. It’s very important to have a support system.
X
I really think you should pop them an email or actually call them Jess. Just explain what’s going on and ask if there’s any chance. Like universal said maybe they will say no but it’s a hard no if you never ask. And definitely do not be embarrassed if you do go back! You’re grieving right now and people make mistakes especially when their world has been turned upside down. And remember everyone else is too busy worrying about themselves most of the damn time anyway and if anything, it would be a quick chat between colleagues ‘did you hear Jess is coming back?’ And they’ll move on to a new subject. If you go back things would return to as they were before in a matter of weeks. I mentioned a woman I work with was in a similar position she reached out and the manager said her position had been filled but he’d re contact her when he is able to rehire her and that he would get back to her. If your position hasn’t been filled you’re likely able to return.
I think you’re right to give this new place a chance but if it’s been like this in week one no paperwork for your wage, a colleague contacting you outside about what you’re doing. I don’t know it’s your decision I hope it gets better but if it doesn’t I hope you do give your old work a call x
My mum passed 11th March so it’s coming up to 8 months for me and I won’t lie sometimes it does feel like it’s getting harder. Heck I still can’t get my head around it at times. The amount of times I look at her photos and ask "how have you really gone? "
I went months wanting to dream about her so bad and now I seem to have dreams about her a lot. It’s mainly about it turning out to be unreal and she comes back to me. Then I wake up absolutely gutted.
The first dream I had of her though was beautiful and I’d like to think it was a visitation, she just walked into the room and I was proper hugging her and wouldn’t let go and was crying so much. I could still feel her embrace when I woke up.
That day I had my lovely dream of her I asked her to send me a sign to confirm whether it was really her. Went outside on my break and a robin joined me, it perched directly in front of me on the bench.
It does make a difference when someone shows that they care but the friends I thought would be there, I’ve hardly heard a dam thing! I’ve had people there for me who I wouldn’t think would be but these people have been through similar situations.
I don’t expect my friends who haven’t been through it to understand but I would appreciate them to check in on me every one in a while instead of me reaching out to them when I’m struggling x
I’m going to try and find out what an earth is going on tomorrow. The thing is in my previous job I was unhappy and I left for a reason.
I have had time to reflect and thought I’d give it another chance, failing that I can always look for something else. It has crossed my mind to find a job that’s less hours than normal as a temporary measure to get my head right.
Aw you’re welcome I hope it works out and you’re right I bet it would have been a little easier to digest your grief somewhat if you didn’t have this other huge stressor to deal with. My work doesn’t stress me at all so I can comment that it makes a difference I knew I wasn’t going to be rushed back and when I did do my first day back everyone couldn’t have been nicer. I’ve been there 7 years now and don’t think I’d ever leave.
With the new position you’ve taken you’re only a week in, could you negotiate less hours? Just ask to have a chat with the manager and say you’d like to trial it since you’re still in the probation ask if it would work. If not just say thanks for their time. Plenty of part time positions about. I worked in a care home for a short time as a carer in my early 20s (I didn’t enjoy it so I ended up leaving I loved the work didn’t like the hours and hurting my back was a shame) however they did let me drop from 3 14 hour shifts down to 2 and it made a big difference. They even tried to get me to help plan activities for the old ones and I was so into it! I think in some care homes they just pile work on you, I was lifting people with no training whatsoever it wasn’t right. But I love old people I just think they need someone to chat to and what a lovely job you have planning activities for them it sounds lovely.
Definitely don’t make any rash decisions tonight. Can always call your old boss nearer end of the week and ask for a chat, and give it a few more days in this new place to see how you feel. But if you don’t feel it, don’t worry or get too down on yourself please. We all make decisions in life and sometimes we have regrets but at least you’re trying that’s the main thing. And plenty of other jobs out there you don’t know where you will be this time next year.
Do you think if the other colleague fully left you alone, and if they don’t give you different work you will enjoy it more? If so it could be worth sticking around but definitely make a point to sort your wages out tomorrow
Also about your dream that sounds just wonderful. How long after your mum passed did you start dreaming of her? I’ve not had a proper one yet just where I felt like I was in her position in hospital and it lasted seconds. I’d love to meet her in a dream. When my gran died I was about 12 and I dreamt we were walking together not far from my house smiling away she was still old, she looked so happy, and she said you go back that way now go home I need to go this way, and the pavement infront of her lit up bright light and I walked back toward my house. I do believe it’s a visit. Especially at 12, I had no real concept of death, and my mother and father did not discuss her death around me. My dad came home, pronounced his mum was dead, and that was all.
It’s only now way down the line my dads been opening up to me about his mums passing and how hard it really hit him; he just never spoke to anyone about it.
Sorry this is so long and veered off in a different direction!
Hope you get some rest tonight and tomorrow pleasantly surprises you. You never know it could be a good day. As we know what a difference a day makes now, it can turn your whole world upside down, or it could make you a little bit happier. And reach out on here anytime we do care I am so happy I wrote my original post I had no idea how many lovely people I’d end up speaking to because of it x
I loved the idea of planning/doing activities with the residents, that is why I took the leap of faith. The odd time I’ve actually been able to spend time with them hasn’t been too bad. I think like most care homes they’re really short staffed.
I just think I shouldn’t be doing what I haven’t been trained for, I’ve had a few seniors saying they’d do my moving and handling training but I’m worried they’re only offering for their own benefit. I am there to occupy the minds of the residents which is what they also need but it’s no good if I don’t have the time to that due to the carers passing their work onto me.
Arh reading about your dream about your Gran gave me the shivers, how beautiful! I remember when my Grandad passed, I was 11 and one night he sat on the end of my bed, I think it was the night of his passing, I’ve never forgot about that and I often had dreams of seeing him in heaven.
I did have a dream about my mum around 2 days after she passed, I dreamt that I woke up and went downstairs to my kitchen and a man I’ve never met in my life was stood in there, although I didn’t know who he was I felt comfortable around him. He then said to me “she’s waiting outside for you”. I opened my back door and she was stood waiting but looked sad and couldn’t seem to communicate with me. I put it down to it being new to her but I’m unsure it was real with her being sad.
My first reading with a medium she told me that my mum had been trying to enter my dreams but my head was too all over the place for her to get through.
I didn’t dream of her again after the one where the man led me to her for months and it’s only recently I’ve started dreaming of her.
I miss her terribly and would like to have a dream where we just hang out and it’s less confusing lol
I do a thing every night where I imagine a white orb around me and I say “mum let’s go on adventure that I can remember tomorrow” I came across the idea by watching mediums on tiktok and thought there’s no harm in trying.
That’s amazing Jess I will try it tonight and every night til I see her. Wow that sounds wonderful it really does sound like it was too soon for her and she wasn’t sure how to properly communicate yet. I’m not sure so don’t quote me but my cousin said it takes about 3 months for the soul to be stronger on the other side so maybe 2 days was just too soon, but how lovely she tried
My dad has been dreaming of my mum so that gives me alot of happiness. I so wish she will visit me and I am hoping maybe she is just busy right now! Who knows what they’re doing on the other side but I do truly feel their for sure is something after death.
That’s lovely your grandad visiting you too, 11 is young there is no way your mind would create that, I think it is a visit.
Also you asking your mum after the dream for a sign and a robin appearing is so hopeful! As I’ve said on here I’ve never spotted robins in our garden now there’s one there a lot. Visited me the morning after she passed, has followed my dad inside his shed and wouldn’t leave. I know there’s no way to fact check it but that’s life we just need to believe it, not everything has to be proven to be real. My wee girl was saying gran gone recently and pointing up at the ceiling, she hasn’t recently so I am just hoping that means my mum is maybe not showing herself just now or maybe she is a bit busy visiting other people.
Let us know how tomorrow goes I’ve got everything crossed for you, I am also in work myself but might pop on here if it is quiet. Then I’m at home/off rest of the week. If you can waggle yourself a part time position I’d recommend it because it takes alot of stress of. I work Monday, a half shift Wednesday at home and Friday. Knowing I have Tuesday Thursday free and at 1 on Wednesday I am done it’s great. And if you book a Monday or Friday off, you’re off for ages! There’s a man I work with who does a 4 day week with every Friday off and he loves that. He just approached the employer and asked and they trialled it and it worked he’s done it ever since. Every wage rise I’ve gotten because I asked. Don’t ask don’t get and I just always ask even if it’s a no we can’t reduce your hours, no we can’t take you back, at least you know where you stand after that. Always worth an ask.
It’s my mums birthday Friday so I am off and I think I’ll be sick to my stomach the night before and the day of. I’d always text her (or go through when I lived with her) around midnight as she was a night owl to wish her happy birthday. I guess I will just write in her journal this year.
I wish she knew how much I miss her if she’s watching she might not even know because i never knew I’d be like this but I’m quite reserved right now with my emotions I feel them but I am not crying all the time anymore. I hope she knows I miss her I do talk to her and tell her.
I’ve told her to show herself to me and that I won’t be afraid but she probably knows me better than I do, I would probably be a little scared.
I don’t know if it’s normal but I actually don’t know how I feel. It changes often. Sometimes I feel at peace with the situation as I cannot change it, other times I am just completely uneasy and anxious feeling like I don’t want my mind to wander to it.
Anyway I hope tomorrow is a lot better for you and if it isn’t all is not lost you may return to the old job (even though you did leave for a reason sometimes better the devil you know) or you may move on to something even better.
Take care I better try and sleep, I’m up at 6 tomorrow
Amy xxx
Okay no problem Amy me to I better take myself off to bed to, just wanted to let you know I read your message and I’ll get back to you properly at some point tomorrow good luck x
Thanks Jess I am still up too. Just trying to sleep but tbh these days I find it harder than ever, especially when I know I need to be up in the morning!
Speak tomorrow Amy xxx
I rarely remember my dreams, something I used to like but now I’m quite upset about it. I’ll properly read both your messages about dreams in the morning, too tired for reading (I’m dyslexic). Speak tomorrow!x
I hope it works out and you’re right I bet it would have been a little easier to digest your grief somewhat if you didn’t have this other huge stressor to deal with. My work doesn’t stress me at all so I can comment that it makes a difference I knew I wasn’t going to be rushed back and when I did do my first day back everyone couldn’t have been nicer. I’ve been there 7 years now and don’t think I’d ever leave.