I don’t know how I should be feeling either. See I got quite used to my mum being unwell it was how she was for many years and really as long as I remember she didn’t keep well, so it was a shock she got so unwell to the point of death, I really did not see it coming 
but yes like you I did a lot of grieving before she passed as drs warned me even the day she was admitted she would likely pass. It was up and down she’d recover then rapidly decline that happened several times within the space of 7 weeks it was a rollercoaster.
I think the anti depressants must be helping I’m wondering if I should take them or not. I can imagine it would numb the grief to an extent, I seen my gp while my mum was in hospital and they urged me to take them then but I wasn’t sure since they said the first 6 weeks can actually make you feel worse - did you find that you felt worse initially?
Hope you’re okay and I hope your dad is too, studies show spousal loss is the hardest of all as that is your life partner and I cannot imagine a life without my partner.
Amy xxx
Not in the sense we just have to get on with it necessarily many people will take time out of work if they can but most of us don’t have that luxury I love my job or else I may have left to grieve and just be with my family all the time but I am quite lucky in the sense I’m only working 2.5 days a week so it’s too bad. I think if you really are struggling with going back you should take more time away from work all I mean is eventually we would have to return now or later unless you have the finances to not have to. The only good thing I find about working is it is nice to focus my mind on something else for a little while even if it’s not very fun, it keeps your mind distracted for a bit 
That’s wonderful she adopted you and your dad too. They are still your family Tim and I’m sure they only have your best interests at heart too and it’s good you have some family left, they’ll have memories of your twin brother especially his wife that you can share together. Yes my daughter will keep me going if I didn’t have her I think I’d be spiralling right now. I think kids can give you that nudge to snap out of a bad mood; it’s all about them so I end up just completely focused on her which isn’t a bad thing. As I’ve said it’s night times that are the worst for me she is sleeping and I have all the time to start feeling down again. I found a photo of my mum from her wedding day today, never seen it before. Have put it on the mantle piece in the living room. I have her wedding dress in a cupboard and her tiara too.
With regards to work I think the best change has happened allowing work from home. However most managers push for you to come in a lot of the time. I work 2.5 days a week and I usually only do the half day from home they sometimes let me do a Friday from home but I’ve asked they make my Fridays from home a more permanent thing so I’m only having to travel in and see people on the Monday. And yes in my work there are too many chiefs it’s always been that way, but we have even more now since I returned from maternity! I am not sure why workplaces do that, it would suffice to have 1 manager to at least 10 people imo but in one group in my work there’s a team of 3- the manager, the supervisor, then the worker who reports to them! Doesn’t make much sense to me, but then again I am just a pleb who does the donkey work 
i think I’d rather keep it that way
And still very down tonight she would be 71 in 1.5 hours from now. She really loved me like no one else could she was so devoted to me. It’s hard to imagine that person really isn’t here. I know she might be spiritually and I’m quite sure she is, but I’ve still not seen her or had any dreams. I hope she’s maybe just busy. My daughter said my mums name again today then said up and pointed up. I thought at least she’s not pointing down! She’d be in heaven for sure.
Amy xxx
I had started taking antidepressants when she was ill so they couldn’t have made me worse than I did
I am a nurse so I think everyone in the family looked to me for answers and I did a lot of personal care ( even when she was in hospital as the ward was so busy)
I’m worried if I stop taking the meds that the grief will get me full pelt!!
Look after yourself xx
Fifi, its ok, we all greave differently and you went back to work after a week, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY about how you are feeling, I think you are a survivor and your mother would be proud off you, life goes on as it must, and maybe for you your work is giving you a focus in life and helping you to cope, yes, your dad is greaving to and you must keep an eye on him and in your case the anti depresants are helping you and maybe your father should be on them too?. people still have to eat and many have a morgage to pay and theyn still have to work, I am sure you are doing what is right for you, I lost my mother in january at the end of 4 years with dementia, she died in my arms gasping for breath heavily sedated at home, we were alone in the house and there was no one to hold my hand, it was left to me to call the night nurses and the undertaker, I have health issues as a result of being her principle carer day and night for the last 4 years and was as shot up as a wartime bomber pilot who has flown 100 missions in a hundred nights, I was physical and mentally a wreck and just wanted to curl up in my sleeping bag in a freezing cold house and die, and I would have had I not been found, my mother was a good age at 95 and from the greatest generation, ring your father every night and if you are free at the weekends take him out for lunch if you can, certainly me and my mother bonded more after the death of my father in 2008 and it will be good both for you and him to spend some time together, watch him carefully, I know its been a few months but it is still early days and near anniversaries and christmas he may take a down turn, sometimes with elderly married couples when one goes the other follows soon after, its because they get overwhelmed with depression, stop eating,drinking and just stay in bed and just give up, the younger people usually pull through because they have more resources, but for the elderly a series bereathment can be as dangerous as pneumonia and be a killer.
try not to feel down, I know live alone and still have hard days and its 10 months know since I lost my mother, you never get over a serius bereavement, you just get used to it, life never is the same afterwards and we cannot put the clocks back much as we would love to, we are all on this site for the same reason, that is to connect with others who are going through similar chapters in there lives and loosing people is one of them, in the words of the late queen mother, ‘Grief, is the price we pay for love’
Keep your chin up, you are not alone, we are all in this together.
Timxx
Thanks Amy for such a lovely reply, you are definitely NOT a pleb, do not devalue yourself so, if working from home is possible then more people should be allowed to do it(think of the cost saving on office space, heating, lighting, etc) you would think that would mean something to them wouldn’t you?, try not to be alone at night, nothing can bring our mothers back, but they would not want to think of us being down all the time, I still have bad days as I have said and the picture I sent to you is know my screen saver, I think I still have depression and may need antidepressants so I will see my doctor next week, I was hoping to keep of them but I have been dragging down a bit the last week and the change of weather has not helped,let you know how I get on.friday tomorrow, then the weekend again, hope you are having a better night.
Love and blessings
Timxx
I think I’m going to keep trying without them but if I am still getting down next year I might ask to take them. It sounds like it has helped you which is hopeful. I understand though the thought of coming off then and worrying will you feel worse, I don’t know the answer. However I don’t think you need to come off of them for a long time.
It’s natural too some people jump right back into work a man I work with was back about a week or so after his dad died he told me he came back to keep busy which makes sense everyone has their own ways of coping
Amy x
Yes the weather is not helping at all and you’re most welcome, thank you for your kind messages too they always cheer me up. I think that would be good Tim to even speak to the gp about them and try them out I’m thinking I will too but I’ll maybe give it a bit more time to see how I go. That’s lovely that picture is your screen saver now. It’s funny isn’t it when we’re little we want toys for Christmas I just want my mum here. I am hopeful she will be here in her own way and that your family are all with you too
And thank you I wasn’t always a pleb lol but since returning after maternity my old job (doing accounts admin arranging events) was taken off me. I am not too sad about it anymore the workplace drastically changed we don’t do things as we used to and and I’m not in enough to do that type of work so I was put on phones and emails. I’ve had many jobs though so doing this isn’t a problem to me as I’ve had many worse jobs I’m grateful I’m in the company I’m in it’s a good one. My line manager is lovely. And I am happy to work there until I want to stop, like you I have no mortgage I stay with my father and have no plans to change that me and my partner are happy here with my daughter and my dad was thrilled we stayed to have our company. It is a big enough house for us all he lives in a beautiful room with French doors at the back of the house and we all live up stairs and we are thinking of possibly extending again. I love living in my childhood home I have all the memories and I just know if my mums anywhere she’s back here.
Amy xxx
Amy, Thanks for a lovely reply, I left my child hood home with my mother in 2012 and we took a bungalow instead, the people who bought my mothers house the wife was my Sunday school teacher from many years ago in Barrow and she is now a lay minister and sometimes takes the service on sunday in church,so there is still a connection, it had french doors in the lounge going into the garden and was lovely in the summer but we kept them well secured during the winters and was a 4 bedroomed sizable house, I think you are going to land on your feet, the extension sounds a grate idea and for you to be all living together like the Waltons, sounds like you will have enough space to live together and still have your own space and that is a recipe for demestick harmony, my mothers bungalow(will be mine soon after probate) is a 3 bedroom bungalow but I have turned the smallest (intended as a child’s room) into a clock room ware I repair clocks, I have installed a solar power system with battery and because I receive tax credits I got new cavity wall insulation and a modern gas boiler installed for free, I was offered it and would have been a fool to say no and thinking of my clairvoyant who told me she does not see me moving I jumped at the chance to have it, my long term plan for next year is to make all my own electricity and use E-car batteries for storage, I think I an here for the duration so I may have a long deployment and the changes I am making will make it easier for me to live here. Hope you enjoy your day and have a good weekend if you can
Love and blessings 
Timxx
Thank you all for your lovely replies
@amyrose92 yes I am Hoping next week is a little better .I’ve felt so low all week
How are you today ? It is your Mums birthday ? Xx
Thanks Laura yes it is her birthday today, such a strange thing to try and understand that she’ll not be around to celebrate any birthdays again. This weekend will be hard too as we’d have taken her out tomorrow or Sunday or both. I took nice decorations and flowers to her grave today.
Hope next week is better for you and me both, I’ll be in the office two days I think next week. I know I’ll be fine and it’s probably good for me to get up ready and in but part of me doesn’t want to. Sure it’s all normal feelings. Bought some nice Christmas decorations yesterday to try get myself excited for the holidays (I know it’s early but we had nothing) hopefully can try our best to enjoy the rest of the year, and the rest of our lives. I know I won’t be the same as I was before but I hope I can still try to enjoy things in life.
Amy xx
Hi Tim that sounds amazing with all your home renovations, I think my partners family have done something similar lately with their insulation and heating it took a while for it to be up and running but it was done during the summertime and I think they’re happy with it. Definitely make it as comfortable for yourself as possible like you say you’ll be there for a long time. It’s my mums birthday today she’d have been 71 it feels surreal that we had to visit a graveyard instead of visiting her in her flat. I still imagine sometimes that she’s just across the road in her flat. Took some nice decorations and flowers up. Life just feels a bit flat. Maybe just feeling a bit numb. Feel very sick again. I know I have a lot going for me though and you’re right it’s lovely we can all live comfortably here together things could be alot worse. In 2017 I’d just met my partner and he started staying with me and my mum in her old flat most of the time. My dads said to me to imagine I never met him, never had my daughter and my mum passed with just me and her alone in that flat (she had many episodes in there too and wasn’t doing well for a very long time so it was possible that could’ve happened). He’s told me to try and think of the good things and I know he’s right. My mum was happy I met someone (even if she did want me all to herself too) I know she was happy I’d met someone and had a baby and at least in that sense she’ll live on as she made me and I made my girl. After all it’s the circle of life and we all have to go through it the highs and lows. I suppose that is the human experience, and animals a la the lion king. We all go through it and it’s probably the only thought that keeps me sane! No one can escape this loss in one way or another and we all have to experience it which means we’re not alone. I am wondering what my mum might be up to on her birthday on the other side I hope she’s just watching us or spending time with her relatives before me.
Have a lovely weekend if you can and speak soon
Amy xxx
Dear Amy, I know its so hard your mum not being there the way she was, and your dad is write, had you not met your boyfriend and had your dad gone then you would be in a similar situation to me and may have been alone with your mother at the end, you say your mother wanted you to herself?, my grand mother and mother had a similar relationship, and my father was told by someone ‘If you marry Jean, you will have to marry the mother to’ in reality of course that is what happens and is a legal relationship, they are of course THE IN LAWS, have you read the epilogue in ‘the survival of the soul’?, it concerns Lisa Williams experience’s of the passing of a very close friend and it mirrors my experience with my late mother, and the room really did get colder just after she passed, its on page 223 at the back of the book, I think you will find it helpful, Lisa added it as an extra because she thought it would help people like you and me come to terms with events, I know what you are going through and it seems so cold visiting a grave instead of visiting your mother and I am sad you say you feel sick again, try drinking small amounts of milk regularly if you are not lactose intolerant, I like it hot with sugar and chocolate in, and a couple of paracetamol will help settle you down tonight, but try not to be alone, sleep with your partner or stay up the night with him or your dad, he will be feeling it to and to night might be dangerous, ,DO NOT leave him by himself tonight unless he is asleep.
Kept busy today with varies projects around the house and have worked solidly since I got up, tried to strim the lawns today but the strimmer broke, it needs a new strimming head, disk sanded a table top outside, turned some metal on my lathe and fixed the chimes in a clock after repairing a clockwork charismas toy roundabout for a customer, (not looking forward to that, neither of us is, but I enjoy fixing things and getting them to work) I hope things improve for you and we can all look on the bright side, we all need hope, do read the epilogue, but to be continued.have a quiet weekend Amy.
Love and blessings
Timxx
I am struggling with Christmas - I’ve been to a bonfire with my son tonight- got through it .
It’s so difficult isn’t it .
Yes I hope we both have better weeks .
Xx
Hey everyone sorry not been in touch been besides me self with immense stress and desperately looking for another job!
I’ve actually emailed the main manager at my old company how I go about reapplying because anything is better than feeling like this!
@amyrose92 it must feel weird that it is your Mums birthday, I know cause it was my Mums back in June 3 months after she passed.
It’ll be my birthday next week and I really don’t want it and people keep asking me what I want and I say you can’t get me what I want, I’m sure you all know what that is!
I went to see my Grandma today and she actually told me how much she understands me and can see how much deeper I am grieving over my mum as I seem to have taken it the worse.
She also thinks that I am struggling from the guilt of it all and thinks that I believe I could have saved her which is so true. I need to accept there’s nothing I could have done to prevent what happened and learn to forgive myself which is easier said than done.
Hey Amy, how are you feeling today? Hope you’re feeling strong. It’s so so sad, my Mum’s birthday is around Christmas and I’ve not decided how I’d like to celebrate the day coz of course, we want to celebrate our Mums in a new way, hope you got nice weather and could spend some time visiting x
How are you all in our wee group?
My dog hasn’t been well today so I took him to the vet this morning, sent away to keep an eye on him. By the evening he was starting to have an allergic reaction to the plant he chewed so we went back out of hours for some meds. I’ve to set an alarm every couple of hours to check on him through the night. It just brought back a flood of memories of calling all the ambulances the month Mum was in and out of hospital, especially the day Mum was wrongly sent home from A&E at lunch, and I called a second ambulance in the afternoon. It was awful.x
Hi @Universal I’m feeling a bit numb this week … just trying to get through it .
The ambulance situation really is a worry isn’t it ?! The Nhs really is a mess .
You’re in for a long night then with the doggo ? I have a cat - Meg . She’s 13 now and loves this time of year as she keeps in front of the fire all night !
I hope you are doing as well as can be. Here anytime for a chat xxx
So sorry you feel numb, going back to work will be taking so much energy tho. I’m back on Monday, I don’t think I’m ready. Same here, here to listen.
I ordered a book on grief and a journal, they arrived today so let’s see how they go. See if they help…
Meg is a great name for a cat, is she black?!
It was the doctor at a&e, they deemed Mum wasn’t having a heart attack, didn’t do all the tests needed to say for sure and just sent Mum home. When Mum went back in in the evening another doctor then did the proper tests and confirmed another attack. That day is a hard one to process. Same with the 5th ambulance, that one is a hard day to process too. Thankfully I’m getting some support to talk through what happened.x