I am only doing 8 hours a week at the minute so not sure why I struggled so much . Just seeing where I left off I guess when life was good .
Meg is a tabby cat .
How are you doing today ? Xx
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Normally there is a definitive( blood test they can do to confirm a heart attack and this has been around for many years and they used it on me as long ago as 1996 when I crashed out in Hull at uni(yes, I am that old!!) and I was a mature student then, why have they not done this?.
Universal, was this negligence, mall practice or both?.there is a standard blood test to diagnose a heart attack and every medic knows it, I am only a stage 3 work place first aider.
Hi, Tim hear, just saying thanks for suggesting ‘The servivalk of the soul’ by Lisa Williams, very enjoyable and worth reading, the epilogue reminds me very much of my mother passing and the room really did go colder when she passed, as it did in the epilogue.
Blessings to you and enjoy your weekend.
Tim.
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They did one troponen test that day, didn’t follow up with the second one on the first a&e visit. Second visit they took both tests but I am appalled at Mum’s treatment that day. I stormed into a&e after the first visit demanding to know what pain relief they’d given Mum and why they were sending her home in agony.
I bought How to carry what can’t be fixed by Megan Devine. Some reviews call it patronising but one persons patronising is another persons comforting tone so we’ll see.
The other one is Grief day by day, by Jan Warner. Reviews are that it’s good to dip in and out of.
I’m finding grief is getting bigger, it’s 6 weeks today since Mum passed and it’s real, the trauma flashes back and I need to get a handle on it so I can keep my promise to Mum that I will keep going. Mum was so so brave and fought so hard, I have to keep going for her.x
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@Universal yes it definitely got harder for me . It hits home and you just miss them more and more . Extremely difficult, sending love x
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Hi Tim yes I had read a little of the book I have not had chance to read alot but I love what I have read so far and I know I will enjoy reading it when I get moments to do so. I have it on my kindle I plan to read some in work on Monday when it is quiet 
Yes she wanted me all to herself. She did not want me to move out and even when I was pregnant and I moved to my dads for more space I would still go up once or twice a week and stay over with her because I knew she missed me. Then she moved across the road my dad would be over every day and I was over twice or sometimes more per week; and she’d sometimes say that she thought I’d be over more. It is hard as I had a small baby at the time then went back to work and trying to juggle work and a baby, and I was a bit frustrated as at the time she was mobile and could have popped over any time herself, whereas when a baby is asleep you’re just sitting waiting on them waking up and trying to get some rest yourself. I love her but we are all human with flaws and she expected alot from the people around her, I hope that doesn’t sound awful but it was the reality.
We had a weird moment tonight Tim thought you’d appreciate it, the heater in our bedroom started beeping out of nowhere and I said to thin air ‘that would be funny if it’s you’ didn’t say her name. My daughter started waving and saying hi gran hi gran. And I started crying, maybe it was her telling me she was in the room. Not long before it I was thinking I wish she would show me she was here.
Watching a show me and my mum liked I thought I’d be upset but I’m enjoying it it’s nice to think she might be here watching it too.
We bought a new Christmas tree today because I love decorating it and I want to try my best and enjoy the holidays even though it won’t be a the same. And I’ll be thinking of all of you too this Christmas and hoping yous are all okay.
Hope you have a nice weekend too, and not too many noisy fireworks going off near you!
Amy xx
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Oh no I hope your dog is okay 
and that’s awful they wrongly sent her home. The nhs is great at many things but they drop the ball a lot too and that’s not okay, I hope you let the doctors know or alerted someone as that is so bad. And what a relief you were there to call a second ambulance, but you shouldn’t have had to.
Amy xxx
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I am not too sure how I’m feeling it’s sad to think I’ll have to live through her birthday many times without her here. And the build up to the day isn’t good either. I honestly think just do what gets you through the day we visited her grave in the morning and I spent most of the rest of the day at home. I hope you’ll be okay at your mums birthday too, maybe plan to have that day to yourself or if you don’t want to be alone, try make some plans in advance with someone now. Just whatever gets you through. Me and my partner watched a film in the evening to take my mind off things and afterwards I wrote a few pages in the journal I got to write letters to her in. It’s quite therapeutic. Please take care of yourself on that day especially as it feels so wrong that the world just keeps on spinning when your mum can’t celebrate her own birthday.
Amy xxx
Jess there’s no way you could’ve changed the outcome so don’t put that on yourself I think that way too sometimes what if I never moved out, what if what if. It doesn’t help and there’s no way to change things and be hopeful that she’s not far from you even now. I’m so glad you visited your gran she will be devastated too losing her daughter it’s so sad, it’s not the natural way but it’s how it has happened I’m glad yous can be there for each other. She will be hurting but I would think she’s more worried for you. My dad was the same when we found out what was happening with my mum he told me what’s about to happen will affect me forever. As of course he’s also experienced the loss of his mother. Life is just full of terrible experiences and I think we are here to unfortunately try to understand ourselves more, feel the grief and be learning lessons about ourselves. We’re still here and we’re going to keep going just remember we’re all here too and we know how you feel. As does your gran, she will have lost her parents I think and her daughter, so much loss, but she is still here with you for a reason so cherish your time together 
she will need you.
To be honest I am just numb I think I’m not sure how to feel. I have cried alot. Just can’t understand that this is it, will never get another hug or kiss or conversation. But we all have been through it and at least we’re not alone. Thanks for understanding. I have already decided I’ll be taking her birthday off work every year and will do something to remember her.
For your birthday if you don’t want to do anything, you don’t have to. I’m sure people will understand. And if you don’t want anything that’s perfectly fine too. I don’t want anything for Christmas this year either. And for my birthday my mum would always get me wonderful gifts. I hope your mum visits you on your birthday perhaps in your dreams. We all want the same thing but please keep heart that you will be with each other again it will just be a long time and you will live a good life to make your mum proud.
Amy xxxx
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Hello Universal, may I ask what caused your mum to pass?, mine had dementia and wanted to die at home and being her principle carer I went every step of the way through the valley of the shadow of death all the way to the gates of heaven and at the very end as she died in my arms gasping like a catfish I felt her sole pass through me and the room suddenly felt colder leaving me with health issues like exhaustion, chronic fateage,depression, hypertension and ptsd (most people in special forces don’t go through that as a rule) she fought like Ukraine against Babyboy Putin to the very end, at 95 she was off the greatest generation that defeated Hitler and for me to give up would be dishonest and a betrayal , I know how I felt at 6 weeks, I was ill and suicidal, but something inside me would not let me give in, and it is only know I am coming out of it, while my mother was alive carers and nurses kept coming in and it was company, suddenly that all stopped and I found myself, ill,abandoned, isolated, venerable and alone and this was the start of the worst day of my life, the morning after my mothers death and the realisation that life would never be the same again, its not just a death, when it is a close relative who you live with it is a life changing event and it is the first day of the rest of your life and there was no one to hold my hand and I had to make all the arrangements myself including the funeral, registering the death, dealing with lawyers, utility companies and sundries etc, If you live alone it is especially hard when the diseased has made no arrangements before hand and I was already at my limit before she died as her carer and it was early January so I took the most pragmatic line I could, direct cremation,that way I could deal with the funeral at a later date when the weather was better and people could travel and I had more time to make preparations, as I was getting no help it was the best way to deal with a gastly situation, my mother had expressed a wish to be cremated so that is what I did with her body, there is no perticuler way to grieve, all of us are different and some of us take antidepressants etc, I say keep off them if you can,but if it is the only way you can face the next minute, the next hour, the next day then ok for the short term (they take a week to ten days to work, I have heard of a vet giving them to some glum penguins and they perked up!) you have proberbly heard of the seven stages of greaving, that was intended for the terminaly ill but seeing that the greaving of the terminaly ill is just as indevidual as the greaving of the bereaved then it is questionable if it is relevant there too, you cannot treat it as a textbook subject like history(usually written by the victors who put there own slant on it and no, Queen Liz never made that famous Tilbury speech ‘the heart and courage of a lion’ but it sounded good with Shakespeare and was a fun bit of spin) back to the subject, the fact is we never get over a real bereavement, but we get used to it, my local minister gave me a wonderful analogy, imagan a box, in it is a large ball called grief, and the ball is constantly touching the sides of the box and you feel a pang of grief every time it touches the side of the box and it is almost like a physical pain, and as time goes on the ball gradually gets smaller and smaller but it never quite disappears and know and then jabs you like a little bee once did in my wellingtons, just enough to let you know its there(the bee clearly did not want to die, I removed my wellington carefully and let it crawl out unharmed) I have no parasear to offer you, paracetamol can give temporary relief, does not need a prescription and works relatively quickly, but consult a doctor if taken for more then 5 days who will probably prescribe antidepressants but if under 60 it will cost you around £10.60(I think,. I am 63) keep in touch and keep going is all I can suggest, we are all on this site for the same reason, thinking off you, hang in there.
Tim
Hi Tim how have you been today, how’s everyone been? We bought an annual pass to a family park not far from us and we went up again today to get out and feed animals like goats and llamas it’s nice, just nice to get out. I so feel for you saying you were left alone Tim during that time it’s awful enough without being on your own. Glad you came on here to at least speak to people and not bottle it all up. As you know yourself your mum won’t have left you but it’s not much comfort when you’re all on your own dealing with their funeral arrangements. My mum had planned hers which helped a lot the directors basically took over and just checked in with me and it was a big help so I can’t imagine having to do it all alone. And you’re right the day after is the first day of the rest of your life and everything feels different. It hasn’t taken me long to realise my mum was the only one to ever be kind to me all the time without any arguments or issues, she was just always there and I could tell her anything with no judgements. It’s not to say I don’t have good people in my life but I’m sure as we all know love can be different depending on who it’s with and with a mother it is (usually if you’re lucky) completely unconditional. And I miss that so much. Not to say my dad doesn’t love me but he never says it or expresses it and I will forever miss just being randomly told by my mum she just loves me and everything about me. But I know too that love doesn’t die it’s always there. Trying my best to be positive and make nice memories for my daughter like taking her to that family park today we’re going to start taking her most weekends to get us all out.
Amy x
Well done Amy for taking steps to get yourselves out, it is just what you need and probably give you a new perspective on life, animals so often just destress you and are the perfect tonic, yes, your mother said she loved you unconditionally but I am sure your father does as well, speaking from my own experience I never felt I could confide in my father, he was the justices clark and was at times as outspoken as the late prince Philip but without the
purple language, in fact he hardly ever swore and NEVER used the ‘F’ word, but he was very judgemental, and on one occasion not long before he passed he told me that if he knew the way I would turn out he would have left me, not sure ware he was coming from and from what I have heard from my mothers carers she loved me very much and was immensely grateful for all the things I did for her, I did not love my father and I did not morn his passing, but from what you say to me I am sure your father loves you as much as your mother did, but us men do not always wear our hearts on our sleeve so to speak, and I think you will find that the bond between your father and yourself will grow stronger over the next months, just be patient with your father and yourself, you are both going through a period of huge adjustment and the first months are the hardest and after 10 months I am still adjusting and reinventing myself as I work out how I can make my new life work, your family has lost its matriark, I have news for you Amy, from what you tell me YOU are know that matriark, it takes a lot of adjusting too, but you know have to be the strong one, but you have your work, and your daughter and so still have that purpose in life and that will help to keep you grounded and give you a routine, I hope you are eating again and have stopped feeling sick, for both of us this has been an anus horribilis, but in the words of the late queen we must look to the future with optimism and hope and that will help to pull us through, you come over as having a positive outlook on life and that will help you, a healthy mental attitude is such a good thing to have.
Love and blessings 
Timxx
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Thank you Tim you always know what to say
I am so sorry your father said those things, quite unkind but your mother adored you by the sounds of things and I’m sure she loved you so deeply and would’ve been sad to hear her husband say that to you. Don’t dwell on that please I hope you don’t. My father does love me in his own ways and he too could be disappointed in how I turned out, not enough money to move out or live alone (I did have savings at one point to buy a house and he actually took the phone off me to the person helping me buy the house and told them I’m not interested) after that call he said he is not letting me rush into buying a home, I am staying here and he hopes I stay forever. And that was the end of that I got pregnant quickly after, my mum moved across the road to be closer to me and my baby, and things were rosy for a couple of years.
He tells me no one told him they loved him often growing up and so that is just his way now too. I’ve had to force him to say it before! He will then tell me he does love me but he does not like to say it and I don’t push him further. We have a very good bond and we spend a lot of time together. Today when we went out though he spent most of his day in bed. That worries me as he’s an active person but likes my company to do things, he doesn’t have to say it, it’s apparent that if I go out without him now, he stays in bed. We are going to try and make him come with us next time we visit the family park but it is up to him. Usually if we went out he’d pop over to my mums all day and spend the day with her. He’s lost that company, but tomorrow he is going to see one of his close friends while I am at work which I’m glad to hear, I want him to get out and see people as he is at heart an extremely social butterfly. He is not the type to enjoy a day himself at home! He needs to be out chatting to people and I hope his friend keeps in touch with him, he speaks to him on the phone every day too so he is not completely alone when we go out.
I do try to be positive Tim thanks for noticing I know my mum would want to see me taking my daughter out and enjoying my time with her while she’s little. I know that’s when my mum flourished as a woman, when I was a young child. And I hope she seen that in me too. I was obsessed with becoming a mum and my mum and dad were both over the moon when I told them, I told them first and told my boyfriend a few days later! He was nervous about the idea of having a baby but when I told him he was crying with joy. He didn’t know how he’d feel but when I was pregnant he really became so supportive and now she’s here he can’t believe he had doubts about having one. I am so glad I made my voice heard with him about wanting to be a mum as if I hadn’t she wouldn’t exist. And I need her now more than ever she is definitely my main purpose.
But please don’t let what your father said upset you, as you say men do not wear their heart on their sleeves especially more old fashioned types of men and that’s okay perhaps he wasn’t thinking straight when he said that to you. But regardless you are a wonderful person I can tell you are very kind and caring and those are the best qualities anyone could hope for.
Love and blessings to you too. I’m in work tomorrow but working from home the rest of the week again (Wednesday morning and Friday full day) thankfully, I find work a lot less stressful from home particularly the commute as we have a long drive to drop my daughter in to her grans (my boyfriends step mums) before heading to work and the same on our way back home- adds like another 3 hours into our day!
Amy xxx
Hey Amy sorry for the late reply, my head has been all over the place for the past few days.
You are very good with your words if I do say so.
I have recently been in touch with previous colleagues who have told me that my previous manager has mentioned me wanting to come back and has said that she misses me and would snap me up within a heartbeat as I’m a good worker! (Funny how they realise that after losing a employee)
This has made me contact her asking how I’d reapply to go back and she has said she will speak to me today at some point. If there was no chance of me coming back I’m sure she’d have told me this.
I decided not to turn up today in the new job but I have emailed in sick as I dont know their sickness procedure which I’m sure is their fault again. So many things they are lacking!
I am just waiting for a call back from the doctors and hoping I can get a sick note for the time being and I can use that time to find something else or possibly go back to my previous job although not ideal but anything is better than this mess I’ve gotten myself into.
I am not even bothered if they sack me for going on sick so early, as at the end of the day my health is a stake here and I was thinking about not returning anyway so I just thought I’d try getting ssp so that I’m not left without any money.
I do feel guilty about doing this but they certainly don’t feel guilty with the way they’ve been treating me so why should I care 
I am just so scared I’m going to be without an income until I find something else but I can’t go on like this anymore.
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Good luck Jess, hope it works out for you, Amy has some good advice and has been through the mill a bit,do not feel guilty, events have a way of pushing us into situations that are sometimes not of our own making.
Timxx
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Hello Amy, thankyou for such a lovely email, its grate that your father likes to have you around the house with him and I did not have that with my father and felt compelled to move to Liverpool, I have just been listening to Yesterday by the Beatles on classic FM and it brought it all back to me that is a 13 year story that involved years on the dole, years as a field service engineer travelling every road in Britain to service/ repair printing machines, a year in ireland doing the same, a year as a liverpool driving instructor and a year as a liverpool taxi driver, among other events included was arson and murder in the very house that I lived, a role play situation I was involved with police cadets at Lee green were I forgot my glasses, could not understand what I was trying to read in front off me and misunderstood my role resulting in the abandonment of the training after lunch(they were doing NVQ’s in policing) and
my subsequent arrest supposedly on grounds of racism and the way I put the whole thing to bed by invoking magna carta in front of a solicitor, lets just say I have lived and it beats staring at 4 walls in a bed sit any day. my 13 years in liverpool were at times eventful, better then being boring!!!, one day I will write a book about my Liverpool years.I am glad your father stopped you from buying a house, it was probably a mortgage shark, its all wrong, thousands of people will be homeless this christmas through no fault of there own, they face repossession because they cannot keep up the mortgage repayments
so they loose the house along with often the many thosands of pounds they have paid for it, there was a spell of private individuals registering non trading companies off shore and putting there houses as owned by this offshore company and selling them on a mortgage bases knowing full well the buyer would have to default,they pushed the payments up and up until they did, then evicted them and repossessed the property and did the whole thing over again, by so doing they kept the property and did not have the maintenance responsibility of a landlord, it was a lucrative and perfectly legal way to make money.on the back of the human misery of others and is beyond the pail,
know the banks are doing it and is the reason why my grand mothers house was worth £4500 in 1974 and is £185000 today(we sold it unfortunately) time was when a mortgage was no grate deal as they were generally affordable, certainly not know, avoid having a mortgage at all cost in this uncertain climate, it is a political football.
Please try not to force your father to say he loves you, men find that very uncomfortable, I know its very hard for you with your mother not being around as she was, but I am sure things will get better if you let them, I am concerned that your father is tending to stay in bed more, if this persist and he appears not to be looking after himself then you should ask the doctor to have a look at him, he wont like it and if he blames you tell him to blame me, I did flag this up with you earlier and he may be feeling the ill effects of greaving but it is after all less then 2 months and something you need to keep an eye on, how are you feeling by the way?, I hope you are eating properly, and while at work would it not be possible for your father to look after your littleone?, it would take some strain off you and give him something to focus on when alone in the house, she is after all his grand daughter, it might do them both some good, hope things will improve for you, try not to let your father stay in bed.KBO
Love and blessings 
Timxx
Hi Jess, thank you so much! And don’t feel guilty like you said they’ve not felt guilty over how they’ve treated you. Just put yourself first and it will all fall into place. It’s definitely hopeful they’re going to speak to you more about how to reapply and that your old manager has been saying she misses you! And maybe if you do go back things will be a bit different.
It is a worrying time to be without an income but I can’t see you being without a job for long, the care industry has lots of jobs although I know it’s not direct care you’re used to doing but I don’t think you’ll be out of a job for too long. It might actually be good for you in a way to not have to go in to work, so if you find yourself out of a job for a few weeks or months just try and use it to your advantage as there may not be another time in your life where you get time like this to be away from work. I know it is worrying financially though.
I was in work today in the office and these dark days and nights are just awful. Finished at 4 and it felt like 8 o’clock at night!
Really hopeful the old manager does contact you but if things don’t work out just try and be positive you won’t be out of work forever and it might be some much needed time to just focus on yourself and take some time out of work for a little while
Amy xxx