Best ways to cope with loss of mother

[amyrose92]

Hi Tim are you a Beatles fan? I love them so did my mum and my dad loves them too, he has lots of memorabilia like the below

Yes at least you lived a life and didn’t stay at home all day. I feel sad for alot or people in my generation, many just sit at home staring at laptops or phones all day and have no urgency to live their life or meet up with people. It seems to be becoming the norm, hopefully things change and people start living their lives to the full again. theres much technology these days, I’m starting to feel old myself as I don’t know how to use some of it!
I am sure he’ll be fine but thanks for checking he got out with his friend again today, and you’re right I shouldn’t ask him that, I rarely do but I think after losing my mum I wanted to ask him to say it to make me feel better.
I am doing okay I’m only going into the office on Mondays just now so it’s not so bad. My dad isn’t confident watching her unless I am working from home but he does take her on Fridays for me when I’m working from the house he has her most of the day himself, he just likes knowing if something happened he can come and get me which is fine by me, she likes going to her grans too and it means everyone gets to see her so it’s a win win
Think I’m heading to bed early tonight iv not been sleeping too good.
Night night amy xxx

[Jess1]

It’s my birthday today I’m feeling very low. I think it’s safe to say that the new job broke me !

I’m missing my Mum so much because all I want is a hug from her and for her to tell me that everything is going to be okay :(.

Ended up falling out with my partner earlier because I had some time to think about possibly going back to my previous job and realised that the truth it that I really don’t fancy that either.

After all I was unhappy there and it’s the reason I found myself in something much worse.

My partner doesn’t seem to understand and would rather I was working but I was hoping he’d be willing to support me just until I found something else although I don’t think I’m in a fit state to work right now, I could do with a bit of time to sort my head out.

I do understand why he’d be worried but it’s not like I was willing to be jobless forever and live off him, we have been together 14 years and I’ve worked most of it and the times I wasn’t working I always had my head down looking for work.

I’m completely flabbergasted on what my next move should be but I’m so sick of everything falling apart since my Mum passed.

I just want to be happy to honour her but it’s proving difficult.

[tim007]

Yes Amy I love the beatles and on a course for graduates in Liverpool I regularly went past the cavan club ware the beatles and cilla black (white as she was then) first cut her teeth on the stage when the beetles let her sing along with them, and it is amazing that that tiny place is famous the world over and people come from all over the world just to visit the cavern club, hope your dad is better and you are feeling more yourself and getting proper rest, try not to worry about things, you are not old yet!, you will be when you are us old as I am, try to go on long walks with your dad and stop off at pubs for a bar lunch or something, try and find things you can all do as a family, it will be good for you, had an interesting day, worked the morning on my snug, tried to start my car later to run an errand, battery flat, fixed the battery and was urgently requested to go to Kendal hospital to collect my neighbours daughter who had driven there only to be told that after her operation she could not drive home, I have left my car at the hospital and driven home in hers hoping to get my car back tomorrow night, my good deed for the day, tomorrow I am looking after her dog when she goes to Lancaster hospital, at least it will be company. I await events but it is true what you say, people just tend to close themselves off these days and are rather insula, we were not meant to live like that, but to interact with others and share our ideas, knowledge, friendship and experiences, I think you are in the wrong job Amy, have you considered retraining as a therapist?, you have a way with words, are very thoughtful and caring and definitely a people person, you could work from home doing that.

Love and blessings

Timxx

[amyrose92]

Aw Jess happy birthday!! Although I know you won’t be celebrating just try and take tonight to think of her and think nice thoughts she’s with you. Don’t know if I mentioned my boss was approached at a party recently she told me, and a random woman said you have an old woman by your shoulder think it’s your mum. Is your mum dead? And my boss was like… yeah, the woman said sorry I’m a medium I just see souls and this woman hasn’t left your shoulder all night!
So please please be hopeful your mum is right by your side lovely.
I’m sorry your partner and you had an argument nothing worse on your birthday or when you’re already down too. He’s thinking more realistically which is fair enough but also he needs to be thinking of you and your mental health isn’t doing well right now. If a break from work for a few months (while still searching) is what’s gonna help you, try sit with him again and explain that you’d expect to have found something new within the next few months. But that is also gives u time to just try and feel a little better without pressure of going to a job you hate. Sometimes I find after arguments with my partner, wee while later he ends up agreeing with me. Give him time to think about it as he might sit on it and realise your idea is not a bad one.
All love to you Jess it’s a hard time for you in many ways right now. I do think time out of work altogether would do u some good. And there will always be another job! You need a break and to feel emotionally better without stressing about bad work places
Xxxx

[amyrose92]

Hi Tim. Gosh thank you so much I would love to be a therapist. I used to work in a Chinese acupuncture clinic and did massages for people back head shoulder legs feet, completely untrained should not have been doing it but for ages I planned to start up doing massage therapy as I always got requests from people to do their massages! Although untrained I was a popular choice! I’ve done many jobs as you have read haha and I’ve loved them all even just for the experience you get. As you said life is not meant to be insular we are social creatures it’s natural to want company and connect to other people. And even getting to collect your neighbour interact and watch her dog that’s lovely. I keep in touch with all my neighbours too we have one elderly one and we recently bought him a phone so he could call us if he felt alone or needed a lift somewhere. A little kindness goes a long way and I want to bring my girl up like that too kindness costs nothing.
My dad and mum done that Liverpool tour a couple times too. My dad especially is obsessed with the Beatles he shares same birthday as Paul McCartney. I love them too their music is timeless and will always remind me especially of my dad. He taught me maxwells silver hammer and the actions to dance to it when I was very young I still remember that. And loved yellow submarine and here comes the sun music like that was always playing in our house
I’m glad you’ve had a nice week so far I have too me and my dad got my daughter out today then came home and cooked mince and potatoes together for dinner so we’re always interacting and getting out together on my days off. I work tomorrow til 1pm he takes my daughter out a walk then when I’m finished I take back over. She keeps him going too. And we have many birds in his room he’s always kept them: we have budgies kakarikis canary and cockatiels they keep him busy he likes to sit and watch them to relax.
I think overall we’re doing okay spoke to him today he is dreading new years he always spent it with my mum I will sit up with him and make sure he’s not bringing in the bells alone. And if you are, pop me a message and I will wish you a happy new year Tim. We’re all in this together just need to try and be as hopeful as we can while we’re still here on earth. And I might consider training to be a therapist many of my friends have told me to get into teaching as well. I love my job as it gives me good hours and the people I speak to on the phone I wind up acting as a therapist to them too, had 2 criers yesterday and I calmed them down. Many people get upset about their housing money when there are disputes at the end, and I like making sure they’re not too worried about it. Landlords and tenants both get equally stressed but I find particularly tenants who aren’t too clued up on their rights. So I enjoy my work as it’s nice to help them all and let them know their rights and what they can do to get their money back
But thank you for saying that who knows what the future holds
Amy xxx

[tim007]

Jess, difficalt one this but several things are conflicting in your life, the first was the bereavement and stress of the loss of your mother,to add to this you were already unhappy at work and I suspect you and your partner may have had issues before if you are trapped by those mortgage vulchers(I could call them other things but it would be outrages to public decency and I would be barred from this site) then presumably he expects you (and possibly requires you) to contribute to that. to add to the stress you are still greaving, you hate your new job (have they payed you yet buy the way?) I should say starting a new job is a very stressful undertaking and will have added to your delemer and for you the best way out is probably your old job back and that is probably the lesser of two evals, but I think you need a brake, explain your situation to your doctor, hopefully you can be signed off for a few weeks and you will get something in the meantime, it not just you are grieving, you are very stressed as well and I suspect on top of everything things are not so good with your partner at the moment and from what you say my feeling is he has not experienced what you are experiencing and unless something changes you will be ill or have some sort of breakdown, I was ill when my mother passed, chronic fatigue, hypertension, depression and ptsd, so I have an idea what you must be going through, also try citizens advise and see what they say, but get signed on the sick for know if you can, you are currently in no fit state for work.
keep your pecker up and try to be positive, it is a time for courage and a time for faith.

Timxx

[Laura8]

I definitely agree here you need a break @Jess1 how has it been today ? X

[Jess1]

Hey guys, I’ve been offered my previous job back, although it’s not ideal I’m just going to have to just put up with it ‘tut’ just to keep everyone off my back.

I had an horrible birthday yesterday missing my Mum and I ended up finding myself lying in bed sobbing my heart out early evening.

What finished me off yesterday was the fact that my partners Mum came round and told me off for quitting my job and no matter what I said to her, she point blanked refused to understand my situation.

What’s messed up about it is that she works in mental health yet told me that my finances are more important than my health, make it make sense

I do have one positive though she reckoned my old job wouldn’t take me back and it’s safe to say that she was the first person I told about getting it back lol

I guess I’ll wait till after Christmas now and will look for something more suitable for me but will be more wise about what I’m going for!

Also Amy I second what Tim said about you being good at becoming a counceller you are very good with your words and always know what to say

[tim007]

Hi Jess, at least you have your old job back, you should have told Amy and me what you were thinking of doing,(I see you seconded my recommendation to Amy) I think we would both have advised you NOT to change your job in the middle of a bereavement, taking on a new job with a different company is stressful at the best of times and on top of everything else I think we would have counselled you not to do it, I have been told not to do anything precipitant for 12 months by my medics (that was in March so I have a few months to go) your partners mother sounds like the bit of a Matilda, you are not married to your partner, she is not your mother in law, she is not family, and you have every right to tell her to mind her own business and keep her nose out of your affairs, and if as a mental health nurse she treats her patients like that then God help them, of course your health is more important then your wealth so ware is she coming from?. the issues between you and your partner are for you and your partner and it would not matter even if she was your mother in law. Hopefully know you can start to rebuild your life and move on, for know you need to be tolerant, pragmatic, and not take on any more things then you absolutely have to, do not start anything you do not have too that you cannot put back on the shelf if it doesn’t work out, for you it is know a time for pragmatism and forbearance, sometimes in life we just have to grim and bear it for a bit, you have had a rotten time, as have all of us on this site, do not do anything impulsive for the next 6 months or so, just get through each day for know and you might have to bite your tongue a bit with certain people and your partners mother is probably one of them and I suspect you would like to tear her tongue out.(I am NOT suggesting that you do that!!)
take care and be careful how you go, you have got your old job back, its not ideal, but a move in a positive direction, sadly nothing will bring your mother back and that is the one thing that Amy and myself would love more then anything but it is not going to happen, for that we need to wait for the next life, lets live one life at a time, life is complicated enough.

Love and blessings

Timxx

[Jess1]

I think I felt like I wasn’t getting much support from work with grieving it was like they rushed me to go back. Plus I’ve been unhappy with the job quite a while beforehand.

I did go back on a phased return and on my first day back they told me they wanted me to go back to my normal hours ASAP I couldn’t believe it.

I did have a interview tomorrow so that’s proof I wasn’t after living for free. I did consider going and seeing how I felt about it but the truth is I’m defeated at the minute and the easier option was just to go back to my previous employment with my tail between my legs.

I have to have another dbs check which will probably take a few weeks which is probably a blessing in disguise because it’ll give me time to get my head straight and recover from the job I moved onto. It really did break me you know.

I’m very disappointed that it didn’t work out as I thought having fun with the residents doing activities with them it would help me but it didn’t work out like that.

Another thing when they started forcing the jabs on care staff, my partners mum was all for me quitting my job and she went mad at me for having the jab. I didn’t want to have it personally but I didn’t want to be out of my job.

I’m so sick of people trying to take over my life it’s no wonder I’m so broken. I only hope that there’s indeed something after this life, I just want peace in my heart

[tim007]

I know how you feel Jess, give piece a chance!, it sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place to quote that terrible American expression and you just want your life back,I suspect the second job may have been a little bit misrepresented and it was made out to be more glamorous then it really was and they just wanted a dogs body, well better the devil you know (I am referring to your old job) and I came to hate my job as a field service engineer and was never properly paid for the hours I put in, every company has its good points,even if only the door out of it and it then becomes someone elses toilet.
Hope things work out for you betreen everyone, hopefully you have a chance to pick up the pieces of your life and move on, us we all must.

Tim

[Laura8]

Give peace a chance- another Beatles reference- well John Lennon .
I am also a big Beatles fan !
Hope you are all doing as well as can be . Love to you all @tim007 @amyrose92 @amyrose92

[tim007]

Good evening Amy, your emails always give me a lift, you inspire and bring out the best and clearly have a way with people and that was very apparent to me even in our early emails, clearly you are very hands on and would be good at anything you turned your hand too, teaching would on the face of it suit you, my sister in law is a teacher of young children, she complains about the administration work she has to do and I do not think you would like the staff room politics or the system, sometimes it is the parents who are the problem who demand to know why little johnny/Sussy did not come top in the last spelling or maths test and parents evenings can be a nightmare, you would be probably happier as a private tutor,do not try to be a driving instructor, I did it for a year in Liverpool and every other idiot tailgates anything with an L plate on it like a little puppy on heat!! I was intrigued you have done massage therapy, get qualified you can have your own mobile massage business,much cheaper to operate then business premises and you can literally ‘park it up’ at the end of the day, possibly you could even train as a physiotherapist
and work both privately and for the NHS(they are short off them) so you want to find something that suits you, telling tenants about there rights is grate and I daresay you act as honest broker in disputes between Landlords and tenants, there are plenty of bad landlords and plenty of bad tenants and someware has to be the middle ground, they say rent money is dead money and people would rather be paying for a mortgage, as you know the price of both has gone up and up and the cheapest bedsits are know around £85-£90 a week mark (it was £35 a week when I first moved to Liverpool in 1997) the problem is there is not enough housing, to many people living alone in large bungalows(guilty as charged your honour!) and I have considered letting my mothers old room complete with on suit and if it was someone I knew I would do it, I am reluctant to take a total stranger living alone as I do, first I must sort the house out, her room became a general dumping ground when we moved her into a hospital bed in the lounge and it has remained so.I have much to do around the house.its amazing about your boss and her mother standing next to her and only the medium could see her, ask your boss if she got her name so you can go and see her, its the words on my mothers ashes casket, 'Those we ,love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day, unseen unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed, and very dear. and genurin mediums can not only see them but receive messages from them as well, the soul does not perish, but goes on to eternity, only the body dies,I am sure your mother is with you know and my mother is with me.and because of our interactions, when the time comes, we will meet in the next life.
it sounds like you are landing on your feet, interested to know your father is a bird man, quite a menagerie by the sound of it,yes, the new year is bound to be emotional both for him and for you, i must say last christmas my mother was not aware it was christmas day, she passed 11 days later, the best thing is keep your dad company and talk to him, I hope he has stopped taking to his bed during the day,my niece has a number of pets and i am going down to see her with my sis in law on christmas day, she has invited me for dinner, had a long conversation on the phone with her tonight which was good,
Love and blessings Amy

Timxx

[amyrose92]

Hi Tim
Thank you so much and I’m sorry your mum didn’t realise it was Christmas on her last one but at least you were there with her that’s what matters most of all. My dad has always loved birds he said as a young boy he would catch a bird or two and keep them in his room for a few days to watch them fly! Then release them. Said he’s always been fascinated with birds and I suppose back then when he was young and yourself there wasn’t much on television or too many toys and yous found your own ways to amuse yourselves!
I would definitely consider doing something else with my life in future career wise but not right now I am very happy actually doing the housing work, and yes you’re right there are as many bad landlords as there are tenants and I would actually advise you do not consider being a landlord even one that is a live in landlord, it is too risky. It is difficult to evict someone nowadays if you changed your mind. So I would steer clear. If we inherent property from my boyfriends side of the family I think we would sell as I’ve advised him renting is not a good game to get into. Some people are lucky and have great experiences but too many people become landlords through inheritance and are out of their depth when it comes to problem tenants. What I do most of the time is help them log into their accounts, or advise them what the deposit can or cannot be used towards when they leave, give them advice etc. I enjoy it because I know what I’m doing too and it’s nice to help people out. Plus as I’ve said the hours suit me my company are very accommodating not just to me but to us all they realise we’re all people not just employees which is rare nowadays too. Many of them do uni or college courses too and are allowed to change their hours to fit their studies in which I think is wonderful they also put us through any training we want to do I used to do the bank statements and I was put on account courses and excel training courses because I asked, they’re very good that way and I’ve been told in future if I increase my hours I may be able to do something a bit different in the company again. Right now with my hours all they can give me is telephone and email enquiries when I used to do so much more, but I completely understand that I’m not doing enough hours currently to do anything else. Plus for myself me and my partner have discussed that when I’m maybe 50 or 55 I will stop working to enjoy an early retirement as we have this house mortgage free, if I save my pennies away I should be able to do something like that and he can cut down to part time hours then. I don’t want to be working til I’m 68 or 70 and that’s the way the working world is headed.
Your messages always cheer me up too and I am so grateful I made that first post on here and have managed to connect with such lovely people.
I have not read more of Lisa Williams book yet but I am planning to this evening. Last night my daughter was up til 9 so after that I got myself to bed. Just depends on how early we get her down for her bed what we can do with our evenings.
Hope you’re having a nice day I’ve been out today for her tots class and for a wander afterwards spending rest of the day at home with her as it is so cold.
Amy xxx

[amyrose92]

Thanks Laura I hope you are doing well too absolutely love the Beatles they’re the best

[amyrose92]

Hi Jess
I am so sorry to read that your partners mother said those things to you; she sounds a bit toxic. Sorry to say that but it’s nothing to do with her. I know it can be hard to stand up for yourself but if she tries to discuss your employment again I think you should tell her that it’s your business and you’re not wanting to discuss it with her, easier said than done though.
I am happy for you that the old job took you back I know it’s not perfect but it’s a step away from the last job which is better as Tim said better the devil you know! And by no means do you have to work there forever. It’s just for the meantime I always tell myself that when I’m having a hard time it too shall pass. And you will find something more suited to you it might not be for another few months or year but try keep in your head the job is just a means to an end and you just try and keep it out of your mind whilst you’re not in there. Again easier said than done especially if you’re not enjoying the job. It is a better place for you to be right now than in that new job.
Maybe a chat with your partner about how you’re feeling and that you don’t want people asking you about your employment or passing judgment right now. Yous have been together 14 years I think you said? Many people take breaks from work, one of my friends boyfriends stopped working for I think 6 months when his old job shut down; they’d just had their baby and she supported him through that! It works both ways and now he’s working again and she’s taking some time away from work as her dad has become ill. I think Tim is right in saying he’s maybe not experienced a loss like you before? So he maybe doesn’t understand how heavy it is weighing upon you. I hope he manages to support whatever decision you make. If you’ve been together that long there’s clearly love and he will hopefully support whatever you decide to do if you decide in the next few months to take a break from work altogether he’d hopefully be supportive of that choice.
Amy xxx

[amyrose92]

Also I’m sorry you didn’t have a great birthday
She shouldn’t be telling you off that’s bang out of order, what does your partner make of that?
It’s a bit rubbish too that she was certain your old job wouldn’t take you back. Even if she did think that why say it? I think if it were me I’d have said to her it’s a bit rich you work in mental health and are completely disregarding mine… I’m sorry you have that type of person in your life. Remember your mum is with you even though you can’t see or hear her try and remember she’s still with you all the time. And I think I’d be avoiding his mum as much as possible! Have you spoken to your partner about how his mum speaks to you? If my dad spoke to my boyfriend like that after he lost someone I’d be mortified and tell him to reel it in.
She said your financies are more important than your mental health but I’d hazard a guess she meant her sons finances are more important than your metal health. Which they’re not your mental health comes first; we’re no good at work if we’re not mentally well are we? So don’t let her comments hurt you it sounds to me she doesn’t want her son supporting you when it is nothing to do with her
I hope the old job is not too bad Jess and like you said you can take a look in the new year for other positions or perhaps be written off for a while next year if you feel you need it
Amy xxx

[tim007]

Hi Amy, thanks for the landlord advise and yes, your age group will probably NOT get a state pension until 68 at least, for me it is 66 so I still have best part of 3 years to go (those nasty little tories who would like to see us all work until we drop while they live it up on the back of the rest of us) I used to vote Tory but not for Boris who had a reputation as a liar and there is no way I will vote for a liar, that, in my eyes is a sin, and his behaviour during the pandemic was well,that is for God to judge, just saying I think we lost a lot of people needlessly, the real heroes were the doctors and nurses who put there lives on the line to help others and some paid the ultimate price and with out there efforts many more lives would have been lost, I put them up there with ‘the few’ of fighter command in 1940. set a routine for your daughter, she must learn to accept a certain time is bed time,you need this so you can have a brake and love her as you do you need to have certain hours to yourself for your own welfare as well as hers, its wonderful that you are bringing her up to be kind, she must also be taught to be assertive when she needs to be, so many people for some peculiar reason take kindness as a sign of weakness, I have never figured out why but I suppose it comes down to them thinking they can take advantage of someone, sadly the world is full of those people who are often bullies and think they can ride rough shod over everyone else. how did your father catch birds, did he use a net?, illegal know, but I am sure Noel Fitzpatrick, the supervet from ireland did so as a boy, is your dad interested in aircraft?, R.G. Mitchel, the spitfire designer of Supermarine used to spend hours studying birds in flight, recent research has developed drawns that fly like insects, it has been found there rings are some 3 times more efficient then are fixed ring creations,so light aircraft may soon be built that literally flap there rings and we shall for the first time truly fly like the birds. I think you are with an excellent company that cares for its people, that is ware these days with the americanisation of the workplace and if you are happy with your work then that is a very good reason for not leaving, they say if you are happy at work then you are happy in life, yes, nothing will bring back your mother, but you are so lucky in many ways, you love and are loved and that is precious Amy and you have much to be positive about knocking off as soon as you can is also a good idea so you can enjoy the rest of your years, you might want to travel and see the world, I have been to Holland, Switserland, Russia, Ireland, Denmark and Norway, ‘There is something rotten in the state of Denmark’ to quote Shakespeare, we were charged £2.50 for a bottle of drinking water at dinner that was there on the table, also the dinuing room was mostly lit by candals, the renewable energy not being quite up to the job and needing assistance from candle light, in the 21st centaury, get Greta Thunberg to peddle harder on that exercise bicycle she powers her laptop with (like a hamster on its wheel)
with that hileraty I shall call it a night.
Love and blessings
Timxx

[Jess1]

She’s not always like that we do get on most of the time. So it got to me a bit more than it should have. She has always been very opinionated mind.

Lol I was definitely thinking of what I should have said after she had gone

She also has another son living with her in his 20s who’s never had a job and is doing nothing with his life not even studying. Stays in his bedroom playing games all day everyday. I could have said does he intend on getting a job

I wish I could believe that my mum is with me but it is hard keeping the faith when so many things are going wrong in life!

I am not looking forward to going back because I find it quite embarrassing and I know I left for a reason but what choice do I have :(.

Near the beginning I could feel my mums presence but I can’t anymore and I wonder if the shock from it all was causing hallucinations or something.

[tim007]

well said Amy, I’ll second that, you put it much more diplomatically then I do