Hi Jess, hope you are having a better weekend and thankyou for the advice, I think I shall try the vitamin B complex, I did not know it was a happy pill, I have benarners for magnesium(apparently a supper fruit) valerian root sounds interesting and I might give it a go,feels very cold ware I am just know even though the pc says 13 centigrade, maybe my mothers spirit in the room is chilling the place!!,she is looking down at me from her photograph above her ashes, I have noticed sometimes the lounge feels like a fridge, even with the new thermal insulation(creepy!!!) and I suspect her spirit is draining the heat. I hope your work is not too demanding and that your colleagues were respectful, it is very difficult for you and Amy at the moment in that while greaving you have to hold down a job, and I feel for both of you, people tend to grow up when they have gone through what we have gone through, and are still going through on this site, it does change ones perspective and suddenly we know what matters in life, and that non of us can take anything for granted any more because for all of us, something has ended and our lives have changed, we have had no say in it, and there is no going back, we have all suffered grate loss and we have all loved what we have lost and we would not be on this site if it were not so, and we have all done our best, so no need to feel guilt, no self recrimination, as I have said, life throws curb balls at us and yes, as Sue Anderson puts it in her book ‘Climbing out of depression’ we have to crawl towards the light and up the cliff face,
and climb out. its a case of KBO, hoping you are having a good weekend.
Hi Tim , I am glad your sister in law is coming over tonight and you are feeling a little better .
I am still very much in heavy grief but I’m
Trying my best it does help to go to my Dad’s allotment. He would be so proud of me ! Its exercise and healing at the same time .
About the anti depressants- I took some about 2 years ago not for some other reason but as @Jess1 says I got side effects . I took them for anxiety and they did help . I was on them for 4 months and didn’t get hooked at all …
I came off them really easily and they did ease my anxiety . I wouldn’t rule out trying them again if I needed them although doctors seem to
Hand them out like sweeties . I know so many people on them … so have a think .
They may work for you but they take a
Few weeks to work and can make
You worse before you are better . You probably know all this already so I apologise .
Hope you’re evening goes well
Xxx
I would just say with anti depressants make sure they put you on a low dosage @tim007 i was on them around 10 years ago my mum had breast cancer (she was fine back then the nhs dealt with her brilliantly) anyway it did mess me up I thought I was losing her then and I got put on one I can’t remember the name but I had to be taken off them as I felt like a zombie and very numb I didn’t feel myself. If one doesn’t work though they may try you on another one so don’t give up if the first one has negative side effects. I didn’t try another as my mum ended up getting better and I just felt relief x
Thank you I agree it’s nice to talk to others who are going through it and know how you feel and it makes you feel less alone in your feelings. Talk soon
Amy x
Amy, how are you today and thankyou for your kind words and for having the time for an old codger like me,yes I have been through a particularly bad patch, like you, I am still greaving my mother and that was compounded with depression and ptsd, the three have not come together before and I need to see that does not happen again, Jesse suggested I try some vitamin B compound so I have ordered some and will also enquire about antidepressants next week and get out more as well, isolation can be a killer and I should be keeping myself busy. The words chosen for your mother sound very apt from what you say she was a very reserved and dignified lady and I am sure she was proud of you, Dylan Thomas was a grate poet and wrote wonderful poetry, I hope she is with you in spirit and she would certainly approve, you will have her grave close buy that you can visit, I have my mothers ashes in a casket in her lounge, and we have our memories and are forming new ones in the ebb and flow of daily life, and in carrying on as best we can we our honouring our mothers, Is the robin still around?, I think the locket idea is a lovely one, pick a photo showing your mum at her best as you would like to remember her, take your time in that, it will be with you for the rest of your life. I have 3 locks of hair from my mother(I have given one to her grand daughter) the other 2 are for me and her sis in law who came for dinner tonight, she enjoys her food, but has lost weight since the death of her husband(my twin) who ate for 3, my sis in law ended up at one stage looking like a walking dumpling!!, she DID NOT look like then when they married 20 years ago and my mother blamed my brother for it, at the time of his wedding we hired a mini bus and I drove all the way back from Church Stretton, only 3 people in that minibus know alive, all the others gone, it was the last huware for both families for which we all got together, history know and very yesterday,‘yesterday came suddenly’ by John Lennon has such poignant meaning, so much truth in those words, they were the musical equivalent of Shakespeare, and like Shakespeare, they will never be dated, because there songs were about peoples aspirations, tragedies and the very grittiness of lives, I shall take your advise and try to get out more and tomorrow morning I will go to Church, God bless you Amy, enjoy the rest of your weekend and go out for coffee with your dad if it is fine.
Take care
Hi Laura, thankyou so much for your advice, your photographs of your dads allotment look wonderful and he would be so proud off you, and it reminds me I have a strimmer to repair so I can start tidying the garden for winter, it is a lovely idea to put a message on a tree for your father and I hope that brings you a feeling of piece and that his spirit is with you, at christmas in 2009 my mother, me, my brother and wife spent christmas with the mother in law, we went to candle mass at midnight and I sensed my fathers presence among us, I did not say anything to the others for fear of being ridiculed and perhaps I should have done, I can often sense these things being slightly clairvoyant(the number of times I have second guessed when the phone is going to ring!!) just me and my sis in law left know, all the others in the after life, one day Laura it will be us and we will be reunited with them, until then, we have to struggle on and make the best of it, and grieving is a learning process like everything else in life, I thought I was through the worst but depression and ptsd came together last week and I had two very tough days and that has not happened before, I hope you are feeling better, hold on to the good memories and you are doing a grate job on that allotment, my father had one during the war, he used to grow produce and sell it in his spare time, he was a young man then but classed as unfit for active service(he was given a letter to that effect) he had been very sick as a child and no antibiotics in those days, he had had a difficult birth and his older sister(my anti May who died in 2000) blamed him for her early death which was most unfair,I was breached and was a twin, my birth was difficult too as was my mothers who was also breached, she lived till 95 so not bad as regards her age, but her end was unpleasant for all concerned and basically I had to cope with her alone, that gave me my ptsd and is my price for loving her, but I have no regrets, her last wish was to pass away at home and with the help of others I was able to grant her that wish, even at considerable cost to myself. I hope things improve for you and your pain eases, the grief ball in the box gets smaller with time, but as I found last week, things can come together and catch you out, I should have followed my own advice and taken some paracetamol but I was not thinking straight and would have done if I had been, the mind can play tricks on us, enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Hi Tasha, thankyou for a lovely reply, may Im suggest try some paracetamol if you feel down, it will not cure the grief but it will ease the pain of grief(and it really can be painful, I was put straight under a mental health nurse who was seeing me before my mother passed, he came to see me on the day of her death, I realised she was dying from my own clinical knowledge and did not want to leave her side so I had to send him away that day, she passed at 20:10 hours that night, the worst day of my life and I am yet to process that, it is too painful, you have been through the meat grinder of life as well, we are all in this together and you are not alone and I hope you find the books useful that I have reccomended and you have the support of loved ones, my sis in ,law came for dinner tonight and that cheered me up and tomorrow I go to church so that will be company, I hope for you the weight of your loss is lifting and you will see the light, I thought I was through the worst then last week flung a bouncer at me that I had not expected, had I been thinking straight I would have taken paracetamol, the mind plays tricks on us and it can be dangerous,
but I have complications with depression and ptsd and I need to be aware of that, hope you are having a good weekend.
Definitely agree beatles music will never be dated it will still be listened to for many generations to come. I love their happy music but yesterday is beautiful too.
I’ve been ok today went to visit two of my aunts took them family photo albums primarily of them so they have their memories, my mum took alot of photos and I thought it would be nice to hand over albums which included my aunts and their families younger they were both pleased.
Relationships can for sure impact peoples weight when we’re happier we tend to eat more well I do, when I’m sad I have no appetite. Probably what is happening to your sis in law. Hope she is looking after herself. Spousal loss is reportedly the most difficult, not that others aren’t I’ve just read loss of spouse is generally hardest to cope with. I hope she is okay.
I’ve not seen my wee Robin in a while but iv not been outdoors much these past few days working from home then visiting peoples homes hopefully I see it again when I get out a walk tomorrow.
Also try Kalms they might have valerian root in them I’m not sure but I take them and they help a little.
And I’ll always have time so will everyone else on here don’t feel like you can’t talk about your struggles it’s better to let us and others in your life know how you’re coping do not keep it bottled up. I hope gp can help you next week.
That’s nice you kept locks of her hair what a beautiful thing to do I wish I’d thought of that. I love my fingerprint necklace I got which has her handwriting on it too. Just ways to remember and feel close to them still. Remember believe they’re just through another door waiting for us, someday we’ll walk through that door and be back in their arms. We just have to be strong for now, not forever. Please take care of yourself you’ve had such a positive effect on everyone on this message board I know we all look forward to hearing from you. And im sure your sis in law cares more then you know you’re one of her last ties to her husband. I can imagine if I lost my partner id find comfort in seeing his family. Although I hate to think of ever losing him. Life is just one loss after another especially at a certain age like yourself Tim you will have also possibly had many friends go too. It can be hard to find joy when you’re just experiencing so much loss and heartbreak. Definitely try the anti depression medication they can work wonders on some people and they are worth a try.
When my dad finally goes I told him my plan for their head stones as it is my gran (his mum) my mum then eventually him (not for a long time) he got a teapot at the top of her stone and the lyrics ‘all you need is tea, tea is all you need’ as she was never without a cup. My mum was a massive fan of The Who and my dad a Beatles fan so I’ve said I’ll add a who target and a yellow submarine along with the teapot to a big stone for all three of them, and have the three designs at the top. He likes that idea and on his part I’ve to write ‘please don’t wake me no don’t shake me leave me where I am I’m only sleeping’
It’s sad discussing these things with my dad but as sad as it all is, someday it will be my daughter dealing with my loss, we’ll be reunited with our lost ones and the circle of grief and life continues. We’re still here for now and need to try and make the most of this life and make our lost ones proud so when we do meet again we have alot to catch up on and to live a life they’d be proud of.
Stay strong
Amy x
Hi Amy, thankyou for such kind thoughts and words, I love the idea of the yellow submarine and the narrative you have chosen and I think its a corker!,by discussing it know with your dad you are making it easier later, its not sad, its a good idea. its so good your mother took so many photographs(like my father did), I think better of him know then when he was alive, and it is thanks to him I do not have to worry about the roof over my head, I just have regrets and partly because
of that I was determined, no matter what the cost not to let my mother down, I also did genuinely love her, the two of us having been mistaken by shop workers and hotel staff as a couple on more then one occasion and I would make prince Philip style jokes about it minus the purple langrage along the lines off ‘so you have met my wife?, or is it my mother?, you know I can not remember if I have misplaced my wife or my mother?, I suppose I had better go and look for her’(bit like a mad sketch in faulty towers) and the number of times I have whisaled the signature tune of that comedy in hotels is too many times to mention!! much to our amusement and there embarrassment!!, when on form I have a wicked sense of humor. but never malishas or meaning harm. and yes, in the normal course of events you will outlive your daughter, and she will then have to pick up the mantle and wear your crown, and SHE ,will be the matriark, we are going through part of the ebb and flow of the cycle of life and painful as it is, it has been part of every generation, and it is the same for each and every one of us with out exception and if it were not so, the king would not be king.
sis in law seems happy enough but lost first her husband and then her mother in the space of 4 months, so it has been rather crushing for her really, with work commitments and the fact she was working as a teacher AND coping with her husbands illness at the same time must have been draining on her. she was not there at the moment of his death but his daughter(my Niece) was, she found it very hard and was found wondering around the hospital, she claims she sore his sole leave the body(inherited some of my clairvoyance probably) and she says she has had paranormal interactions but does not want to discuss them, fair enough, not everyone does!.Hope Robin is ok and you go out with your dad and daughter for coffee today, I intend to go to church but the weather looks inclement, was hoping to do some shopping today but will do it tomorrow when I go to my solicitor to sign some papers(probate) that’s another long story, the file has been handed on after the first solicitor botched it by not understanding the details of my late mothers will incurring cost, I have made it clear I expect it to be knocked off my bill, I am paying for a professional service and I expect a professional service as would my dear mother, we were both chips of the old block, my mother grew up during the war and I have inherited her values.
Bless you Amy for your kindness and spirit and to your immediate family, enjoy your Sunday.
Thanks Tim i am not particularly religious but I like the idea of midnight mass .
Maybe I’ll go .
Do you have a big garden that you will be tidying for winter ? It sounds like you are very good at fixing things as well . That must be satisfying.
I have done a lot of work at Dads allotment so there isn’t as much to do until spring . It makes me sad as I liked going but I will still go each week - even to take a flask and do small jobs .
I am glad you are feeling a little better too.
I guess we will have these ups and downs for long time. I like to think as you say we will be reunited with our loved ones .
Take care
Laura
Thanks Laura, and all you lovely people, I made a supreme effort today at Amy’s prodding and I got myself to church (not quite as much as Chloe Brennon trying and failing to lift the diddy stones having lifted them trise before, sorry meant Dinney(power of ADVERSE SUGGESTION, she read somewhere that she might not be able to lift them again and believed it, pound for pound she is probably the strongest person on the planet, man or woman, but she believed what she read and it became a self fulfilling prophecy, that is why I never use social media, it is full of people putting there tupany bit in about things they know nothing about, and sometimes mallichasly)
Thinking of the late grate Ken Dodd and the diddy men, he was worth a laugh or two and you always got your moneys worth and went home in the light, on one occasion the manager flung the theatre keys on stage and told him to lock up when finished, the audience thought it was part of the act and loved it,
I met a couple at church and it appears they have a clock that needs fixing and will bring it round to me so I can repair it in my clock room(used to be the third bedroom) so thanks to Amy it was probably worth going and as you said Amy, you never know who you will meet, thanks for that.
Tacking my dads strimmer apart and ordering a new strimmer head, with a 200 watt motor I am certainly not throwing it out, if I cannot get it to work as a strimmer will use the motor for something else, possibly an oscillating vertical hacksaw machine
Have a good sunday afternoon everyone, salt mines in the morning for us all.
Hi Tim that’s great I’m glad you got out and met the couple with the clock it’s so true you never know who you’ll meet when you go out. I managed to get a lie in today which was great and just took my daughter a walk and tidied the house it was a nice way to spend a Sunday. I am sure they will knock that amount off your bill but definitely make sure that happens. Thanks it makes me sad thinking one day they’ll all be in the same place together with that headstone but it’s reality. And at least they’ll all be together. Exactly it’s happened to everyone before us and will happen to everyone after us too no one escapes loss or death. Still feels unbearable but definitely a small comfort to know that it’s something everyone has or will experience at some point.
Going to try read more of the Lisa Williams book tomorrow if it’s a quiet day I feel I’ve had no time for anything lately. It’s been over 8 weeks since my mum passed now and it still feels like it only happened yesterday but also a lifetime ago because I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the fact that she’s not here. It is mind boggling how we wake up one day and it’s our last sunrise. And no one knows which day that will be. Life feels so short sometimes but I think for all of us now it’s more pronounced and will feel longer with the absence of our mum or dad. As they say time flies when you’re having fun but the opposite too it can drag on longer when you’re unhappy.
Hope you had a nice weekend and a good week ahead it’s definitely the wet cold weather here in Scotland now so I am not looking forward to being up early tomorrow morning for work but hopefully it is a quick day, and I’m only in tomorrow which is good.
Amy xxx
Well done going to church Tim .
Today my Mum asked my husband to replace a couple of the chandelier bulbs in her light as a few have blown since Dad has gone . He had re-positioned the light so it didn’t glare right into my face and as my husband was messing about with it the television turned on by itself … never happened before it was odd …
the remote control was no where near us !!
Xxx
Hi Amy, thankyou for such a nice message and thanks for telling me to get out of the house, went for a walk after dark hear down to the railway station and met a very friendly Tabby cat, its a good omen, my mother loved cats and had one all her life until she married and we spent some minutes in each others company it snuggling up to my wellington boots and purring contentedly, when I have sorted out the house I shall get a cat, this one was very sociable and people friendly and really wanted my company and I could have taken it home, but it was certainly NOT wild and will belong to a very caring owner who has socialised it very well.I am not sure how time will seem know my primary family has gone, unlike living in Liverpool I can no longer go home to see mum and dad and take them out for coffee at the weekend, and my life, as yours, has truly changed and not the way we wanted it, I shall take to bed tonight after sending this Amy, I feel tired tonight, solicitors office in the morning and get some coco and chips, fix a strimmer, check my emails and sort out the kitchen a bit I think, not to ambitious tomorrow(I never feel my best on a Monday)make a jp appointment, do some metal work for a clock repair, that’s about it, still miss my mum like she passed yesterday, but if I didn’t then I didn’t love her and 8 weeks is nothing Amy and I was still ill 8 weeks on and I was ill last week(I almost topped myself) I have been taking the parasetamol since, it does not stop the greaving, or depression, or ptsd, but it eases the pain to the point I can live with it, for know my happy life is over and I think of the old cat in cats singing ‘Once I knew what happiness was’, I know it is the same for you, you loved your mum too or you would not be on this site, and all of us hear have lost someone special too us, I remind myself to be thankful she was there for me for so long, and like the king, we have to say our farewells for know, bear our souls and move on and rebuild our lives, as you say, we do not know when we shall see our last sun rise or sunset, reminds me of my ex boss getting an office unit in America so he could say the sun never sets on his ‘empire’, I remarked quite out of the carryon films ‘no, and it will never rise either’ not to popular for a bit after that and I never feel comfortable with a coupret ideology, as I said, I have a wicked sense of humour.
Bless you, hope you all have a good evening and a quiet day tomorrow.
Laura, do not be alarmed, this happens more then people think, your dad probably turned on the tv, there is nothing to worry about, and in my case my twin brother was working an infrared light(and hitting it to make it stay on!)in my bedroom the night after he passed and a close friend of his got a similar experience 50 miles away the same night, pissed me of for a few moments at the time, I thought he was going to brake it, but I am delighted he did it know and it convinced me that we carry on after this life and we take our memories and knowledge with us (he knew how to work the sodded light) your dad has connected with you, all is well and one day you will be back with him, meantime we make the best of what we have in this life.
Bless you Laura, don’t have nightmares.
I won’t Tim , I’m comforted by it . I just wanted to check you also thought that was what it was. .I also thought it was Dad saying to stop Messing with his lights .
About a week after he died I opened a bottle of his wine and the two glasses I was holding smashed in my
hand . I put it down to me being so very tense bit it was very odd it was like they exploded . I’ve never been so much of believer but these things seem odd .
Hope you have a good day and a productive one . I love the idea of you getting a cat I have a cat called Meg and she gives me great comfort xx . Uploading: 7657112F-238C-44B6-B5B5-CCF1CBAFF1FE.jpeg…
That’s brilliant Tim I hope you do get a cat as I said I plan to get one or two when I am older also they’re lovely pets and great company. It will not be the same as having your family around but in time your pets become your family and you have a reason to get up in the morning, best believe your cat will paw you out of bed to get its breakfast! It reminds me of the show After Life, I loved it it is very sad a man loses his wife to cancer and pretty much the only reason he gets up and does anything is he still has their dog. The end is beautiful too I won’t spoil it incase you do decide to watch it.
An evening walk is lovely we took my daughter out about 4 today she was itching to get out we were not but I was glad we went it tired her out too.
I also don’t like Mondays they’re not my favourite day but I chose Monday and Fridays to work all day as they’re the ones bank holidays fall on so I always get extra days off in April May and august and when that happens I feel like I’m off for a week as I don’t work the Tuesday or Thursday and I only do 3 hours on a Wednesday which is practically nothing my dad takes my daughter out a walk makes her some toast then I am done!
I try my best to find happiness in small things as I feel you do too. A walk, a coffee, I treat myself to a coffee every Monday morning so my train ride into the city doesn’t feel so bad! I know in time we will still miss our mothers however I also know we will be finding happiness again even for some moments. And I’d like to say im so happy you decided not to harm yourself. Please contact gp tomorrow or sometime next week and consider anti depressants I hope it would help and if you’re on them long term it is not such a bad thing, many people are on them long term for the benefit outweighs the negatives. I’m not sure if I mentioned as I was quite embarrassed actually but my gp put me on sleep medication for a few weeks after my mum passed and he advised I only take them if and when I need them, I still have many left over so I didn’t use them all and it helped me to sleep. It really helped me and if you’re struggling at night it might help. Other things help too though I also bought Nytol and they help me sleep. But I try not to take anything most nights as I don’t want to become dependent on anything. As I’ve said many times though nights are the worst for me I tend to cope a bit better during the day as I am kept busy but at night i can’t help but miss her she’d text me most nights after I stopped living with her, and I lived with her til I was 28 so being not long turned 31 when she passed I spent most of my life living with her. It is hard to process and part of me says I don’t have to process it completely as it hurts too much, choosing to believe she is right next to me always. As I hope you believe to with your mother.
Hope you get a good sleep and tomorrow is a nice day for you. I will be in work but will pop on after. Monday is such a rush in the morning and we’re not home til nearer 6 o’clock and in weather like this it feels like later and my daughter just wants home to eat and go to sleep. It is like a 12 hour shift as we get up at 6am. I miss my daughter a lot when I am in work but glad I went back as it gives me something else to focus on and I’ll likely work there until such time I decide I’ve had enough. Also miss my mum in work as I spent any day I was in when she was sick calling on my lunch break to speak to her or get an update and can’t do that anymore. Life is definitely full of lessons this one by far the toughest and I’ve had some other sore lessons but my mum was always there to comfort me through it.
Talk later
Amy xxx
Hey guys sorry not been on much just thought I’d let you all know about my time at the development circle yesterday.
My other halves Grandad came through to me and I actually felt him it’s hard to explain really.
We had to bring through loved ones personalities and I got someone’s grandma and everything I was saying was bob on, very odd.
At first I couldn’t make out who my partner got through for me as it wasn’t fitting any of my loved ones descriptions and the tutor told me it was someone for my partner because she kept hearing them shouting his name.
Well I kid you not once I realised everything that had been said I said it will be his grandad and I got this current of energy run through my body and I just knew he was there and could feel his energy.
Later on I asked the tutor why I haven’t heard from my mum in a while or felt her presence and asked if she was still around me and she told me she would be and that she’ll be making it less obvious in order to help me move forward which makes sense but it’s dam hard to move on I just miss her so much!
Hi Jess
That is wonderful that you did connect though! And what they said makes sense I think the same with my mum, they might not be communicating too much yet and just wanting to allow us time to grieve and move forward a bit first. I have no doubt she’ll be around you though. My cousin has been reading into things and told me she read it can take a few months before souls are ready to make contact. Sorry to anyone on here who doesn’t believe and I respect everyone has different beliefs but my daughter saying goodbye gran to my mum 20 mins after her passing pretty much confirmed to me that she got a visit and that anything is possible. I hope you keep going Jess and connect to your mum soon
My daughters been laughing and looking around the room sometimes but when I ask who is there she looks at me all confused and when I said is it gran she says yeah, but she says yeah to many things. I do think they’ll still be around us though if they have the option to do so. My mums always said she’ll never leave me and I just have to believe that as I hope you can too
Amy xxx
and to live a life they’d be proud of.
