Beautiful photo Jess 
sorry I didn’t reply earlier I ended up heading home early as wasn’t feeling good emotionally and have been sleeping a lot today. I might share a photo at some point for memories as well right now thinking makes me feel worse. I I am able to think of her and smile sometimes too but today and yesterday I’ve been really torn up I’m going to call my gp in the morning and I don’t know whether to sign off work for a week or so til I feel a bit better again.
Just not in a great headspace overall today.
Hope you’re okay speak later
amy xxx
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Aw thanks Amy and I know what you’s mean too about feeling like they’re on holiday I thought the same myself today and said to myself ‘you’re really not coming back are you’ because it does still feel like they should, maybe our minds playing tricks on us, I guess it’s difficult to conceive that someone you’ve known your entire life suddenly won’t be present in it anymore 
I’m taking myself off to bed to watch some tv and hopefully try to fall asleep again.
Night x
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Oh also I was off 5 weeks but considering maybe another week or two, or longer I don’t know I think I went back a little early. It’s different for everyone some people go back earlier to keep up a routine and be busy others need more time away.
Whatever you do and however long you take will be right for you
Amy xxx
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Yes we probably still hold onto hope that one day they’ll walk right back through the door to us. Sometimes that feels nice, no matter how impossible.
Night night sleep well. Xxx
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Hi Laura, sounds very strange your glasses shattering in your hands, you either have a dinney stone grip or it was your dad, If Iget a cat I will call it jean after my mother, I hope it will be as people friendly as my happy encounter was, dremped last night of my mother, this time it was a dream because I did not remember she had passed like the earlier one, only when I woke up and it was not a good dream,. I wanted to do something by myself and mum wanted us to do something together(go to Kendal for some unearthly reason) what ever, I did all the driving for the years we were together with out dad and every Sunday morning we always had to tare up to Windermere to the Christian Science church at mad speed(why not Grange methodist I do not know, but apparently my grand mother was very much into it,if a spiritualist church was near I would go to that. but Lisa Williams, the international clairvoyant and medium says it is not a good idea to always contact those in the after life because it hinders there progress, if they come through to us by them selves then that is there chose and is another matter, she makes a point of not seeing the same client with in 6 months and to keep pestering them does them no favors, ok with desertion, but DON’T TAKE LIBERTIES with the after life, always treat these things with respect.
Worked on my snug today and its coming on, cut a bolt thread for a machine, signed papers at the lawyers and bought chips and worked on clocks. basically been my day, hope your day has been a good one and things are improving, you pray for me, I will pray for you.take care.
Timxx
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Laura, theres a happy pussy!!!, grate picture.
Tim
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Hello Amy, I lost my mother on the 5th of January after a long drawn out battle with dementia, she died in my arms in the end and we were alone in the house, there was no one to hold my hand and us her heart stopped and she past the room felt cold and it felt as if I was utterly alone and utterly forsaken in the world and in a moment, my life changed forever, I lost my twin brother to brain cancer on 4th September 2021 (the day my mother last left the house prier to her death, she went to have her hair cut) so I have seen a lot of death and all my immediate family are gone, and I know ware you are coming from and the first days and weeks are very raw and sad, but at least you have the company of others around you, I had no one to help me make arrangements and it was down to me and having cared for my mother at home I Know had to deal with undertakers, lawyers, utilities, etc on my own, Amy, I know you are hurting, and I have been through the meat grinder of caring for a long time on my own of a loved one, the greaving afterwards, it damaged my health, I have depression, ptsd and hypertension and last week I had a rough couple of days and almost ended it.
Try tacking some paracetamol, it wont stop the greaving, but it will ease the pain of the greaving and help to make things bearable, after 5 days consult a doctor, I almost gave up when my mother died and just stade in my sleeping bag in a freezing cold house and I would have gone had I not been found, I have no panacea for you, in the words of the late Queen mother, grief is the price we pay for love, I still miss my mother as much as the day she passed, you never get over a bereathment, you just get used to it, let me recommend 2 books to you ‘You are not alone’ by Gillian Lloyd. founder of grief cast, and ‘Climbing out of depression’ by Sue Atkinson, both are excellent books and I commend them.
Try not to tell your friends ware to go, they only mean well, and you will have dark days ahead, it is a time for courage, forbearance and faith, try to accept there kindness with grace and with humility, I am sure you have done your very best for your mother, so no self recrimination, no shame, no anger, it is NOT your fault that your mother has passed, and all of us on this site completely understand your sense of hopelessness and loss, because we are there ourselves, or have been there,
You have the funeral to face, I went for direct cremation and return of the ashes and put them in a casket and used it at her funeral in April when others could join for the funeral, I did not want to drag people from a long distance in early January and I was in no state to deal with it then, I was clinically ill. I have kept the ashes and they form the centre of a wall memorial to my immediate family.there is a beautiful photograph of my mother over the casket, that, is how I will remember her, taken at her silver wedding celebration
You are in my prayers Amy, may God give you strength and guidance for the days ahead.
Timxx
Hi Jess, lovely picture of your mum bless her and bless you, I will have to load up a picture of my mum and put it out for you, she looks a very deep thinking lady, it will have been a grate loss to you as my mothers passing was a grate loss to me, they are both at peace know and moved on to the after life, in the fullness of time we will be reunited with them.
Sweet dreams Jess, I hope work is ok, bless you.
Timxx
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Morning Tim
Thank you for the message; it resonated with me a lot
Firstly I’m so sorry about your losses and turbulent time, I can only imagine how hard it has been for you to cope with on your own. I’m sure that your Mother is so proud of all that you’ve survived and done in wake of her passing, and all that she would want is for you to strive to be happy in her absence, however impossible that may feel.
Both dementia and cancer are harrowing illnesses and having watched my Mom deteriorate and slowly die from her cancer, I understand the horror of what you have probably witnessed, and am truly sorry that you had to go through that. I also cared for my Mom and it is one of the hardest things I think I’ve ever had to do. Caring for the person that has always cared for you is so harrowing in ways. We feel so desperate to be able to help our loved ones, knowing that there is nothing we can do, is the hardest thing to accept and I think effects you in ways you didn’t expect (I feel a lot of guilt and have done for a long time whilst my Mom was ill as always felt like I should be doing or should have done more to help her get better.)
Having a twin must have been such a unique experience, I do always wonder what it must be like to have a twin, something I know I will never experience in my life! What a special bond you must share, were you identical?
Im glad you’ve seen the drs, have you sought out any counselling or therapy? I have had therapy for many years and it has helped me tremendously to cope and process so much hurt trauma and pain - I dread to think where I would be without having had good counselling.
I love a good self help book so I will definitely seek them out! Thank you
As for my friends you told me exactly what I need to hear. You are right I should accept their support with grace and love. I think I have been hurting so much and in so much pain I had hardened to love from others, which I know is not what my Mom would want for me. It is time for courage and I must have this and faith that things will improve and continue as they should.
Thank you for keeping me in prayer, I will keep you in mine.
Amy x
Hello Tim hope you’re well.
Thank you she was, as I am to but I obviously get it from somewhere lol
I haven’t started back at the old job just yet as I’m just waiting for my dbs to go through. I’m making the most of my time off to be honest although I’m scared to spend any money!
Someone else who left my previous job to go to the same place as me has been messaging me today asking about how I applied to go back to the previous employer.
Said she absolutely hates it there and it’s causing problems with her mental health. Well at least I know that it wasn’t just me now and it proves to the people that thought I was overeacting that I actually wasn’t!
Hi all
Hope everyone has had a good day
Does anyone have any experience of survivor guilt? I am finding I feel very uncomfortable with the fact that I am still alive, whilst my Mom is dead.
I feel as though if she is dead then I should be too, why should I live and carry on like nothings happened while she is no longer in the world or breathing?
I’m not sure if the circumstances of her death being traumatic and young have influenced this,
Be good to hear if anyone else felt this way.
Amy x
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I have came to realise that everyone who grieves feel the same way. I often think I want to be with my Mum because nothing makes any sense anymore and everything seems pointless.
But I’m certain our mums wouldn’t like us feeling this way so I try and think about that when I have these thoughts but I also feel guilty when I manage a smile it’s hard to explain but I’m sure you’ll understand where I am coming from.
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Yeah I totally understand and feel exactly the same
It’s comforting that you say you’ve come to find all grievers feel the same way - it’s so strange when you’ve ever heard anyone say these things before…And suddenly you’re experiencing them first hand for the first time thinking what is wrong with me??
I feel similarly like even watching tv or laughing feels so self indulgent and selfish. How can I be happy when my mom has lost her life?
You’re right though our Mums would be horrified if they knew we felt this way, my mom wanted nothing more but for me to have a wonderful life after she’s gone, but somehow it doesn’t feel right xxxx
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Well we all grieve differently but I meant that most tend to feel like that from time to time, it’s torture.
I know what you mean by nothing feels right. I definitely feel lost in life now and also feel a completely different person who doesnt know who they are anymore.
I say that when my Mum passed, part of me died that day a lot!
Hi Amy
Hope you’re okay today. I don’t know if I have survivor guilt, but I do feel guilty for enjoying things. Like you said even watching tv and laughing I find myself thinking it’s not right, or my mum would have loved this. I sometimes choose to tell myself she’s watching things with me. Do you believe in that sort of thing, that your mum is still around? I really do and I find it comforting when I am struggling. I have been struggling alot past few days I would say some days over the last 8 weeks I’ve felt reasonably okay, and I was shocked I have been really low the last few days. My boss has been through it so thankfully understands and told me it’s normal to just have really bad days again when you’ve been starting to feel a bit better about things
I don’t think things will feel right or good for a long time we just need to take things one day at a time. Some days you won’t feel as down and others you will feel it all again as if it’s just happened but remember you’re not alone it feels that way as it’s a very personal experience but also universal there’s a small bit of comfort in knowing we’re not the only ones to feel this way
Hope you are ok today, are you American? Sorry to ask I just think you wrote mom with an O, I am from Scotland x
Amy xxx
Hello Amy, you are obviously a lovely lady who has suffered grate misfortune and troma, and to have cared for your mother, to the very best of your abilities, is something to be proud of and to value, you did your best, on this site we have all done our best, and no, we could not have saved our loved ones in the final analysis, very often, towards the end all you can do is hold there hand and be there and watch for signs of discomfort and if necessary take steps to step up the palliative care to ease suffering, towards the end as my mother chose to die at home she was in a hospital bed in the lounge and I was basically for most of the time left in charge of her liquid paracetamol, and laterly a driven syringe and basically responsible for seeing that her palliative care was working and up to scratch, and I did have the level stepped up towards the end because I know what a dementia death is, it is the death of christ, you drown in your own fluids exactly as in a crucifixion, (I am not going into the clinical ins and outs hear, this is not the time or place for such gruesome clinical analysis) and I have minimal medical training(lever 3 first aid at work) but am a trained lab technician and that helped, the first syringe unit was faulty and I had it changed, for the last 10 days or so I sat up with her day and night holding her hand and yes, I really did walk with her through the valley of the shadow of death all the way to the very gates of heaven, that changes you, I am not then same person as I was before I went through this process, and it will have changed you Amy, you come out of it more responsible and mature, your sence of humanity is greater and you realise what is important in life and you understand there are so many things more important then the next episode of the chase and trivia like that (educational program as it is) you will be wiser for what you have been through, and with time and gods grace, will recover from this ordeal, you will know more about life and about yourself, and will be stronger for it too,you are still in your early 30’s, for you the sun has not yet reached its zenith, you may well have 60 or more years ahead of you, one day we will all be reunited, for know, the best way to honour your mother is to make a success of your life, cancer is a horrible thing and at 14 I watch my grand mother die from it in hospital and experienced things no 14 year old should, but when my mother was 14 she was working and a qualified commercial secretary(they got on with things during the war, they had to, they were the greatest generation)you can hold your head hi Amy, nothing will bring your mother back, but I am sure that you stuck it out, and unless you decide to lift the Dinnie stones or something as extreme as that, that is the hardest thing you are ever likely to be called on to do, it is a meatgrinder, physically, mentally and emotionally and I struggled alone with my mother for a very long time and I was clinically ill at the end with hypertension, depression and ptsd, going to my mental health nurse week on Thursday, it sucks, probably need antidepressants, already had some counselling, last week had 2 bad days and was in a very dark place but better know, reach for the paracetamol if you need it,
it will not cure your greaving, but it will ease the pain of greaving, you pray for me and I’ll pray for you, bless you Ame.
Timxx
Amy my love, you must not think like this, this is NOT HEALTHY!!,you have nothing to feel guilty about and your mother would want you to live a fulfilled and happy life, she has died in body(but not in soul and spirit) and you are still living as is the norm, we are born, we live, we die, and the generation after us takes precedence, you are know the president generation, your mother is your immediate ancestor, that is the way it is and if it were not the king would not be king, you have nothing to feel guilty about, it is the natural order of things.
Bless you.
Timxx
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Hiu Jess, life sucks when you are low on cash and I have been there and curled up in a sleeping bag to save on light and heating,does your boyfriend work or is he living off you?, from what you say not very sympathetic, sounds like someone else fallen for the trap and wants to know how to climb out of the pit, my impression is the job is so bad that they cannot fill it, misrepresentation comes to mind and if that is the case then there may be cause to apply to an industrial tribunal, if every applicant is unhappy with the job then there IS a problem with the job and you should get together and consider a class action, possibly for stress and mental anguish in the work place, some jobs you know are stressful, like the emergency services, military etc, but you are aware of that when you sign up and suitable equipment/training and support is usually provided, there are no conscripts in the forces or emergency services if there is 2 or 3 of you then I would say your chances are 50/50, try to find a third person who was in your situation and go to citizens advise together and see what they say.
take care
Timxx
You’re so right Tim, as sad as this all is, it’s natural. It’s the only thing we can all count on.
When I was in work yesterday don’t know if I said on here I left early I couldn’t bare to be around anyone anymore I just wanted to go home, well that morning I went to a cafe for some breakfast before work and there was a huge sign saying
‘Don’t take life too seriously, no one makes it out alive’
And I was so shocked, what a strange messsge to have in a cafe. Strange but true, maybe set me off a bit though as my day just went downhill after that!
I’m more just feeling quite empty just now its always in my mind. You’re right though she is around in her own way I need to hold onto that thought.
Amy xxx
Hey Tim my partner has worked full time ever since I met him and he’s always supported me to work part time. He actually prefers it that way. He has been sympathetic with everything but obviously it caused a lot of worry for him with me walking out of work but he did understand how I was feeling about it though.
In fact he did blame himself at one point because he encouraged me to go to the new place but I’ve told him it was mostly my doing.
I cannot fault him as without him I don’t know what I’d do, he’s been my absolute rock, when I spoke of him last time it was due to my mind going insane with all the stress I was under.
I swore I could smell my mum earlier it made me stop in my tracks and without questioning I said “hey mum”.
As for the job I did consider going somewhere for some advice because how I felt there was just not normal in the slightest but with grieving and going through so much I don’t think I have any fight left in me so I think I’m just better off getting paid next week and forgetting it ever happened.
The plan is to get back into my previous employment and really think about what it is I’d actually like doing and will look more into it next year as too much is going on right now. Also it would look bad for them accepting me back and me leaving so soon once I’ve got my foot in the door I doubt they’d be less forgiving next time lol
I’ll definitely be more wise about it in future as I’ll be honest I had a bad feeling about the new place before I even stepped foot in there and I should have trusted my intuition and I’ll never doubt it again that’s for sure!