Hello Tim , I’ve just seen you live in Grange over Sands.
I had a holiday there once in my in laws caravan and I have never seen rain like it and it was a complete washout . In fact the awning was flooded .
I love the Lake District and been to Windermere on family camping trips and with my husband to Conniston and Ambleside . You are lucky to live in such a lovely area .
How are you doing ? I’m feeling very flat at the moment xx
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Hi Laura, sorry you are feeling so flat, prehaps you need a pick me up or something or it could be your bereavement or the weather, try a hot cup of tea or a glass of wine with a chocolate biscuit, do you feel stressed or depressed?, if it persist, parastomal can help but see a doctor if symptoms continue, you can feel flat for a full range of reasons ranging from general tiredness, quonick fateage, depression, series illness, but in your case it is probably bereavement stress (sorry to sound like Doc Martin)
take care
Timxx
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Jess, there is an important life lesson, ALWAYS listen to your intuition, it will never let you down#
Take care.
Timxx
@tim007 i know this sounds crazy but your last message was exactly what my Mom would tell me! It is the correct order of things, this is the nature of this life, I needed a reminder of that - thank you for giving me some perspective I needed! Thank you for saying I have nothing to feel guilty about. I have always felt guilt about many things in my life (recurring issue I battle in my day to day life!) so it seems this subject is no different and I am looking for ways to punish myself. My mom would say the same as you - it’s NOT HEALTHY! And I need to stop.
I can relate a lot to your traumatic experience Tim and am so sorry for what your Mum, Grandmother, Brother faced, life is so cruel at times, and yourself witnessing it all is one of the most heartbreaking things any human must experience I feel. Our loved ones are the most precious thing in the world to us, and seeing them in pain and suffering is truly horrific. Sometimes I wonder if it was a good thing that my Moms cancer advanced so quickly (although horrific to watch her dying) she deteriorated so fast that she didn’t know much about her impending death and that is at least some comfort, as when she was diagnosed she was so anxious and frightened, it was awful. She had suffered for many months (since June) with constant horrendous pain and sickness and weight loss that the life had been drained from such a vibrant and beautiful lady, it was so so sad.
I do hope you’re right and this experience teaches me valuable lessons about life and creates a stronger person. I hope one day I can have my own children and pass on my Moms strength, and my own learned strength, to raise them. I suppose supporting others is the point in this group too which I can see would be very rewarding if it means one ounce of your pain helps another feel less alone in theirs.
@amyrose92 I am not American I’m actually from the West Midlands and we all say Mom here! Haha, my mother was Mom to me so it feels unnatural to type Mum though I know everyone else probably uses it. Cool that you’re from Scotland, love it there.
You’re right grief is so deeply personal yet universal, I guess as we’re this age most of our friends haven’t fortunately yet experienced such a major loss so sometimes I feel like I’m the only one. I have a sister which is a great support as we are experiencing it together and can chat and share emotions.
I will try to take each day as you are, you’re right there is no straight road- the rollercoaster continues.
You and Tim both referenced about dying in body but not in soul and spirit, I am definitely a believer in a life after this one and always have been; however I think since my Mom passed I have been wary of my beliefs as I’m scared of giving myself false comfort or hope that I’ll meet her again. I have already had some strange signs since even before/the moment of her passing so do have some direct experience but I’m reserving judgment until things calm down unless I am playing tricks on myself. I so so hope she is still there somewhere watching me, I do feel her presence but like we said it’s as though she’s literally still here. Or on holiday, so not sure if that’s more denial! I love all of your sign stories though so please do share if you have any more!
I got myself to church on Sunday as the vicar read out my Moms name and there were prayers for both her and me personally which was lovely, I have a personal faith which is helpful to lean on also in times of such despair and chaos.
It is strange how these experiences change you as I have always feared death but now I feel I have no fear as if there is even a slight chance I may see her again I will be ecstatic the day I get the chance.
Hope you all had an OK day today.
I haven’t felt as emotional today I think I’ve shut down a bit as trying to make funeral arrangements I feel a bit of a robot/autopilot? Did anyone else struggle with feeling numb and not being able to cry? That’s unnerving me at the moment. I know all the intense feelings are in there still, they’re just hiding/lost.
Thanks again for listening and for all the lovely replies.
Feel free to call me AmyC so that me and original Amy don’t get mixed up! Haha
Night night
AmyC xxx
(P.s. sorry for the ridiculously long post! Promise I’ll keep them shorter next time)
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Hi @AmyCarter just want to say everything you’re feeling … yes all normal .
( We’ve ) I’ve felt all of it and pretty sure these guys have too it’s such a roller coaster and it’s such early days for you . Remember we are here to help you through it as best we can xxx
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@AmyCarter im still struggling massively . It’s been 4 months since my Dad left here . The last time I spoke to him he was so happy . The next day I was with him as he died. Not sure how you get over this . Much love xx
Thank you 
it means so much in such desperate times
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Oh Laura that’s awful, I can’t imagine the shock. I felt and still feel horrific shock at my Moms death and I had a small amount of forewarning.
I do think we all yearn for answers to “why?” Though we know that we will never know the answer; in this life anyway.
It is very early days for us and I think time will be a big player in healing from this type of trauma.
Of course we will miss them forever, that will never change xxxx
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I think I’ll go for the wine today Tim …and a biscuit x
He was so so peaceful and I was with him I take comfort in that. This is just horrific whichever way you look at it I think .
I saw this . I think it will be true … one day…
I’m still just a massive ball of grief to be honest and haven’t grown round it xx
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You are a lovely lady who has been through terrible adversity, sadness, stress, mental torment and loss, and you will have done your very best for your mother and to hold it together and as a carer for your mother you have been through the meat grinder, for that is what it is, and will probably be the hardest thing you will ever be called upon to do, and having held my mothers hand for days and nights on end, and walked with her through the valley of death to the very gates of heaven, I know what you will have gone through, do not feel guilty, hold your head, for you have done a noble and courageous thing, and yes, it takes physical and mental guts to stick it out day after day, night after night, and not knowing for how long you may have to continue, and yes, it is a war of attrition, and it does test you like nothing has tested you before, there was nothing you could do to keep your mother alive and feel no guilt, you did your best in a desperate situation, and the experience for a time will mark you, but with gods grace you will come through it a changed person, you will be more mature, tolerant and wiser, and realise what matters in life, that is people and are humanity to each other, with out that we are little more then savages not fit to roam the earth(who said that in the movies?, but its true) DO NOT feel guilt over serviving your mother, honour her memory by making a success of your life, by being a good mother to any children you may have, and by keeping your head, and holding true to her values while her soul watches over you and walks with you in life, do not wish your life away, go forth into the light and sease the day, be proud of what you have acheived,I am sure you will have met your mothers need.
God bless you and protect you Amy, you are in my prayers.
Timxx
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AmyC, (good idea) I am glad I have been able to give you some perspective, regarding the funeral, are you arranging it yourself or is someone helping you?, (I had to do EVERYTHING when my mother passed so opted for direct cremation,return of ashes and funeral later in year when I was well enough to cope with it(more or less conducted my mothers funeral myself with an injured foot just out of hospital with cellulitis, that’s another story, sis in law very supportive on day of funeral and came to help me set up the table with ashes casket and phgotograths, I was fairly well organised, just misplaced a poem I intended my Niece to read(bother!!) apart for that it went amazingly well and my eulogy to my mother was praised and well received, it included a nod to Ukraine and a dig at the danger from Putin, but my mother grew up during the war under threat from Hitler, world history at both her birth and death politically very similar, so it was relevant.
Peace be with you AmyC
Timxx
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Hi Laura I’m not too bad today but I am going to collect sertraline today and start taking it I hope it will help. Drs said to give it a month at least and he hopes it will help how I’m feeling. I’m feeling a bit more positive today though I think I’m just struggling in work as we’re very quiet right now, which I normally enjoy but it means sitting about all day surrounded by people and having time to overthink. Trying to remind myself I have a lot to live for and alot to look forward to and just trying to keep positive thoughts
How are you today x
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Hi AmyC or yous can call me amyrose whatever works 
Hope you’re feeling okay today. Yes for the first while after my mum died I felt very numb like on auto pilot and felt guilty about that. I don’t think life feels like reality for a while after such a huge loss. But it is very normal to feel numb. Then that will subside and you’ll feel all the emotions again, then maybe numb again: I think the brain shuts down a bit goes into shock to try and protect you.
You’re thinking of your mum going quickly and not having too much time to know what was happening is a nice way to think of things, she didn’t live for years in the knowledge that she was getting sick. It’s still tragic though and I’m glad you have your sister to lean on.
That’s great you believe in a life after this too so I hope you can hold onto the thought that your mum is still with you and when it’s our turns to go well see our mums waiting on the other side, I can’t imagine my mum wanting to go anywhere else while I’m still here. I believe it too because where were we before? They say energy can’t be created or die so our energy must have been somewhere before this and must go somewhere else when our bodies give up.
Hope you’re okay today speak soon
Amy Rose xxx
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Hey I was on that for quite a while and it did work I must admit. I advise you to get some anti sickness medication because the side effects can be pretty gruesome. I’m not trying to put you off though just advising you
I nearly went back on them once but decided I wanted to try something different and they prescribed me prozac and they were completely awful and made me feel so much worse so had to come off them.
I am contemplating going back on sertraline because like I say they worked for me at the time but because I had been on them for a few years I just decided to come off them and the withdrawal was pretty tough, I just wish that I never came off them now but I wasn’t to know that this year would be so full of bereavement. First we lost my partners Grandad and then my Mum.
I must admit since I started taking magnesium and B complex I have felt a positive difference in my mood although not massive but I don’t seem to wake up in a panic as much since.
I’m going to keep going and see how it goes before I make the decision to go back on sertraline. I will say though what made me dislike them was that they made me completely numb. My auntie passed with cancer a few years back and whilst I felt all the sadness within me I could not get it out of me.
They did make me more calmer though, lol I’m rambling on again and not making much sense so I do apologise x
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Hi all,
What a day i am having panicked attacks feeling very angry, not myself at all. Why does grief do this and its been nearly 9 months without my mum thought i be in better place. Must be my low day. Hope everyone else is having a better day than me.
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Also meant to say with your friends they just won’t understand as they haven’t been through it that’s okay, at least they’re trying. And one day they will experience it it won’t miss them unfortunately. I’m somewhat fortunate I know a couple of people who’ve been through this at a similar age to me, one is older now but happened when they were my age. So I’ve had some people around me to ask questions to and talk to. But your friends can only imagine how you’re feeling and it’s a difficult thing to try imagine and people don’t really know what to say. But at least you have nice friends who care about you that’s the main thing, keep a supportive circle around you.
Amy Rose x
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Hi Tasha I was a bit like that Monday felt I couldn’t be around anyone just couldn’t stop crying needed to be alone. Try get some time to yourself if you can and even try and get a sleep that’s what I did
Amy Rose xx
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I’m almost at 9 months myself, why do we feel the need to count it though, it adds more distress but I guess that’s how our brain works. We can’t help that unfortunately.
I still have days where I can’t believe that this is real it’s mental! I often get reminders to and it sets me off all over again.
Definitely one of the most hardest times of my life and I wouldn’t wish this on my worse enemy!
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