I really hope your day improved and the panic attacks buggered off! Awful things x
tasha, you may be having what I am having and last week I was in a very dark place with depression and ptsd, are you on antidepressants or getting counselling?, its just that some times these things manifest themselves months later, did you go through a lot of troma over your mother towards the end and find yourself caring for her and being there 24 hours for days on end?, most people in the war did not go through that, that can cause stress, depression, ptsd, hypertension(I have that too) sleep disorders etc, all the other ‘lovely’ things you do not want that can be brought on by what is in effect battle field stress and wreck your life, take some parasetomal, it will not cure, but it will ease the pain and help you get a balance, give yourself time, 9 months is nothiung, they say the grief ball shrinks with time but it dosent, we just grow around it, loosing a loved one is like loosing your liberty, only there is no parol in this life and no time off for good behavier, we have to wait till the next life before we can join our loved ones again(some very highly qualified people have done research into the after life, they all come to basically the same conclusion)
takecare
Timxx
1 Like
Hi Jess, I know you are still hurting and in the photograth your mother looks a lovely lady, you will have done your best for her and I know nothing I say can ease your missing your mother as we all miss our mothers and it is the most distressing thing that has ever happened to us and the worst day in our lives, and to begin with I was counting the days, but at about 100 I stopped counting, I just did, numbers are my thing but after around 100 days I just switched off to it, when you feel really miserable take some parasetamol, it wont cure youyr greaving, but it will for a time make it bearable, I wish I could bring all our mothers back but that is impossible, we have to just share our experiances, bear our souls and move on, and even together that is painful and I miss my mother every day as you do and we all do, you are in my prayers Jess, bless you and stay safe, hope work goes ok.
Timxx
1 Like
Hi Amy.
Hope you have had a good day and your immediate family are ok. 
what a bazar thing in a public place!, ‘Don’t take life too seriously, no one makes it out alive’ was it referring to the people in the cafe, was the coffee really that bad?, I can understand for you it must have been shocking, even offensive, they have no regard for the sociological trauma that can cause. 
There will be times when you just want to hide away from everyone like when you left work early and that is a natural part of the greaving process and the workplace can be such an unforgiving place ware you can be under the unwelcomed and intrusive gauze of everyone, you are still in a high state of anxiety
and should avoid stress if you can, travelling by train can be very stressful, particularly if you cannot get a seat and are packed in like sardines in a tin.
Greaving makes you tired, it uses a very large amount of mental energy and will at times leave you drained and sleep is the best remedy for that, eight weeks is nothing Amy and I know how I was feeling when I was doing my first aid course 10 weeks to the day she passed and the Enablers(the dummies we use to practice CPR on) reminded me of my mum and looked creepily like her,I found it most upsetting but managed not to show it.
Did you get my reply the other day and is Mr Robin still around?, you said your daughter wanted too go out but you did not, do you have an enclosed area outside ware she can wonder safely around her wendy house with out needing constant supervision?, that would be good for you and her.
Wonder if my pc was playing up last night, it appeared to do strange things like fling emails around(perhaps it was me)
Keep going and hope things get better, greaving IS hard work and makes everything else harder because we are more tired, take some parastomal if you need it.
God bless you and keep you Amy.
Timxx
What is coffee like on the train?, I like mine sweet and piping hot.
Got an appointment with my mental health nurse next Thursday, picked up some medication, borrowed another book from my clairvoyant customer ‘Walking with the dead’ by Lisa Williams and collected a clock for repair from same, returned a repaired clock to a customer on way home, spent some hours doing jobs around the house and still not stripped down a strimmer(a nother day) went for a walk, had dinner, know pc correspondence then bed.
1 Like
That’s good it may calm your whole
System . I’ve taken it before a couple
Of years ago . I hope it helps . I’ve been ok but still the sadness . It’s very intense and I just can’t believe it’s happened a lot of the time .
Love Laura x
Jess, the reason it helps to talk to others in similer situations is you realise you are NOT alone, and a problem shared is a problem halved, we are all in this together.
Bless you and have a good night.
Timxx
Hi Tim
Thank you for asking I had an okay day today did you? I worked my short shift from home and it was very quiet which was a relief as I wasn’t in the mood today 
I’ve been reading some lovely poems and if you don’t mind I’ll post one at the end of my message.
I have no idea why they had that sign up! Very strange, and I think it did shock me and set me off. My office area is not too bad we have private rooms we can go into and I did that in the morning, but I got a particularly odd caller, who was telling me her woes whilst also being hysterical and quite mean (which isn’t common in my work the calls tend to be straightforward and pleasant) anyway I ended up crying on the call and my boss said it was okay for me to take the rest of the day off. She was really understanding as she has also lost her mum which is awful, but she is a similar age to me and it is nice to know she can relate to what I am going through.
But as I’ve said time and again I like my work and would like to just keep trying to go in, I don’t think they’d mind if I took a bit more time off but I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it further on if I am still struggling.
After work today we just chilled at home I wasn’t up for going out. My dad took my daughter a walk and to the library while I was working so they had a nice morning. I took my daughter on a play date yesterday too so that was a nice day out.
I’ve not seen my Robin since my walk that day. But I’ve not been out too much. I’ll be out tomorrow and will try and spot him.
I really need to start reading the Lisa Williams book you recommended again I’ve got no oomph to do anything even read. I like reading too and I use my kindle I just haven’t got the energy but I will soon. I might have a read after I finish this as I can’t get myself to sleep yet and reading usually helps.
I don’t have a huge garden and the Wendy house not built yet my boyfriend will do it when he is off over Christmas it is currently sat around the side of our house in the box still he wants to build it and hide it for her to see at Christmas. But once he does that we can certainly play more in the garden. It’s quite small though as there is a downstairs extension that really ate into the garden we had. But still room for the Wendy house and her sandpit. We have a park nearby and woodland too but there’s a busy road between and again it’s getting the oomph and energy to want to go out! Usually I do but this week I’ve just not been feeling like myself. I’ve started an anti depressant medication today, so hoping within the next few weeks or month I will start to feel a little more positive. I think the weather too doesn’t help it’s so dark and cold and the swings and slides in parks are usually soaked, have to take an old tea towel to wipe them down first. But I’ll get out tomorrow I take her to a toddler class tomorrow and that means I’ll have to get up and ready to go out so I’ll likely go out again once it’s done.
You’re right train travel can be stressful especially this time of year when trains often get cancelled then you’re worried you won’t even make it in. Luckily can do the job from home so if that happens I’ll be able to make my way back home to work instead.
Hope you have a nice night here is the poem I liked there are a few more if you want me to post them:
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
1 Like
This is the Wendy house we’ve got her I can’t wait to see her face when she sees it
Just trying to be positive and realise that I have a good life still, I’ve got a lovely wee girl who I get to watch grow up and will have a beautiful bond with for the rest of my life. And my mum was thrilled I had her and I am so grateful they got to meet. We have some teddies from my mums place, my mum kept teddies out for my daughter and she’s been playing with them saying gran, so she still remembers they were her grans 
Here is the Wendy house!
1 Like
Sorry I didn’t reply to everything in one message! I don’t get coffee on the train I get a hot chocolate or chai latte once I get off the train, I always get one to treat myself
Hope your appt with mental health nurse goes well I’m glad you made the appt
Amy xx
Hi Jess
Really, that makes sense I’ve had a bit of a sore stomach tonight and couldn’t work out why! I just started it today but I will get some anti sickness medicine thanks for the tip, I definitely will keep taking it for a while and see how I get on. I think my dad and boyfriend are a bit wary of me taking them because they don’t tend to take any medications but they’re still supportive of me. I think they realised when I got sent home from work earlier in the week maybe it wasn’t the worst idea for me to take them after all, so my dad went and collected them for me today.
I understand what you mean about numbness I was on an anti depressant once before my mum had breast cancer when I was around 20/21, within a few months they had done the op removed it all and she was absolutely fine. But I got really down while it was all happening my mum was great through it though really strong for me never seemed worried but I knew she was. But I remember walking into university one day feeling like a zombie and I stopped taking them that day as I didn’t like that feeling. So if sertraline makes me feel that way I doubt I’ll be on them long. I don’t remember which one I was on before it was too long ago.
I’ve heard magnesium is so important I’m going to order some when I’m paid next week. I take omega 3 and a multi vitamin but will get magnesium.
I’ll let yous know how I get on with sertraline might be useful for anyone else reading on here.
You weren’t to know this would all happen but if you think it will help it might be something to consider. I don’t want to be on them forever maybe a year or two if they work for me, I’ve to give them at least 4 weeks before I make any decisions about stopping as dr said first few weeks it’s just starting to work.
Take care speak soon
Amy xxx
1 Like
Hey everyone I’ll reply to your messages properly in the morning, I just don’t want you to think I’m being ignorant lol I’ve not been on here till now and I’m about to go to sleep. Night x
1 Like
I know my mum is waiting for me. I’m living for the day I join her
I like that poem , very comforting, I’ve heard it previously it’s lovely, Have you heard any of Donna Ashworths poems ?
Steven, DO NOT wish your life away, but go forth into the light and sease the day, honour your mum by macking a success of your life, not throw it away, I went through a very dark patch last week and I know keep the paracetamol close to hand.
take care.
Tim
That’s fine Amy, you mention University?, my degree is in electronics and communications, what is yours in please?.
Little treats are important, they give us something to look forward to and a lift and help brake up the day.
Take what ever helps you as long as it is legal and safe to get through the day, there will be days when you will find it hard to cope and just want a hug from your mum, then remember her spirit is walking with you and guiding you, she is know your main spirit guide, always listen to your intuition, it is your spirit guides guiding you and they will never let you down, have faith in yourself
and your abilities, my impression is you would be good at anything you put your mind to.
Today has been a better day, have got some jobs finished but still plenty to do, spoke to my Niece on the phone for half an hour, my grate Nephew has been very ill with covid and has series breathing problems but ok know, my Niece had to take him to Wigan A&E at 5 o’clock this morning.
Still greaving for my mum as are you, christmas is know in the shops, I am spending christmas day with my sis in law, Niece and children so that should be ok, sadly non of us can have our mums, I suggest at midnight christmas eve we pray for each other and for our recently departed, those who have no faith, and I respect that, pray for yourselves.
Timxx
1 Like
Amy, I think your wendy house is fantastic and will give yoiu all much pleasure and brighten your days, your mum would be proud of you, its grate that she collected tedy bears and your daughter clearly knows they were grans, so amazingly bright and intelligent(probably like you) and as you say, you still have a good life and it is so good that she has formed those memories of your mother.God bless both of you.
Timxx
Bless you Laura, I hope the wine and biscuit helped and you feel better today, reach out and chap if you want to.
Timxx
1 Like
Thanks Tim and for the support as always . We all seem to be having a rough time lately . For me it is Christmas and triggering so many memories of what I could be doing instead of what I am going through.
Love to you all. Thanks for the prayers also 
xx
Remember Laura, a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved, in collectively greaving we are united and support each other .
#Bless you and wishing you a restfull night.
Timxx
1 Like
Hi Tim
Thank you for your message. I can’t sleep tonight just having one of those nights. My mother was the same a total night owl she stayed up alot at night time. I’m day 2 on my anti depressant though and I know they don’t kick in to start working right away but I already feel a little less sad today. Maybe it’s a placebo effect for now.
If they work I’ll be glad to keep taking them for a while.
My degree was in social sciences. I loved it but never had a career goal in my mind I just wanted to study something I liked.
Totally agree I look forward to small treats too like a coffee or cake or a nice bath just small ways to be kind to ourselves.
That’s good you spoke to your niece today and are having Christmas with them. And I will be thinking of all of you this Christmas too it will be very tough.
Thank you I can’t wait til she can get out and play in the Wendy house. I had an odd thing happen today I took my daughter upstairs to play and I showed her my teddy bear and was telling her his name and that I’d had him since I was a baby and the light went out for a bit then back on and my daughter couldn’t stop laughing at the corner of the room hopefully my mum was there saying ‘I bought you that!’
Going to try get some sleep I just can’t switch off tonight at all.
X