Best ways to cope with loss of mother

[tim007]

Hi Amy, so sorry to hear of your problems and there is no easy solution, if the antidepressants make you ill the doctor should advise you to stop tacking them and if they are causing you pain and discomfort it is not the correct one for you, would you like me to ask my Niece what she has?.

Unfortunately your Monday experience will have knocked you back a bit,prehaps your firm should keep you off the phones for know and give you only email and clerical work instead, light duties if you pardon the pun were you are not directly dealing with angry people on the phone, that is not good for anyone, in your situation and fragile state it should be avoided for know and you should not have been placed in that situation, at least with an email they are not directly in your ear or face with it and you can disconnect, to some extent(proberbly large) you are suffering from depression, stress, and possibly ptsd, I dont know what you sore regarding your mothers death, were you her principle carer for some time?, did you have long sleepless nights sitting up with her holding her hand ?, I did it all and alone for most of the time, my doctor knew I was ill when she came to the house shortly before last christmas and put me under the mental health nurse in the practice, my mother might have passed, but i walked with her every inch of the way and it was as much my calgory as hers and I suffered as much as she did, was it like that for you?, if so that explains why you are so low, do you have hypertension?, might be a good idea to ask the doctor for a full health check, blood counts the lot, your tiredness might be a slow thyroid or v12 deficiency, are you and your dad eating properly?, it is important that you do and you say your boyfriend and daughter are both ill?, perhaps she caught a bug at the toddlers class and gave it to your boyfriend, its probably nothing more then that, but as with any medical advice I give, if symptoms persist consult a doctor, I cannot even see the patient.

Try eating/drinking anything that takes your fancy, it will do you good, I suspect you are proberbly staying in bed and sleep is proberbly at the moment the best thing for you, I say get as much sleep as you possibly can, it will help you heel, both your mind and body need it and that will do more for you then any antidepressant, grief causes incredible mental stress and that is damaging to your health in general, sleep as much as you can and if it helps take a sleeping draft.

Delighted your Mr Robin is back and I hope that is a good omen, I will keep you iun my prayers, remember what I have said about food and rest, if you cannot take solid food then have hot chocolate or horlicks with na jot of whisky girl, it will do you good.
Blessings to all and get some rest, get the telly out off your room and sleep.

take care.

Timxx

[tim007]

Ulma, take your time, do not make any major decisions for know and if your sibling can take some of the wait off you all the better, do not worry today about reinventing yourself, you are going through, and I suspect have been through a grate ordeal and I know how damaging to one that can be, let the dust settle, deal for know only with what you have to do and take what ever steps you can to reduce the stress that you are clearly under, I do not know what you have gone through with your father, but I suspect you are basically alone in the world, are you still working?, that can be or might not be a blessing in that it can give you something to focus on, or just add to your stress level, you may private message me if you wish to, the fact that you are not saying very much, yet are on this site, suggest to me that you are suffering, and I know what I was like, staying in my sleeping bag in a freezing house thinking of giving up, so I know what you are going through, no one sadly can bring back your dad, but a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved and we have all on this site experienced loss and tragedy, and if you pardon the expression, know are arses from our elbows.
bless you, and give you the strength and courage to carry on.

Timxx

[amyrose92]

Hi Tim
Thanks I might speak to my gp but he did say give it a few weeks before I decide. I have taken another tonight and will decide tomorrow just go with how it makes me feel but I’ve not enjoyed it so far.
I’m not sure id bother asking for different duties the phones have gone very quiet now for winter which is normal in our office and I’ve only got a handful of shifts left til Christmas.

I can’t get my tele out my room! Not a chance love watching something at night but I often put rain on YouTube to fall asleep to. Thanks I’m glad the Robin came back too. Was sitting with my dad when we saw it which was lovely.

I might ask for a health check but I’ve had bloods done not too long ago everything was fine. I think it’s just natural grief and part of me thinks I do just need to get through it and feel it. I think I will try St John’s wort instead I don’t think this pill is right for me it’s hard to decide though.

Hope you have a nice Sunday tomorrow we haven’t got much on just tidying the house none of us can be bothered to do much will get to the park we go to next weekend instead. Me too Tim thinking of yous all and hoping we all feel a bit of peace it’s very difficult to quiet our minds from the sadness but as you’ve said before it is like a ball in a box eventually it will get smaller we will always carry it with us but it will hopefully not always feel so intense.

Amy xx

[Laura8]

How is everybody today ? @amyrose92 how are the tablets ? Stil feel ill with them ? Xx

[tim007]

Hi Amy, so sorry about your problems and wish I could do more for you, for years was on something called tegretol for temple lobe epilepsy(about 17 years in all) and I never really got used to them, when I went into the merchant navy(2 years at Wray Castle as a merchant navy cadet doing an OND in marine electronics) the college doctor who I came under took me off them and I was fine, what I am saying Amy is you may never quite get used to your antidepressants, the reason for tacking them is to MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER, if they are not doing that then discontinue them, and if it is making you ill you must also consider what effect this may be having on your daughter, it is ok the doctor saying carry on, but only YOU know how you are feeling, not your gp, at the most I would give it a week, and if no better by then stop tacking them and go back to your gp.

What is rain on youtube please?, I have never heard of this, does your pc power down after so long by its self?, incidently how did you get on with the laptop?.

I am still working through my grief (and christmas just round then corner and it will soon be a year since my mother past over to the next life, talking of next life I am reading ‘walking with the dead’; by Lisa bWilliams, her first book, she includes an account of being visited in her London room by her passed grand mother in her bedroom(scared her cats out of the room) she noticed that it was a younger version of her grand mother, I am referring back to when you told me of the lady you met in your sleep, I remember you saying she looked like your mother but younger, you have almost certainly astro travelled to her,or she to you, this is usually how are past ones interact with us because it takes the least energy.

St John Wort as I understand it is a natural herb and not a drug and should have fewer side effects and is known for its calming effect(been mentioned on father brown) taken in larger quantities it induces sleep and is just what you want, your dad should try it too and I think I will, probably infinitely better then anti depressants, its also NON addictive so you will not get hooked on it, sleep will do you more good then anything else.

Hope you are having a pleasant Sunday, try to get some rest, I went to church this morning and prayed for you all, going out to coffee with some church friends in the morning and looking at a clock.

I hope your pain and sadness eases soon, that way you will be at piece in your mind, and hopefully in your life, and with gods grace we all will in time be able to move on from the cloud we are currently all under, it has been a hurrendas few years not just for us, but for the world with the pandemic, we are still recovering from that, it killed more people then the second world war. I think we hav e all seen enough deaf to last a life time.

I wish you a peaceful sunday afternoon, and a stress free week Amy, I will try St John ';s wort and tell you how I get on.

Blessings to all, hope you are better soon.

Timxx

[tim007]

About the st johns wort, I have ordered 100 st johns wort tea bags(nicer way to take it I think) let you know.

Timxx

[Jess1]

Hello Amy be careful with saint johns wart apparently it can react to birth control, if you’re on anything for that!

How is everyone today? sorry I’ve not been on for the past few days, life has been hectic.

I am still waiting for my start date to go back to the previous employer, not that I’m looking forward to returning.

I’ve actually had a few days where I haven’t felt as bad but of course grief crept up on me again, it’s definitely a rollarcoaster of emotions!

I think my Mums came back to visit recently as I keep being able to smell her briefly every now and then and I was walking my dog yesterday, when suddenly I felt my attention diverted towards a really fluffy white feather sticking out of a bush.

She also came through at circle yesterday but the trainee picked up that it was a friend but we was just like friends when she was here really!

At first I couldn’t take any of the information with her saying it was a friend but the more she went on, I was thinking it sounds just like my mum and then I heard my mums voice say “it is me” whether that was my imagination I do not know! But the tutor actually interrupted and said “everything is spot on but it isn’t a friend it’s a family member” so that confirmed what I needed to know!

I’m still finding it really hard though, not being able to communicate with her the normal way! And of course they’ll still be moments where I’ll wonder if it’s actually real!

[tim007]

Hi Jess, you appear to be making progress and it does sound that you have made contact with your mother(the fact you can smell her is very indicative of spirit communication) and from what you say this was confirmed by the tutor, so an exc ellant result.

You would off course like a meaningful conversation with her, and some times spirit can speak via the medium, you are much further on then me, you probably have heard of ‘When spirit calls you answer’ by Brenda Diskin, and is a book aimed at developing mediums like yourself, there will come a point ware you will be able to do readings for others if you work at it.

My mother does from time to time come through to me, either to remind me of something, to give advise, or on one occagern tell me off like when I tried a cap on at a church coffee morning a kind lady had given me, I got a sharp rebuke from her to ‘take your hat off!’ same personality as before she passed, personality not changed a bit since she past on.

Trust me, medium and clairvoyance IS real, some people do have this ability to communicate with spirit and there is nothing smoke and mirrors about it,trenchard Dowding of RAF fighter command was a medium and clairvoyant, he did not do readings, but could communicate with his wife and lost pilots and had the uncanny knack of knowing what the Luftwaffe were doing long before they showed up on radar and had squadrons scrambled to intercept, givin g the RAF a pivotal advantage that helped to turn the tide of battle.

Carry on Jess, you are doing very well.

Timxx

[Jess1]

Hello Tim I’ve fallen today. My previous manager has rang me about my start date.

She asked if I’d like to start back next Friday and I thought I had all this week off and next until I realised the date she gave me. It’s only this bloody Friday 1st December.

I don’t know why but it’s made me sprial out of control, I don’t feel quite ready to return but I’ll have to now seen as I stupidly agreed to it :(. I’m panicking now and my head feels all cloudy!

I don’t think it helps that I really didn’t want to go back at all because I just keep thinking that if things were right there, I’d have never left in the first place.

I am feeling defeated because the new job was meant to be a fresh start and I am so disappointed that it didn’t work out for me. I have never gone back to a previous employer before and I don’t know why but I feel so humiliated.

I am only going back because I felt forced to and I’ll never forgive the people that pushed me to go back now. I have a lot of resentment within me for those people at the moment.

I am also annoyed that there’s no help financially for the bereaved we are just expected to get on with it and I think it’s totally wrong.

[tim007]

Hi Jess, you say you have had a fall, are you hurt?.
Life is not easy, but look on the bright side, your manager appears to want you back, that means they realise you are good at your job and they have missed you(what is your work may I ask?)

Try not to panik, you will probably get time off for christmas(sorry, I do not mean to make it sound like a prison sentence, although NON of us are looking forward to this christmas)
DO NOT feel defeated or humiliated, you acted in good faith thinking you were going to something better and it is not your fault that the job was a dud, I have gone back to an old job when I stopped being a driving instructor, a job I will not be allowed to go back to on health grounds,I found my self back in an office fixing label printing machines, one of my pupils had been my bosses wife and she considered me a good teacher and from time to time I helped her in the office, that is life Jess, and we have to make the best of it and we have all had an annus horribilis of a year, and it has not been off our making, we all desperately miss our loved ones.

On the plus side you appear to have achieved spiritual communication with your mother(that was a beautiful photograph of her by the way) and I am sure she is proud off you.

You say you were forced to go back, was this mostly your partners mother or are others involved?, do you think there was a conspiracy to force you back?.
Its terrible, no help financially for the bereaved unless loss of spouce, and that depends on how much national insurance has been paid in, and appart for the funeral there are so many other things to pay out for, for so many bereavement is a financial disaster, I took steps to keep the cost down knowing my mum would not want me to spend thousands on it, I still have her ashes and they are in pride of place on the wall memorial to my family ware they will stay as long as I live(I am not leaving this house) then my Niece will have them, that is in my will.

Keep your chin up and hold your head high Jess, and don’t let the buggers grind you down.

If you like classical music try listening to classic FM, it might calm you down and relax you a bit.

Bless you Jess, be brave, I am thinking of you

Timxx

[Jess1]

No Tim I’ve not had a fall lol, I meant that my mood has fallen. Sorry about the misunderstanding.

Thinking about going back on Friday has really knocked me for six I’ve been so irritable and stressed out about the whole thing.

I’ve been crying on and off then getting so angry all day and I’m pretty sure I’d be able to handle this situation a lot better if it wasn’t for the grief.

Grief has definitely changed me as a person and I honestly feel stuck on what to do to fix it. I guess I have to learn to accept that life will never be the same again!

I am sorry to go on about work all the time, I’ve never been truly happy in any of my jobs really. I’ve just had so much bad luck in life and I often wonder what it is I do wrong to deserve all this.

I spent the past 2 years studying hairdressing because in my mind I’d be able to run my own business and wouldn’t have to answer to anyone once I had completed the course. But that wasn’t meant to be, I missed so many classes that I didn’t gain any confidence to go into that field.

I did enquire at a few salons and they wanted like 3 years salon experience anyway so I wasted my time doing that basically.

Another kick to the face was that she asked me if I wanted to work boxing day or new years day. I am so sick of working unsociable hours. It was partly one of the reasons I wanted to leave I was fed up of always missing out on things working most weekends.

I do believe working all the weekends is the reason I don’t see any ‘friends’ anymore! I was always working when they tried to arrange things with me so in the end it was like they gave up and stopped asking me. Which really does suck right now because no one is there for me due to the circumstances, I actually feel so alone these days

[tim007]

Jess, I am so sorry you appear to be so unhappy, and you have good reason to be having had so much upheaval in addition to losing your mother, and I know THAT is hard, we have all been through it and are still going through it.

Do you get extra for working bank holidays?, if not then they should be extra days off for you(Amy has got it down to a fine art) am I correct in thinking you are a carer?(my clarevoyant light is flickering) they always work unsosiable hours.

I am considering starting a domestic cleaning business, it pays better then repairing clocks and while not as chronologically gifted, is more stable work(chronologically gifted as in being able to repair clocks, not by being old enough to be grand father to most of you on this site!!) do you have your own transport?, then prehaps you should consider doing the same, you do not need qualifications, but as a carer you have already done the health and safety side and also CRB checked so all you need is insurance and it will be similer to what you already do, but it will be YOUR business, and you will not be dependant on others for work, CONSIDER THIS, people who do it and make a go of it wish they had years ago, discuss it with your partner, you will need his support and you have that dam morgage to pay but you can proberbly charge £13 an hour to start with, advertise locally to save travel cost and time and see how you get on, even if you do just 3 a week in your spare time thats £39 and people always want cleaners if they are any good and if you are inundated you will be able to pack in the job and become self employed and make good money at it, 30 hours at £13 being £390 a week, seriusly consider it, you already have the knoledge and you do not need qualifications, as long as you do not use industrial grade detergents(they take your skin off and you need a licence to poses them) usually used in sluice rooms in hospitals, and they are qualified operatives, but you will NEVER use that in a domestic setting.

So Jess, something to think about, as I say, start small and DONT give up the day job for at least 6 months, you will make a lot of friends doing it as well, as I have made friends with my business, be sensible and ‘Carry on don’t loseyour head’ Jess, I have books on order regarding a cleaning business and if you are interested then I am happy to discuss them with you.

Keep your pecker up and think off it.

Timxx

[amyrose92]

Aw Jess I’m so sorry you’re going through this please don’t feel humiliated. I was speaking to some of my colleagues today and they said in our English branch many people have quit and restarted, one girl even left and returned twice! It’s not that uncommon. Please try and see the silver lining in that you’re not in that bad new workplace any longer and you hopefully won’t be in this one too much longer either. Wish there was something I could say to fix things. I am glad it is a Friday you start as it’s only one day then you’re off again, so any awkwardness should be over and done on Friday. Will be thinking of you, hope you’re okay x

[Jess1]

I’m a domestic in a care home, it’s just the same old boring routine all the time so I’m feeling quite unmotivated about it at the moment.

One thing I cannot stand about the job is that I have to wash up after breakfast, dinner and tea and each wash up is easily over an hour. I suffer from severe dermatitis from the washing up liquid. I have tried all kinds of creams and ointments and tried wearing gloves.

The thing about wearing gloves is because the sink is so big and deep it is hard not to get water inside them and they don’t last that long so it was costing me quite a lot. The ones they provide are terrible otherwise I’d use them.

The sink is quite low down as well so it hurts my neck and back something chronic. The carers like to leave mess after I’ve cleaned everything as well so I was getting miffed off with that. It’s so inconsiderate of them.

I always have the kitchen staff moaning at me as well for apparently not being fast enough with the wash up and it really irritates me because it should be their job. In fact we are the only care home in the company where the domestics wash up.

We was getting more and more work shoved onto us as well before I left and I was finding it overwhelming. I felt so relieved that I found something else but it wasn’t to be.

I think I’m going to have to cut corners somewhere because I can’t cope being rushed off my feet all the time and I’m pretty sure the other domestics do that because they always seem to have extra breaks or are there before me. There’s no way they did everything I did.

When I first started I actually didn’t mind it but then covid reared it’s ugly butt! Things just went downhill from there and I did not want the jab but it was either that or I would be without a job. I think I fell out with the company after that one to be honest.

[amyrose92]

Cleaning can be a great job even with the council I know some people who do it and enjoy it. Maybe a total change might be good. Something part time and not too stressful @Jess1 something to consider if you really do not wish to go back to your old employer for too long. Just a suggestion I know it’s hard finding a job interviewing etc you might not have it in you just now. It’s so difficult. X

[Jess1]

Hello I am only in 9 till 2 but will be back on Monday half 8 till half 6. I will only be working 25 hours a week but the 10 hour days are a killer.

The job is very demanding and physically draining and back breaking. I’m just so tired and know I’m going to be even more so. It’s really taken it out of me all this grieving.

I am trying so hard to see the point in things but I just can’t these days. It just feels like we aren’t allowed to have emotions and feels like we come here just to work and pay for bills like robots!

I have thought about being my Grandma’s carer but you don’t get paid enough to do that. I do go round and help her though because she’s my Gran but it’s so unfair.

I am so sorry to go on, I’m just so miserable today and I thought I was starting to feel a bit better but of course it’s come back to bite me.

I don’t have anyone to do anything with anyway so don’t know why I’m bothered about working unsocialable hours anyway

[amyrose92]

Aw no you have your partner Jess and you never know what friends you’ll make in the future. I’m sorry you’re feeling so dejected right now. It’s really not too uncommon for people to leave jobs and come back I bet hardly anyone even asks you about it. 25 hours is still alot of hours. Could you possibly cut back to 16/20 and also be a carer for your gran? Wish I could make you feel better it is so hard to find motivation when we’re feeling like this x

[amyrose92]

Was reading this Jess, I know care homes can reduce hours sometimes I know you might feel awkward asking but could ask them to consider reducing your hours and get carers allowance and spend more time with your gran:

Carers Allowance: be caring for at least 35 hours a week ; not be in full-time education (21 hours a week or more); not be earning more than £139 a week, if you have a part-time job

[Jess1]

Thank you Amy please don’t worry about it! I think I’m just having a relapse to be honest. I do feel rather alone these days though.

Yes I have my partner but I think he’s getting sick of me now because I said I really don’t want to go back to work and he said “should we give the house back to the lender then you don’t have to” . Blackmail at its finest eh lol

I have considered seeing if I can go on bank but first I just need to get my foot back in the door I think before I start asking for favours if you get what I mean lol.

I have already asked if I could go on a specific unit because I felt more comfortable on said unit and she said she has to put me where she needs me for now but would look at what can be done after. I just feel like she said that to make sure I do come back lol.

We have a lot of things that need repairing in our house as well so obviously I have money worries it never ends!

I was quite annoyed that Xmas was even mentioned before I had restarted. They could have waited till I settled back in really.

Does everyone feel like time has just passed by since losing their loved ones, yet it only feels like yesterday at the same time? I’m so confused about this!

[amyrose92]

Yes it feels so strange I am trying not to even keep track too much of how long but been at least 2 months and still feels like yesterday. Time does move so fast and that’s a blessing and a curse whichever way you choose to look at it.
Sorry that was his reply I know he is being realistic but would be nice for him to be more sympathetic of your feelings. Everyone’s situations different but it’s how we respond to people that matters the most. Also that’s good that your boss has said they’ll consider putting you where you want just make a point of bringing it up again in a couple months time.
Bank shifts would be great and maybe your job would let you cut your hours right back and you could just pick up bank shifts as and when you need to. Things will work out ok, you’re just going through a tough time but it’s not going to be tough forever
Xx