Best ways to cope with loss of mother

Losing a parent
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Hi Tim yes you are right I live alone however since I moved back to Southend I do have some amazing friends where I live in retirement flats. I am the youngest here as you can be 55 and upwards. I have more friends than where I was in Somerset. There is a very good channeler on YouTube called Tina Spalding who channels Jesus. He got her to write a book, his authorised biography. He talks about his “missing years” that he had a normal childhood but always knew he had come here on a mission. When my late husband was losing his sight (macular degeneration) his other senses increased, especially psychically. He was an excellent healer and that’s how we met.

I wanted to post on here because I had a bit of a breakthrough. I had a nightmare in which I was hearing the smoke alarm go off (something I have been neurotically worrying about) and people were shouting and were in my room and I didn’t want them there. I woke up to realise the worrying I had been doing for 2 weeks was not about the smoke alarm problems totally. They put up a new one on Friday so I know it is ok. I had projected all my fears from the last year or so onto this small item! The fears I had having to deal with my sister who is a control freak and I had to stop her knowing where my Dad’s care home was and to take charge of the finances and his care in case she abused the money and care of him. I had to get power of attorney and get the money to pay for his care. I had to deal with her solicitors threatening me. Then when he died and we did speak I still have to be wary. I had to organise the funeral and the wake on my own and to collect the ashes on my own. There’s been a huge amount of responsibility since I moved back 2 years ago. So the fear is bound to come out in some way.

I feel I can handle it although I still get those nights where I am wide awake at 1am in a cold sweat! A good friend had some news about her brother in law passing away on her phone Saturday night. She knew what the message was about but she couldn’t pick up the receiver and listen to it, till the morning. I said I’ve done that with messages and letters. Sometimes you have to leave it till you can deal with it.

When you say about the Church’s attitude to mediums, most of them are a bit twitchy about it. What annoys me is how mediums are portrayed on tv and scientists who totally deny other realities exist and yet they know they do, because of the work of people like Stephen Hawking. I console myself with the thought they will know different when they pass to Spirit and eventually will see the non-physical world.

Hope you have a good day and it’s not snowing!

Zoe xx

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Hi Amy, glad to know you’ve ok, I suspect you have hay fever from what you say, not much chance of that this time of year.

Everyone down with colds accept you suggest your immune system is know in good order so your overall health will improve, and if you can get out in the sun all well and good but wrap up well and watch for ice under foot.

Hundreds of homes are with out power this morning in Cumbria and sis in law is one of them, she retreated last night to bed with her dog, using her gas stove for simple cooking and tea, she does a lot of camping with the brownies and is a special needs teacher so well equipped to cope.

just ware I live a thore is under way and the milk arrived early this morning (around 5 o’clock) as it usually does so i might be able to go to town later.

Hospital appointment tomorrow for an eye examination, it appears to be improving on its own but I better make the effort, been advised not to drive so it is train followed by bus or taxi or walk the 1.9 miles to the hospital, I think the walk will do me good.

Investing in a rowing machine to get fit again, time I got my self together.

About the St Johns, are you using tea bags or tablets just out of interest, I use tea bags, no milk but add sugar, I could try lemon juice as in Russian tea.

Working from home sounds a good idea, and if the trains are cancelled then that’s an excuse not to go into the office!!.

Hope you stay warm, safe, and enjoy your day.

Timxx

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Hi Zhug, at least you sound settled in your retirement flat and have made many friends and Southend on sea is a wonderful place to retire to and is a very retirement friendly place.

Tina Spalding, does she really channel Jesus?, I think that claim would cause earthquakes in the Vatican, they will be up in arms and demand the pope learn to do it, and if generally true then she really has got as good as ‘God on the red phone’
in the Oval office of the white house!!, effectively a hotline to God, she must be a very special lady, even the anointed one?, maybe she should be head of the world church, and if she can prove this then those who deny the existence of mediums and clairvoyants will have to finally eat humble pie and put a sock in it!!!., I think of Mary Magdalen, acknowledged as the first person to meet the risen christ, someone low and unimportant, who by being the first has been raised to high status, and the meek SHALL inherit the earth, what is the name of the book please?.

Your husband had a special gift, I believe Jesus was probably the same and he was a healer but he did it in the name off God(they say all knowledge is Gods and I believe that) sadly he had macular degeneration and a friend of mine has that.

I am so sorry you are having problems with your sister, I had a twin who passed two years ago, we had a difficult relationship at times but always made up, but if the relationship is broken and it appears toxic, its because it is, and you have had to care for your dad as well as your husband, my sis in law lost her husband, and then her mother in four and a half months, she is a lovely lady and a spetial needs teacher.

My mother passed in my arms early in January after a 4 year battle with dementia and I had to organise the lot, total despair fell over me, once the body had beenn removed and I just stayed in my sleeping bag and had I not been found I would have gone the same way, I have hypertension, depression and ptsd as a direct result of struggling alone with my mother for so long who wished to die at home, and with the help of others I was able to grant her that last wish, it almost killed me, and may have shortened my life(not bothered about that) she was my mother and it was the least I could do, and I walked with her through the valley of the shadow of death all the way to the very end,I went the direct cremation route as it was early January, I was clinically ill and in no state to lead a funeral or anything else at that point, the ashes were returned to me via coop funerals and I organised a proper funeral with the ashes in April, when the weather was better, people could travel and my health was good enough to do it(I more or less conducted the funeral myself with help from the minister) i have kept her ashes, they are in a casket and they are know the centre piece of a wall memorial to my all passed primary family.

You should not have to cope with stress from your sister, my dad had a similar problem in that his sister blamed HIM for the early death of there mother because he had a difficult birth and was a sickly child, that was so wrong, they have all past away to the next life.

Does your late husband ever come through to you?, sometimes my mother reminds me to do things like take my mobile phone and lock the door when I go out, I hear her voice in the back of my mind and she did not give me these reminders when she lived, that convinces me its her.

Your friend is clearly clairvoyant, when at university I knew when my dad was ill and in a coma and rang home, my mum was amazed by that because she had told me they would be away.

Off course scientist deny other realities, it is everything to do with the POLITICS AND ILLDESERVED REPUTATIONS OF THE IVORY TOWERS OFF ACADEMIA, AND NOTHING WHAT SOVER TO DO WITH A SEARCH FOR THE TRUTH, and so many scientist just toe the line of conventional thought rather then ask themselves ‘What if?’ by and large scientist are lazy, they just take the line of least resistance and do not wish or bother to ask fundamental questions, most of them just want there pay check at the end of the month, do not want to be accused of rocking the boat and want an easy life like most of others, lazy science is bad science, science should be about searching for the truth, no matter how difficult that may be, and I think of the geologist who nearly lost his job because he proved errogern around the base of the spinks in Egypt, IT WAS NOT ALWAYS DESERT!!!.

Hope your day improves, thawing hear.

Stay warm and safe.

Timxx

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Hi guys @amyrose92 @tim007
How is the St John’s wort working out does it help? Glad you are feeling a little better .
X

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Hi Laura, it does seem to help, promotes sleep at night as well, it quiertens the mind but do not take it if you are going out or something, fine if staying in and getting some extra sleep, NOT if you are using an electric carving knife or power tool.

Made contact with Jess and Amy, no sign of AmyC, I know she has her mothers funeral coming up just before christmas so I hope she is OK.

Timxx

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Ulma, are you still there?, are you on the air?, you appear to have gone off the radar and we are a bit concerned, just say if you are ok, hope you have not done anything foolish, I know Christmas is coming up and I lost my dad on the 1st December 2008 and my mum on the 5th January this year so christmas for me and for the rest of us on this site this year is frankly a pretty shit time and for you it must be hell and we all understand that, just say if you are still out there.

Tim

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Tim hear, sorry to but in, spirit can reach out to us OK, they are with in reason allowed to return to the earth plane and visit anyone they wish, but if they abuse this privilege it is withdrawn(there are rules in the afterlife just like hear, it is NOT a holiday, but a lot better then life on earth) but they find it hard to interact with us on the earth plane the way we do, that takes considerable energy so we tend not to see them when they are present, accept when we are close to death, then they gather to guide our soles to the afterlife and we leave our bodies behind, there reaction is usually very suttle with us, astro travel is the prefered way of interaction ware the sole leaves the body to promote recovery of same, this takes the least energy and I have had two such experiences, one with each parent, I believe you have had one with your mum Amy from what you have told me.

Timxx

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Hi Tim. Thanks for the concern. I’m still here, sort of. It’s been a few incredibly dark days for me. The funeral is coming up and Christmas after that and everything in me is just broken.

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ok, I’ll try it , Hopefully Amy C will be back when she is ready. Hope you are well today.
Laura x x

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Hello everyone sorry not been talking much I’m struggling again these days it’s horrible.

Although I’ve had a lot of experiences that proves there’s something after this life I still really struggle believing in it fully and keeping the faith. It seems I get like this when I’m having a bad day.

I just wish I could just accept that there’s definitely something after and that we will meet our loved ones again one day.

I know I had a reading the other day and the medium told me things she shouldn’t have known but looking back I feel like I was feeding her information without knowing it and there’s been points where I regret answering questions in detail when I should have just said yes and no.

I don’t know why I have these doubts sometimes.

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Hang in there Ulma, there is no easy way, but we are all thinking off you and are hear if you want to talk, I am afraid it is a time for faith, courage, fortitude and perseverance, and we all know the pain and despair of grief that tears grate chunks out of our minds and leaves such empty voids like an exploded bomb crater, it is true I am afraid, you never get over a real bereavement, one that irreversibly changes your life, you grow around it, and I am fully aware how I was feeling, and the state I was in, and still am in, my health having taken a considerable pounding to the point ware I was as mentally shot up as a returning dam buster bomber, that, is the price we pay for love.

DO NOT feel guilty over what has happened, like the rest of us you had no control over events, tragic as they were for you, and for the rest of us.

Are you having any say over the funeral or has that been taken out of your hands?, I did the whole thing myself, but could not cope with it in January, I was ill for one thing so I think I have told you I went the direct cremation root, Christmas is such a hard time for a funeral, the direct cremation root gave me two very valuable things, time to make some sort of recovery in my health to the point I could cope, and time to organise a proper funeral service for my mum with the ashes, I could not have copped with it in the first weeks after her passing, it was out of the question.

Do you have any close friends and are they supporting you in any way?, if you wish to be alone then that’s fine, there is no correct way to grieve and anyone who says otherwise is a fantasist and a lier, I know you will be dreading the funeral, weather it be burial or cremation,remember your loved one is not there, all that is is skin and bone, there soul, is internal, and while walking with you everyday, will move into the afterlife as well, and in the fullness of time, when your time for departure comes, you will be reunited with them.

Reach out to others, take some paracetamol, it will not stop the greaving, but it will ease the pain of greaving, a few weeks ago, I was in a very dark place and broken like you, I did not reach for the parasetamol and I should have done, I did not harm myself, but I came close to it.

Help yourself in what ever way you can, try to get plenty of restful sleep, that is probably the best medicine, I am afraid your fortitude is going to be tested to the limit, you are in my prayers tonight, I am so glad you have re-established contact,
may God give you the courage and strength to sustain you for the coming days and weeks.

Blessings to you Ulma, talk if you want to.

Timxx

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Jess, your feelings and emotions are all over the place, I think you need to seek proper qualified counselling, you are obviously still under stress probably from work and financial constraints and that is not helping,

There are qualified cancellers who work with Sue Ryder on this site, you need to approach them and ask for one to one help and you need to do that know, my impression is presently you are not coping and you need this asap, that will help to get you straightened out and if need be they can bring in therapist who can support you considerably better then we can, but YOU must ask for it, I can not refer you, I am not a medical practitioner.

Regarding the meeting with the medium, you should give little or no information, giving information can actually throw them off.

Getting cold hear again (-1C) so ice tomorrow, I have one of those eco warm heaters on in my lounge but it is like pissing on the blitz and having little effect, even with the new insulation, threatening to tear out the gas fire and convert it back to an open fire place with a built in ashpan I can empty from outside.

Take care Jess, think what I have said, get some help.

Timxx

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Hi Laura
It’s been okay but I think I’m going to call my gp tomorrow and have a chat about the sertraline again. As it really did improve my mood I just hated the side effects and I am going to ask about potentially putting me on the lowest dose (they had me on 50mg I’d like to try 25)
I’ll keep the St John’s wort though but I noticed more improvement mood wise on the sertraline.
Amy x

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Hey Tim my feelings are all over the place you’re right I think being back at work has made me feel rubbish again. I just feel so miserable that things didn’t work out the way I wanted.

I did have counselling a few weeks after my Mum’s passing but I didn’t really find it that helpful at the time. There were times I got annoyed with the counseller as she kept trying to tell me how I was feeling and she was often off the mark. I also felt like we was going round in circles.

One good thing about the counselling was that I was offered complimentary treatments after the sessions were over, where I got reflexology and back massages.

The reflexology did help with my mood so Prehaps I’ll find someone who offers it as my free sessions have come to an end now.

I feel so bad when ever I come on here with negativity as I know you’re all feeling the same as me.

I am even considering going back on Sertraline because I don’t know how much longer I can cope with this sadness, I’ve tried so hard without it but they may be a time where I need the help!

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I was on 25 mg Amy and it did actually help me but I had felt worse for a week before I felt better . I had this weird derealisation thing with it and it was a difficult time … and I wasn’t even grieving back then so I can imagine it was not good for you to be feeling even worse . I think that’s a good plan to try 25 I think I am very sensitive to medication so 25 was fine will you let me know ? Thinking if it myself . I’ve also been referred for bereavement counselling so I should be getting that in a few weeks which the lady said may help Me feel less overwhelmed with my grief . Is that worth a try ? Xx

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Don’t feel bad we help each other and that’s important especially around Christmas as it’s supposed to be such a happy time and we all feel absolutely shit xx

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How dare she tell you how you are feeling!!!, ONLY YOU KNOW THAT, and for her to make that assumption was both unprofeshernal and plain wrong, and no competent, caring counsellor would ever do that.

You might find hypnotherapy much more useful, I suspect you have unresolved issues at the subconscious level, if so then hypnotherapy is probably the best way forward.

You are a troubled soul Jess, and its not just that you are greaving for your mother, you probably have underlying unresolved issues, and if they make you feel useless then you cannot possibly perform at your best, because a feeling of inadequacy has a debilitating effect and tends to become a self fulfilling prophecy, I know from personal experience, I am dyslexic, not diagnosed until I was 15 so it wrecked my education and wrecked my life.

Talk to cancellers on Sur Ryder and ask about hypnotherapy,also ask your gp, it will do no harm and may even unlock the causes of some of your problems.

Reach out if you need support, its the squeaky wheel that gets the grease :smiley:

Timxx

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Amy, just a precaution, if you have been on the St John’s I would give it 48 hours at least before taking the antidepressant just to be on the safe side.

Timxx

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Yes of course I’ll let yous know hoping so much it helps. As 50 did definitely work for me as in my mood was a lot better but the side effects were unbearable. Now that im off it I realised actually it did help but had a read into the doses and that 25 is the lowest so im hoping my gp agrees to give it to me, I don’t imagine he will say no. I will probably start it tomorrow or Thursday depending when I get the prescription so I will update you over the week about how it’s working
Amy xxx

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Thanks Tim for letting me know I took a St John’s wort this morning so I will wait til Thursday before I take the sertraline. I am hoping gp agrees to give me the low dose can’t imagine them saying no though. And I’ll let you know how I get on, I just think a lower dose would be alot better for me I’m quite a small person and just think maybe the 50mg which is standard for most people was too strong for me personally. As in you’d think, 50mg could be given to a 6ft 200 pound man and work but I’m 5ft1 and not heavy just think maybe my body would react a lot better to a low dose of the anti depressant as it is strong stuff
Amy xxx