Sorry to jump on the chat @tim007 and @amyrose92 I was reading your thread and it comforted me . A lot and some good advice .
My Dad died 22nd July and I’ve just felt to lost and alone ever since . Missing him terribly . It really does make you feel ill.
Xx
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It really is hard. When I think of a funny story or event, I would always tell my mum to make her laugh and now I can’t. My mum was the eldest of 8 and at family gatherings, it was always me taking her, but now I go alone and feel empty. I always took her on holidays and now I no longer want to go on holiday. I did all I could for her so that she did not feel lonely once my dad died. My sister rarely bothered and now has moved in and pushed me right out. We are both joint executors and beneficiaries, but I have been totally shut out. My sister is too fiery to confront. I feel lost at sea and devastated.
Oh no that’s dreadful . You are going through enough without that .
People are so cold xx
Hi Laura, I am so glad I have been able to comfort you and if your bereavement has left you alone in the world then I know how that feels when there is suddenly no one else in the house, my nabour is house bound with cancer and was telling me this morning she has lived alone for 32 years since her husband past(she is 85) her son is 7 hours driv iong away and while her daughter lives only 2 miles away she can be hardly bothered with her and is very self centred,we have to reinvent our selves, it is 9 months for me and 3 months for you (sounds like a prison sentence,and in some ways that is what a series bereavement is) only it is a life sentence with no parole or time off for good behaviour and to make it worse we are innocent your honour and it ends only when we in turn are out and sent back to the grate pavilion were we are reunited with our loved ones, there is more after death, my twin brother proved it to me the night after his death ware he started messing with a battery photo movement light in my room(it went berserk) and a close friend of his 50 miles away had a similar experience the same night, I expect he will be the first I encounter on ‘the other side’ when my time comes, my clervoyant thinks I have another 30 odd years ahead of me(I groaned when she told me that on the 4th February, less then 1 month since the death of my mother, just have to get on with it I suppose, life is like a cricket match and we cannot just knock are bails off the wickets just because someone else is out of the batting, did you say you were only 22?, that is really hard to lose your father at that age, you are barely an adult and if alone even harder, I am old enough to be your grand father(63 not out) I do not want to make a centuary if I am going to be old and decrepit but as they say, yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, they say we never get over a bereavement, we just get used to it, it is a lot worse then the common cold, it can be more like long covid, and you really can die from a broken heart as Rony Barker did after a fallout with his son (better if he never had him) and is why with elderly couples so often when one goes the other follows quickly, particularly if they are alone in the world and basically un loved, only you know how you feel and there is no such thing as the correct way to grieve, that is noncence, let me recommend to you ‘You are not alone’ by carriet Lloyd and ‘Climbing out of depression’ by Sue Atkinson,second one is
a good read and quite funny as she compares us all( including herself) to lemmings climbing out of a pit and up a rock face and its a good analogy, try not to stay in the house all the time, get out if only for a walk, consider getting a pet, joining clubs, paragliding or power lifting if you are an adrenalin junky or balls(I have taken that up) or what ever floats your boat, one day you may meet someone and you will be happy again, things will improve, if you make an effort, suddenly being alone is not easy, you are doing the right think in reaching out to others on this site, we are all suffering from bereavement depression or post bereavement depression(I consider my self moving towards the later) I still have bad days and christmas will not be good but I have more good then bad know and am moving on. good luck
Tim
No I am 44 not 22 , my Dad was 75 and died very suddenly .
I do have a husband and friends but they really do not understand how I am feeling at all .
I do like your cricket analogies .
Thanks for the words of encouragement it did make me smile .
I hope you have had a good a day as possible .
Laura
Lynne, YOU NEED TO TALK TO THE LAWYER DEALING WITH YOUR MOTHERS ESTATE ASAP, if your mother gave you both equal consideration in the will then then half your mothers estate is yours (there may be inheritance tax to pay but that is between you) and if your sister is being a problem over that she is violating your mothers will,. what you say sounds correct, you have struggled with your mother over the last few years and your sister did not care less as I have struggled with my mother at home for 4 years with dementie leaving the house only for shopping or to collect prescriptions and it took a terrible toll on my health and then I had to face bereavement and make all the arrangements my self after she passed (she died in my arms drowning in her own fluids) her passing was only the end of the beginning, it is only when you have no alternative then to be strong that you know how strong you can be, I know just what that is, your sister know wants her pound of flesh and yours as well and I suspect she did not love your mother as you did, you know what?, you need to stand up for your self, it is the squeaky wheel that gets the grease!, families so often are torn apart by this sort of rivalry at a death and some 3/4 of us will be disputing a will in our life time, but if what you say is correct then half of everything is yours and your sister needs putting in her place, I know what you have been through and it is the hardest thing you will ever have to do, I think your mother should have cut your sister out!!, this would be a good case for judge Winder.good luck
Tim
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Hi Laura, sorry for the misunderstanding, I thought your husband at least would have more compassion, she was your mother after all and a girls mother is usually her best friend or does he just expect you to be a slave at the kitchen sink?, yes, you can feel alone after a bereavement, even if you still have a family, particularly if they just expect one to continue on AFTER one’s world has just fallen in and empathy is lacking, I wonder if your husband has lost his mother?, possibly if he had he might be more supportive like take you out to dinner or a romantic weekend away or something to give you a brake, stand up for yourself, you are NOT his slave and no one says ‘obey’ these days in the marriage vows, those days belong to the time of Dickens and are long gone(apparently he was not kind to his wife) it is the squeaky wheel that gets the grease, good luck
Tim
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Always love your posts Tim. Wise words always. Missing my mum terribly since May. xxx
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I lost my Dad not my Mum .
He isn’t that bad - he hasn’t lost a parent so he just doesn’t understand. He has tried to help to be fair but I think it’s easier if you talk to people who have been through it like you suggest
Don’t worry he doesn’t treat me like a slave !
Sorry Laura, it was your father, not your mother, even so what I have said still applies, my sister in-law was very close to her father, rather more then to her mother I think, hope you get that brake, I think you need it, you are doing the right thing by reaching out this site and mental cruelty takes many forms, I do hope you are not an abusive relationship, I suggest you speak to your doctor if you need help, two books that might help you, ‘You are not alone’ by Carried Lloyd, the founder of grief cast and ‘Climbing out of depression’ by Sue Atkinson, I found them very helpful, remember, stand up for yourself.
Tim
I am definitely not in an abusive relationship . I have the Cariad Lloyd book it’s very good . I’m reading it now ! Thanks for the recommendations.
And yes I was so close to my Dad so I feel like I’ve lost a best friend too . It’s difficult x
Laura, it is evident to me from what you have said that you were much closer to your father then anyone else in your life, and I suspect that you, and only you, in your married family really moaned his passing,(I was the only person who greaved my mother, all the others having past on) and to everyone else he was regarded as just an inlaw, people forget something, when a man marries a woman he is not just marrying the women, he is marrying the family as well
and they become the inlaws, legally related by marriage, and so often the inlaws are regarded as excess baggage and that is wrong, and because your married family did not love your father they are not sharing your sense of loss and are not sharing empathy with you, I think your husband should show you more empathy and if he really loved you I think he would, a friend of mine years ago in Liverpool told me how she found her husband in bed, with her best mate, and she had suspicions before that in that in bed she could smell on him the other woman, he could not even be bothered to take a shower, my God sister had a similar experience, her husband being a night and a famous scientist but I am not allowed to give names on this site, she divorced him and got the house, I am not saying you should do that, only you understand your situation, but these days what belongs to your husband is also yours and if you feel uncomfortable, or are in an abusive relationship then there are avenues you can take and you should start by talking to your doctor, you have had a terrible bereavement, the loss of your father, and at this time you need support or you would not be on this site, we never get over a real bereavement, we get used to it, and at the moment you are going through severe trauma, that if not addressed, will have an adverse effect on your physical and mental health and it is important you seek help,
Delighted and relieved to hear you say that and that you are finding the book helpful, stay positive and try to be optimistic, just I have come upon things in my life that read like something out of a soap, (Emmerdale, East enders etc) it is a time for courage and a time for faith, on this site we are all in the same boat, we have all lost someone special to us, good luck
Tim
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That’s really not right to be fair . I was just expressing you can be with people , family even and still feel a bit isolated when it’s this raw. That’s all …
He’s been very good and really not how you suggest .
Ok Laura, I apologise both to you and to him for the misunderstanding, I have done safe guarding courses as part of my voluntary work, I was a little bit concerned from what you were saying, glad you are getting the support and consideration you need at this time.
Tim
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don’t worry at all …
Just a long road isn’t it … nice to be here with people who feel the same …
Cheers Laura, keep your pecker up, yes, its a long road and it is one that for the most part we take alone, God willing we will all get there in the end, death is such a set back and for some it can mean loosing there home if they cannot afford the mortgage (over 60 they cannot turf you out of your own home so that covers a lot of us)thankful for small mercies I think.
regards
Tim
Thankyou for your kind words, wisdom comes with experiance and I learnt so much about life in general trying to cope with my mother in her final years and I regard it as the completion of my education(I am still studying, hope to learn laser engraving and gain a microlight pilots licence, I am referring to life lessons) and as I said in my mothers eulogy, to those who greave and to those who mourn I commend the teachings of St francis of Ecsey, we need to have the humility to accept the things we cannot change, it is only then the healing process can begin, that is a journey we are all going through in our own way and in our own time, the reality is we never quite arrive,it is like a differential equation in calculus, it never quite gets there but close enough ,but it gets easier every day, wishing you all the best and a good day tomorrow.
Tim
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Thank You Tim. Take care and enjoy the rest of your evening. xx