Best ways to cope with loss of mother

[tim007]

Amy, you have grate insight, possibly the makings of a medium.
I am afraid the grief journey is a roller coaster, some days you are up, others down, and at this time of year I think we are all more down then up, I am fed up with feeling the blues, I did some shopping this morning then went back to bed, and am so down and so fed up.

Considering getting one of those day light lambs that are supposed to cure the winter blues(I think I have a touch of that) but I am greaving as well like everyone else.
(Life is such a tough teacher and non of her students get out alive)thats a good one and I shall remember it, should have added (so don’t take life too seriously) and yes, we are just hear to learn lessons, then we go back to the spirit world and face review from our spirit guides, and probably appraisal from our peers(sounds like Magna Carta doesn’t it?)we got that thanks to William the Marshal of Cartmel who persuaded King John to put his seal to it, and we will be made to feel the pain we caused others (cannot think that will be much for most of us on this site) and the joy we caused others(hopefully a lot more of that)

You say we call it death Amy?, well we do, but while the body dies, YOU DONT, your body is not you, it is only a vehicle that allows you to have a physical presence in the world,and to interact in it physically, like a mechanic using a spanner to turn a nut,
or a microlight pilot flying in a microlight,it allows us to have a physical life on earth, to engage with others (non confrontational hopefully) and to be a part of the earth plain, and to learn lessons from experience, in short, it allows us to experience life, and in so doing we grow.

And in the fullness of time, we will be altogether again in the next life, my mum was not to happy at that prospect and I could not think why, might meet up with her still born brother she never new?.

Sorry, it is a lot to take in I know, but do not worry about this for know, concentrate on living for know, that, is difficalt enough.

Blessings to you all.

Timxx

[Laura8]

How is everyone doing ? Love to all x

[Jess1]

Hey Laura, struggling as always especially with the new year coming in. What about you?

I am hoping to get to sleep soon so that I miss it. Not that I have a choice seen as I am working tomorrow.

Are you doing anything for new year?

[tim007]

Jess, Laura, and to everyone.
Good evening.
We stand on the threshold of another year, and in doing so, we say farewell to what for all of us has been with out acception,the most difficult year of our lives.

The mere fact of the turning of the year does NOT mean a final goodbye to our loved ones , and makes no difference to our faith or purpose, for they walk in spirit with us everyday, and will assist us in time of difficulty.

It is a time for resolve, courage, forbearance, humility and hope.

The resolve to go on, and to honour our loved ones by following, and upholding there example, and what they have taught us. and in so doing honour them.

The courage, to get up in the morning and to strive to make our own lives better, not only for ourselves, but for family members and others as well, and that is on some days not easy when one feels overwhelmed with depression, and are trying to cope with the day to day grittiness of life.

We need forbearance to give us patience, both with ourselves and with others, who
in trying to help or comfort us may not know how to.

In the words of St Francis of assisi, we need the humility to accept the things we cannot change, it is only then the healing process can begin, and we can start to move on with our lives as we must, for the sake of our own mental welfare and future happiness.

And we all need hope, hope that the sun will rise again in our lives, and that this vail of darkness and despair that we are all under will give way to new horizons and new opportunities.

I will not going to wish you all a happy new year full of the joys of spring because for all of us it is not, but I wish you the next best thing, and that is peace with your selves and peace with each other, and I wish you all the very best for 2024.

Timxx

[amyrose92]

Happy new year Jess and everyone on here
I hope it is a year we can experience some relief from the grief and move forward with love
I will admit I burst out crying and decided to spend the 5 mins before writing in my journal to my mum, then wrote happy new year to her on the stroke of midnight
Went down and sat with my dad for a bit but he’s tired.
Thanks for saying my message was nice Jess I hope things work out better for you work wise and with everything this year. It feels like leaving them behind but let’s not forget we will never leave them behind and we will not forget them

[amyrose92]

Hi Tim
Happy new year to you, I hope you are alright. It is not long til your mothers anniversary, please stay strong and do whatever you can to get through the day. I can imagine that new year will always be a particularly painful time of year for you now. But please remember your mum is still with you, just in her own way.
Tonight I seen a dark figure in the hall and my daughter shouted on our dog, I was sure she was there so I shouted for her and she wasn’t there. My boyfriend then went to the hall to check, and one of her balls rolled down the stairs. She was sound asleep on the couch - but I had an old dog called Sheba, a black and brown collie mix (my dog, I picked her when I was 10/11 and had her til 25) she would hide in the bathroom during fireworks, so I’m hoping it was Sheba scurrying into the bathroom Sheba was a great girl, she waited all day for my dad to come home on the day of her passing and collapsed infront of him. She was a great dog, and I hope my mum has her now.
It gives me a lot of comfort to think they’re all still here, and thanks for saying have the making of a medium, I would disagree as I don’t think I’d be too good at it, but I am trying to open myself up to signs, and I am a believer now. I seen the Robin out the back garden again today. we’re getting out a walk in the morning and perhaps walk up to see my mums grave. I’m not back into work til next week thankfully so have most of this week to just take things slowly. We have being doing up my daughters bedroom we got her this and it looks fantastic in her room

Amy xx

[tim007]

Bless you Amy, and a happy new year, some presence was definitely in your house and it sounds like it was your mum, your mum is still with you to.

Your daughters ice cream van looks fantastic, anyone stopped her to buy one?, one of the dragons ran a mobile ice cream business(Duncan Banaton I think) and in the summer they do a roaring trade, but the real things start at around £15,000, perhaps your boyfriend could acquire a suitable vehicle and help convert it when she is older?.

I am tacking Berocca for depression and it has lifted my mood, it has also given me more energy, you want the green packet with all the B vitamins in it and I got mine from Amazon, take first thing in the morning, at night it will keep you awake.

Dogs are amazing, your Sheba hanging on, waiting for your dad to come home for that final good bye, that is devosion, she loved your dad and you unconditionally I am sure, my family had a beagle and I was 7 when we got her and she was there until I was 19, she had to be put down, cancer, very sad when we loose them.

You certainly have the empathy to be a medium and your emotional intelligence is exceptional, the downside of that is it makes you venerable to your own feelings, and because of that you feel grief to the point ware it is painful for you(I find it does physically hurt at times and I reach for the paracetamol)

Going to sis in law for lunch today, dropping a clock on the way(not literally I hope, it will brake and I have spent hours rebuilding the besal hinge) so dinner will be a surprise.

Seeing my mental health nurse on Thursday, I think I am making fair progress but I cannot help but think that might have helped you and you should have been offered it.

Next Monday I find out if I will be allowed to drive at night, I can manage in the summer, but winter will to some extent be a closed down period for me, like a restricted pilots licence, good day light, min 3000 foot to cloud base and be able to see the ground at all times.

Always lovely to hear from you Amy, I wish you all the very best for 2024, try to stay positive, keep the faith and believe in yourself, our mums are still with us but in there own way.

Timxx

[Jess1]

Awful day at work today, didn’t sleep a wink last night so that didn’t help. It seems the job is challenging me a lot more than usual.

I can’t believe it will be a year in a matter of months since my Mum left the earth plane, no idea where the time went but it still feels like yesterday I heard the devastating news!

I am trying to be positive but it is so so hard, when you have no idea what the purpose of life is anymore. Wow grief really is confusing isn’t it! I’m left not knowing who I am anymore and wondering why I have to carry on going to work and other things. None of it makes any sense lol.

Another thing that’s bothering me is all the rain we’ve been having, I usually feel better walking in nature but it is no good when it’s raining and windy constantly tut! Let’s hope for a better summer this year eh.

How have you all found today, I’ve just felt so overwhelmed and just sad, is it ever going to ease hmm x

[tim007]

Hi Jess, it sounds to me that your job is causing you more problems then anything else, you say your manager gave you a way of reducing your hours to 2 days a week instead of two and a half, have you taken her up on that?, it does appear from what you say she is trying to throw you a lifeline, you should take any offer that gives you a chance to recover, that is only pragmatic, and often the best and only way to make things work, you need to accept anything that helps make the job work for you.

The purpose of life has been argued and debated over from the time of Aristotle downwards, there is no such thing as coincidence, everything has a reason and a purpose, but sometimes it is not for us to know the reason, I know it is easy for me to say, but try to stay positive.

Try to develop into a medium, from what you say that may well be your salvation, and you will have experience of life to back it up, sometimes we need to reach for the hero inside ourselves, but you must accept that such change will not happen over night.

I get the impression you still feel overwhelmed by your grief, that, is a grate burden in its self, and we have all felt rather out of it over this christmas and new year, because we have all suffered terrible loss and NONE of us, if truth be told, has yet come to terms with that.

The rain has been excessive and has got us all down, I am trying to be positive and look towards the spring, flooding in places and thousands trying to get away for christmas stranded in the south, there own stupid fault for wanting to go abroad over christmas and I do not have much sympathy, they should be content with what they have, but lets hope for a better summer, and the sun will shine on us once more, our mums have not deserted us and are still with us but in there own way.

Bless you Jess and all who love you, keep your chin up, and be pragmatic.

Timxx

[Jess1]

I think I’ve just had enough of the job now in all honesty, I just wish the new job worked out.

My manager only suggested that she’d take half a days annual leave from me for a few weeks when I mentioned wanting to cut down to 2 days but I still have the option of cutting down to 2 days permanently.

It’s just hard with this cost of living situation to make a decision such as that as obviously I’ll be taking a loss and the list of jobs on my house is endless.

It’s the washing up I’m finding overwhelming, it never bloody ends and I’m always rushed off my feet because obviously we have other jobs to do. I don’t know any care home where the domestics do the washing up anyway! Not too mention that we are the only home in the actual company where we wash up.

I always seem to be the last back with the kitchen trolley, and I always get sarcastic comments from the kitchen staff, urgh it really makes me mad and I always think it should be their job anyway and wish I could tell them to show me how to make it quicker lol as for being the last back i’m either doing too much or the other domestics get a lift, there’s something not quite right.

The thing is I haven’t been myself since my mum left, emotionally and physically so things just get to me more.

I sound quite pathetic winging about washing up but it just gets too much sometimes and I’m sick of working like a donkey, not to mention the sink is really low down, which I’ve brought to my managers attention for her to say that I’m only short anyway and to think of the tall staff, so what it still breaks my back

[tim007]

Jess, this sounds like harassment in the work place and it sounds to me you are being picked on, for some reason it appears they are picking on you, may I ask a question, are you the only domestic doing washing up, or most of it?, because if so that is not fair on you, I bet the others cut corners while you do most of the work.

You mention you are short but you find the sink to low?, presumably the tall staff would find it harder still and this may explain why so much washing up is delegated to you, but I would say that only strengthens the case to raise the sink level, I presume sitting at the sink using a swivel stool would be out of the question?.

There is nothing pathetic about complaining about your working conditions if they are doing you harm, and NO ONE this day and age should be worked like a donkey with the acception of the military and the emergency services, and even the military have been forced to take a second look at how they push there people IN PIECE TIME, in war its another matter.

Are you suffering industrial back injuries?, I am not asking this frivalusly, because if you have your first port of call should be your gp.

Blessings to you Jess, take care.

Timxx

See if you can get a transfer to another home in the same company, if one is with in reasonable distance of you.

I do not know your financial circumstances, but if I were you I would consider cutting down to two days a week for know and see how things go, cut down on what you are spending on your house, sounds like you are spending thousands on so called ‘improvements’ when perhaps that money should go towards getting ahead with the mortgage repayments, my twin brother was like that, his house was a permanent building site and even the dog had difficulty getting around!!.

[Jess1]

Hey Tim, all the domestics have to wash up breakfast dinner and tea all the time, it’s just getting worse as the kitchen seem to be sending a lot more food over and there’s so much waste as well. It seems most are happy just to get on with it but I can’t stand it anymore!

I do believe some of the carers try it on with me though because I don’t say anything, they’ll add their own washing up on top of mine, like they’ll take a plate of food on their break and will bring it back and add it to the pile, I would never do that I’d take it to the order sink and would wash that up myself! Yes there’s 2 sinks in the kitchen so there’s really no excuse they’re just plain lazy and try it on and i’m just sick of it now.

The other day I noticed that the afternoon tea was still waiting to be done and I’m pretty sure the carers were trying it on and we’re considering adding it on top of my tea time wash up (afternoon tea is a cuppa and snack before tea) carers are supposed to wash up between meal times and they’ve added theirs onto my wash up countless times.

Anyway time was getting on and I said to one of the carers that the afternoon tea wash up hadn’t been done yet and she said no problem but she only did half of it, crafty bugger, they were dishes with food in untouched which she said she would leave out in case the residents wanted them later.

Well tea time came and of course none of them were given out so I had to throw them away and wash them up on top of my own washing up.

Another example of a joke, I got the carpet cleaner out, even though it wasn’t on my list of jobs, I was picking up and dragging furniture around and they were stood around not offering me any kind of help and to rub salt in the wound about an hour after the carpet cleaning it was was full of stains all over again due to carers not cleaning up right away from the residents spilling at tea time. It’s so disrespectful and something needs resolving cause it’s really not fair! I think I’m going to have to talk to my manager about it all, I just hate confrontation so much.

Sorry I’ve really babbled on haven’t I I could complain about a lot more it’s that bad!

[tim007]

Jess, you are to conchenshas and take to much on, you have to make it clear you will only do your share and no more, and stop heaving heavy furniture around on your own, you are not trying to free someone from under a 3 ton truck in a burning garage(a 120ib girl in America did just that, she dead lifted the front corner of a truck, one ton on the wheel that had been removed, balanced that incredible weight on her knees and dragged her dad from under the vehicle!!!, then calmly called the fire department!!, arsom is not the word, its an unofficial world record dead lift) but YOU ARE NOT IN THAT SITUATION, STOP TAKING ON JOBS NOT ON YOUR LIST!!!,I AM SURE NO ONE ELSE DOES, AND IF NOT ON YOUR LIST DO NOT DO THEM,STOP BEING A DOOR MAT AND STOP BEING YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY!!! that way the others will have to do there share.

Think of what i’ve said Jess, for your own good.

Blessings to you

Timxx

[Jess1]

I keep saying to myself I’m not going to do it anymore but sometimes I can’t seem to help myself, I like seeing the results of my hard work but sadly no one else notices that, therefore they don’t see themselves doing any wrong when they ruin it, that’s what’s wrong with the world these days, people have turned more selfish and ignorant.

I think I may have a form of ocd as I go mad cleaning my own home to, although I haven’t had an official diagnosis, I do like things a bit too perfect, just the way I am I suppose.

My Mum on the other hand was complete opposite lol she liked to hoard a lot of things and didn’t mind things being out of place lol so I’ve no idea where I get it from.

Still raining here, it’s battered my garden, I have a planter attached to my fence that I will need to empty out and cut off once the weather has improved because it’s fallen through due to the wood rotting with the weather conditions.

We have only just had new front gate fitted and due to the winds and people not closing it, it’s come loose

It just will not stop raining round here lol

[tim007]

Jess, you have hit the nail on the head and have admitted it yourself, and from what you say it is more then likely you are suffering a form of OCD, (I bet you are always washing your hands and are scupilasly clean, and while cleanliness is next to godliness there is a happy medium, and it is NOT always to healthy to be in a sterile environment)

I had an Uncle who was one of the top P&O engineers, he said when bugs were going around the ship the Americans were always the first to go down with it, the reason?, most well to do yanks live in sterile homes, even standard us air conditioning has got uv scrubbers fitted that kill airborne germs and frankly in view of that you would think that cruise and airline companies would follow suit, and I remember the cases of leganer disease in Barrow in Furness were an air conditioning unit was discharging into a street, and my past twin brother said he did not like the smell coming from it (he was a heating and plumbing engineer)

OK, enough of air conditioning, some times Jess you need to let things go, it is not your job to clean up the world, you have enough problems of your own so stop putting yourself forward and try to be a little more laid back.

OCD is a recognised condition and your first point of call should be your gp, but find out first what you can from google, read up on the condition and ask yourself is that you?, if it is then print it off and take it with you when you see the doctor, such a diagnoses would help you in your work, I think you might have touched on something useful to you.

Sadly, so many people are selfish and ignorant, they are also lazy and could not care less with there ‘to hell with it’ attitude to life, for the most part, they have never known hardship, or suffering, or deep grief, in fact none of the things that most of us have suffered, and are suffering on this site. and they do not know what life is about because they have always been able to shelter from it, and for the most part have loyalty to no one but themselves.

Stop putting yourself down, you are as capable as anyone, and I think your dad has conditioned you to think like that.

Blessings to you jess.

Timxx

[Jess1]

I have already been diagnosed with generalised anxiety which is a form of ocd.

Not having a good start to the new year lol ended up at urgent care because I’ve done something to my chest/back.

No idea what I’ve done but I was sent there from work as I was in agony, I was waiting there for an hour for them to triage me and give me an appointment tonight at half 8.

I honestly can’t think what I’ve done to myself but it’s dam painful, I can barely move! Hope it’s nothing serious though as I can’t afford any time off work.

How are we all today it’s gone a little quiet on here for the past few days hope you’re all okay, silly thing to say mind x

[tim007]

Jess, I suspect you have been overdoing it, this is a warning, its your bodies way of saying ENOUGH!, and if its your back then it is probably through lifting heavy furniture, you are not trying to lift a 3 ton truck in a burning garage with someone trapped under it, cut out the heroics and don’t do any more then you are required to.
Medically speaking I cannot possibly say what it might be, if its in your chest that suggest a possible infection, it could be sciatica and I have had that myself, tends to go for the back and the back of the legs and makes walking painful,but most people with sciatica can still cycle and one doctor I knew in Liverpool her Uncle had sciatica, but he did a lot of cycling instead.

My Niece currently has sciatica so it seems to be the thing to have like fila faxes used to be in the 70’s (showing my age like the american space shuttle with itsc magnetic tape computer) I think we shall both soon be museum pieces(me and the shuttle) and it apparently started on christmas day when I was with her, did not register on my clairvoyant radar so so much for that!!,

Blessings Jess, hope you recover soon.

Timxx

[tim007]

As Jess was saying, its gone very quiet out there and I know one or two may have no power at the moment and I hope they are keeping warm and safe.

Is anyone out there?.
1 knock for yes

2 knocks for no

3 Knocks is for I don’t really know.

Night night everyone.

Timxx

[Jess1]

Had a chest xray, ecg and bloods done, everything normal, they think I’ve strained myself at work. What a surprise.

They didn’t give me anything to help me, not even a note to say that I attended today, told me to self certify but it’s not as simple as that, they make you feel guilty for going on the sick.

Not only that they don’t even offer sick pay, all we are entitled to is ssp and it isn’t even half of what I’d be earning whilst working it’s a complete shambles!

So I think I’ll just grin and bare it and put up with the pain, got a lovely 10 hour shift coming up, sure that’ll help, not! But I’ll use my boyfriends napoxen.

I seem to be getting the short end of the stick at work as well since I returned, we are meant to work alternate weekends and she keeps putting me on a full weekend and on a Sunday the following week. Weekends are the only time I get to spend time with my boyfriend.

I know why though I over heard her talking about a new woman saying she doesn’t mind doing weekends so long as she gets Sundays off because she’s a jovo, so it’s bit of a coincidence that I’m getting all the Sunday shifts.

I’m just so fed up of everything now, I hope something comes up I’m sick of being taken for a mug now and I will be cutting down to 2 days because of how I’m feeling about things now

[Laura8]

Knock …
Hope you are feeling better Jess . What a start .
I have been back to work and am like you say Tim just have no power - I’m quite down after the Christmas period . I found it all a bit much and now I feel drained . I would like to get more sleep . Fingers crossed I get a good night tonight .
Hope you are all doing as well as you can xx