Urgh I just feel on edge constantly and I get irritated so easily these days to! I’ve been losing my cool a lot at work to, and worrying about getting into trouble lol
As for the health side of things I’ve been having days where I can barely breathe, feel dizzy and faint and so so tired! I seem to sleep fine though but it never feels enough!
I’ve had a few ecgs since my mum passed , and when I went to hospital with a chest strain I had an xray and bloods done. Of course everything was fine.
In all honesty I think I make the symptoms worse by worrying about my fate. I have always had a fear of dying but not to this extent. It doesn’t even make any sense to be scared as I feel like I cba with life anymore, prehaps there’s a part of me that does want to live it’s so confusing
Oh and the fear I have over losing more loved ones is hard to bare x
Yes I have that fear as well .
Horrible and scary . Somehow we’ve got to find a way to enjoy life again haven’t we? Seems impossible at the moment.
Those symptoms are scary and I had them when I had terrible anxiety episode 2 years ago . Plus a racing heart and panic attacks .it was all anxiety but I felt really ill… That’s when I went on setraline for a months and it did help
Calm my body . I know you’ve taken it before and had side effects but maybe for the short term could be worth a
Try ?
Xxx
I’m really unsure about going back on them cause I did have side effects when I first started them but the side effects coming off them were a lot worse for me.
I also feel so scared just because I don’t have my mum anymore it’s sort of ungrounded me and I feel like I’m losing my sanity. It’s like I don’t know how to really live without her.
I’m glad you can spend time with your dad in your dreams, I ask every night to see my mum but my mind won’t allow it, which doesn’t make sense because she is constantly on my mind.
I do keep coming across white feathers at work when I’m mopping up though but maybe some of the residents have feathers in their pillows/duvets. I’d like to think it was her dropping them for me to see them lol.
I will tell you something strange that happened though, I got a letter the other day about her estate from her bank (she doesn’t have one) where I’m supposed to call them and tell them what’s what (omg I was so angry they sent me that letter so many months after she had passed, I did not need to come home from work to that so obviously that made me upset again)
I have been putting off collecting her death certificate which is the last thing I needed to do. Anyway I was walking home and a white feather floated past me and blew into the car park of the register office. It was like it was leading me there you know maybe just fell off a bird and it was a coincidence that it blew into the car park. But isn’t it weird lol
I am trying not to believe in coincidences because surely everything I’ve witnessed can’t always be down to coincidence.
No I don’t think that’s a coincidence.
It’s to bring you comfort and guidance . That what I always think anyway . I find them too .
The dreams are comforting - I’ve had a lot now .
Feeling ungrounded is completely normal according to counsellor .
You lost your mum suddenly like I did my Dad and it’s like they have been snatched away . It’s horrible . They were our foundations and we now feel lost .
Have you thought about the bereavement counselling ? I had a session yesterday . It was hard but you get to talk it all through and it’s a safe space . ? It may help With these feelings we are having … xx
I had bereavement counselling around 8 weeks after she passed and it didn’t really do anything for me. I did get told it could be because it was too soon so maybe going back and trying again is something to consider?
It just seems so cruel to have them taken from us within a blink of an eye! Feel like the rugs been swept from under my feet.
Sometimes I think I’m coping better then I feel like I’ve lost her all over again, it’s definitely a roller-coaster!
I still get moments of pure disbelief that she is really gone and I can’t stand when I see something she’d like in shops and think oh she would love this then the realisation sets in.
I haven’t been able to go my Grans as much this week due to the weather conditions so that’s causing me a lot of stress and worry. Especially with her telling me she’s been poorly for the last couple of days. Been having migraines!
She was telling me her eyes are getting worse and is scared of going blind, but she hasn’t had an eye test for ages and has had the same glasses for a long long time so I told her to ring the opticians, she told me I was being bossy but she did as she was told!
My auntie (mums sister) is hard to deal with, she’s got learning difficulties of some sort and I find I don’t have much patience with her and end up being mean to her even though I really shouldn’t but I even get mad at my mum and I end up shouting “what have you left me with”
Then I get consumed with guilt and that turns into guilt for not doing more to save her, I feel at a loss at the moment.
You’re so hard on yourself xx
I can relate to all that you have said . Those feelings .
I think anger is natural too - you have been dealt a terrible loss …
Counselling isn’t for everyone so I will see how it goes and keep you informed .
I wish there was more I could say to help . Hopefully the good days will increase again soon … so more good than bad xx
I am aware anger is a natural part of it but I’ve gone crazy angry, I feel as though it’s only a matter of time until I end up lashing out but I cannot seem to control it. But I know it’s wrong and I need to change that. Anger management is on the cards for me!
When I went before it just felt like every session was the same discussion and felt like we was going around in circles. Every week I just told her how much I was missing my Mum and what I think I could have done to save her.
I got fed up of her drawing the grief cycle diagram to lol I remember sitting there thinking that’s not the order I’m going in, it’s all over the blooming place lol which I know is normal.
One good thing I got out of it was that I was offered complimentary treatments at the end where I had back massages and reflexology and looking back after my pamper sessions I did seem to be a lot more calmer!
The therapist told me I could come back for another 6 sessions a few months after, so I may take her up on that offer and once that’s done with I’ll have to find somewhere they offer these services and will pay for it myself.
The reflexology really did help as it’s meant to help with our chakras not that it’s proven we actually have them mind lol x
My sister in law is into the crystals and chakras and stuff … she lives her life by it !
Hey- maybe you could take up
Boxing . I have a feeling you’d be very good at it !
Xx
Haha boxing sounds good to get all this pent up anger out of my system.
I used to go to the gym and do les Mills body combat classes and boy did I love it.
I have always struggled with my emotions and it did help. I would love to join the gym and do it again but I feel too tired to do anything when I’m not at work right now.
Also the commute to and from the gym puts me off with the weather we’ve been having lol
Hi Jess,
I suggest you talk to Laura who is getting it via Sur Ryder.
The things you are describing, anger, guilt, sadness, frustration, anxiety, these are all symptoms of complex grief.
Complex grief is what it is, complex, and it needs expert counselling, and you need to work through this process before it has a long term damaging effect on your health.
Believe it or not I had learning difficulties when I was young, and it made learning the basics of life very difficult and put me back decades(thinking of your ant) it gave me access to Finchale residential training college in Durham were I studied electronic servicing in 1990.
Know I am learning new things all the time in a range of subjects and learning faster in my 60’s then I have ever learnt and you could say I am a very late developer, and in some ways it is compensating me for loss of mum.
Sorry about your gran, that is a worry I know, did Mr Robin feed from your hand?, lovely photograth by the way, you should take wedding pictures.
Get some proper help Jess, talk to Laura, for your own sake and everyone elses.
I did mention that I have already had bereavement counselling, which I might explore again at some point.
No not feeding from my hand yet I haven’t been round to see it unfortunately, it’s been too cold and deadly out there. I have a phobia of slipping on the ice
As for anger management believe me I definitely need it I’ve always been short tempered but obviously losing my mum has made it worse!
Sometimes it’s like my brain just can’t accept that she’s gone!
Jess, let me tell you a secret, I used to be very short tempered indeed, and like most of us, did things I was not proud of aftertwards.
You have reason to be frustrated, you are having to work with idiots in a job you hate for one,(I have been there,trise) you lost your mum suddenly and that is a huge thing to come to terms with, and on top of that everyone blames you when things go wrong.
Yes, I can understand why you feel the urge to lash out.
Please tell me was this a self defence unarmed combat thing you did in the Gym?, sounds like what they tough SOE operatives during the war, those ladies became expert at killing German soldiers…with their bear hands!!, that, is a fact.
Getting you to do ju-jitsu was a good idea Jess, give you good exercise, discipline and self defence and more girls know then ever are being taught self defence, signs of the times sadly, the world is in an arms race and that’s a fact of life.
If you are upto something like ti boxing then take it up, it will give you something to vent your frustrations on as well as make you tougher and stronger, that will also help you to cope with the knocks of life, you can probably be quite physical when you want to be and I am sure you would find it fun as well as make new friends, you need something to lift your spirits and give you purpose in life.
Try to enjoy your day, blessings to all including your adorable fur babies.
Hi Charyll, that is both very sweet, and very sad, and clearly jack is missing your mum as much as you are and it shows how animals bond to people.
But your mum has not abandoned you, she walks in spirit with you every day, the body is just a vehicle, or are physical presence in the world, but it is spirit and soul that gives life to the flesh, and that is what are true entity is, the body will fail and die, but WE do not, and neither has your mum, and in the fullness of time we will be reunited with our mums when we leave the earth plane.
Thank you for the pictures, they are sad, yet charming, enjoy your weekend.
maybe just fell off a bird and it was a coincidence that it blew into the car park. But isn’t it weird lol
but she did as she was told!
