Hi Kate, Have been finding things worse this week than before, don’t know why, I guess like everyone else the news of what is happening is affecting all, but I found this week I have gone back to the thoughts of what happened to Jean, but I don’t want those thoughts, but I just can’t stop them, and it is so upsetting, I had hoped to start counselling as my doctor recommended it, but they have stopped all counselling, everything seems to be going wrong at the moment.
Richard xx
I know Richard, it’s all pretty rubbish, isn’t it? I’m glad you have your good friend. You’re in the very early days of grief but I promise you it does get easier. Don’t get me wrong, we will grieve forever but we learn to live with it until our grief becomes a part of who we are now. My husband is still a massive presence in my life and that’s how he will remain.
With regards to counselling, have you thought of using the counselling service available on this site? I can’t say I know much about it but I’m know others have used it and spoken well of it. Perhaps you may find it helpful. Maybe email Priscilla to find out more.
It’s a beautiful day today Richard so I’m off outside to cut my grass. Is gardening something you enjoy? It’s very therapeutic. Take care and if you’re feeling particularly low, do please come on here. Don’t suffer alone. We’re all here to listen and be listened to. Much love x
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This is the Sue Ryder link Richard if you’re interested…
Kate, I have been sitting in the garden this morning and that was a special place for Jean she loved her garden so much, we have a summer house that she adored, and it is these moments that hit home with me, I cut the grass in the week, but I have quite a lot of tidying up to do but can’t do it at the moment.
Richard xx
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Kate, Sorry meant to thank you for the Sue Ryder link.
Richard xx
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There’s no rush Richard. Take your time. It’s strange that beautiful sunshine often makes us miss our loved ones more (if that’s even possible). I’ve just come in because I went to start the mower and the pull cord broke - damn it! 
My husband could have fixed that - grrrhhhh! 🤦
Never mind, I’ll go visit a friends instead. She messaged earlier. We’ll sit in garden and be sure to keep a ‘social distance’ 
xx
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Richard, it would seem that the link isn’t working as fully booked but there is an email address to contact:
online.counselling@sueryder.org
Kate, Thank you,
Richard xx
Crazy kate, I do have a good friend and it is you, your always there for me when I need to talk to someone like tonight when I have the worst day of my life, and I don’t know why today has been so bad, nothing I could do today would make me feel better, and I don’t know why, five weeks tomorrow that I lost Jean, and I still cannot believe that I am saying this, it just seems so unreal that Jean is not here with me anymore, I know you have all had your loss, but it seems that your the only one that is grieving, and I find it so hard to cope at the moment, I just wish I could have some more time with her to tell her how much I loved her, even though she knew.
God bless Kate
Richard xx
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Hi, your last 4 lines are exactly how I feel.
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Dear Richard, you’re very sweet. However, you have many good friends on this site, believe me. I’m afraid that some days are worse than others and even after two and a half years I still have my dark times but mostly I am ok. You can do this Richard and you will. Your Jean will always be with you. I agree it does seem unreal and still does for me too. The way you are feeling is totally understandable and recognisable to most of us on here, but I promise you it will ease with time. I won’t lie though, our grief never leaves us fully nor would I want it to. I like that my husband is on my mind constantly.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond sooner Richard, but the truth is that I’ve had a few decent night’s sleep - finally! I’m afraid sleep is the one thing that remains a bit hit and miss.
Stay strong Richard. Much love x
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I think we can all relate to that Flower_garden. Oh just to hold his face in my hands and kiss it all over telling him how much I love him. Richard’s right though, they knew, they know. 
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hi sorry i have took so long to reply. your not alone with how you are feeling i feel the same. i think we all go through a stage where we think would it be better just to go and be with our loved ones. What if we do and we dont get to be with them god gave us life to live. I have had a hard few days since fetching chips ashes, seeing the man i loved and cuddled in a tube being carried to me in a bag was devastating. i hold his ashes in bed with me as if i am cuddling him, to me its better then not having him. memories are flooding me and the only way i can explain it my heart feels sick. I fear thinking because im scared of the pain. i have spent the last two days in the house i have had my family but i feel so alone. its not company i miss its chip. I dont know how to live with out him the same as you dont know how to live with out jean why? because we lived for them and with them now we are lost. some days i feel i cant breath i dont want this anymore. then i have days where i carry chip with me and feel he can experience what i am doing and seeing. i told my daughter this morning i just want to hug him, she said mom what if he is here stood watching u now and he feels the same that he wants to hug u what if he is seeing me so sad. i know that would make him sad and i dont want that. I have feelings i cant explain there are no words i want to shout, cry, kick off ,sleep. i have no doubt u feel the same Richard. This is a hard road we have to travel now and it makes it worse because we have to travel it alone. I know ur heart is broken but you must live for Jean x
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could u open one at least we can have direct chats. u need a sounding board and a friend x
Dear Richard
I am one of those people currently working from home - and read your post at lunchtime and ended up in tears. There are many of us who read the posts but only reply when we feel we have something to offer. I lost my wonderful husband ten months ago and rarely a day goes by without some tears -and as everyone says some days will be much worse than others. I rarely have the physical pain around my heart that I had all the time initially - that describes how we are truly heartbroken- but I still get it sometimes when I am having a bad day. I carried on for my children and knowing Gary would have said to me ‘Come on woman you are the strong one’. It does not mean that I do not talk to him everyday asking him for help - telling him how much I miss him and because he was taken so suddenly and unexpectedly whilst I was at work I really did have no chance to say goodbye. Our last conversation was a hurried call asking about dinner. Oh how I wish I had spent more time talking to him instead of rushing back to my desk. But I know he loved me with all his heart and I know he knew that I loved him the same way. I am not sure it ever feels real - time has no meaning here apart from we learn to carry on - progress is very slow initially and the only way I got up and got through the day was to make a list - a stupid list like empty the dishwasher, do the bins - stuff that did not need to be on a list but if I ticked something off it kind of helped me. Ten months on and I still cannot listen to music, go to restaurants we went to together, watch tv programmes we watched together. Still too painful. And people talk about signs that they are still with you. Sometimes they are very subtle - but they are there - a lot of people on this site will tell you about them. A sign for me was as I opened the kitchen door yesterday a pure white feather blew in and landed in front of me on the kitchen floor. He knows I am worried about this new virus as I have been telling him so and writing to him in my journal and I saw that as a sign he was with us. Please try writing in a journal - it helps so much - I write as if I am talking to him - but when I look back my writing at the start was almost a scribble. And his ashes - I keep in a beautiful box next to me in the bedroom - I was going to think about scattering them - but I want to keep him close to me.
You really are not alone - this site and all the kindness and wisdom I found here was my saviour. It is very early days for you. And of course your lovely wife knew how much you loved her - and continue to love her - keep telling her - I keep telling Gary -and I keep a picture of him in a locket round my neck which I constantly touch and talk to. I had him for forty years - and I am so grateful for that - I know he was taken far too soon and I still do not think future - it is still a day at a time. I found a wonderful friend on this site and we talk every day -usually for at least an hour - we support each other as we just know how the other is feeling! Please take care xx
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Trisha i feel like i could have wrote your words myself, what you have said is so true i write to chip every night it honestly helps. its been 4 weeks now his ashes are either with me in the front room or in my bedroom with photos and fairy lights around him. i have almost completed one journal already. Some nights i think i haven’t got much to say then i start writing and it just flows. keeping busy is the key. so yes the list to do is a brilliant idea. Richard is struggling and he needs a lot of help. I hope he knows there is always someone to chat to we all have days where we just dont come on to the site, But someone will be here. I thank god for this site sharing the pain the emotions and being able to talk to people who understand is a great comfort
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Hi Richard I am so pleased you have come back to us. And pleased that you have a good friend to help you. Life will seem like rubbish at the moment and nothing will make any sense but this is part of grief and what we have to suffer because of knowing true and lasting love. Seems cruel I know. Your not alone
xx
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Dear Karie
You too are in early days - and you will find you make a wee bit of progress and then some memory comes from nowhere and it just floors you. There is still so much I cannot do - but there are other things I have tackled and I know he would be so proud of me. My lovely children are amazing and for that I am also blessed. We always said if we never achieved anything else - we have produced two children to be proud of - and boy am I proud of them now - and would do nothing to hurt them further. They miss their dad so much too.
Take care xxx
we didn’t have children together. but he was my daughters step dad and a fantastic granddad. i feel we all lost so much. Do you feel there was so much more left t do?
TrishaF, Thank you for your kind words, and I am so sorry for your loss, I am probably like everyone else finding life even more difficult having to stay safe at the moment, which has made things a whole lot worse for myself because now I rarely see anyone all day, Had to go to the shops today to stock up, so I hope to be ok for a while, keep yourself safe and well.
Richard xx
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