@Liro
Everything you have said here is the exact same as i felt, the day after my beloved Anna’s Funeral. I just felt completely lost & broken. Arranging the funeral & concentrating on getting everything just how she had requested kept me focused for a few weeks but once it had passed i was left feeling trapped in a void. I felt this way until i collected her ashes 5 days later from the Funeral Directors & once I’d got home i felt strangely comforted by having her back with me. I had ordered a beautiful hand made porcelain & aluminium engraved urn that they had placed her ashes in as the ones on offer didn’t match the standard i felt she deserved, i was so pleased when i first saw it, it was expensive but well worth the cost involved. All of us have lost someone close to us, all in varying circumstances, we are all dealing with our loss in different ways & what helps for some, may not help for others, all we can do is share our experiences with each other & hope that something shared may help.
Please continue to remember how much Love you had for Roger & the Love he had for you, he would want you to go on & live your life for the both of you, i know that’s what my Anna would be saying to me, i focus my attention on our two grown up children & our two amazing Granddaughters.
You are still very early on in your grief journey & you have to give yourself time to adapt to things moving forward.
Hopefully when you receive Rogers ashes back you will feel the wretchedness you are feeling now lift & find some comfort however small. I feel your pain & am always open to receiving messages should you wish to vent your frustrations.
Love & Hugs xx
Derek 
Hi starbright. Thanks for caring
My daughter and son -in - law and 2 of my Grandaughters came with me to the cemetery to put the flowers we brought back from the Crematorium on some of the family graves.
This afternoon I spent with 3 friends, we’ve been meeting on Saturday afternoons for years, even when Roger was very ill he insisted I went, although I couldnt leave him so I had to make up some reason why I couldnt.
But now I’m home, alone. I feel like I’m back to square one. I’ve come to bed, ridiculously early, but there’s nothing to stay up for. Maybe I’ll even get a bit of sleep tonight
People mean well but they really dont know the pain and hopelessness. I hope you have at least some support now and after Tuesday
Take care, love and hugsx x
Thankyou so much Derek
I really don’t know how I’m going to get through this but I know I’ve got to try. Roger wouldnt want me to give up. He wanted me to carry on and I promised I would. I just didn’t know how hard it was going to be.
Roger wanted his ahes scattered but he didn’t say where so I’ve got to think about that. I’ve thought of a lot of places he loved but then I’d have to leave him behind and I can’t do that again. I had to leave him behind yesterday and it hurts so much.
My family have been really good but they dont understand how low I am.
I know I’ve got to pick myself up and carry on but I dont know if I can.
Tomorrow they’re taking me to watch my son-in-law run the London Landmarks half marathon so that will be a good distraction,
But I’ll still have to come back to an empty house. Thats the hard part, no matter how I distract myself I have to end up alone.
Thanks for listening, it certainly helps to share
Love and hugs
Liz x x
@Liro
Anna had left me instructions in a letter she had left for me that she wanted me to keep her ashes with me until my time came & then both of our Children could decide where to place us together.
You are 100% right, the returning to an empty house is the most difficult part, we were never apart for a day in 31 years so that really hit me hard & being honest I’m still struggling with it.
I have a distraction whilst I’m out at work but as soon as my working day has finished I’m back to an empty home.
I can only hope that as time progresses i become more used to being on my own but at the moment it is very hard to deal with.
I agree it is good to share our experiences with others, any little bit of help or support we can offer will hopefully help others in the same dark place. Drop me a message anytime, always happy to listen xx
Thankyou
It really does help to talk to others who are going through the same and this forum is helping me. Nobody judging and saying come on you’ve got to get on with it now, you can do it, chin up, etc etc.
I know they mean well but until theyve been in this position they really can’t know how we feel. The pain, the loneliness, the hopelessness, the helplessness, the feeling that you just really dont want to go on.
I know I must go on. I have a wonderful caring, supportive family but even they dont really understand how desperately wretched I feel. They are trying so hard to distract me, including me in whatever they do and texting and phoning when they’re at work, checking I’m ok. But I still get the impression that they think I shouldnt be crying so much now and that I’ve got to move on. Easier said than done!
I do know I’m lucky to have the love and support of family and friends, so many on this forum are facing this alone. I wish I could help them all.
Love and hugs
Liz xx
Hi everyone.
Well I’ve had my day out watching my son-in-law run in the London half marathon, it was nice, quite hectic rushing around London by tube or on foot so we could wave at him at varying points. It was extremely tiring, hope that means I’ll sleep tonight.
Then wham, I came home and walked into an empty house. Straight away it hit me and now I’m a wreck again. When will I ever get used to this. The lonliness and despair just go on and on
Glad that youve had a busy day spent with people who care about you. Don’t bank on being able to sleep though…
I finished my decorating yesterday and taught myself to use Steve’s drill to put shelves up, getting advice from the tool shop. I’m on my own and need to do these things, the drill was one thing I’d never tried before. Cracked it.
So, tonight I can move back into the back bedroom, which I have claimed so I don’t need to sleep in the room I shared with Steve.
Now I’m exhausted again, lying on the sofa watching TV. Why not? We can do whatever we like.
Youre right there. No one to disapprove, no one to chivvy us on.
I know I’m lucky to have family and friends that care, but it makes no difference once I come into this empty house. I’m alone with my thoughts and my pain. I’m getting desperate to even dream of Roger, although I know I’ll break my heart when I wake, I just want to feel close to him again if only in my dreams
Youre right there. No one to disapprove, no one to chivvy us on.
I know I’m lucky to have family and friends that care, but it makes no difference once I come into this empty house. I’m alone with my thoughts and my pain. I’m getting desperate to even dream of Roger, although I know I’ll break my heart when I wake, I just want to feel close to him again if only in my dreams
@Liro it’s great that your son in law completed the marathon - it sounds like a good sort of distracting day. The empty house must be tough. I haven’t had to deal with that yet but will once I’m back at work after the funeral.
@SadGirlfriend I am seriously impressed with you mastering putting up shelves! This is the sort of thing I feel utterly useless about doing.
I hope everyone has got through the weekend as well as they can xx
Thanks Starbright. I’m really proud of Paul he’s also doing the full London Marathon and the London to Brighton bike ride when he’ll be joined by my daughter. He’s raising money in my husbands memory for the Ellenor Hospice. Hes already raised over £1000.
The Ellenor was where Roger spent his last 5 days, they were absolutely fantastic. The care for both of us was out of this world.
I dont know if I’ll ever get used to coming home to an empty house but I hope it’ll get easier. 
I’ve got my week planned so I’ll have something to do every day, I need to be busy, but the lonliness and despair is still there when I stop
I’m going to try to sleep now ans see if I can dream of Roger
I’m thinking of you today starbright and hope everything goes well
Love and hugs
Liz
Thank you for thinking of me. Yesterday was exhausting but it all went smoothly and the service was lovely. I did keep expecting him to just turn up at his farewell party but I hope that means his spirit was with us in some way.
Today I feel so flat. There was lots of positive talk yesterday and undertakings to do things/visit people were made by me. The reality is much harder though and I know I will have to work hard not to just curl up at home and feel sad forever.
I hope everyone on this awful journey with me is feeling the best they can today xx
Hi, you won’t curl up and feel sad forever. But it is OK to do that for a while if you need to. I’m further along the path than you but I do know exactly how you feel and I also know that it will subside. I probably pushed myself too much in those dark early days and literally had to give myself permission sometimes to do absolutely nothing! Sometimes I think we fall into a trap of trying to match the expectations of others who want us to ‘be brave’ and ‘move on’ . We are braver than anyone knows and we will find a different life. A good life hopefully, but in our own time. First and foremost, look after you. Much love x
Thank You for your reply I am pleased i was able to help
@starbright
I’m so glad everything went well yesterday.
I’m afraid reality is now hitting, as it did for me last Saturday.
Now the funeral is over its as if my grieving had started all over again. Before I had the funeral to focus on, now what?
Today I heard that Rogers ashes are ready, but I’m not.
You just do what you fel like starbright. One step at a time
@liro I’m sorry the funeral has done a factory reset for you. I expect I will find the same over the next few days. I’m not sure how I feel about collecting Paul’s ashes either. Part of me wants them here with me but it will be daunting collecting them and being confronted with reality again. I’m ok in my whimsical world where I have conversations with his favourite scarf for now. Do you have someone to go with you to collect them when you feel ready?
Thankyou @starbright.
I was going to collect them tomorrow but I’m going to my sisters for a couple of weeks and don’t want to leave him home alone. My undertaker Helen is lovely and she is going to look after him until I get back. I think my Grandaughter will come with me when I go to collect him, if not my best friend will. I really don’t know how I feel about having Roger at home. He wants to be scattered but he didnt say where. I’ll have a think while I’m away.
I hope you don’t find it too hard now. We will all get yhrough and make a new start, its just going to be so hard. I’m just trying to keep busy.
Hi @starbright . Hope youre coping ok.
I’m still finding it very hard. Today is our Anniversary and I didnt know how I’d be, I was struggling this morning, but then a robin came into my garden so I’m telling myself Roger had come to say Happy Anniversary .
I hope you’re doing ok