i have flashbacks of my husband sometimes
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@MemoriesOfUs
I agree I feel obligated too but I tried to honour his memory at Xmas and that went badly as I was a complete mess so Iām unsure what I am actually capable of doing that day other than hope it passes quickly.
24th June is not that far away 
time is like quicksand, I donāt even know where 12mths has gone yet itās weird, it feels like yesterday he left but also a different lifetime ago (this is my crossroads we were talking about). Heās further and further away
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I threw a red rose in the canal near where we live ā¦ found it a very emotional day tbh ā¦ i wanted him back but i cant have him can i ? 
thats the part thats hard to accept i found ! Hope it goes ok for you but dont be suprised if it gets emotional. Its s significant day isnt it ? I did go out with my mum clothes shopping though so that helped Xxx
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@LynT I also struggled with Xmas and her birthday - in fact this year seems to have been far worse than last year somehow.
I know itās going to be a bad day no matter what I do
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@MemoriesOfUs I had his birthday just after Xmas too, just awful, I was unable to comprehend wtf has happened to me. I also think we are fighting subconsciously to hold on to them knowing eventually the letting go is going to come. Itās a complete head f##k isnāt itā¦
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I think I would have just thrown myself in the canal lol and put me out of this perpetual misery
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My mind is my worst enemy, just lately wherever I am and see another couple I think āone of you is going to go before the other and you have no idea what will hit youā how sad is that? I no longer see happy couples I just see the loss they are going to face
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Lol ā¦ mmm couldnt leave it for ages ā¦ had puppy with me anyway hard innit. We have to hope we can still have a life dont we ? Some days 15 months into this im ok and other days are still hard ā¦ its a rollercoaster x
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I dont - i see couples and i think its not fair you got your man and i havent ! xx
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@Deb5 I was talking to a neighbour and she was telling me her husband has retired and they are planning all what they are going to do. I just listened thinking really? you think you are both going to be around then do youā¦well so did Iā¦cynical I know but experience is knowledge and I donāt now take anything for granted with regards to the future. The same neighbour said you are still young and could meet someone, I just agreed but my mind was shouting out no way do I want to go through this again! I canāt lose another partner
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Yeh i know, you just have to go for whatever makes you happy ! If its shown us anything its that we have to live for the here and now xx
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I know people do move on and meet someone else and even remarry but I would constantly be comparing because I had found my āoneā so how do you 2nd best? That sounds awful I know but thatās how I would feelā¦ unless your feelings change over time but after 20 yrs I doubt I could love someone like I did my husband. There would always be a voidā¦
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I am fortunate that I do have a good social network, I work full time and have good friends and go out a lot but there is an emptiness there that nothing or anyone can fillā¦itās a knowingā¦ part of you is always missing
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Not second best - just different. Anyway u do whats best for you x
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These thoughts torture me Lyn - what on earth is the point if life and its memories if nothing is left. Itās the big mysterious question in life - which no one has been able to answer. I find port quite helpfulā:woozy_face:
x
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@Jazpur me tooā¦I canāt bear the thought of never seeing him again, itās too much for my brain to cope with and my heart will forever be broken. Umm may try a port at the weekend, a change from the G&T and may be stronger to help me sleep. Will need something tomorrow as 1st anniversary of his death, dreading it and planned nothing as I canāt really cope with it
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Hope you get through the day without too much sadness. Thank goodness we have our memories. Thinking of you x
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Itās been almost 2 yrs for me since losing my husband of almost 52 years and itās only now Iāve been able to take some of his clothes to the charity shop. Iāve tried before only to hang things back in the wardrobe. Getting rid of things that we shared or that belonged to him is really gut wrenching but I know it has to be done and youāve been very brave. I took some bags to the charity shop yesterday, came out of the shop in tears and promptly reversed into the car parked behind me. Set me back all over again, eventually drove home and sobbed off and on for most of the rest of the day.
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I have just ordered a new bed too. I feel sad now but i know its for the best but i am sure i will tbink like you i feel guilty ordering it ā¦
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