Christmas day & coping?

Family want me to spend Christmas day Dinner with them at their
In laws. Or book a restaurant
in laws are lovely kind people, why would I want to be the dark cloud in the corner spoiling their day
given the choice, & it is my choice, I would rather be alone on the day.
restaurant sounds like torture surrounded by happy families
Right now that is how I feel, being on my own won’t make me feel any worse (or will it) or better so why spoil everyone else’s day. Am I being selfish?

How will you get through it?

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Quote, " How will you get through it?"

Most people will be with their loved one’s,
I’ll be with mine in the cemetery where I’ve been the past three year’s.

It’s just another day to me like any other, Birthday, Easter, Halloween they don’t exist anymore every day is the same.

Take care.

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I feel for you all on this site. None of us want to be here. But we all need to be. And I’m very thankful to everyone who writes. Because it does help.

This will be my first Christmas. Without my wonderful husband, And I plan to spend it alone.

Family have asked me what I want to do and alone is my choice.
We used to enjoy Christmas. This year I’ll spend it In my husbands memory.
I plan to still put the tree up. It is Our tree. And all the decorations that go on it were chosen together by us both over many years. It just doesn’t feel right not to still put it up.
I’m looking to focus on our past Christmases with fond memories. Yes there will be tears yes it will be painful. Yes I will miss him beyond belief, But I will be in our home. Where he loved to be, where we were at our happiest, he is still is in every room .

It’s what I’d like to do I don’t want to be a party pooper, or feel out of place and alone in a crowd, or have anyone pity me, so at home I will be, enjoying the tree, that’s given us so much pleasure through the years.

I truly hope your all able to find your own way of putting one foot in front of the other over the festive season. Be kind to yourselves.
Hugs chrissy3

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Hi maigret
No your not being selfish. You do what feels right for you. Pleasing others doesnt make you happy and right now happy is a struggle so go with what you want to do.

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I’m sure you will celebrate your memories and cherish them. I would rather be in my own but my 90 yr old Mother expect us to spend it with family. I cannot just have a lunch with her as she lives in sheltered accommodation almost 2 hours away and no dogs are allowed ( I have a rescue dog) I feel we will again somehow impose on my daughter as we did last year. It was the 1st year without my husband & Dad. My 2 yr old grandson will be a comfort & my daughter will feel guilty if J am on my own. I know we will all have tears - silent or not whatever we do as the only one we want to be with has gone. All we have is memories to be treasured :revolving_hearts:

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@Maigret no you are not being selfish you should spend the day however you want to it will be my first without pauline I won’t be celebrating Christmas I will spend it at home with our pets and paulines ashes I’m sure all our lost loved ones will be around us even though we can’t see them sending love and hugs x

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Hi Maigret,
Like you I plan to spend Christmas Day on my own. Despite offers from family and friends I want to be alone with my thoughts and memories. Elaine passed on Christmas Day last year in hospital and I was devastated as I was called to the hospital and when I arrived was seated in a waiting area till Elaine was being made ready. The nurse and doctor reappeared 2 minutes later to tell me that Elaine had just passed away and I never got to be with her at her passing.
So this favourite day of Elaine’s becomes my doomsday. I plan to set the table for two as usual and cook our normal Christmas dinner then sit and reflect on the year of being alone, Hope this doesn’t sound too weird but like you I don’t want to dampen anyone’s day so I will just be alone with my thoughts.

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Dear @nodrog
How desperately sad that you arrived at the hospital probably on time yet the wait may have caused you to miss being with Elaine.
It’s all about timing. If the covid jag had been available just few weeks earlier my dear husband may have survived. Timing.

Music was so very important to us, we shared so many wonderful songs which now make me cry cos the words have taken on a new meaning.

There is a 70’s song that came to mind as I read your words. Roy Wood, my dear Elaine.

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I’m dreading Christmas, my dear husband loved Christmas so much, he would race up the loft the week after our wedding anniversary and my birthday around the end of November and spend 2 days decorating the house, lights in every room, a big tree and 2 little trees in the kids rooms. We always spent Christmas Day at home, just the 4 of us. This year it will be just us 3. It will be so, so hard but I shall decorate the best I can and make our usual dinner, for our kids if for nothing else. I’m not sure how I’ll get the decorations down from the loft (we have 12 boxes of decks plus the tree) but I shall try my best. The children miss their Dad so much that it hurts what’s left of my heart, but I know I have to keep going for them x

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I understand where you coming from I want to be on my own to I have offered to work but after that I would go home but my problem is I have to look after mum so don’t know what to do I understand being around other happy family and couples will be unbearable but they are worried about you and don’t want you to be on your own have you tried talking to them about how you feel ,I don’t think your being selfish x

@Lilyboost It’s such a good thing you are doing, a brave and courageous determination to give your kids a special but what will be a very different Christmas day. I wish you well & hope you manage through the lead up to it & the day itself.
Maigret

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@Yvettea. I think my family & friends will be worried about me but also losing patience in equal measure. Demonstrated by the contact easing off since the initial ‘anything at all you need, just call’.
Life is resuming for them, not for me. I get that. They just don’t understand how deep this pain is & won’t until it happens to them.
I will go see them to do present swap but think better for all if I am left alone, I will not spoil their day which should be a happy celebration for them, doing what makes them happy.

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You have to do what you want, what is right for you ,yes it does soon stop people are always ‘anything you need’ but half of them don’t mean it and the other half get fed up with you breaking down ,that why this site is good because we’re all going through the same or similar grief

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Hi Maigret.

Never heard that song title so will have a search for that tonight. Elaine loved music and in my youthful ignorance she taught me all about classical music and ballet. I have come to terms with the fact she has gone and nothing will bring her back. This leaves a big hole in my live and my heart aches for her sweet voice and soft touch. I listen to music and cry until the tears dry and think that this is my best therapy. One of Elaine’s favourite songs was The Rose, sung by Bette Midler, which we payed at Elaine’s funeral. This song I cannot yet face but is in a diminishing list of demons I am working through such as our favourite shops, garden centers, cafes etc.which I visit and cross off my mental list. I know I have a long way to go, if ever, before my grief is sated.
Elaine had various illnesses and knew she was on borrowed time and long before she passed she told me to be brave, strong and carry on with my life. If only she knew what life would be like without her she may have doubted my capabilities to honour her wishes. However, one day at a time is a good start so on I go day after day. Take care and be strong and thank you for sharing.

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Gordon, it’s awful that you didn’t get to be with your wife when she passed, I was lucky because I was allowed to stay with my Eileen from the moment she was unresponsive, I was with her when she received the last rites along with my family

Myself and my 2 sons were allowed to stay in the room she was in and we were all there when she passed away, it was a sad moment but I was glad that we were allowed to be with her right to the end, I can’t imagine how I would have felt if she had passed away all alone, it must be devastating.

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Hi

Sorry for your loss It will be my first Christmas without my partner and I just want it over and done with dreading it so much. It has already started christmas stuff in all the shops people asking what I’m going to do . We both loved Christmas and I really cant do it without him. I want to just stay home on my own and let it pass but I know people won’t want me to do that. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me I just want to be left to get on with it like I am for the rest of the year. This is such a hard journey I wonder what my future life can be without him I really don’t want to do it at times but I have no choice .

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Hi Ang12
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband, you should do what you want at Christmas, don’t feel pressured into anything, this is my first Christmas without my dearest husband, but I have my children to concentrate on. My mother in law has spent Christmas Day on her own since she lost her husband 6 years ago, since then she lost her middle son 3 years ago and now her youngest son (my husband) 2 month ago. It’s is her choice to do as she wishes and that’s what you should do. I understand that our friends and family care and worry but nothing helps and sometimes the added pressure of people is just too much. Take care and do what’s best for you x

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Dear @Maigret,
I have to agree with @Bristles, every day now is just the same - long, lonely and tortuous. On my first Christmas last year, I spent 2 or 3 hours in the evening with friends and their two young sons, putting on a happy face, but wanting so much just to have my wife. But when I came home to the silence, that’s when it hits. My wife loved Christmas, always spent hours cooking Christmas dinner for both of us. I’ve been thinking about this Christmas for the last couple of weeks. I’m dreading the day (and the season) again, and suspect this year will be more difficult than last year. I’d be “happy” just to curl up in my armchair, pull a duvet over me and pray for the day to be over as soon as possible.

Last year, @amelie_sgran started a thread about lighting a candle on Christmas Eve in memory of our loved ones. I think that would be a good thing to do this year again. The thread is here: Lighting a Christmas Eve Candle.

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I’m totally in the same boat as Alston56.

What’s the point now?

I have zero motivation with practically everything except eating a little something each day and where that comes from heaven knows.

It will be my fourth year alone and every one has been as bad as the first without exception, for me personally it will always be. Roll on that duvet.

As to candles, I light four tea lights religiously every single night and have done since my wife’s passing, 3x 4hr and 1x8hr that includes one for my son, God bless them all and everyone.

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This will be my 5th Christmas without my lovely husband. I have spent the previous ones with my grownup children & grandchildren - but really wanting to spend it on my own. This year I’ve insisted I want to do my own thing. I’ll visit them all in the morning, but then want to come home & have Christmas doing what I want to do. I really do think we have to do what is best for us without feeling selfish or guilty.

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