Hello everyone. I’ve never used any kind of forum before but yesterday felt so desperate that I searched for something where I might find someone else who is going through something similar.
I, like some others, am choosing to spend Christmas alone ( although I’m lucky to have my collie dog ). I don’t feel a very nice person at present, I feel so angry with people who are enjoying themselves and able to feel pleasure.
My husband died in August at 60 years of age after a year of increasing disability. He was my partner, my best friend and quite honestly the only one I needed. I always said I was someone who was happy to be alone, but that was because he was there somewhere so it was fine for me to spend the day with just the dog.
We were married for 26 years and chose not to have children.
I have a sister and stepdaughter who have been very supportive and various friends but find that being with other people makes things worse. It seems to twist the knife in the wound and serves to highlight the difference. They are interested in things, take pleasure in things. These days even when it’s not raining I look at a beautiful sky, note that it is beautiful and feel nothing. No lifting of the spirits, no joy in it as I would have felt.
I’m trying to hang on to the idea that one day I may feel some pleasure again and in the nearer future that Christmas will be over soon.
You can’t even escape it even on radio 4
Does anyone else feel like strangling the next shop assistant who cheerily asks you are you all prepared and wishes you a Happy one? Alternatively I feel like telling them the whole story. Equally inappropriate! So far have resisted.
In some awful way it feels good to know other people are going through something similar. My best wishes to you all.
I know how you feel I was the same I found this site and it is good to speak to people who totally understand nobody around you at the moment truly understands what you feel. I like to believe that our loved ones are beside us watching us and guiding us leaving signs that they are close I read your life after their death by Karen noe it did give me a little comfort but not a lot does at the moment you wake up thinking why what’s the reason and the future path seems blocked xx
Thank you for your reply. I am glad that you find comfort in the idea of your loved one guiding you and being close.
I am however a very convinced atheist and a scientist. I spent many years disentangling the religion I was brought up to believe It was a difficult thing to do, what we are taught when we are young is resistant to change. Anyway I did that work and there is no way back.
I knew when my partner died that’s he was gone, the life he had which was far too short was over , he no longer exists in any form.
I know the idea comforts some people and that’s good as we all need comfort to get us through but for me, even could I believe it, the idea of him desperately wanting to be with me and having to watch me suffer is rather horrid.
It’s so hard isn’t it,
we’re all so different and what comforts some hurts others. In the end we’re stuck with who we are. I’m a rational loaner who was incredibly lucky to find a soulmate, someone I could talk to about ideas, about science and about music. All that is gone now and I miss it so much.
Once again thank you for replying, I wish you all the best.
Hello Lind. You should read ‘Proof of Heaven’ written by Eben Alexander, a neuro surgeon. Like you, a scientist. Really worth a read…xx
I’m pretty much with you in that I describe myself as a humanist. I don’t have any problem with how people look for comfort. I have a very open mind and would be prepared to accept anything that has tangible proof or is backed up by good empirical research. I do sometimes think I could have a spiritual dimension but it doesn’t seem to fit with many of the ideas expressed on the forum. It usually relates to music, art, scenery, good writing etc and it is something that maybe feeds my soul. I often wonder if it’s the correct terminology.
I guess the idea of soul carries with it religious ideas but certainly good music, beautiful scenery, fantastic writing or just interesting ideas used to have the effect on me, which for lack of a different words I might describe as lifting the soul. Unfortunately since my husband’s death I can recognise beauty but not get that lift that used to accompany it. As far as music goes I hope one day that I will be again be able to listen to Mahler, Beethoven, Rachmaninov etc but at present I can’t even contemplate putting them on. They were the passion we shared and the pain they, with their direct route to our emotional centres, cause would be unbearable.
One day in the car Brahms alto rhapsody came on and I had to stop the car and howl.
The book I would recommend is the Richard Dawkins one. The god delusion. As I said in my previous post I had to take belief apart so have thought very long and hard about it. Richard Dawkins argues it very well but I had come to the same conclusions long before he wrote it.
At present all I need is to get through this ghastly season. 10 days and it will all be over for another year.
Hope things go as well as they can for you
It did surprise me somewhat when Dawkins used the word ’ soul’ in the title of one of his books. He is always an interesting read.
But he is always so nasty about it. (Dawkins)
Raymond Tallis is much more to my taste.
Here’s a taster
Can’t believe anything Tallis says. He has the misfortune to be born over the hill on the dark side.
Seriously I quite like some of his writing. Bit more gravitas than Dawkins.
Thanks for the link. I thought it was very interesting and provided a useful checklist.
I also thank you for the link. I know Dawkins can be abrasive but his arguments are good. I liked the Tallis and hadn’t read it before. He raises the idea of consciousness but needs to discuss it further. Modern thinking suggests that consciousness is a natural development of , in the sense of a consequence of the ability to think in very abstract ways ( that’s not putting it very well). A consciousness of one’s action and to some extent of the consequences of actions is also observable in animals, not even just primates and as such does not distinguish us from them.
Don’t know where I’m going with this , anyway it’s nice to be prompted to think instead of just hurt. Am so fed up with hurting and miss the prompts to explore ideas. Sounds horribly pompous I think, too much wine in n attempt to drown out the pin.
Anyone else recognise that need?
I use Lagavulin or Talisker but it’s more an addiction I think. I’ve found chocolate quite useful as well.
I just miss conversation. I’ve not spoken to anyone all day. I didn’t even unlock the door.
What an interesting turn this thread has taken!
I haven’t read as extensively as some of you but I do know without a shadow of doubt that something intangible has helped me get through the days since Barry died. I do not have as strong a faith as I would wish and on the bad days the doubts come calling but I choose to believe that life has to have some purpose…the sheer complexity of our own bodies cannot just be ascribed to evolution, the music of the great composers cannot just have been random juxtaposition of notes and the beauty that still exists in the world was not painted by a human hand!!!
Most importantly, each and everyone of us on this site, has known the greatest gift of all…that of true mutually reciprocated love…and that love still continues within us. Christmas without our loved ones is very hard…watching others who are still enjoying what we once had is bitter-sweet…but if we look further than the commercial cacophony of today’s Christmas we might yet find that peace for which we are all searching.
Wherever you are and whatever you do, whether you are with family, with friends or on your own I hope that your Christmas will bring loving memories and an element of comfort… take care x
Thank you Lind, YorkshireLad, Edwin and Amelie’sgran, for your interesting conversation - I’ve enjoyed reading your posts. Xx
I can understand the not opening the door, the addiction to what I’m thinking are whiskies? and the lack of conversation. I did get conversation yesterday but unfortunately everyone wants to talk about what they’re doing for Christmas or else exactly what colour they’re thinking of painting the walls in their conservatory. The former resulted in me ending up howling for hours nd the letter fills me with despair. How did I get to this place? I miss my funny, gentle, intelligent husband so much and am so filled with anger that he didn’t get to live into old age.
I want to scream at the world. I’m glad for those of you who find comfort in the idea of something else out there but I do not believe it and find no difficulty in understanding how the music of great composers or the wonders of the natural world have evolved.
Although I find the idea impossible at present I do at some level still believe that bereavement and grief is a natural process and that we will one day get through it. In the meantime take care of yourselves in the best way you can and maybe just maybe we’ll get through this horrible Christmas season. Won’t guarantee however that I might not attack the next person I see wearing a cheery jumper with a protruding antler!
I’ve just been reading an interesting article in Guardian online about recovery from various things including bereavement.
Today I’m going to catch the bus up the Dale and walk back through the Bolton Abbey Estate and hopefully then onwards to home. The bus only runs 3 days each week. I can’t stay in again, although I did finish my book and bake a fruit cake. I think the heavy rain may not return today.
I haven’t got angry with anyone or anything about Christmas. As I’ve always tried hard to avoid it then it remains a bit of an irrelevance for me but I smile and join in with family as I don’t want to spoil it for them. I’m not a person who gets angry anyway. My wife used to check to see if I had a pulse.
I wouldn’t have said I’m an angry person either but losing my husband has left me feeling very angry. I know life’s not fair but he didn’t deserve the illness that robbed him of his life far too soon. He had so much more to give and I wanted to have some retirement with him. He was very accepting but I’m still raging at the fates.
Enjoy your walk it sounds a good thing to do.
I’m going for a cello lesson though I’ve been thinking all morning about cancelling. It will be better for me to go.
Not having a family I don’t have to worry about spoiling things for them. I’m hiding from everyone and keeping my anger to myself. I guess that’s what this forum is useful for - you can express it.
I think I got a lot of my trauma and anger out of the way four years ago when we were given the news that my wife would probably die within the year. My responses probably changed over the four years she lived after that. I’m still very sad and miss her greatly. Like your husband she had so much more to give to so many people.
What a lovely message amiles Gran x