Hi Julie,do you have any family?I only have three living relatives and I don’t see them often.
I’m lucky that my immediate neighbours are supportive but nothing seems to help alleviate the pain of losing Malcolm.
I lost all my closest relatives within the last five years and their ashes are interred at the bottom of the garden.
Our home is just a house without Malcolm but it was our home and all our memories are here.I haven’t put Malcolm’s ashes in the garden partly because I don’t know if I will move and I don’t want to leave him behind.x
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@Pushkin28 I had the same thoughts as you about the ashes. So I bought a stone urn for them so that I could have it in the garden, that my husband loved, but if ever I move I know I can take it with me.
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Thank you Flossy,
I must be very distressed because I never even thought of that.Not only would Malcolm be in the garden that he loved and tended if I had to move he would have a new garden to look at.Though it wouldn’t be a garden as big as ours.I was the botanist,Malcolm the planter and overall caretaker,it is far too large for me to manage alone and paying a gardener to see to the trees and general maintenance would be very costly.x
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How are you getting along Muldool?x
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Sending the promise of Easter to all sorrowing souls, including my own. The loss of my soul mate, according to the world, was 22 months ago. For me, the absence is every day. For the rest of the world, nothing changed. They all went back home and their lives continued as before. For me, the world I had known, had stopped.
For a while, help was offered as I struggled to gain a foothold on shifting ground. People asked, genuinely concerned, how I was coping. It quickly became clear that they wanted to know that I was, “Fine thank you. How are you?”
For everyone else, 22 months is a long time. It would be a long time if I had lost an arm but today, here, now, the arm would still be missing. The difference is that it would be visible to the world. My dear one is still missing but the world sees me, smiling, carrying on and coping. An empty sleeve is a reminder to the world that life is difficult for the amputee. The empty, jagged hole within, is invisible.
I know that progress is being made in the healing of this ghastly wound. The raw edges are smoothing and perhaps the empty space is becoming lined with memories that no longer hurt.
I have glimpses of what happiness used to feel like and want to tell you all that, for me, in these glimpses, my beloved David feels closer. If you are like me, you felt that the grief was all you had left. I don’t mean that I thought it intellectually but emotionally. Now I know that the grief itself was separating me from my love.
Just recently, some spiteful and completely unfounded remarks from a sister in law I have not seen for over 2 years, really set me back. She knows nothing of the way I live from day to day but thought it was her place to launch an unprovoked, verbal attack when we met recently. I was to "open my closed, mind, stop wallowing in self pity, think of all the people in Ukraine, not throw help back in people’s faces, stop being self-indulgent and keeping my finger pressed on the self-destruct button, stop being a martyr, there are worse losses " and so forth.
It was staggering, out of the blue, on an occasion when everyone, including myself, was smiling, having relaxed conversation and cheerfully reminiscing about lovely times we had all spent together. This, from someone in whose company I have been about 30 times in the 61 years I have known her, was so shocking that I as soon as I could speak I told her I had to stop the conversation and left her standing, still in mid flow. I thought, for more than a week afterwards, that I was back where I started, lamenting not just my lost love but also any progress I had made. Was this how the world sees me?
This is not the case. I can almost hear David telling me, “Take no notice. You know what she’s like.” He knows better than most because she’s his sister.
I AM comforted and I want you all to know that, although we live with this absence every day, there are glimpses, even of contentment, a relief we never thought we would feel and times we can call “happy” when we felt that such a word could never again apply to us. We shall even overcome ignorance or thoughtlessness in others, those who constantly tell us all about their plans for little breaks, parties or decisions, made as a couple, to make changes of some kind.
There are still times when the dam breaks and we are drowning in sorrow but I have had moments, thrown up on a quiet shore and those moments give me hope for the future. May it be so for all of you.
Here, on this site, I have found understanding, which is like Savlon to the soul. Thank you, if you have stayed with me so far.
God bless.
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Such beautiful words Prof, thank you x
thank you @Prof - these words ring so true. Sending love to everyone on here today who has been on the receiving end of thoughtless comments, or those who feel that they are on their own forever now. We stand together on here, we understand each other. Today, I was out skiing with a friend. The sky is blue, the snow good, and my heart was singing for T and his love for this place and for me. I know that I may well feel rubbish again later - but I’ll take those moments of happiness and hold them close, as once I held him. Take care everyone, and remember this weekend, when in doubt, chocolate!
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Hello Vancouver, yes feel exactly like you, it feels so unreal,I have photos everywhere it helps to feel that my husband is here I find it so hard not planning things together, I find myself telling him tea is ready . The emptiness is awful. Keep going Vancouver so many of us feel the same as you. Big hug
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My partner died in January this year, we had our flats and it was down to me to dispose of the contents as my partner Rex, had no known relatives.I donated as much as I could to charity shops That included his clothes, I found a company here in the UK that takes specs and reuses them then for every pair donated, they will plant a tree.
I kept some items as keepsakes and gave some things to friends for the same reason…
I think about Rex every day, he had such a gregarious personality and so outgoing and good fun to be around. I’m much more reserved than he was but we were soul mates. I feel his loss just like others here, it can be tough as I don’t have children and very little contact with my sister and her family. She has health issues of her own.
Rex had multiple health issues, he was being treated for prostate cancer which was going well. He had Bipolar Disorder too, I found that the Chronic Renal Disease and Parkinsonism that led to his death from Covid, were attributed to the drugs used to treat his mental health condition
I can’t help feeling that he would be here now if not for them, he fell and broke his leg which was the beginning of the end. I was with as he lay dying, he told me that he would miss me but I wasn’t to live in the past and move on. I’ve lost both parents and felt their loss but this is different. I have a few things of his where I can see them, I talk to him
I know I caught a glimpse of him one evening when I was watching TV, my mum told me oncetgat those we love don’t leave us straight away and when they died, I felt my parents around me and it was comforting. I read that these visits are really only hallucinations that are part of grieving, I don’t believe that. I haven’t dreamt of Rex that much since his passing, just once.
Something strange happened when I had a bout of Flu recently, it was like Covid but the test was negative, I awoke one morning and I felt someone holding my hand… I also woke one morning to find a cover pulled up over the duvet, I can’t remember doing that and I was puzzled.
I think that you have to find your own time to dispose of your loved ones property. I didn’t have much choice but I feel happier knowing that thibgs could be reused and charities would benefit.
I haven’t collected his ashes from the undertaker yet, I’m finding this difficult to deal with, I’ve thought about where they should go. Rex liked the coast. I feel that not collecting them makes me look like I don’t care, I don’t know how others dealt with this… I’m going to have a piece of commemorative jewellery made using a small amount of his ashes. I found a lovely pendant with stars and a moon. I had a star named for Rex, I’m sure it’s not official but I liked the idea, it’s a bright star in the constellation of Capricorn, his birth sign. I also had his name placed on a mobile monument to those affected by prostate cancer, Its a memory but hopefully encourages other men to be aware of the disease.
I hope that you and others have a peaceful Bank Holiday despite your losses. Its going to be more difficult, to those who are religious (I’m not particularly so but spiritual) then this is a meaningful time.
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Beautiful words and I am sorry for you loss. I do believe and I am sure your Rex was with you when you needed him most.
He will always be there for you and waiting for you to be together again.
That’s my belief, I know I will be with my husband again one day.
Love Debbie X X
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Been reading all your messages thank you for posting it helps to know I feel the same as you it’s very hard dealing with life on our own
Easter weekend is hard it’s my first with out my husband usually the family would be over for a roast but they find it hard every thing is so different hope you manage to remember the special times I have many but would have liked more years together as we all would take care xx
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Hi Rose, holidays are so difficult, and for you it’s the year of first’s. We can only look back and remember with love about the life we shared with our husbands and how lucky we are to have been with them.
I hope at some point you can have that roast lunch with your family, it’s good to get together and remember, laugh together and cry together.
My family have certainly done that, losing Doug has drawn us closer and I hope and pray the same happens for you.
Debbie X X
Hi evening star Graham died suddenly and I attributed that to his mental health medication, the drs said would shorten his lifespan. I’m in Wales with some of my family this weekend and I Brought some of Graham’s ashes and his photo with me . I did the zip wire yesterday and it was the most I felt alive since his sudden death in February this year. I’m walking up snowdon with my daughter today and taking Graham with me . Graham died on the aeroplane before takeoff at the end of our holiday in Barbados, so me and his mum and his siblings are going to take some of his ashes to St kitts his favourite Island in January next Yr . We were able to Bury most of Graham’s ashes the day after his cremation so our older grandchildren will walk past him on their way to sch each day.
Eveningstar your post was so positive and made me smile, the pain of loosing your partner is so immense you feel you will never be complete again, but yesterday I felt alive and I know Graham would be so happy for me.
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Thank you Debbie for your reply all difficult managing life right now
Good to hear that some off you are feeling alive again hope we all find lots to smile about this weekend even though we have a lot pain all take care stay strong x
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Graham’s death sounds so traumatic. I’m full of admiration for you @Rose45 for getting out and living like you are. I’m sure Graham would approve x
I’m going out with my sister for lunch. I don’t really want to go but will do. Jules takes an hour at least to get ready. I take ten minutes. That says it all x
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I,m going to say something most will not like, but l moved on l had to, 2 lots of counselling, 2 lots of antidepressants, it couldn’t continue,….because l realise l am alive l am not dead, and Micheal who l loved with all my heart, who died 14 months ago, would have been anger with me, my sons, who l laugh with, and who make me laugh, would have been anger with me, don,t get me wrong it’s the way I’ve dealt with it, and when Micheal pops in my head l kick him out, l don,t think of the times we had together, The memories the happiness, are all in a closed part of my. Brain, is it healthy l do not know, but it works for me, but l have to start living and l don,t do much anymore, l am alone, but not lonely, l just get on with it, on my own, as l couldn’t never love anyone the way l love Michael, and that’s ok to.
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It’s a beautiful day, I’ve been in the garden all day, weeding planting summer bulbs cutting the grass, it where I am closest to my husband who died 13 months ago.
Perhaps I’m lucky, I never needed councilling, or medication from the doctors. My GP was very supportive when I needed extra time off work when Doug died, but with the help of a book on CRB I self helped myself. I also very fortunate to have a network of family and friends that are always here for me even long after the funeral has passed. We often talk about Doug and how cheeky he was and a little bit naughty it’s makes me smile and often laugh at the antics he used to get up to. I never want that to be ever pushed from my mind.
But @les2 if that works for you that is ok too. We all have to find our way of coping and moving forward.
Take care, Debbie X
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@Flossy He would have been laughing today! My daughter took me up pyg pass its a climb and scrambleto top not a walk! we came down the tourist route I’m pleased to say. His death was very traumatic but I take comfort that he wouldn’t have suffered and we had an amazing 4 weeks cruising caribbean he was relaxed and chilled it was lovely.
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