My husband died over 4 yrs ago & he was my soul mate. & iv never felt his presence, I only wish I could.
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As u say itās nothing but silence x
Hi Pauline,
I know how you feel, it would bring me a little comfort if I could say I could feel Petes presence but I feel nothing and he is just gone! Itās horrible!
One thing I know for sure is that Pete would have been livid, he had so much more living to do.
Muldool x
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Hi Muldool, it is the hardest pain ever & there is nothing any 1 can do or say 2 take yr pain away.
Itās just 1 day @ a time. But as time goes on u learn 2 adapt u hav no choice.
I still cry, & now 1 try, 2 laugh @ the great times I had with Oliver.
But for u it is very early days, & u hav a long road ahead. But always remember yr husband is with u all the way. Xx
Thank you Griff, Iām sorry to hear of your loss. I have Bipolar Disorder just like Rex. Iāve known a lot of people who died way before their time and yes, itās the meds that bring it that about.
I bet Graham would be proud of your time in the country (Snowdon)
and may have even smiled as your made your through some tough bits in the trip.
I think we have to get out and do things, even if I go alone. Rex wouldnāt want me to hide away.
Have just found this site and reading some of your posts makes my heart melt.
I lost Gary due to cancer 9 days ago. I feel I have lost my usefulness in this world. He was my everything, my life revolved around his and I donāt have a purpose any more.
Others go through the same everyday and itās very early days. I couldnāt have children and family arenāt close by. I feel so lost.
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Jillib1 Iām so sorry for your loss its very early days for you and you must think I can not live with out my soul mate I felt same we was together 47 years so I did not know life with out him it is a very hard journey that we find our self on take day by day Iām not good with words but have found comfort on this site so wanted you to know we are here and feel your pain take care xx
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Hello @Jillyb1 - Firstly - I am so, so sorry that Gary has died. Cancer is cruel - it took T in January after a terrible year of pain. You are very early on in your grief so everything you are feeling is normal. You have friends here who understand exactly what you are going through - we have all been there and we all know how hard, bewildering and lonely it is. Yesterday, I didnāt leave the house, I felt so low. Today is better - but I know my emotions are all over the place at the moment. Keep talking to Gary, my friend, lots of here talk to those who have gone and find it helpful. I felt without purpose too, when T died. We were so close, no children, too. To survive, I realised my purpose had to be me, now. Not selfishly, not narcissistic, but necessary - for self care and survival. Hold tight, hold on, take another step, another breath. We are here for you x
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Thank you @Rose45, and @Vancouver for your replies. we knew each other for 48 years, so same as you.
The initial flurry of visitors has passed and Iām left trying to organise things when I really donāt want to but know that I have to.
I talk to him and tell him all about my day, the pain just seems to get worse not better every day.
Iām just so sad that we didnāt get the chance to grow old together.
I donāt usually participate in forums but I think this one will help. Thank you for responding. Jill
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Oh I feel the same we was both going to get out pension last year when he passed away now like you will not have our soul mate to get old with together itās cruel like you also this is the first time that I knew these sites existed yes it does help
Hope you find the strength to cope xx
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Dear Jillib1,
You are suffering so much right now and deluged, not just with grief but also with practicalities.
There are big decisions to be made when deciding between jam or marmalade on a piece of toast taxes our brains. The paperwork and legalities get in the way of our grief and delay the healing process.
Right now, this terrible injury you have suffered, like an amputation, makes you feel as though no recovery is possible.
I was the same. The loss of my soul mate after 60 years (no children so almost no help) made me so ill emotionally that my doctor set up some counselling for me. I think the nurses and psychologists who visited me (and also my faith), are the reason I am still here.
The feelings of having no purpose, being deafened by silence and sheer abandoned loneliness, were overwhelming.
I wanted company until company came and then I couldnāt handle it and wanted them gone again. Keeping up a good front was exhausting. Grief IS exhausting.
I dealt with it by having a simple, strict structure, unvarying from day to day.
My breakfast, proper lunch and a snack in the evening, are the main bones but I also determined that I would force myself out of bed, come what may, shower, do my hair and make-up and dress, exactly as always. This structure was the only normality left to me. Often, I couldnāt eat the meal and I have still not been able to sit in my place at the table. I sit on his chair and the different aspect helps.
Why am I telling you all this? It helped me to get through those ghastly first hours, weeks, months, for me, 22 months.
The injury to my soul happened in 2020. There is no empty sleeve for the world to see, as there would be after the loss of an arm. The world can handle that and understand that nothing will ever be the same again for the amputee.
The jagged, empty hole inside us is invisible and the world has gone back to normal so it thinks we have too.
I have been helped and am coping better. I can promise you that the jagged, raw hole gradually becomes lined and softened with memories, which no longer hurt but bring comfort. You will have genuine, happy moments. I try to notice them and offer them back to David as a sort of gift. I tell myself in my times of meltdown that I am suffering so that he wonāt have to and offer that as a gift too.
In short, I do whatever it takes to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
What I want to tell you and everyone in the first stages of your loss, is that it truly becomes easier and, for me at least, in the times when my grasp on the grief and sorrow relaxes a little and I can seize on moments of happiness, my dear one is closer and able to come alongside somehow, no longer blocked by the passion of my tears.
I didnāt believe I would ever know a momentās happiness again. I was wrong. I am living every day without the love of my life but there is occasional relief from the pain. The occasions sometimes join up, as they have for me over Easter. I have had visitors, been to church and have been helping (with medication) another bereaved lady in my village.
I am the person I am now because the whole of my adult life has been with my one true love and I want to honour that legacy by being the best I can.
God bless you.
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Thank you for replying.
I find some days are fine and then I have others when I feel tired with no motivation or interest in anything.
Itās something that affects us all sometimes.
I hope that youāre having a peaceful Easter.
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@Prof - thank you for this post - it helps me today, nearly 3 months in to grief, to hear that we can plot a course each day, no matter how simple, to survive this. I am up and down, stable and wobbly, able to plan then completely frozen. I can try to be, from the wreckage, the best I can be, too. Work in progress over here, but working out, working on, all the same. Thank you x
Hello Muldool
Itās nearly 44 weeks since Ian passed away and sadly, not once have I felt his presence or guiding hand. People say āoh Ian wouldnāt want you to be grieving like you areā but that means nothing to me. Perhaps it should ā¦ā¦ā¦
All I know is that this time last year he seemed fit, well and happy and then a stage 4 diagnosis came out of the blue on April 29th. He passed away 7 weeks later and that was it. Over 40 years together and then he was gone.
X Julie
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Hi Vancouver. I totally understand. My husband passed very sudden in Dec 2021. His things are everywhere. Every item is a painful reminder of him, and lovely memories are all I have. I canāt even think of parting with anything. Inside I feel like he is coming back although l know he is not. Life is so lonely and hard. I am trying to spend as much time as I can out of the house. But I have to come back to the emptiness. I donāt want to wake up in the morning. The pain is too much to bear. I donāt know the answer .
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Hi Julie,
Iām so sorry for your loss, life can be so cruel.
I do think it would give me some comfort if I could feel Petes presence but I feel nothing and like you people have also said to me that Pete wouldnāt want me to be grieving the way I am but they just donāt understand that when you love someone so deeply they are part of you and feel like part of you has died too. I know I will never stop grieving.
It difficult not to get annoyed by people who have never been in our position telling you how you should feel.
Take care
Muldool
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I too wish I could feel Steveās presence around me. At the beginning I thought I could, the day he died Iād washed his winter coat that night and when I brought it in there was a white feather in the hood and my mother in law said that was him. Then several weeks later a big box arrived for me with a toy inside that heād ordered months ago that I didnāt even know about, but I think it was just my desperate mind seeing signs. Now I feel nothing and I beg him to come to me, let me know heās there. My mother in law went to see a medium last month and she said sheād got a message from him, but I kept thinking why would he send her a message but not me? I sound so bitter, but some days I just feel such despair I canāt help it x
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Hi Nanagrace
Like you, Ianās belongings are exactly how he left them over 44 weeks ago now. His unfinished jigsaw puzzle is under the settee and his only get well card is where he left it.
I also spend as much time out of the house as I can, sadly knowing that it will still be empty when I return but hoping it wonāt ā¦ā¦.
My sleep is very erratic and I often try to āextendā the night as the morning will just bring another sad day.
Even after all this time, it is hard to just keep going and often seems pointless.
Take care,
X Julie
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Hello to everyone who is posting. The absence of those we love so much and have lost is so searing, so hard to endure. I am up and down all the time, too - missing T, asking him to come home then apologising for sounding needy. All this is so desperately, desperately sad. We all understand this, we are all here for each other and that helps me so much. Another day begins, another marathon for each of us, alone and grieving for the love and life we have lost. Hold tight everyone, we go together. x
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Morning Vancouver you are so right what you say itās always good to know that there is people here who listen you are good with words itās so sad I have managed to do what has been expected of me by my family over the Easter now I have not got up out bed yet they have gone back to work and school but for me what do I do potter around the house and garden I guess itās so hard I miss my husband so much it was not meant to be like this retirement was supposed to be together enjoying things we worked hard to be able to have a home and no money worries if we was carful now itās all changed he was so healthy he would usually make the first drink and then plan the day I talk to him but miss him answering sorry going on you all need positive messages to help just needed to write it down hope you can manage the day will it get any easier some have said it will I donāt know
Take care thanks for sharing on here sad that you are all going through this loss hope we can become stronger together
Take care xx
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