Hello everyone, I haven’t posted or been on for a couple of weeks as I’ve had a really hard two weeks and for most of it been in a very dark, empty place with the weight of this grief journey pushing down and crushing me. I came across this song, I’ll try and put the YouTube link on, which just sums up how I feel on a night, even though it breaks my heart when I listen to it, I’ve not got through it once yet without floods of tears, it has instantly become so deeply meaningful to me, and in a strange way makes me feel that I’m not alone on my grief journey. I love this artist as my husband proposed to me to one of his songs. Have a listen, read the lyrics I really feel it will touch a note for many of you.
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That lovely thank you for posting xx
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Thank you so much for posting this, I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks, its 23 weeks today since the love of my life was suddenly snatched away and its 6 years today since our fist date.
Beautiful lyrics.
Muldool
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@Muldool that’s the question isn’t it - where does the love go ? When the person has been removed so finally .
It’s like unfinished business for me - I still love he still loved but he was removed from the equation , then what ?
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Hi Cas,
I totally agree,when you have such a deep connection with someone, how can all the love just disappear?
I wish I had an answer, it has to go somewhere!
It feels like my heart has been crushed and even breathing is difficult.
Muldool
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@Muldool I’m glad you found him and had such love ! And I think it’s an emotion that is so missed out in grief and processing
When people have a break up everyone around them knows they need time to process and get over the breakup - but it seems in grief and death it’s so final that all of the emotions are supposed to be switched off - it’s not possible x
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I’ve just been wondering if we could shut off our emotional attachment to our loved one would we?..My answer right now after three months is yes I would!!
The pain is too hard to deal with but we all know that is GRIEF and I don’t believe it will ever lessen for me let alone ever go away.x
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@Pushkin28 I know it’s hard it’s been 25 years for me and although I don’t cry relentlessly anymore - I still have a heavy heart really deep down, continual thoughts and memories that won’t go away and I’m sure that the time heals and you’ll meet someone else thing does work for some
But I wonder after all this time if I’ll ever get to a point where I think just a quick call from him would mean the world - just a few minutes of something
That feeling has never left me and running events around in my mind
X
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@Pushkin28 - I can tell from your recent posts that you’re going through a really tough spell at the moment. You’re at a similar stage to me - 15 weeks today for me. I’m finding it one of the hardest spells so far at the moment. I feel the enormity of my loss so strongly now - maybe because the attention and busyness has now died down and we are left with what is left of our lives.
We need to try to find the positives where we can. I’m glad that you’re getting support and I hope that it helps you.
I’ve not gone to counselling so far but I’m beginning to feel I might need it more now than I did in the beginning.
Strangely I’m feeling quite calm today - no idea why I’m like this some days and yesterday I was in tears most of the day.
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It really is terrible Flossy,like you I have calm days.It’s so hard to find the positives when everything hurts so much.
I was ok yesterday but today I feel so awfully alone,the house is so quiet.I’m cooking for one,doing the garden alone,seeing couples older than us walking by hand in hand.
All I want is the comfort of having Malcolm with me.
He had been so well and strong,if someone had told me just five months ago I would be without him I would never have believed it.
I suppose it’s still early days Flossy but I can’t believe that I will ever feel much better than I do now.x
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@Pushkin28 - I am nearly 3 months in - T died in January. I feel like you - up and down, up and down. But something is telling me that T does come to me, not all the time, but in beautiful little ways. I had not looked at our WhatsApp correspondence, for example - our running dialogue while he was in the hospital and I couldn’t see him. I was afraid of what I would see - what if I hadn’t been the best I could have been for him, what if I neglected to reply… Suddenly, I felt this immense calm and the confidence to pull the account up. And I found our messages, of love and support, of kindness and care. There it was, for me to see, our relationship in all its specialness and uniqueness to us. I am sure that was T, showing me the way. I get the feeling of immense calm and I am sure he is with me when that happens. I hope something similar might happen for you, my friend. For now, this comes with loads of love.
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I’m up and down too, very down today even though I’m at my daughters with the grandchildren my chest hurts to breath. I just can’t shake it the sun is shining and I can’t even smile today.
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Sending loads of love @Griff - you are having a rubbish day and I know how that feels. Hold tight x
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At first I thought I could feel Malcolm’s presence but not anymore.All I sense is quietness around the house but it is a deafening silence.I can’t get used to that.
Malcolm was a quiet person anyway but he was warm natured,loving and very supportive.
I find looking through photographs very difficult especially the ones that were taken in the last five years…many of those have my Dad and Uncle on as well as Malcolm and they are all gone.
I find it hard to comprehend that all three are now dead and I don’t feel the presence of any of them.x
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Yes I also look at older couples and feel so robbed. It’s hard not to feel sorry for myself when I think of what I’ve lost.
It seems you are doing things though - cooking, gardening etc. So you are probably doing better than you think you are. Keep going and hopefully tomorrow will be a slightly easier day.
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Hope so Flossy,we had booked a short break in my home county of Yorkshire from Monday to Friday next week.I’m not going now and I wouldn’t want to go anyway without Malcolm.
I think that’s the main reason I’m upset today.x
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I completely understand that. It will be a difficult time to get through.
I have cancelled a few holidays that we had booked. I’m not sure how I will get through the dates.
I’m not sure if you feel the same but the sunny, longer days are harder for me. I coped better when it was darker and I closed the curtains earlier. People keep saying I bet it’s easier now the days are longer. Not for me.
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@Flossy3 I wonder why people say such random things to people who are in grief ? Why would it be easier because the days are *longer ???
I find it incredible and not really well meaning at all
X
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@Cas2 - I try to not be irritated. I assume it’s because they don’t know what to say so they say something rather than say nothing.
But longer days ?? Mine seem to be never ending at the moment. And that’s not a positive thing.
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@Flossy3 that’s exactly what I thought ! Longer days to fill time in - distract and keep busy
X
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