I feel just the same,if you sit out in the sun you can hear children playing,people walk past and seem so content.
We have a large garden and Malcolm and I spent more time out there in good weather.
The days feel longer and all I want to do is hide from the world.It’s as though my life has ended not just changed.
Grief just takes hold and the worst thing to accept that we can never spend time with the person we loved again.
All we have to sustain us is memories and for me,right now,they are bittersweet.x
4 Likes
Yes I do
We all know it will happen one day, but nothing prepares us for the total emptiness that we experience.
Please look after yourself, thinking of you. Sending virtual hugs and prayers
Carole
3 Likes
YES!!!
2 Likes
Sorry…not my partner but my son but just read your post and was just saying the same. How can my handsome, 6ft 2 and a half inch 38 year old son just be a pile of ashes in a wooden casket?Completely gone!!! It just doesn’t seem real…but I know it is 
Sue xxx
5 Likes
It’s the worst time of your life,whether it’s your son,husband,wife partner,friend relative or pet.
Grief is GRIEF in all its shapes and forms and all we can do is learn how to live again carry the love we have in our hearts,minute by minute,day by day and year by year.
Everyone here is calling out for help,family and we’ll meaning friends do their best to support us if we are lucky enough to have some but no-one can experience the effects of our huge losses unless they are going through a bereavement themselves.x
6 Likes
How true people can not know how it feels they just say it will get better no it will not
Xxx
3 Likes
Dear Rose45,
I want you to believe that it WILL get better.
My life ended in 2020 when my soulmate was killed by hospital acquired COVID.
My fit, athletic, handsome, healthy husband who had loved, honoured and cherished me for 60 years, was dead.
So was I - dead, frozen inside, injured so badly by loss and shock that repair seemed impossible.
I wanted to die and be with him, but being a Christian, was afraid to end my life in case it separated me from my dear one for eternity.
I am now 22 months along this hateful road no-one wants to travel and can tell you that the gnawing hunger for what was and can never be again, really does subside. The raw, empty hole inside becomes lined and softened with memories that bring laughter as well as tears if longing.
Better than that, when we stop being tossed about in the whirlpool of grief, thrown up for a while onto a rocky ledge, there are moments of hope, glimpsed through the blinding spray and fog of sorrow.
At first, these are just moments but gradually, they join up into longer periods of time, giving us relief from the overload of sadness. We put the burden down for a while.
Recovery from this hideous injury is not in a nice neat line. It loops and curls and drops back so that we think there is no hope of ever feeling whole again. Perhaps we never shall but the two who became one, CAN be helped to produce a whole one, functioning and even cheerful at times.
God is kinder to us than we are to ourselves. Left to ourselves we would hold onto this pain for fear that if the pain goes, we lose our beloved too.
My experience is just the opposite. When the fog of grief is not getting in the way, my adored husband is closer. I can feel his influence and encouragement helping me along on this dreadful journey, just as his strong hand on the saddle of my bike, used to get me up a one in four without the ignominy of having to get off and walk, when we were out cycling together.
If we were walking, my hand was always in his and in the early months after his death, I couldn’t even be in the garden, let alone in town, without suffering anxiety, even panic attacks. Now, it’s becoming easier and when I accept the situation and offer up my grief as a sort of gift to him, “My love, I can do this and suffer this for you so that you will never have to do it.”, suddenly, I feel lightened and comforted and able to carry out my task, weeding or shopping or whatever it may be.
Perhaps I’m not putting it very well and I’m not saying that the dam never breaks, engulfing me in passionate tears. It takes time and when the anaesthetic of the initial shock wears off and the wounding first anniversaries pass, one by one, the pain increases but hold on. Offer up the pain - the last gift you can give and believe me that you will arrive in calm waters, even whole happy days. Yes there will be rocks and rapids, often, at first but accept helping hands. Try to ignore hurtful remarks from people who have no idea what they are talking about. They are not walking in your shoes.
Accepting invitations is a good start but I know what hell it is to be on the periphery of the solar system when we were once the centre of it, when we, as a couple, two souls in one, made plans and decisions. Our only options seem to be to accept or refuse offers made by others - at the beginning.
It isn’t a race. There are no medals for the one who gets through these stages first. We each go at our own pace but I promise you, if you try to embrace the grief, let the healing tears do their work, offer them as a loving gift, you will emerge, whole but not alone.
Am I telling you that I’m, " over it" as our friends would like to think? No. I’m dealing with it, hurting less, allowing myself to enjoy company again but most importantly, able, at last, to feel that strong hand on my saddle and know that David is still with me and has been from the beginning, although I didn’t know it then.
Love to all here on the forum and may God bless us all.
15 Likes
Thank you Prof, my faith in God and prayers have got me through the last twelve months. Knowing Doug will be waiting for me to come home. 
2 Likes
Bless you, Debbie57.
I used to think every day was taking me a day further away from David until someone pointed out that, in fact, it is taking me a day nearer and in the meantime, it was up to me to honour the legacy of David’s love, by doing my best to live the days as I feel he would wish.
X
11 Likes
I have the “footsteps” poem on my bedroom wall to remind me each night while I still on the journey I’m not alone.
1 Like
Thank you Prof for taking the time sharing how you are copping it helps I will always miss my husband so much but guess we find a way ti manage
Love to all xxx
1 Like
Thank you Prof, your words have given me comfort and hope. The shock and anger have left me. Life is not busy with paperwork and people anymore and I just feel incredibly sad I think its because it would be Graham’s birthday this weekend. Me and the family have a day planned to celebrate his life and take flowers to his grave . Moving forward is so hard with the whirlpools and pathways but I am moving forward and making plans as Graham would want me to and your words have assured me he will be with me every step of the way
1 Like
Bless you, dear Rose45.
Sharing our experiences on this site is one of many ways of coping.
Just writing down our feelings and thoughts can be cathartic anyway but broadcast to other people who understand, is better still.
Keep posting. Keep expressing your emotions and know that someone will understand and invisible friends will be supporting you in prayer and thought.
“Footsteps” just about sums it up. We don’t feel as though we are being carried but something got us this far.
There is one more thing I ask myself.
Am I saying that all the loving, cherishing years were not worth this present pain? No. It is a price worth paying for the precious gift of my long marriage. 
2 Likes
You make us stop and think I do agree sadly this pain is worth the 45 yrs of a living marriage being loved and cared for and he gave me two amazing children I was lucky to have they make life worth living now I see him in them both I have so many memories I feel blessed that I have had a good life so I have to be grateful some people have not been so lucky still feel a grey that he was taken early
I am grateful to have found this site so I can talk to you all as it helps as sadly you all are on this journey some how I guess we will get though and live this new life
Thinking if you all xx
4 Likes
My dear @Prof - you hit the nail on the head. I think many of us here, trapped in the spin cycle of grief, will find reasons for hope and strength in this message. Heck, even celebrate each passing day, as it means one day less before we reunite. And like you, I am trying to honour the love T had for me. He has given me so much- I will never stop loving him.
6 Likes
Dear Vancouver, Rose45, Debbie57, Griff and all who are hurting so much,
Your words are helping me just now in one of those dreadful pits of weariness that overtakes me from time to time.
I have become very low, trying to complete practical tasks, way beyond my ability and which David would have done with one hand tied. There is so much I don’t know about the house and garden because I have never needed to and struggling to get help, researching on line or looking in the local handbook has exhausted my resources, emotional, cognitive and physical.
I’m fighting that ghastly “brain fog” of grief that you all know so well. I know I’m hungry but don’t know what I want to eat, can’t be bothered preparing something but even if I do, my appetite goes when I see the solitary table setting. I finish up having an apple or some chocolate. It’s so easy to get a Magnum out of the freezer.
I just need to tell someone right now and know that I am speaking to you who understand.
I have been so busy this last week, helping a lady in my village, also recently widowed but sadly, also diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. This has taken me out of the house several times a day, which is difficult for me as I have suffered from agoraphobia since David died and even struggle to go into the garden. It cannot be severe and it can be overcome, as I have discovered by being able to leave the house to assist my neighbour but it does leave me exhausted and full of anxiety. It also means that my own concerns are pushed to the back but they are not going away.
As I write, I am trying to be grateful for the opportunity to help someone, just as David would have done and to be glad that he is not the one getting through one empty day after another.
I have no family, poor vision, therefore unable to drive and no autonomy. I am dependent on other people, online shopping and although I can discuss big problems with good friends, there is no-one to whom the outcome of any decision I make, matters.
Presently, there are two huge health problems. They would have been daunting enough in any circumstances but David and I would have hugged one another and said, " … as long as we have each other …" It was our answer to everything. I’m glad for him that he hasn’t to go through this with me but need him so much right now.
Where are the footmarks in the sand? One of you will tell me how to look and how to see them again, I’m sure. I know that in this pit of despair, handholds will reveal themselves and I shall start the wearying climb out again. I also know that it is not as far this time because the pit is not as deep. It feels it but, intellectually, I know there is support when I fail and the hope will return. It’s a bit like having a physical pain and knowing that the analgesics will kick in.
For now, thank you if you have stayed with me this far and please know that it WILL get better.
God bless you all.
5 Likes
I’m listening, I will get back to you later when I’m home from work. Take time out, eat chocolate. I’m listening to Graham Kendrick music while working it keeps me calm. Keeps the demons away.
God bless you too,. Back with you later. X X
1 Like
Hi Prof, sorry to hear you are going through a difficult patch. I read the positives you went out to help someone and that’s a great step well done. As for decisions I have found them the most difficult the only person I made decisions with was Graham my husband of 40yrs. The footsteps in the sand aren’t there but I speak out loud to Graham and recall memories of what he would suggest and that helps just a tiny bit and then I thank him for listening.
Thinking of you Prof.
2 Likes
Thank you for reminding me of Graham Kendrick.
Thank you for responding. I’ll get there. We all will.
God bless.
2 Likes
Thank you, Griff and Debbie, for supporting me.
I am struggling so much yesterday and today. I know it will pass and am grateful for the helping hands and hearts reaching out to me to help me through.
God bless.
2 Likes