@Prof - sending loads of love to you. It’s the daily dilemmas, the daily choices and requirement for us to step in to roles that our husbands carried or sorted out with such ease, that is so exhausting. For me, my first challenge was driving. T hated to be driven because of motion sickness, so I was ferried about, which was great - until he couldn’t drive anymore and I needed the car to get to the hospital. How I struggled with that - terrified, perched high in his big car, dreading narrow lanes and parking… Today, I went to Tonbridge for an appointment. I sailed there, without a worry or panic. This feels good. A passing moment of satisfaction - but heck, I’ll take that. I even started planning to replace the car with something a bit smaller. You are triumphing every day - by leaving the house which is a big challenge as you describe. We find we have the strength to do these things because there is no choice. I hope your health problems will pass, my friend. It is the biggest worry for us with no family around. I find myself unable to plan too far ahead without prefacing everything with “If I am well, I will…”. After what happened to T, nothing is certain anymore, nothing a given. We are on this road together. We travel at different speeds, all of us aware of those around us who may be stumbling or simply unable to move. It is a relief to be in this group, with those who understand that I might be dancing one minute and prostrate the next, for no apparent reason. We are here, my friend, and we help each other through.
Hi Prof
It is so hard but you are a good person helping your neighbour as you say it stope you thinking of what you are going through for a very short while every thing is so hard I am finding it so hard keeping the garden tidy as well as the house we all miss our soul mate so much how long do we have to cope with this as you say it horrible having a meal alone chocolate sounds fine right now this site does help we are all in this journey together here for each other take care
Xxx
Well done Vancouver I think you sound like a strong lady doing what you do good luck with car another hard task for you what is not hard we did not want all these changes did we was happy with our lives as they was I never did much driving my husband hated being a passenger I have not managed a long journey on my own yet
Take care xx
Hi Prof, just come from work, we all have our down days. That pit you talk about may not be deeper, but the sides get wider and slippery and takes us time to climb back out into the sunshine again.
The brain fog, for me it’s concentration, losing track of what your doing, moving onto the next thing without finishing the first and the worst is I don’t alway pay enough attention to people talking to me and lose track of what they are saying, we are suffering from it.
I don’t drive either, but I live in a small market town with a very good bus services to Northampton, Bedford and Kettering so I can get about. But if I want to go else where, I miss Doug driving me where ever I wanted to go, friends and family will give me lifts but I don’t like to pester too much. Like you I shop on line or take my trusty shopping trolley on the bus to local supermarket, I’m not proud.
When I get in from work I don’t often have the energy to cook, so don’t feel guilty for snacking as long as you are eating. I given up sitting at the table for dinner I don’t like looking at Doug’s empty chair, so on the sofa watching TV.
David would be proud of you, overcoming your fear and helping a neighbour in need, well done you👍 as for the garden, little and often not everyone is a natural gardener. I have a couple of friends on Facebook at the moment debating slugs v marigolds, one is a gardener the other not.
If you put a notice up in your local shop you might find some willing to give you a hand every now and then. I’ve just had to learn how to look after Doug’s pond, service the pump, treat the water, everything he used to do. Gosh how we miss them.
And as for the footprint’s in the sand, they are there, but your eyes are so full of tears and grief you just can’t see them for now. God will never abandon us during our time of grief, he will always carry us and provide us with love and hope. He is waiting for us all to come home and you will be with David again.
It will get better, but not just yet, my love and God’s blessings to you.
Debbie X X
Hi @Vancouver, You are brave getting back into driving, I have never learn’t, used to rely on Doug taking me anywhere I wanted to go. Each small step and achievement, one day at a time.
Dear Debbie, Vancouver, Griff and Rose.
Thank you for your encouragement and for taking time to offer me that helping hand.
Well done too for all that you are achieving - the car, gardening, shopping with a trolley etc.
Yes, our dear ones are proud of us. They always were and often it’s what gets me out of bed in the mornings.
David and I were together for 60 years and when I was sorting out his things from the hospital, I found a love letter he was writing to me as well as some jottings of ideas for my upcoming birthday. One sentence in the letter was, “Whenever I walk into a room full of people with you on my arm, I think, I’m glad this one’s mine.”
This has got me up every day, into the shower, hair, make-up, dress, exactly as I have done since the day we were married. He was proud of me and I of him.
I have never been a lot of use around the house and garden except to hold things steady or obey the instruction, “Put your shoulder there and when I tell you, just lean your weight against it.” David’s garden was a masterpiece, an acre of intriguing, paths, bridges, secret places and magical micro views. It breaks my heart to see it going to ruin. He created a beautiful, enclosed rose garden for our Golden Wedding, filled with different, fragrant, golden varieties. Spring and the lengthening days, the time of year we loved best, now makes my heart ache.
You have risen above your own need for comfort and understanding, responding to my cry for help and supporting me as I steady myself to carry on. I feel your kindred spirits and the strength you didn’t know you had in you. You are helping me through today so thank you and I hope that when you are engulfed in your own tsunami, you can hold your breath and also hold onto that invisible, strong cord that is linking us together.
Generations before us have survived this. They now have their wings while we still trudge along, roped together like climbers on a rock face. We shall not allow anyone to fall far.
Thank you, thank you.
God bless.
Dear Debbie,
Congratulations for coping with the pond. What an achievement! I hope you feel proud of yourself and imagine Doug saying, “Well done.”
Like you, I found I couldn’t sit at the table in the kitchen, where we usually ate and at Christmas in the dining room, looking at David’s empty chair. My solution was to sit in HIS place. It was difficult but manageable and I’m used to it now. Like you though, I often resort to sandwiches in front of the television.
Bless you again for taking the trouble to extend the hand of friendship to a struggling stranger - down at the moment but not out and now able to offer up as a gift, not just my pain but the kindness resulting from it.
Xx
We are all in this together and fate has led us to become friends and supporting each other is a privilege 
xx
Well put Debbie
All have a good night sleep xx
Dear Rose, Debbie, Vancouver and Griff,
Thank you all so much for taking the trouble to respond to my cry for help.
It had been a dreadful night and day, the sort you all know too well. When the tears are spent and the dull, empty ache takes their place, it feels as though there can never be contentment, let alone happiness again. We need those arms round us and that dear voice telling us that we can get through.
Your voices reached me and sustained me and this morning I have peace again. It’s an acceptance that comes and goes but sometimes it is accompanied by darts of joy. I haven’t been able to rekindle the fun and life is dull because David could always make me laugh with his dry wit. He never told jokes but his insightful comments were often amusing, always wise.
For now, I’m grateful. Perhaps I don’t like the path I must take but it is all part of my love and I wouldn’t swap it for anyone else’s. Perception is a strange thing. I see couples all the time, when once, I wouldn’t have noticed them. Someone says, “My wife” or “My husband” and I feel a pang. Even so, I wouldn’t change places because I know what I had - still have - a love that doesn’t die.
Thank you all and when you too feel too broken ever to be whole again, please believe me that you can be. One evening you will realise that it has been a happy day or one morning you will open your eyes from sleep and find that oppressive, “Oh, no, not this again.” is absent. In its place there will be a lightness to give your day a start. Seize it and be glad. It may not last long but it is one of those glimpses that helps me to know that things can and will get better. I bring David along with me, talking to him and expecting him to be proud of me for managing.
By the evening I may very well be in tears, taking out the bins, something I hate because it had never entered my head when David was alive to concern myself about which “bin day” it was. At times like this, the absence with which we live every day, gives us an extra stab.
However you are getting through today, may God bless and keep you and hold you in the palm of His hand. xxxxI wish I could just reach out and give you a hug, and tell you it will be okay. So here is a virtual hug instead 
In fact to us all, we definitely need them X
Thank you so much Prof reading your message had helped so much you should write a book all what you say is so true your comet about the bins made me realise we all dealing with the same challenges I did not do bins either so many things we have to do now but I will always love him
Sending hugs we all miss them so much no others will compare but helps to have friends on here xx
Hi all, I think I’m having one of those “putting the bins out moments”.
It’s been a long emotional work at week, like us all not sleeping, really tired. Just got back from town after going straight from work to do bank and shopping. The buses have changed all their tickets, so couldn’t get my usual. I missed the bus coming home had to wait for next one, saw a funeral, then loads of coaches, which reminded me of Doug, he used to drive coaches.
Just got home and sat and cried, can’t cope with change anymore, I like routine, I can cope with that. Friday afternoon was our normal shopping day, we did it together, we always did everything together.
And now still haven’t put the shopping away, and spent last 30 minutes trying to get my head round buying a ticket for the buses via app that can be scanned from my phone because it’s cheaper to do it that way.
I better take change next time just incase I have not done it right. Can’t wait until I get a bus pass next year.
Why is everything so difficult and such an effort now, I feel I have lost the ability to function without my lovely husband backing me up.
Let’s hope we all have a better weekend, or at the very least the sun shines. X X
Poor Debbie, we are all backing you but it’s not the same is it?
You are physically tired as well as emotionally wrung out and I can picture you staring at the shopping, thinking, “I must put this away.” And really not wanting to be bothered.
Doing everything together made even mundane things fun sometimes and the difficult tasks were bearable.
Can you bribe yourself with a treat, only to be enjoyed once the shopping is safely away. The real treat of course will be the knowledge that it’s done.
I suspect each one of us is putting something off because we are too tired or just don’t want to have deal with some complexity involved.
Making the start is everything. For me right now, it’s the pantry. David and I did it together. Apart from anything else, he could reach the high shelves. I’m definitely putting that off.
Debbie so true what u said, why is every thing so difficult without our husband’s. When Oliver was alive, I sailed through life & now I find doing little things a struggle.
& he’s been gone over 4 yrs. & I talk 2 his pictures every day, & say help me get through another day.
1 day @ a time.
Thank you Prof, I know you have all got my back, as we have each other and it is a comfort to know that. I call this site my other family and security blanket. We all need those.
The shopping is finally away and I treated myself to fish and chips from chip shop, haven’t done that for months.
I put on our family WhatsApps group my frustrating day probably with a bit more expressive language, I don’t often want to burden them they have their own grief. But my son in law never fails to make me laugh, he’s a bit naughty, just like Doug was. Our daughter is going to take me to see Downton Abbey film this weekend so have something to look forward too.
These swings from one emotion to another is hard and wearing, but as you said tomorrow is another day, until the next low hits.
Good luck with the pantry, I hope it isn’t to much of an emotional rollercoaster for you while doing it.
God bless, Debbie X
Hi Pauline you are so right, it’s very wearing moving from one emotion to another.
Doug has been gone nearly 14 months now and I talk to his photos too, I have more round the house than I used to so he everywhere.
Nothing used to faze me before just got on with sorting it, and onto the next problem, its an uphill battle now.
But as you said one day at a time
Debbie X
@SueDav
Sorry if this is long past the post but I’ve just caught up and I totally understood your sentiment about the finality of it all and how it’s so hard to comprehend - the end, the no more. I always find it amazing when people outside of my life who didn’t know my partner use his name like they did when he was alive and it reminds me - yes he was here and he was real -
Sorry my heads minced today
X
Hi all hope you are coping this weekend I just don’t know how we are suppose to get through this new life without our love with us I’m so tied of trying gets harder as I know this is for rest my life how long does that have to be coming up for the year in couple weeks I have had enough sitting alone in the house is hell I know I have to sort myself out for the family but it’s horrible having a bad day sorry hope others are dealing with there day better xx
Please don’t apologise,I feel just the same,it’s as though the world goes on without.it’s just over three months since I lost Malcolm and the thought of living for years,possibly decades without him is appalling.x