I know luv and the meltdowns just come from nowhere
this is the hardest thing we will ever do and no amount of
well meaning comments help…the pain is enormous my Ma
n I get the Saturday Times article in there from a lass and her mother they both lost their husbands/partners at nearly the same time I know what you gonna say they had each other for support …yes and no grief is personal to us
I read the article and it made sense .We looking for something to make it easier to bear but I have no answers my love just one foot in front of the other daily …hourly even…keep talking it doesn’t matter you on this site a lot
just breathe and I feel what you are feeling and so do all of us on here …I miss my Chris so very much x
1 Like
Never mind others right now it’s about you …
Gosh it is so painful…only those who have lost a loved one like you have can understand your pain. Everywhere I turn I see things that remind me of Linda. When I awaken in the morning and before I go to sleep she is my first and last thought. I am looking at her now and I am saying where have you gone? None of our loved ones wanted to leave us - they loved us but they have gone to another place and they suffer no longer which is such a comfort to me when at my lowest. All I know is that she is looking after me and always will. She won’t me to grieve forever. Instead she wants me to live a new way and love her still but in a new way…she has gone physically but not spiritually. Our departed loved ones want us to be happy but to never forget, to still have them in our new lives where they cannot be…try to live life now but in a different way with your loved ones…eamonn x
2 Likes
So true my luv…so true…All around is Chris from morning until night. I cannot feel him looking after me though I just feel his absence and have you found that other things happen because of grief…I crashed the car last week the
downstairs loo broke and the gutters overflowed …just
stuff I know but seems so overwhelming…I know you miss
Linda so and I read your posts and they resonate with me
Sooo angry with the NHS who I feel failed him when he needed care and was a Nurse for 30 years …Hope tomorrow a better day and hope that lovely lady put her bins out …
1 Like
Linda was the one who organised everything, who reminded me to do things, usually kind and thoughtful things. I would look at the things that have happened to you as connections to Chris. Your concentration isn’t quite there, thinking of Chris…I find that when I am driving I am almost in autopilot…wondering sometimes how did I get home…I have had a few near misses. Accidents happen every minute of the day…the important thing is no-one was hurt…Chris was there and made sure of that! Make sure you get your car checked over and get back behind the wheel asap and be safe!
1 Like
Hi @Antoinette, I noticed that this was your first post, and I just wanted to say I am so sorry to hear that you’ve lost your husband and that you’ve found people around you have not being supportive of you expressing your grief. I’m glad you’ve found this site, as this is a good place to be honest about your feelings and find people who understand.
I saw that you hadn’t had anyone reply directly to you yet, and hopefully someone will soon. But, as your post was a reply to a conversation started by someone else, you may also wish to try starting a new conversation yourself, which can sometimes get noticed more easily.
1 Like
That’s a lovely reply Eamonn and I will try to be less cynical and angry . Thankyou for replying to me and you be very
careful too I’m pleased no one was hurt and accidents do happen all the time I live near a city so see them daily.Good luck to everyone on here and one step at a time
Thankyou …your post resonated with me
Thank you Priscilla. I am so grateful for that. My husband died six years ago so I slightly have my head down. But I have never found it possibly to express to anyone how I really fell. I came on because I was so moved by a man on the radio who said he is broken and silent himself as no one wants to know and that say only how lucky he was to have those years.
I lost five babies too from 8 1/2 months down and have done loads of inner work on it as in my early days, I am 83, you had to be good so I never thought of talking about it. Then in middle years I collapsed. Loss will take its toll. But even now I long for a forum where I can talk about it openly, grief in general because the death of my father at five, when I was not told he was dead, has haunted my whole life. I have tried to find one. But in this kind of forum I feel maybe everyone is there for their own story and I can’t think they would be interested,. One needs a live group I think where you can give and receive. I’d love to be able to support too.
I don’t know how to start another conversation?
I am in trouble at the moment as I’ve had a massive oil spill at the top of my sloping garden. There are loads of old wells around here and the ground goes across the road to more houses and down into a valley with
a big stream. My neighbour and family had to move out of their house yesterday as they are all ill. It is in their kitchen. The engineers to remove the joy of my life, my wonderful garden may not start for 1-2 months apparently and they can’t take up the neighbour’s kitchen floor till mine is dealt with, so - dire. We all may be out over Christmas. I am terrified it is working its way to there road.
So I may not be contributing much for while. Now my boiler has also died so no heating or water. I have to wait till I know if they will have to dig under the boiler house!! And with Covid alone maybe out for Christmas! Wow Priscilla you got it all. I am so sorry.
Now I must ring the loss adjuster!
Very best wishes to you.
Hi Antionette…so true…the only people who truly understand are your friends and now my growing group of friends on this site. At times I get sick of hearing of hearing…“be positive…she wouldn’t want you to…time is a great healer”…the old cliches. But then I say to myself they care but just don’t know what to say for the best. They are feeling awkward like we feel awkward when venturing out into social situations again. No-one is born with a manual on how to deal with life. In a way I am really glad that that is not the case - we would all be clones. For me it gets to a point sometimes when I say…thanks you for your kind thoughts and I truly hope you are never put in the position I am in now with this pain of loss. You can see in their eyes a realisation of yes I can’t truly comprehend. It is such a difficult situation as everyone has your best intentions at heart. Take care.
2 Likes
I met someone out walking who I’ve spoken to before but we are not close friends. She told me she’d been diagnosed with leukaemia that means semi-constant chemo, but she’s feeling quite well. I then told her that my husband had died. She said, ‘oh my God! I wondered why I hadn’t seen him for a while…’
She then said two things. One was, ‘I simply don’t know what to say.’
The other was, ‘you’ll find people avoiding you. They shy away…’
So very true. We talked for a few minutes after that, and I told her that she’d uttered the wisest and most compassionate words I’ve heard in the last 10 weeks. ‘I simply don’t know what to say,’ is so true and compassionate. It’s honest and caring.
Hugs to all, Christie xxx
3 Likes
Lovely story Christie.
@Antoinette Oh goodness, I’m sorry to hear you have been through so much loss in your life. It is so sad that you weren’t told when your father died - I suppose people thought this was a way of protecting a child, but it’s really important to be honest with children and give them a chance to grieve properly. You can absolutely write about all of these things on this forum if you find it helpful.
We have some instructions for starting a new conversation here: https://community.sueryder.org/pub/help-using-this-site#new-conversation It’s also possible for me to take the second post that you wrote and make it into a new conversation, if you don’t feel like writing it all out again?
2 Likes
Thank you dear Priscilla again and thank you Eamon for a beautiful reply. I could not get the Reply to work under your message. The only Reply I can get to work is this one under my photograph, which for some reason has doubled up!
All you say is spot on. But the min thing which stopped me from being able to speak of anything but positive feelings is that comment from three people, when I said but it is also so hard, “Well just think how lucky you were to have him for so long”, which of COURSE one is SO grateful for and which is the guiding star which does in fact make one SO grateful, though the fact it was more than half ones life also makes it doubly poignant and hard to lose.
1 Like
These thoughtless comments hurt so much. I often say to myself, in the depths of grief, that I should be thinking about the wonderful time I had for many years, and not obsessing over it being gone. But it’s another thing when someone else ways it. You’ve had a lot of grief in your life. My father also died when I was young, and nobody helped me to grieve.
Thinking of you, Christie xx
1 Like
Thanks for that reply Chrissie. They didn’t help us in those days did they. How old were you when you lost your father? Ax
- It wasn’t easy for me - there was no help when I was that age. It was worse for my mother - I was an only child and she simply never recovered. Of course, that affected me. Cxxx
You poor darling. We don’t recover. and it affects how we behave and what we expect. I’d loved to know more. Antoinette
Christie they do hurt. No one knows what it is like and how deeply lonely it is until it happens to them. That feeling that our beloved is just nowhere. And I found it unbearable looking at him towards the end knowing he would be handed to me as ashes. How are we meant to deal with that. It is all so new and almost impossible to grasp. But our culture tells us we are so strong and people just love to say someone is fine afterwards and they love us when we say we are OK! I really feel your pain and it breaks my heart.