Thankyou …your post resonated with me
Thank you Priscilla. I am so grateful for that. My husband died six years ago so I slightly have my head down. But I have never found it possibly to express to anyone how I really fell. I came on because I was so moved by a man on the radio who said he is broken and silent himself as no one wants to know and that say only how lucky he was to have those years.
I lost five babies too from 8 1/2 months down and have done loads of inner work on it as in my early days, I am 83, you had to be good so I never thought of talking about it. Then in middle years I collapsed. Loss will take its toll. But even now I long for a forum where I can talk about it openly, grief in general because the death of my father at five, when I was not told he was dead, has haunted my whole life. I have tried to find one. But in this kind of forum I feel maybe everyone is there for their own story and I can’t think they would be interested,. One needs a live group I think where you can give and receive. I’d love to be able to support too.
I don’t know how to start another conversation?
I am in trouble at the moment as I’ve had a massive oil spill at the top of my sloping garden. There are loads of old wells around here and the ground goes across the road to more houses and down into a valley with
a big stream. My neighbour and family had to move out of their house yesterday as they are all ill. It is in their kitchen. The engineers to remove the joy of my life, my wonderful garden may not start for 1-2 months apparently and they can’t take up the neighbour’s kitchen floor till mine is dealt with, so - dire. We all may be out over Christmas. I am terrified it is working its way to there road.
So I may not be contributing much for while. Now my boiler has also died so no heating or water. I have to wait till I know if they will have to dig under the boiler house!! And with Covid alone maybe out for Christmas! Wow Priscilla you got it all. I am so sorry.
Now I must ring the loss adjuster!
Very best wishes to you.
Hi Antionette…so true…the only people who truly understand are your friends and now my growing group of friends on this site. At times I get sick of hearing of hearing…“be positive…she wouldn’t want you to…time is a great healer”…the old cliches. But then I say to myself they care but just don’t know what to say for the best. They are feeling awkward like we feel awkward when venturing out into social situations again. No-one is born with a manual on how to deal with life. In a way I am really glad that that is not the case - we would all be clones. For me it gets to a point sometimes when I say…thanks you for your kind thoughts and I truly hope you are never put in the position I am in now with this pain of loss. You can see in their eyes a realisation of yes I can’t truly comprehend. It is such a difficult situation as everyone has your best intentions at heart. Take care.
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I met someone out walking who I’ve spoken to before but we are not close friends. She told me she’d been diagnosed with leukaemia that means semi-constant chemo, but she’s feeling quite well. I then told her that my husband had died. She said, ‘oh my God! I wondered why I hadn’t seen him for a while…’
She then said two things. One was, ‘I simply don’t know what to say.’
The other was, ‘you’ll find people avoiding you. They shy away…’
So very true. We talked for a few minutes after that, and I told her that she’d uttered the wisest and most compassionate words I’ve heard in the last 10 weeks. ‘I simply don’t know what to say,’ is so true and compassionate. It’s honest and caring.
Hugs to all, Christie xxx
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Lovely story Christie.
@Antoinette Oh goodness, I’m sorry to hear you have been through so much loss in your life. It is so sad that you weren’t told when your father died - I suppose people thought this was a way of protecting a child, but it’s really important to be honest with children and give them a chance to grieve properly. You can absolutely write about all of these things on this forum if you find it helpful.
We have some instructions for starting a new conversation here: https://community.sueryder.org/pub/help-using-this-site#new-conversation It’s also possible for me to take the second post that you wrote and make it into a new conversation, if you don’t feel like writing it all out again?
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Thank you dear Priscilla again and thank you Eamon for a beautiful reply. I could not get the Reply to work under your message. The only Reply I can get to work is this one under my photograph, which for some reason has doubled up!
All you say is spot on. But the min thing which stopped me from being able to speak of anything but positive feelings is that comment from three people, when I said but it is also so hard, “Well just think how lucky you were to have him for so long”, which of COURSE one is SO grateful for and which is the guiding star which does in fact make one SO grateful, though the fact it was more than half ones life also makes it doubly poignant and hard to lose.
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These thoughtless comments hurt so much. I often say to myself, in the depths of grief, that I should be thinking about the wonderful time I had for many years, and not obsessing over it being gone. But it’s another thing when someone else ways it. You’ve had a lot of grief in your life. My father also died when I was young, and nobody helped me to grieve.
Thinking of you, Christie xx
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Thanks for that reply Chrissie. They didn’t help us in those days did they. How old were you when you lost your father? Ax
- It wasn’t easy for me - there was no help when I was that age. It was worse for my mother - I was an only child and she simply never recovered. Of course, that affected me. Cxxx
You poor darling. We don’t recover. and it affects how we behave and what we expect. I’d loved to know more. Antoinette
Christie they do hurt. No one knows what it is like and how deeply lonely it is until it happens to them. That feeling that our beloved is just nowhere. And I found it unbearable looking at him towards the end knowing he would be handed to me as ashes. How are we meant to deal with that. It is all so new and almost impossible to grasp. But our culture tells us we are so strong and people just love to say someone is fine afterwards and they love us when we say we are OK! I really feel your pain and it breaks my heart.
Hello TinaG,
you have had a terrible shock. It’s only natural to feel lost.
I am a similar age to you and I lost my husband in a similar fashion about a year ago. He was my soul mate. He was my whole life. The absence of him was awful to begin with.
My best advice, if you’ll allow me, is to just keep existing for now. Just focus on the simple stuff like eating well and trying to get some outdoor exercise. Keep busy. Distract yourself with friends and family, if you can in these lockdown times. Hopefully things will become more bearable. I have found that now I am thinking of the future again, and building a new life for myself. It is not easy and I don’t think the pain will ever completely go. I had a cry just the other day.
I really wish you all the very best. Good luck.
Marie x
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Thank you. I’m trying just to get through every day. My daughter who is 22 has and continues to be an amazing support. Just letting me talk and cry. My sister in law is also a great support I know I’m lucky to have wonderful family and my husbands friends. In haven’t seen my friends. I don’t feel I can… plus covid.
Thank you for your advice. Everyone has been so kind and helpful with bits of advice. I’ve started to write everything down I would normally say to him. It has helped. I guess anything that helps a little bit for now.
It’s such a sad and terrible truth that only those that know can advise and yet you wouldn’t want anyone in this position. Xxx💕 thank you xxx
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For me the best way to deal with Linda’s ‘ashes’ was to scatter them at the place we first met - The Giants Causeway in N.Ireland. It was the start of our wonderful journey together and I will visit her there every year that I can. I don’t have that feeling thank God of where is she? She is in everyone of our special places, she is with me when those little coincidences or connections happen she sparks memories which both brighten my day and bring deep sadness at the same time. Marie21…than you for returning to the forum. Those of us struggling terribly with the loss of our soulmate are desperate to know the pain will subside but will never ever completely go. I wouldn’t want my Linda to feel or think the way I can at times and she wouldn’t want me to. But the love was so strong it has left such a gaping hole in my heart. I look forward to being where you are Marie21 and it comforting to know that I can one day.
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Giant’s Causeway. What a lovely place to meet.
I’m sure things will get a bit better. I think acceptance is important. I accept that life is a bit rubbish compared to what it used to be but I shrug my shoulders and just carry on anyway. I know that at some point there will be nice things. A holiday abroad with a family member perhaps, a nephew’s wedding, a good family knees up at Christmas (not this one). And who knows what else might happen. I know you are not feeling like this now. Everything is just bleak and horrible. Just keep plodding on for now. Good luck x
Hi TinaG,
Since 7 months passed lost my love due to sudden heart attack at 39 years old, i can not get over no no not get over can not still accept what happened to him. I completely lost without him and can not bear to think living years without him. We were completed each other and this this stupid thing happened. As long as know he did not have any problens with his heart. Life is so unfair…
Hi everyone, I would recommend you go o to the Marie Curie website and look for the Lights to Remember event. If you go onto the N.Ireland event there is an author and psychologist who talks about losing her sister…it has helped me enormously today…a very tough day which family and friends shared online…please go on…you won’t regret it. X
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Its so cruel isn’t it. I just felt life for us was finally working out. He’d seemed to recover well from the first cancer and we’d just got married. I was so happy. I felt content. I was looking forward to the rest of our lives and 8 weeks later we knew he had months. He only lived 5. I cannot comprehend it at all. I woke up at 5 am. 4 hours sleep again. I listened to his messages. I just can’t cope with never seeing him again.
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