Bless you, You have voiced what I have wanted to say so many times.
My lovely father died suddenly in his forties (Sportsman, non smoker/drinker). My mother was sat next to him when he died and didn’t hear a thing. He was watching ‘Match of the Day’ his favourite programme. (He was a former footballer). It was a shock admitted but he didn’t suffer and when I think of him and he comes to me in my dreams he is still that fit and lovely man. However my husband who was equally a lovely man, liked by everyone, kind and considerate died a long and painful death. His poor body ravaged by his illness. I prayed to God to release him from pain such was the agony.
So, Yes if I am asked I too am grateful that my father died in his armchair with my mother by his side. So quick and painless. Whatever comfort I can gain from loss, I am grateful and so wish my poor lovely husband could have been spared so much pain and frustration because I will never forget that as long as I live.
There is no easy way to lose a loved one, it’s the most horrendous thing but like you once I had got over questioning why my father died I too began to see that it could have been worse. He too could have been driving. He had played in a golfing tournament that day, he could have been on the course.
I have always believed that things do happen for a reason, however for the life of me I can’t see any benefit in the way my Brian was taken. Not as yet anyway. I have been told it was his time but why with so much pain. One of his last words to me was “What have I ever done to deserve this, I’ve never hurt anyone in my life”…
One thing I am grateful for is that he has come to me a few times in very vivid dreams and he always looks well and his handsome self.
He was a singer and I have just played a CD of him singing and in one song the words are: “Yesterday is dead and gone and tomorrow is out of sight” How true.
Hi Jen, lovely to hear from you. I think I will be the same as you. I am having easier days and then it hits me but I think of it as Brian wanting me to remember and not forget.
On the outside I am more myself again, even managing to laugh and joke with people but inside struggling like I have never struggled before.
I am lucky I suppose in that I do the same things we did together. So my life hasn’t much changed except that Brian is with me in Spirit now. I imagine him in a better place having walked through another door. I think the pain will be with me forever though and I will have to accustom myself to feeling like this and work around it.
I too have a ritual every day. I try to find peace with myself in a quiet place that I find relaxing. However today I sat in the living room listening to Brian singing and as I have previously said one of the lines in the song was “Yesterday is dead and gone and tomorrow is out of sight”. I know the words of the song and was singing it with him but these words seemed to jump out at me today especially. Perhaps he is trying to tell me something.
Dear Jackie, I wished I had the magic wand and be able to bring your Richard and my Jack back - but is not going to happen…
the void it creates in our lives is hard to explain and to be honest I don’t think I truly understood what the loss of a partner was until I lost Jack
We all have had bereavements and they are painful and sad and it hurts but loosing a partner takes half of you, when Jack died I died with him
Jackie, I feel so sorry you live in a place you don’t like and with no prospect of moving anytime soon . It is not nice when we feel trapped and without choice. I know the MS makes moving around difficult- have you considered a kitten for company? My 2 cats a great company, they have different personalities and contrary to what people say they are affectionate and also fun
Please try to find something positive everyday - if you are depressed the MS gets worse. Have you spoken to your doctor about how you feel?
Thankyou and sorry to hear of your losses. Losing your dad in his forties must have been difficult. The sudden deaths are kind on the person who died but so cruel to loved ones. Seeing your husband suffer must cause you immense pain and I’m so pleased I havent had to see my mum suffer. I miss my mum so much I’ve had pain in my chest for 3 months, but I am so grateful that she never knew how ill she was. She only knew about the blocked carotid artery and that’s why we thought she was coming out of hospital the following day. Mum would have given up on life if she knew the full extent.
Yes your right the sudden deaths are kind to the person that is taken and now after many years I am able to be thankful that my father didn’t suffer, but so many why’s went through my mind when it happened. I couldn’t understand it.
You made the right decision for her and I hope your pain will go when you have had time to grieve for your Mum. This pain we have is a broken heart and it has to have time to mend.
Jackie, I am so sorry that I can’t do or say anything that might help you. You know I am thinking about you.
I have recently found myself saying out loud “All I want is for my boy to walk back into my life”. I don’t know why I say this because I know he can’t, so it’s pointless asking. I must accept he has walked through another door. Hopefully now free of pain.
You will get away from the place you now live and move to where you decide to go. Hang onto the thought that it will happen. Think of a new future and Richard will be with you. You might not think it, but you have shown such strength. You have your illness and hate living in Dorset but you have started to make plans to move already.
I have quoted these words already today but in a song that Brian was singing these words bounced out at me today “Yesterday is dead and gone and tomorrow is out of sight”. This is true for so many of us going down this difficult road.
I am thinking of you Jackie
Hello Jeanette I hope you have managed to enjoy today with your family and had some smiles amongst the tears. You have been in my thoughts today.
Take care
Ang xx
Thank you Ang.Yes we managed to have a lovely evening.We shared the catering .David whould have been proud.And so nice to have my family all around me.I didn’t have time to feel sad as I was so busy.But did shed a little tear when I heard a song we both liked earlier on.Big hug.x
Hi Ang.Been fine all weekend but just had a complete meltdown and burst into tears Just get times when I really miss David.Just have to cry .Grief is so horrible.Just feels so strange his not here.x
Hi I feel totally lost since losing my husband also called David two months ago. We have been married 44 years and life seems unbearable at the moment… I try to keep busy all day but when I sit down my emotions are overwhelming. I have a supportive family but at the end of the day I realise that its just me and will be now forever. I miss him so much it hurts constantly.
oh dear Jeanette,
I know just how you feel, it’s so difficult and we try our best and do really well when surrounded by family, however the grief is like a wave that crashes back and forth knocking you down each time! I have felt dreadful this evening after a lovely weekend with my family, being so supportive and caring however all gone home and it’s hit me once again the awful reality that this is it ! I miss him so much.
luv to you and everyone feeling as we do.
Take care Ang x
Oh Ang.We felt exactly the same yesterday.Looking after little Leo today which is a bit of a tonic.But still a little tearful.When you get that feeling you just have to cry.I felt really strong last week.Its good to come on here and talk to others in the same position.We just have to take it one step at a time.Big hugs.x
Dear Breeny.
I really do feel for you as I feel the same.Most the time I give myself a pat on the back for coping really well and trying to move on.Then next thing a can’t stop crying as reality kicks in.As you say it’s just you and you alone.I also have a wonderful family & friends.But it’s the missing them that’s so hard.We must just get through each day.A big hug.Jeanette.x
Thank you Ang big hugs to you too. I try to live each day as it comes but it’s so hard. It has not been helped by the reams of paperwork that comes my way. This is the last thing one needs when grieving but it has to be done and the one person that could help is not here.
Dear Jeanette,
Thank you for your reply. I made my first trip out alone and felt completely lost. it’s so hard to focus on anything ended up returning home and crying my eyes out. I know I have to do this for my own sanity but it is so terribly hard x