Im out of bed but still in pjs on the couch with my doggie. I will force myself to take the goofball out for a walk whilst the sun is still out. The poem sums up how im feeling too, trying to be positive but feel most happy in my safe place
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@SP60 Thank you for posting the text. It resonates with me too. I have decided that there are no easy or difficult things to do. All tasks are the same. The difficulty has been inside of me, it is the straight jacket of grief.
From now on Iām just going to do each task or activity as it becomes necessary or desired without considering whether it is āhardā or āeasyā. This morning I got up and started to do my garden without considering any issue other than it needs to be done. I am doing it and seeing new growth brings a ray of light but the weeds are a bit daunting. Itās just gardening.
My grief can have itās time later in a time out. It is part of my life and I shall allow its place but stay aware of inevitable ambushes. xx
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As my mum says. Baby steps ā¦ so true xxx dont be too hard on yourselves. We all had a massive life changing experience xxx happy easter 
@SP60 I do exactly the same with time outs but donāt keep a diary ( not disciplined enough). I did however look back on my posts to trace my recent journey to understand what had happened.
I guess I have concluded that the loss of my wife has destroyed the most important part of my life but Iām determined to salvage and build on the rest in dedication to her. I cannot allow it to destroy both of us as that would also destroy the meaning and purpose of her life and our love. xx
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Yeh but sometimes it just comes doesnt it and you cant schedule it ā¦ something can set you off ā¦ i got set off yesterday as something happened x
Hi Mike
I have been trying to salvage some of my life if I can . I realised that Zeki looked after and loved me for 43 years and I have to continue the best I can.I had a few even more terrible days than normal last week and almost gave up .He always said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and of course I felt the same.A few weeks before he died he said āDonāt die with me Annā and always said I like to see you happy and strong.Somehow like everyone on these posts I have to get through this .
I am pretty much alone in the world except for two lovely friends that try their best for me but they work and have busy lives so I havenāt really got anyone to focus on .I am trying to compartmentalise the day Keep busy in the morning ,then rest to get over any work and overwhelming sadness later in the day and read before sleep to try and banish grief.Itās so hard but reading all the posts makes me feel I am part of a kind of family.I donāt write much as Iām very tearful and donāt know what to say and donāt want everyone to feel my sadness
Many thanks Annxx
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Stay strong annā¦ u sound like youre doing ok to me x
Yes i know what u mean ā¦ bit i find it just comes out whenever im sad ā¦ but each to his own xx
@19Lefke95 Zeki would be proud of you. But even when we try to get routines established to deal with the pain we can still have bad days out of the blue and we canāt avoid the ambushes that hit us from nowhere. What he said to you āDonāt die with meā is what I am trying to do for Diane and what you are trying to do for him. This is not an easy path but it is the hardest thing I think I have ever done. As JFK said we do things ānot because they are easy, but because they are hardā and āthe challenge is one we are willing to accept ā¦and one we intend to winā Those words are my time out reflection today.e and support xx Lov
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Mike those words are inspirational .I agree this loss is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to face.The things that hit me are little things but in fact they are big things for my heart to deal with .On the day he died I begged him to let me go with him and I am haunted by how sad his eyes were I just canāt block it out of my mind but I suppose in time it will dim a bit.
So sad all of it isnāt it ?
Love Annxx
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Mike should have read begged him to let me go with him to hospital!
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@19Lefke95 Sadness and loneliness. You may never forget his eyes but you should see in them not sadness, but his love for you, the reason he wanted you with him. Hugs xx
take care ā¦ its awful however it happens xx
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You see Mike he wouldnāt let me go with him because he didnāt want me hanging around in A&E I should have overruled him and gone he argued it was only to get different antibiotics I didnāt want to distress him arguing about it because although he was on oxygen he struggled and insisted on doin things for me,So you see it is one of my if onlys.I regret not being with him His eyes were so sad I think because he was running out of strength.Half an hour or so later he was dead and I have to live with that if only.
Annxx
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Hi Doughti, I joined the ramblers, they have all day walks on the weekends. That helps when my kids have their own stuff to do,
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@19Lefke95 I am so sorry. That was awful. All of us have What ifs and they can torment us. But there is nothing we can do we have to say we did what seemed right or what our loved ones wanted us to do and we cannot change that. Hugs xx
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Yes that is what I am going to hang on to I did what he really wanted me to do .The evening before I argued with him as I wanted to put the bins out but because I have Spinal surgery on hold he would not give in an oxygen tank on his back and insisting breathlessly he was going to do it it broke my heart and for the only time in his life he told me to shut up and I did and promised myself never to upset him again.
Hugs and thank yous for listening to me I expect you can guess Iām crying my eyes out but tomorrow is another day
Annxx
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@19Lefke95 I think our partners try and protect us by shielding us. Whenever Diane was in pain she tried to find a reason for me to leave her alone in the hospital so I did not see it, she could not hide it. Keep posting as you need, we all share your tears here. More hugs xx.
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Thank you Mike I hope I havenāt darkened your Easter with my sorrow
More thank yous and hugs
Annx
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@19Lefke95 You have not darkened my Easter. We are all on our own journey and helping each other lightens all our loads.
Mike xxx
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