Hi Helen,
So glad you are feeling better. Am still the same. Wish I could say i am better but honestly I am not. Have got a san today following my cancer a few yrs ago so that is upsetting me also. Don’t want to go but have to.
Haven’t been out for almost two weeks so am dreading it.
Will keep in touch
Deborah x
Hi Helen,
Glad you feel better. I do too. When I’m busy I concentrate on something then suddenly mum pops into my thoughts again and I realised that for a while I hadn’t thought of her. Never for that long mind.
I’m also going to make a box with things such as cards, letters, personal bits of mum’s. I have listened to a few messages/videos. As hard as it is. I wouldn’t cancel them because I don’t ever want to forget her voice. I can’t remember my dad’s voice, I’ve got no recordings.
It’s good that you met up with your friend and that she reassured you. It’s true that your mum was spared the agony of going through gruelling chemo. One of my relatives had terminal lung cancer and went through a terrible 6 months of treatment, but it didn’t prolong his life. Your mum was able to enjoy her life right until the end.
My mum was so generous too, she loved nothing more than spoiling Alex and always insisted on buying me something when we went out shopping bless her. She also helped out a lot of her family members over the years… they have such short memories! My cousin,(more like an aunt due to the age gap) called me tonight. She’s the only family member who checks in on me from the Uk… Mum’s last living sister is nowhere to be seen or heard…
What will your job involve on Thursday? Seeing patients or more administrative work? I think you will be surprised how much it helps you and you may even be able to have a good chat and a chuckle with your co workers. We always find something to laugh about every day which is a tonic! When are you planning to change back to your old job?
It’s true about renting the house, it would seem less final. My only doubt is that as it’s is a turn of the century Victorian semi, it may need work done before being able to rent it out.
Valerio has gone to play football so it’s just me and Alex . He had to study the heart and circulatory system for science. A bit heavy going for a 10 year old!! They get sooo much homework here at primary school! 
I cooked some pancakes tonight (I keep up with my British traditions haha!) Again I thought of mum, first pancake day without her… she always made herself just one every year with lemon and sugar! 
Hope you have a good day tomorrow and try not to get stressed about work. The lead up is always worse. It’s all about small steps in the right direction for our healing.
Speak soon.Kxxx
Hi Deborah. I hope the scan went okay. Good you’ve got that over with. It must be so hard when you can’t talk about this to your mum.
In terms of the grief, it will take as long as it needs. We can’t put pressure on ourselves. Today has been the first day I haven’t cried properly but I still feel very low and sad. I can also feel the familiar knotting in the pit of my stomach so I know the tears are coming.
I thought I’d encourage my dad to get out today so we had a short walk to the local shops. Trying to increase his confidence to get out. Low and behold we bumped into a couple mum and dad know. She just kept going on to dad how terrible it was, how shocked she was to hear mum and passed, how fit and active mum was, how terrible it must be for dad. She just kept going on and on. I was trying to change the subject as I could tell it was too much for dad. Why do people do that. Like we need them to tell us how bad it is?! We know thanks, you really don’t need to tell us!!! I just hope it’s not put him off going out again as I feel like he’s giving up. I’m going round nearly everyday but I’m finding it emotionally draining. He can’t talk about mum and just has a look of anguish in his face
You probably feel like you aren’t healing but as the days go by, you are a step further in your grief journey. Just keep doing what you need to do. We are still at the beginning of all this. Take care Hxx
This is the first message I have read as just joined the group as am struggling each and every day.
I am an only child and my dad passed away suddenly and unexpected at home last July. He was absolutely fine and did the usual things in the morning and sat down for a coffee and never got back up. I carried out CPR but it didn’t bring him back. This was on a Tuesday morning. Me and both both in total shock and I would never of imagined it to happen. What never ever went through my mind was what happened next. My mum passed away suddenly exactly a week later. Total devastation and i just don’t don’t know how to get through each day. No one understands and I feel everyone thinks I should be leading a normal life now…I can’t 
Oh Leah I’m so sorry for your losses. It’s bad enough losing one parent so suddenly, but 2 within a week…
My heart goes out to you.
My mum also died on a Tuesday morning from a cardiac arrest in October. I’m still trying to process it.
I’m also an only child and understand the isolation you are feeling.
Have you a support network or someone you can rely on? There is absolutely no time line to grief, you must take all the time you need to grieve your devastating losses.
I hope this forum will give you some support and comfort. It has helped me enormously. We are all here to listen, we understand your pain and you are not alone.
Sending love and strength.Kate xx
Hi Kate, I managed 2 pancakes but Tom had 6! Honestly, sometimes it’s like having another kid. He felt sickly for the rest of the evening. Oh yes, lemon and sugar, definitely. Your mum had good taste!
Alex’s homework on the heart and circulation sounds right up my street. I love anatomy and it still amazes me how everything works. I can’t remember my kids getting much homework in primary school. Mostly reading books etc. I know where my son works in Barcelona, they do get a longer summer break. I think they finish in June until September.
Did you ever explore church. I’ve been going every Sunday but I haven’t had any divine bolt of lightening type thing but it has been comforting. My dad came with me last Sunday which I was so happy about. He hasn’t been for a couple of years but still knows a few people there. It was nice to see how happy they were to see him. He didn’t want to stay at the end which is fine. He gets a bit overwhelmed when people start talking about mum, which is inevitable right now. I worry about dad becoming reclusive. I’m not seeing him today. I intend to back off a bit in future as he needs to find his own way through this. he knows our door is always open for him to come here. I love seeing dad but it is emotionally quite draining just being in the house surrounded by mums stuff and also seeing dad so lost. He probably needs the odd day alone to have a cry etc without us there.
It’s nice your cousin has been a good support. I think it makes you realise who genuinely cares when you lose a loved one. A couple of friends who I normally only see every few weeks maybe months, have been wonderful. It’s made me appreciate them so much more. I’ve been disappointed with some including my own daughter at their lack of concern or at least it feels like that. We video chatted Harriet and the girls last night and she didn’t once mention mum or ask how I am. I’m just trying to think maybe she doesn’t want to upset me. I don’t know. I’m not getting bitter about it at all but it just makes you think. That’s disappointing that your mums sister hasn’t been in touch considering she’s a close relative.
I want my mum to continue to be a huge part of my life. Mum never saw any bad in anyone. She would have just said ‘Harriet is just coping in her own way, love. She doesn’t realise you need to talk about it’ Im going to try and be more like mum. Mum had such a happy outlook on life. She never held a grudge if someone treated her bad. There was always a reason in mums eyes. Our mums can live on through us. We are half of our mums. We are who we are because of them. We will always love them.
We collect mums ashes on Friday. My younger sister is coming with me and dad. I’ve felt more down since I got the call but I think I will feel better once we have them.
I am back in work tomorrow. My job is seeing patients but not as hands on as my old job. I do bloods, blood pressure, vaccinating, screenings, lifestyle issues, chronic disease management such as diabetes, hypertension etc. I’m not sure if I have a list of patients tomorrow or if they’ve just given me some on line learning to ease me in. They are a lovely bunch and I know they will be really kind.
I’ve gone over 24 hours without crying so I feel I can manage work. It’s been nice not having sore eyes for a change and tissues everywhere. I know the tears will be back but it’s been a break. Im glad you had a brief moment where mum wasn’t your overriding thought. We need this to live a normal life. I realise there will be a time where I start to think about other things. Im looking forward to that. It won’t mean I love mum any less or I’ve ‘forgotten’ but it will be sign that I am starting to build a life around my grief which I am aiming for. Take care Kate. Sending you love and thoughts Hxxx
Hi Leah, just reading your story made me shudder. It’s unimaginable what happened. The shocking and life changing events must have been so traumatic and still will be. Nobody can dictate how you should be feeling and when you should be ‘moving on’. Of course you will be in the depths of despair, trying to find a way through. It’s to be expected and sounds normal. It’s still recent and it will take time. Have you had the time and space to allow the grief to engulf you? Are you trying to keep going for the sake of others? I’ve been reading and listening to podcasts etc. there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I’ve heard a few people say they just let their emotions flow in the early stages. Cry, scream, get angry, punch cushions. I’ve allowed myself to do this for 6 weeks since I lost my darling mum. For me this has been necessary while I’ve been off work. I don’t have anyone else in the house during the day so it has been easy for me to do this. No one can advise you really as it is so individual but I will say, allow yourself to go with your feelings. Try not to fight it. It’s normal. It feels totally horrible and exhausting but it’s important to let the pain come out. Ignore anyone who says you should be feeling better by now. How are you sleeping? Eating? Have you got support? Sending you love and thoughts Helen xx
Aww Leah,
My heart goes out to you I cannot imagine what you have been through.
Keep posting on here because you are among people who really understand and will reply and support you.
Have you had any family members to support you?
It must have been the worse shock ever for you.
Dont know what to say except I am thinking of you and am here if you need a chat
Deborah x
Hi Helen,
You are right, I’ve come to the conclusion that people go quiet because they don’t know what to say or they are worried about upsetting us. I’m sure that’s the case with Harriet. One of my closest friends lost her mum years ago and looking back, I was probably very absent too. Only when you go through it yourself do you truly understand what it feels like and what the grieving really need.
I honestly think that if I was in the Uk, I would go to church. Here it’s different because I’m not catholic and I couldn’t connect the way I would at my local parish. I’ve never been particularly religious, but I do feel that it would give me comfort now. I think as Christians, during moments of deep pain and grief,this is the one time we need to have faith in the afterlife and that it doesn’t all end with death.
I think it’s a good idea that you are giving your dad some space to reflect on his loss alone and to get used to his new life. He will know that you and your sisters are there when needed. I do feel for him.
I’m also fascinated about how the human body works. Over the years I used to go with mum to her various appointments and had always researched her conditions so thoroughly. I was probably a total pain for the doctors with the endless lists of questions!!
I would have loved to study medicine, but have a real aversion to blood…so a no go.
I’ve been thinking about mum’s condition. When I emailed her heart nurse to tell her about mum’s passing, I told her that it was a shock and I honestly hadn’t realised that half of heart failure deaths are due to cardiac arrest. I just assumed she would get gradually worse and become bed ridden (which I know now is probably worse). I asked why that topic had never been brought up during her home visits. I can understand that it’s difficult for the clinicians to discuss, but I feel the patient and relatives should know the possible outcome of their condition. She agreed that it should have been discussed at the beginning of her diagnosis. Maybe I would have been more prepared.
Also why was she referred back to her GP in August after her check up? She said it was because mum’s medication had been optimised and she was stable. This gave us a false sense of security, but now I’m thinking maybe it was more a question of there’s nothing more we can do at her age etc…I know that it’s futile and that heart failure can decompensate rapidly, but these doubts are there.
We all try to get through this hell as best we can. I haven’t cried incessantly or every single day, but that’s just me. I’m still utterly lost without her. Even when I realise I haven’t thought about mum for a while or really laughed, I know she’s always there right inside, but the pain is just a little less. This is how it will be for you too.
Wishing you all the best for tomorrow Helen…you can do this!! Am looking forward to hearing how it went.
Sending love, Kxx
Hi Leah,
I underatnd completely what you are going through… my mum suddently died also last July, i do did CPR i manged to bring her back for enough time for the paramedics to arrive but sadly she passed away that same evening. I just eanted to reach out and let you know that even though the event still traumatises me and i struggle to sleep some nights i know i fought for my mum till the very end and you too should feel proud if yourself, you fought fir your loved one, i have worked for the NHS for 10 years and never had to do CPR on anyone and my first was my own mother… nothing quite prepares you for that.
I know how you feel as time goes by everyone else forgets that you still carry this every weight of grief, unfortunately until it hapoens to them i dont think anyone will truly understand our pain. But i read a nice quote the other day ‘a broken heart heart is a heart that has been loved’. Our loved ones will be smiling down on us and they are woth us every day even if we cant see them they are there.
Keep in touch, sending love and strength your way xxx
Hi Kate, I can relate to the Jack of empathy with medics. It’s like they just see the condition and forget there is a person there with a life and loved ones. My poor mum was all alive when they told her about the lung cancer! They’d just been going on to her trying to get her to agree to DNAR! Mum was amazing, so stoic but I can only guess what was going through her head that night. They told her after we’d gone home from evening visiting. Poor mum. It makes me sad to think of her all alone with that bombshell. I’m really annoyed they did that. Like you say, it’s just a medical condition to them. They don’t seem to think of the person or relatives. How easy would it be to just prepare people of the possible implications of the condition and warn them what could happen? We can’t let it spoil our memory of our mums but it’s not good at all.
Today was my first day back. Luckily my favourite colleague was in who lost her mum at a young age. I feel better talking to people who’ve gone through it. I agree, you have no idea of the hell of this until you’ve been through it. I too question if I was understanding enough when friends have talked about their losses in the past. I guess not. How could I when I had no concept of how utterly unbearable it truly is. But, my goodness, don’t we know now? We are members of the worst club. I did okay at work. I was a bit weepy when I first went in. I couldn’t speak to anyone. Just a quick ‘hi’ then went to my room and shut the door. I was fine with patients as was preoccupied. A couple of people came in my room between patients and they too have lost a parent. I had a bit of a cry then. It’s strange how you can be more open to people who’ve been through it. It’s like they can validate your feelings. It was okay.
Another biggie today was picking up mums ashes. It was meant to be tomorrow but change of plan meant it was today. Dad not coping too well so couldn’t handle her going to their house which is a shame as I so wanted to take her home. Anyway, she’s at my house now and I’m currently sat next to her. It is definitely a comfort having her close. I’ve cried a lot since I got her ashes back but glad to have them. How has your day been. Have you been at work.
Tom has just pulled up with our chippy tea so I’ll say cheerio for now. Sending love and thoughts to you Hxxx
Sorry for predictive text on previous message. Didn’t get chance to read through. Xx
Aww well done Helen, it’s been an important and eventful day for you!!
I’m glad work went well and your colleagues were sympathetic. I’m sure you will soon get back into it.
I’m finding that working is helping me a lot. I always feel more melancholic when I’m at home. I like my job so it isn’t a chore and it keeps my mind busy with something else for a while.
It’s good that you feel close to your mum now she’s back with you. I do too. I immediately felt comfort when I brought her home. I feel she’s among us when we are getting on with our lives… just watching Tv, relaxing, Alex doing his homework and getting stroppy when his team loses, just as things were. I always speak to her too.
Are you going back to work on a gradual basis?
I felt a bit down today, well it’s that empty feeling. Sometimes just thinking about the future makes me sad and scared. It feels bleak now. Mum had lost both her parents and her husband by 44 and went on to have a long life. She was happy again despite her losses, she was a very brave and stoic lady. I want to be more like she was. If only I coud tell her this now, how proud I am for all that she went through and the challenges she overcame in her life.
Sending love and positive thoughts. Kxx
Aw Kate, I can relate to feeling scared about the future without mum. I try to stop myself thinking about it as it just makes me too sad. I get really bad anxiety at the thought of it. I also, try not to do the ‘mum would love this, I wish I could show mum this etc’ I’ve been bad most of the week tbh. It’s been a tough one.
I know what you mean about keeping your mind occupied. I can see work being good for that. I just need to get past the initial ‘sorry to hear about your mum’ ‘how are you doing Helen’ once I’ve spoken to everyone and I can just be ‘normal’ I will see the benefit of it.
Sounds like we are both in a dip right now. Let’s just allow it to run its course and hope we will feel better in the next day or two. Off to sleep now but will think about you and our beautiful mums who live within us, always. They were amazing how they dealt with loss. We need them here to teach us how to do this. Yes, they are our inspiration and hope, that we will go on to be happy. We will. Night-night. Speak soon and sending love Hxx
Aww Helen and Kate,
Everything you have written resonates with me. I am so scared of the future and carrying on carving out a new life for myself without my mum.I know one day I will be able to find the strength to cope better but right now I need the strength to help me get to that point. My whole life is connected to her and everything I do reminds me of her.
Today has been the most difficult of days. Just cried so much.Yesterday I hardly cried but today has been the opposite.I gave up trying to function today because I simply couldn’t. It was easier to escape to my spare bedroom and sleep al day bec sleep is the only relief I have at the mo.
I really am trying to get through each day by talking about mum as if she is stil her and looking at and kissing her photo. I have looked for signs but nothing for days. My husband has offered to help me in any way I can think of but nothing is helping me.
I think I will collect my mum’s ashes like you have.i hate the fact she is still back at the Chapel of rest. I would like to bring her home.I will arrange it soon as after reading you feel better I think I will do the same.
Am so glad I joined this site because as you can see I can’t sleep and I have somewhere to write my feelings.
Thinking of everyone going through this at the moment.
Deborahx
Hi Deborah, sorry to hear you’re still really struggling but I think it’s to be expected. We are still at the early stages of grief.
I’ve woke up this morning with such a bad anxiety. My husband is working further away so is staying away just for one night. It’s made me quite panicky. I’ve not told him but he’s just gone now and I can feel my panic building up. I know I’m going to spend most of today crying as I will have a lot of time alone. I am seeing my dad later and I am getting more feelings of dread going there. It’s just so hard seeing mums stuff everywhere and dad looking so lost and sad. I’d prefer him to move but he has great neighbours and it’s his home so would never suggest it to dad but deep down it’s getting harder to go there but I have to for dad. I can’t speak to him about mum as he can’t cope with talking about her which is a worry. I try and fight back tears when I’m there. It’s just so draining
Sometimes I don’t even want to think of the day ahead as it’s too daunting a thought that another day I won’t see my mum. It’s hour by hour sometimes. I do feel better having mums ashes. I made a special area for her and cut out a rainbow to put on the box. Just after mum died a rainbow filled the sky so it’s quite symbolic for us. I was cleaning the room especially for her. I was crying so much and shouting and I swore too, then apologised to mum as she never swore and didn’t like it. I definitely feel her close. I lit a candle next to her and put a photo with her. It’s very upsetting when they pass you the ashes but like you, didn’t want mum on a shelf somewhere. The lady at the undertakers was so lovely, she sat and talked to me for a good half hour. I wanted to take mum home as she loved her house so much but dad couldn’t handle her being there. I was disappointed but she’s safe with me for now. Im just too sad all the time. I just want my mum back so very much, just to see her and hug her again. I’d do anything, give all I have, go to the ends of the earth. She’s half of me and I’ve lost a huge part of me and who I am. The pain and life change is overwhelming. Like you, my whole life was entwined in hers. Everything makes me think of mum. Even dates I think, ‘I still had mum then’ it’s hard to bear.
Glad this forum is helping you. It’s been a massive help for me too. It’s only people who are going through it that can understand. Sending you love, thoughts and strength Hxx
Hi Helen
Yes grief is so strange. Sometimes I am thinking of all the positives: mum was with us, she was a good age, it was quick, we got extra time together etc but then another day I’m thinking WHY didn’t I spend more quality time with her, WHY didn’t I take her for a check up in those last weeks, WHY was I so miserable and snappy at times, WHY didn’t I ask her how she felt emotionally etc etc … it’s just a rollercoaster isn’t it? I guess it’s all normal because we love them.
The one thing that gives me strength is thinking what mum would want for me and what would she do in my shoes?
To live my life and be happy of couse! She would hate to see me on my bad days! She would say come on Kate, get a grip girl…you still have a life to live…a boy who needs you…don’t waste it on being miserable!! Sit with your grief, let it in but don’t let it destroy you. Just like she did 42 years ago.
I would so love to just hug her today and sit and chat.
I dreamt of her last night… again couldn’t remember the details this morning, but it was good I th ink.
We must be kind to ourselves, cut ourselves some slack, be proud that we are still moving forward every day, though at times that’s not how it feels.
I’m going out with a former colleague of mine tonight, just a drink/ pizza and a good chat. It will do me good I think.
Always here if you want to chat day or night😁
Love K xxx
Be kind to yourself Deborah, just do what feels right. Its such early days!
I’m all over the place… some days are hard, others I feel more normal. We just have to believe that one day we will feel better and have faith that our mums love us, see us and want us to carry on living our lives and looking to the future with optimism.
Sending love and strength.Kxx
Hi Helen and Kate,
Have had a slightly better day today. Read a post on here last night from Tykey and it was about making plans for the future I am not at the future stage yet but thought I would write down a plan for each day so I did that immediately after reading the post last night. Well I stuck to it and got 4 small things done. I am like a little child saying I did this today or did that. It is so hard though as I just want to sit and do nothing.
I showered, I washed clothes. ironed bedsheets and duvets and ordered new wardrobes on line. Not a huge amount to some but to me it was massive.
I have also written my list for tom
Thank you for your kind encouraging words and to everyone else who has contacted me.
Next week I am going to get mums ashes home. I think i will feel better having her with me for a while.
Thinking of you all
Deborah x
Hi Kate, yes I think all our constant questioning and going over and over it all is part of the process. It’s our brains trying to make sense of the unthinkable. We still cannot take on fully that our mums are not here with us. It’s too much for us to take right now. Every so often I feel like I’ve accepted it but then all the questions and overthinking return. There will be a time when we think ‘it was just her time. Mums do die. Everyone does’. It’s just too much right now.
I’ve dipped over the last few days. I’ve been very weepy and anxious. I’m trying to just let it out. My body knows what it needs to do and I’m trying to listen to it. Mum told me to live a happy life, for her so I know I must. Eventually.
I’m glad to hear you went out with friends. I bet the pizza was nice. Authentic Italian, yum. I hope you had a great time Kate. We have to keep going don’t we? Pushing through this darkness. I’ve been invited to a birthday in April. I’ve said I’m a definite maybe. I’m hoping to be in a slightly better place by then and able to socialise more. At the moment it’s just seeing family and the odd friend only just recently.
I have mums ashes here. They are in a room that we rarely use. I cleaned and tidied it all for her and put her on a chest in there which is a family heirloom from her side. I’ve said good morning and goodnight to her and kissed the box. I find it a comfort to have her here but also terribly sad to see that box. I just have to think it is just the vessel that enabled my mums spirit and soul to be here on earth. She lives in me, my cells are half her DNA. I am me because of her. My family is here because of her. I live my life because of her. She is everywhere in that sense.
I am seeing all the Mother’s Day cards in the shops. It’s not making me feel any worse. I always got mum a card and small gift but Mother’s Day was never a big thing for us anyway. Every day was Mother’s Day. We didn’t say we loved each other every day but we did say it quite a lot. We saw each other all the time and spending that time together is saying ‘I love you’ we knew how much. Mum knew how much we loved her. We adored her. Always will. She told the nurses how much her family loved her. Nothing will ever change the love we shared. The pain we feel is the love we feel.
Our mums are our greatest teachers and we have to learn from them how to cope with this loss. They are our guide by how they did it. They went on to be happy. We need to focus on life and the living for the rest of our time here on earth. We will get there, one day. Have a good weekend and speak soon. Lots of love to you Hxx