Aww i live in stanley,co.durham so a bit far fir me as much as id loveto xx
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Hi shellbel, sorry it’s been so difficult for you. I too have felt like I don’t want to be here anymore so I can relate to that. It can be overwhelming and the emotional pain has been unbearable at times. I haven’t had the added stress of trying to find a home for me and my kids. Glad you have somewhere to make your own. I really hope you can find some peace at last. Wishing you a much better 2025! Hxxx
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Hi Deborah, that’s brilliant you getting the train to Cardiff. I’m proud of you for pushing yourself. I think for those of us who’ve had to go back to work, it has made us face life head on. When I first went back after losing mum I was very wobbly. I cried a lot between patients and looking back I must have looked awful. If I’d had the choice I could have easily stayed indoors.
No wonder you’ve lost confidence. We’ve been to hell with all this and still pulling ourselves out. I liken it to a car crash and we are slowly crawling from the wreckage, terribly wounded.
Grief definitely leaves its mark. I now have episodes of anxiety which I didn’t really have before. Also, I was always a really good sleeper but I nearly always wake in the night now and have a feeling of sadness and worry. I rarely have a full nights sleep and that’s only because exhaustion has built up so much.
I saw the advert for Sue Ryder. What an absolute godsend this forum has been. Just knowing others are struggling too is so reassuring. How many times have we all felt like we’re going mad but then realise others have felt the same? What a special and unique bond we all have?
I’m going to bed soon as exhausted so will say night-night everyone. Lots of love Hxxx
How are you Kate? Are you over your illness now? I still haven’t had the ‘good cry’ I felt it was brewing but now. That feeling has eased. January is tough. It’s my eldest granddaughters 8th birthday and I’ve been feeling sorry for myself that I’m not there to share the joy. She’s just turned 8.
Mums anniversary on 15th. Like we all do, I’ve started going over this time 2 years ago. We got her home on 10th Jan and spent the final 5 days of her life at her bedside watching her fade away. There was so much love in those 5 days. It was like nothing else in the world existed.
We are going away in 18th for a couple of days to your neck of the woods. Cotswolds. We are only going for the weekend but I’ve booked all next week off work so hopefully will feel well rested.
We need to start planning our meet up in March. EVERYONE IS WELCOME!!
Bye for now and wishing you all peace and calm. Love Hxxx
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Hi Everyone
Oh Helen the Cotswolds… how I miss them!! Where are you going? Our favourite is Bourton on the Water but all the villages are so beautiful.
So many memories….
I know January will be hard for you and looking back and reliving those final weeks, days is tough. Let the tears come when it’s time. Has James left? It’s always difficult when that happens. Mum used to be so down in January once we’d gone back after Christmas. Me too. It’s a long, cold grey month I feel, but the snowdrops and daffodils will soon be out. Spring is just around the corner. That’s what mum always used to say.
I’m ok thank you. We were in Parma at the weekend and I revisited all the places that I frequented as a student and also a few places I took mum to see when she visited one time.
A cappuccino in the park, a drink in a sidewalk café in the centre, some shops we went to… it was a week end of happy but poignant memories. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it here but those 4 months in Parma were probably the most happy and carefree of my life. New friends, independence, an exciting overseas experience with a new language to learn and a new boyfriend too lol. It brought it all back. I had mum then too. Life was so uncomplicated.
Deb you mentioned your mum’s house. I phoned my aunt a week or so ago and she said the council did loads of work to mum’s then put it on the market again. 
Apparently it couldn’t be used as an HMO in the end as there are too many in that area. I’m glad tbh. We will see I guess.
How are you all? I’ve just seen the floods on the news in the north but also in Gloucestershire.
Stay safe everyone.
Love K xxxx
It really is Kate x Lovely words x
Deb x
Hi Helen,
Went out yesterday and today to the shops to look around the sales. On my own and drove the car
I am so grateful that I have realised what’s happened to me so I can work on it. I actually felt so much better being out and about being independent again. I had really forgotten what it was like to see people going about their lives, listening to chit chats with people, hearing people say " Enjoy your day". It was lovely to see items in the shops as I have shopped online for everything since mum passed or Paul has shopped. It hit home how I have wasted away from the world staying home all the time.
It’s so easy to just stay home and do nothing with no job to get for and prepare for or young family to look after. But I know mum would be furious with me for not living my life.
Anyway enjoy the Cotswolds. Went there years ago and it was beautiful. You will love it there.
Love Deb x
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I saw this and i agree true to words x
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Hi Nicola,
Welcome to our group.
Hope whatever we all post helps you in some way.
Please feel free to join in with the conversations whenever and as often as you like.
You will find love and support here with this site and our small group
Love Deborah x
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Hi Deb, I’m so glad you managed to get out and about and actually enjoyed it. It’s like we have to find a new way of living our lives now. Your mum would be very proud of you. Keep going lovely. You’re doing great.
It’s mums anniversary on Wednesday and I’ve offered to work. We are very short staffed and I just thought I’m best keeping busy rather than moping around. I will do something to mark the day later but I would prefer to celebrate her birthday. I don’t want to think of her date of death too much as it’s so painful.
Lots of love Hxxx
Hi all, sorry for not posting for a while, I had been home with my dad which was lovely but coming back to the city and being alone again has been quite hard. It was like we got each other through the festive time now it is back to reality of being alone and trying to get through the day. I miss mum so much more here. At home with dad, I can go and see her at her grave and leave a flower or just say hello. I miss her terribly just now. Reading the conversations between you all has helped, makes me realise I am not really alone. I just find it hard to get myself to do anything, my flat is a mess, haven’t even unpacked my bag from being away. It is so cold as well, outside, the frost seems just relentless. I can’t bear to go out. Anyway, welcome to the new people joining, or returning. It’s a difficult place we are, but the support from this forum has been massive. Please keep going everyone, it’s hard, but we will get through it somehow. Thank you for posting the poem, it’s beautiful. Gill xxx
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Aww Gill it’s tough after Christmas isn’t it? Being with our loved ones then the harsh cold reality of January and another new year without our lovely mums. It’s hard to find positives this month.
I’m feeling the January blues too.
We are all here to offer support.
Thinking of you. Kxxx
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Thanks Kate, it is tough, I’ve always found winter harder, like lots of people do, and every year I vow to be stronger, but then when the time comes I just muddle through it. Especially now without mum there. You must be all feeling this way too.
Mum related to this as well, and was a spring summer person. The thing I hate is letting people down when your low and don’t feel you can do normal things.
Thank you all, hope the weekend brings some good things for you.
Gill xxx
Hi Gill,
It’s tough right now for you after spending time with your dad. Being home brings back all the raw emotions again. And the start of a new year is so tough. Somehow we have to ride the storm and carry on. It’s very tough though.
Do you have any plans to start walking again. You enjoyed that. But again the weather is awful at the moment.
I think we need to get through Jan and Feb then at least we can look forward to all the signs of Spring and I know you love watching the birds from your windows.
And we have our meet up to look forward to.
Which will be so lovely
Keep going as best you can Gill.
Post when you feel we can and share how you are feeling.
Love Deb x
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Hi @Kate111 i went to parma following my rugby team about 13 years ago. Really liked it and food was delicious! @seychelles i’m lucky i can have 6 months of on full pay - obviously there are limits, criteria etc. Last time i was off work sick was 2023, a week, i had chickenpox - yes odd for a 50 year old! Before that 2016. All, i’m feeling brighter now xmas is over -got washed and dressed before 11 today instead of 15:00 in previous weeks. Brain seems to have woken up a bit. I saw escape to the country the other day and the buyer talked about being a widow and her brain fog, inability to make a decision - struck a cord. Hoping to go back to work soon. Nervous about it as work that pushed me over the edge but can do a phased return and have liads of leave to use so today feeling positive, who knows about tomorrow!
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Hi Sarah,
That’s a good plan to go back on phased return. Work out a sort of plan that’s best for you. It will ease you back into work gently hopefully.
Wonderful you are feeling a bit better. Getting up earlier is great. I used to be the same staying in bed until what seemed forever and in the early days I hardly got out of bed.
It’s heartbreaking looking back and remembering.
Slowly you will get stronger and we are all different so do whatever works for you.
I have found I have gone through every emotion going and right now I am trying to come to terms with trying to live again. I don’t know how to explain it but I have just been surviving the past two years. I have finally realised to start living I need to sort myself out emotionally first. I don’t know how I am going to do It though but going out is something I am going to focus on. I don’t mean socialising but simple things like going out of the house more. Need to get my independence back so this year is devoted to that.
Just want to say we’ll done in turning a tiny corner since Xmas.
Love Deb x
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Hi Helen,
Good idea to work on the anniversary. I would too. I agree about anniversaries. I just lit a candle for mum and bought done flowers and put some led silver twigs in amongst them with her photo on a table. I really didn’t feel like doing anything special as it wasn’t that sort of day. Just a day of quiet reflection and sadness.
Keeping busy in work will help you I am sure.
I am back in Cardiff decorating at Glyn’s flat. It’s really helping me as there are no memories here and it feels different somehow. We have a photo of mum here though so she’s here with us.
What date is our meet up? Got a new diary so getting organised. Won’t be long. Looking forward yo it
Love Deb x
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Hi Deb @seychelles i did ok at first went to rugby day afer she died, concerts in june and july (june is loaded with family birthdays) work events, met friends etc. But fell apart months later - work pushed me over the edge and my brain
shut down. Had my haircut and was asked what to do with my fringe, i replied dont care if you shave it all off - just couldn’t make a decision. Years ago when i was off with stress i would have a shopping list and everyday I’d get one thing just to make myself get out of the house. I have suffered from anxiety before, couldn’t leave the house (weeks before I’d backpacked in Chile) so after 3 days made my boyf take me to my favourite park. Sorry rambling
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Hi Sarah! Wow what a small world! Did you see the 6 nations in Parma? My son’s football tournament was actually in the rugby stadium complex! I’d never seen that before.
I’m glad you are feeling better after Christmas. You may find that working helps you, I certainly did. I went back a week after mum died. It was very soon, but it helped as in those 6 hours a day I could focus on something apart from my grief and it got me out of the house and forced me to shower, dress, drive again etc.
Sending love,
K xxx
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