Hi all, I’ve not been on for a while, have been missing reading all your updates so am just checking in. I love the sound of the places you have visited, England sounds beautiful. So much variety! You have lovely villages there too.
I have found the last week a bit challenging, been tearful and guilty feelings when I think about mum and my life around the time when she died was so taken up with silly things, like unsuitable/not very nice men. I regret not paying more attention to her and wasting time I could have had with her, with them.
She was so special (like all our mums), and it’s hard when it just hits you sometimes and it’s overwhelming sadness that comes.
Thanks Helen and Deb for asking about the counselling, I have my last session tonight and it’s been quite hard really, but I think it’s helped me process some of the thoughts I have like guilt and also the fear of losing others, and hopelessness about the future. I think the Cruse bereavement counsellors are volunteers, so not maybe clinical professionals but they have a lot of experience of grief and they maybe match you to someone who is going to be understanding of you as a person and what you are going through. (I did an assessment months ago - the waiting list was a long time, so I felt a bit like, what’s the point now? but it’s been helpful). To be honest, I have dreaded the sessions, but usually feel better afterwards - it’s just on the phone so nothing too onerous like visiting a clinic or something!
The lady I have spoken to has a lot of personal experience of grief and she spoke about how the relationship between mother and daughter is special and it’s very hard when the parent and child relationship is broken through death. She said this can make you feel more anxious about things generally, like facing the future, as the person who I always relied on in life isn’t there. So I can understand your fear of losing more people you love, I’d think even more so if you have lost both your mum and dad recently. She says any kind of major loss is the thing that really rocks people and gives them such a wobble, we kind of reassess our place in the world without our loved one. She says that however you do that and however long it takes is not fixed, it can take as long as you want and be a real journey of self discovery. She has suggested to me to talk to my mum as if she’s there. It’s surprisingly difficult (maybe because I feel she would be cross with me just now as am not coping well and am being unhealthy in day to day life, staying up late, not eating good food, some drinking). So, I think maybe I will take a lot from it, but maybe also will need to keep working on myself, working out who I am now? We are the same people outside, but feel very very different inside! It’s not something others really see either which can be hard.
Little things came up, like I had to do Christmas dinner this year (kind of, we get a takeaway one from a hotel!), and I actually kind of enjoyed doing this. But it’s also really hard as it highlights that my mum is missing from the picture, and I have this new role which I don’t really want, but it’s ok really, I can find my way through it.
Anyway, am rambling, I hope you are all ok and hope to meet you in March! Manchester here we come!! Gill xxxx
lots of love H xxx