Hello everyone, I’m so sorry for the silence. It’s so tough to explain. The last three weeks at work have been insanely busy and it sort of numbs me, throwing myself into it. No me time, even. I’m just purely functioning. That said, the moment I stop I’m overwhelmed with sadness. I know we all know and feel this.
I also worry all the time. About myself but also those I love who are still here, even my lovely dog.
What’s so strange, and what knocks me sideways several times a week, is that I sometimes almost stop and it’s as though this is all pretend and my mum is still alive and with me. And then, just as quickly, I don’t know or recognise myself at all because I seem the same in so many ways but I just don’t feel the same, deep inside. I’m doing almost all the same stuff and saying the same things and thinking the same way etc but I am so so different and changed and it feels so hollow and lonely. Sorry, I’m rambling (you can all probably tell I’ve been reading everything here but with no time to post so everything just bottles up!). It’s such a hard thing to define and describe. It’s like I’m still in shock. I can’t believe this is all real. Its like I am going through the motions, feeling terrible but as though it will all end soon and suddenly my mum will be back saying “well done darling, look at your little face, you look tired and strained, have a break now”. Like it’s a trial that will all be over. But it’s actually just life now.
Then I keep thinking of my young mum, before she had me and how sad and scared she would be to know about all of this but also how proud of me she would be and how much she loved me.
Anyway, it’s too sad to keep thinking about, especially when I am sure we are all feeling this. It’s just so unfair for us all, and for our lovely mums. That’s sort of it right now, when I do have time to think I feel angry and sad and like a child!! Mad, isn’t it??
@Helen51 oh Browns is lovely, isn’t it? Such a fab idea but also, I’m easy with wherever. And yes, I can’t wait to meet you all who will be there - I’ll be there for sure, probably just a day visit this time.
@seychelles I’ve been thinking of you, now especially - all those anniversaries are so so hard, aren’t they?
Thinking of everyone in fact and, even though I’ve been so busy, I’ve been reading away and so so glad you are all here. I honestly never thought I’d be a forum person like this! Its amazing.
And now I’ve worked out how to post from my laptop (you’d never believe I work in social media haha), I’ll be able to post more, even when I’m busy.
Its so good to have things to look forward to like meeting up or even a blue sky!
Does everyone have nice weekend plans?
Sending you all such strength.
Lxx
tournament 
, but will keep on looking when I have a moment.
I try and do it in private. I’m looking forward to meeting you. We were all really nervous when we first met but after a short time we couldn’t shut up! It’s such a unique friendship we have. In some ways we are strangers yet we know some of our most intimate thoughts and feelings.