Hi Helen and Deborah
Have had a nice weekend in the mountains, Helen yes we were in the Dolomite region of the Alps. I did a lot of walking in nature, the boys managed to ski a bit even though there’s only snow on the slopes. It’s so mild.
The break helped but then it seems strange because when we went away I would always phone mum and send her photos and videos of where we went and things we did.
Even these small things are different now. Life is different, I feel different and can’t feel joy at the moment. The future feels scary and uncertain. There’s that sadness inside that doesn’t disappear, that’s the grief I guess.
Helen I think it’s normal you want to spend a lot of time at your dad’s, you don’t want to leave him alone now and that’s good. I can imagine you are scared of losing him too. It’s human nature. After what we’ve been through we can’t take anything for granted any more. Our lives have been turned upside down, inside out and we have to wait for the dust to settle.
Deborah… wow you have done so much, well done to you for all you have accomplished in a few days!!
I hope you continue to feel comforted having your mum’s ashes back home. It did feel so sad and surreal when they gave mum back to me, but also comforting.
I’m so glad you felt close to your mum at her house. I do hope it will be the same for me.
Hi Kate and Helen and Julest.
Lovely to hear from you again . Yes looking back I got through a lot. I found an inner strength and just kept going in case I wasn’t strong enough the next day.
I feel the same about the phone. I was always phoning mum sometimes several times a day. I miss our chats so much
Julest I still google sometimes for ages. It has helped me understand that nothing could have saved my mum. The blockage was something called a closed loop and it had twisted in her small intestine so she had no chance whatsoever without an operation and she wouldn’t have survived an op. At the time i wanted them to operate but now i realise if they had done so I wouldn’t have had the 5 weeks left with her. The survival rate for that type of op was very low and she wouldn’t have made it due to the additional problem of having a blood clot on her lung and receiving blood thinners for it. Googling has helped me come to terms with what happened to her even though people always tell me not to google.
Little things trigger me .I made a curry last night and it was one of her favourites. I always made some for her and put it into small containers in the freezer so i could take up for her . Last night I opened the cupboard door where my tubs were and then it hit me that I wouldn’t do that again. It just stopped me in my tracks. So sad.
My son came home today so have been having a catch up. So lovely to have him home and of course his wonderful huge bag of washing.
No Helen I don’t have any grandchildren. Only had my son who is seeing a lovely girl but its early days for them yet as only met her last Aug. I am sure he will buy a house soon but for now I am enjoying him home here when he is in the area. I am sure grandchildren one day will be a new chapter in my life.
I felt so much better having mums ashes back though. Wasn’t sure how I would feel to be honest but it was just what i needed. Like you though I struggle to get my head around the fact that she is not here anymore.
Kate I also feel the future is scary and don’t know how i will cope. I looked after my mum for the past ten years so it feels so strange having time to do whatever i want to do. Thing is I don’t want to do anything without her. It is such a strange feeling.
Today I opened just one of the big black bags with some of mums clothes that I had brought back. Was dreading it so thought I would just sort a few things. I managed to sort the whole bag. Tried so many items on and some fitted me and looked lovely. I did manage to smile at her 3 pairs of cut off trousers that she bought to go on holiday last Sept with me . She was 89yrs and I don’t know many 89yr olds who wore cut off trousers. Anyway I have kept so many things, have a bag for the charity shop and am giving a pile of things to my friends mum who is the same size as my mum. I still have another 3 large bags full to get through but one bag was enough for today. There is no rush so tomorrow I will attempt another one. Although it was very emotional I could feel mum with me saying you look nice in that and that suits you so keep that.
Am going to concentrate tom on putting up my new curtains in my bedroom and sorting another bag of mums clothes. That will be more than enough.
Hope you are all okish today I know you are not ok so feel daft even writing that but you know what I mean.
Thinking of you all
Deborah x
Hi Deborah and Kate
Kate, I’m so glad you had a nice weekend in nature. Don’t you find something so calming in nature, even at the best of times but even more so now? I’m sure the boys had fun in the snow too. We went to Innsbruck in Austria about 4/5 years ago. We were there late May/early June. The Alps were snow capped but the mountain sides were covered in beautiful meadow grass and wild flowers. We hiked up a mountain. The sound of the cow bells in the mountains reminded me of Heidi. We were with my son and his then girlfriend but they stopped at a bar halfway up the mountain complaining of feeling too tired!! So much for the energy of youth!! Either, that or the temptation of the cold beers on offer.
I find everything is bittersweet now. Like you say it’s all different. The world feels different without our mums. I too cannot find joy in anything either. I would normally spend Sunday afternoons dressmaking and as my mum was so good at crafts, she was always so interested in what I’d been making. When I was working on a project I used to think, ‘mum will like this’, ‘can’t wait to show mum’. She was so encouraging and enthusiastic about it. Now there’s no point to it without her. It’s very lonely. Like you couldn’t phone your mum or send her pictures of your adventures in the mountains. We’ve been doing it all our lives since we were little girls, sharing our accomplishments, experiences etc, and now we haven’t got that anymore. It’s a massive adjustment.
Deborah, I’m so glad you are getting such comfort having your mum’s ashes. Your son being home will give you another focus so I’m wishing you a more positive week. You were so involved in your mum’s day-to-day life, it’s no wonder you feel completely lost. Also, you must be wondering where your purpose lies now, as you cared for your mum so much. I can relate to the clothes. Dad hasn’t sorted mums clothes out yet. We’ve offered to help but I don’t think he can face it yet, which is fine. I did ask dad to save some clothes as I want to make all the children a memory bear. Also, I want one of her Manchester City t-shirts (she’s got lots) to wear when I go to the games. My sister brought mum a new blanket for when she came home at the end. Mum had it over her for her last few days. My sister told me keep it to put over me in the evenings and sometimes I just wrap it right round me. It’s a comfort. What a wonderful daughter you were and still are. I hope I get even half that care in my old age.
We had a family birthday yesterday. My great niece, dads great granddaughter, was 6 so we all went to her house in the afternoon. It was lovely seeing the children having fun being all excited. My sister brought my dad along. It’s so hard not having mum at these things but that’s how life is now. My dad seemed to enjoy seeing the little ones. Today I took dad to church this morning, went back to his where we did some of a jigsaw together, then me and Tom took Stella a walk. Quite a good Sunday really. Everyday is a fight not to let it overwhelm me. Tom is good at diverting the conversation when I get too melancholic. Most of my topics of conversation veer towards life and death, cancer, grief etc. I know I will cheer up one day but these are my overriding thoughts right now.
Anyway, I’m off to get my pyjamas in now to relax for the evening. Wishing us all peace for the coming week ahead. Thinking of you and sending my love Hxxx
Hi Helen,
It’s the same for me . I feel everything I do is a fight because I could stay in bed all day and do nothing. Been putting a brave face on today as my son is home then I feel guilty so its a no win situation.
I am thinking of getting a cot blanket made from mums clothes. well the ones that are suitable . Ready in case I ever get grandchildren May get a blue and another pinks made in case I get a boy and a girl. If I don’t make something from them I will regret it.
My husband and I have decided to go out walking every day even if it is just for 10 mins. We have lovely beaches not far from us and my husband loves photography so he can combine the two.
I have done so much the past 3 days that I am worried I will crash soon. You never know with all this.
I need to go back to my mums house which is 30 miles away to sort more and bring more things back here. It has got to be done sometime and my brother and sister live 6 hrs away and hardly came to see my mum which in itself is upsetting so they wont come down now. I said I would sort everything and they were fine with it . The problem is after having cancer I get so so tired and the grief has just drained me.
I am concentrating on just sorting the draws and wardrobes in the 3 bedrooms first. I have almost finished one bedroom. I am aiming to do at least 2 by the end of March. The problem is I don’t have any more room here at my house for everything so i have to sort here first. But I will do it for mum.
Yes that’s exactly it I don’t know at the moment what my purpose is anymore. I am just trying to get through each day hour by hour.
Will message again soon
Thinking of you too
Deborah x
Hi Helen and Deborah
Deborah you certainly have been so busy and productive these last few days! I still have to sort through mum’s clothes she had here. I’m going to keep a fair few of them because some of them will fit me. Mum also had a pair of cut off trousers at 85 … lol.
Just haven’t felt up to sorting through it all yet, I will do in due course.
I also keep one of mum’s handkies with me and put a few drops of my special essential aromatherapy oil blend on it and every time I feel a bit low I take a sniff. It does seem to help to lift my mood and give me courage. I really believe in the healing power of plants and nature. The best antidepressants that exist!
Helen, I love Innsbruck. For Christmas 2010 my ex and I went there and mum flew out to join us. It was a different Christmas and we stayed in a lovely hotel. Lots of snow. Mum surprised me on Christmas morning. She had packed a little Christmas tree in her case complete with lights and decorations and she put our pressies under it in her hotel room. It was so lovely and typical of mum. Christmas was so special with her. She loved every minute.
It’s amazing how many memories keep popping up in my mind. Maybe… very slowly I’m getting to the stage where I can think more of the good times. It is a slow process because every now and then I get the intrusive thoughts of the last painful part of mum’s journey with my shortcomings and regrets,…but in time those painful memories will lesson and the good memories will shine through stronger. This is what a lot of people have told me about grief and we have to believe that we will get there don’t we?
I felt a bit weepy this morning as I was working from home so I had my usual cry and vent to mum. My therapist said that a good coping strategy is to let myself set aside a grieving time /window each day to be sad, cry vent etc and then try to be as positive as possible for the rest of the day. I think it’s a good idea. Also because our mums wouldn’t want us uo be moping around constantly would they?
Hope you’ve both had a good Monday so far. Take care.
Love Kxxx
Hi Helen and Kate,
Hope you are both okish today. Don’t really know how to properly ask that but you know what I mean. I love that you have kept a hankie Kate. I will try that because I have some essential oils here as I used to make home made soaps and bath bombs. Mum used to help me and she would love the patterns when they came out of the moulds. She used to help me make them and would love walking around my garden picking the rose petals and heather and lavender to go in them. I have decided to dig up some of my mums plants and shrubs and put them in my garden when the time comes when her house is sold. She has the most amazing rose tree in her garden with yellow roses on it. No matter how short i used to cut it it always grew back quite high . I put some lights on it for her and she loved it, She only had a tiny garden but loved collecting the seeds from the flowers and re planting them. Every year she would grow a sunflower and have a race with the little girl next door who would always grow one also.
Helen when you mentioned Innsbruck it reminded me of when we went to Switzerland and took mum with us. It was Christmas time too. We stayed in a beautiful hotel in the prettiest village ever with mountains all around us. On Christmas Eve we went for a horse drawn carriage ride through the village and stopped at the village church for midnight mass. It was so special. Snow was everywhere and the tress especially were so beautiful. Kate my mum loved Christmas too and every year we spent it with her. My son always used to open his presents then quickly say lets go to nans because he knew he would have a second load of presents to open. I am so glad we have our memories of wonderful times We were so lucky then and still am with the memories we have. Mum loved Father Christmassy things an had them everywhere. She even used to like it when people sent her a Xmas card with a Father Xmas on it lol.
Today I am going to continue sorting another bag of mums clothes, put my new curtains up and that’s it and sort a box of things for charity. That’s it then for today.
As my son is home I am trying to put on a brave face but have broken down a few times. She used to make him save when he was younger and when he went to uni all that went out of the window. Anyway this morning he showed me his new account details on his phone and said he had started again in memory of his nan and that just broke me and the tears just flowed.
Big hugs
Deborah x
Hi Kate and Deborah, I had a bad day yesterday. Just felt really weepy on my way to work. I managed to hold it together but was just really low all day. Didn’t really want to talk to anybody, just get the job done. I had a baby in for immunisations and her date of birth was 15th January, the same day mum died. It did make me realise how soon it was as the baby was tiny. It’s still very early days. I went to bed at 8.30 as just wanted the day to be over. I fell asleep straight away and have slept most of the night right through the 9 or so hours. That might do me good. I feel a bit stronger emotionally this morning.
Kate, you give us hope being a bit further along. I know we will all be different and there’s no timeline but it’s good to hear you are thinking more happy thoughts about your mum and remembering the good times. It’s lovely to hear the wonderful times you had with your mum. I can imagine how beautiful Innsbruck is at Christmas. I know it will get better as time goes on. I just miss mum so much and am feeling it so bad right now.
Deborah, you sound like you might have moved a step forward along the ‘grief path’ if there is such a thing. Just getting sorted at your mums house is progress. You have a big day on on Sunday as did you say it was your mums birthday as well as Mother’s Day? My sisters are dreading Mother’s Day but to be honest, nothing will make me feel more sad right now. When I see adverts for Mother’s Day on TV it’s not like I suddenly remember mum died as it’s there all the time anyway. So glad you have your son home. It gives things a new perspective. It’s nice to be surrounded by such love. Especially at the moment.
I do feel a bit more positive today so I’m hopeful of a better day today. The weather looks okay too. It was terrible yesterday; stormy rain. It was just a really depressing day all round. I’m drawing a line under yesterday and starting today in a better frame of mind. Wishing us all a good day. Sending you lots of love. Hxxx
Hi Helen and Kate,
Aww I understand Helen how you felt the other day. Nothing prepares us for the instant shock that comes over us when something triggers us. When I went to register mums death i was in the waiting room just sitting waiting for the registrar to come in to take me to another room when a family came in to register a new baby. One minute the receptionist was saying how sorry she was to me then congratulations to them. Up to that point I had managed to hole it together as it was my first trip out since mum passed but could instantly feel the tears coming. It made me realise how fragile live really is and how your world can change in a second. I felt it was out with one person and in with another. Needless to say once the registrar came to get me and i walked into her room and sat down I burst into tears. It’s the tiny little things isn’t it?
What I am experiencing now is people have stopped talking about mum. Not sure why. Maybe it’s because they don’t want to upset me even more, or don’t know what to say or feel it’s time to move on. Still bothers me though to notice this.
Next Sunday is my birthday and Mother’s Day so I am forgetting both. Not going out anywhere. Can’t face it. Maybe a spin in the car to a local beach with a flask of coffee will be enough. The thought of not having mum here to take out and not having a birthday card from her is way too much. As you say nothing will make me feel sadder than what I am anyway but I still don’t want to do anything special on Sunday. I haven’t put the TV on much this week so haven’t seen any adverts about Mothers Day which is good. Haven’t been to shops for at least 5 weeks either so that’s another place I shall avoid this week.
How are you feeling today Kate ? I liked what you said about your therapist saying to set aside a grieving time. Probably better said than done though as my grief is constant. Any other tips did she give you. Anything may help me as the stat I am in is a permanent sadness. Sometimes I cant even be bothered to answer people as i feel their conversations are so trivial. I know sometimes it’s rude but that’s how i feel. Everything in life seems so pointless
Had my son home for one night but he has gone to see his girlfriend who lives in Cardiff. Said he will be back on the weekend but I have asked him not to plan anything. Yes was lovely to see him again with his great big bag of washing lol. I cried a lot when he was here but in fairness he was so kind as he was extremely close to my mum and knew exactly how i felt.
Love to you both and am here for you anytime so writ again whenever you want to
Deborah x
Hi Helen and Deborah,
Helen so sorry you had a bad day yesterday. I know …there are triggers all around us. Today my colleague’s mum popped her daughter into work as she had to take her to the dentist’s. Just a simple " will call you later mum" got me welling up inside.
23 weeks in and yes I’m going about my life… I have to…but a big chunk is missing. I too cared for mum, she was with us and I had to think about her needs every day… then suddenly… she was gone. Now the house is still so silent and empty. The silence is almost loud.
I feel robbed of not being able to have had meaningful last conversations with her and to say our goodbyes, to hug her tight. It just seems so cruel.
Some days are head days :I can be logical thinking of her age, that she didn’t suffer (I hope), it was quick etc, but other days are heart days: I miss her so so much and can’t bear that one minute we were living our lives and the next she was gone.
I think grief is a mix of head and heart days and they are intermittent.
Deborah yes it’s true that it’s hard to put grief into a scheduled window, but I do find that once I’ve had a cry or vent to mum I do feel a bit better for a while.
People don’t even ask how I feel at all anymore… and that is a difficult part of grief for me. It’s the most lonely feeling in the world as we all know. I’m glad having your son home has helped. I don’t know how I’d cope without Alex.
We all grieve in our own way: there’s no wrong or right way. How much or little we cry isn’t an indicator of our pain or our love for our mum.
I am dreading Mother’s Day just because I was so used to spoiling mum on that day and we always celebrated. Luckily there isn’t all the hype here as it’s in May.
In fact 19th March is always Father’s Day here as it’s Saints Joseph’s Day.
Today is just a heart day (most days still are), but I can always sense mum telling me to carry on, to be happy and to think about her beloved grandson. I owe it to her to get there. She will continue to live through us, all our mums will live through us.
Sending love and hope for brighter days to us all.
Kxxx
Hi Kate and Deborah, I thought yesterday was going to be better but I felt anxious and weepy again going to work. Luckily I was so busy at work it stopped my mind dwelling on things too much. Then I went to see my dad and my older sister was there. We actually had a bit of a laugh! The day improved and I feel better today.
Kate, I like your description of ‘head’ days and ‘heart’ days. It’s a really good way to look at it. So far, today is a ‘head’ day. I heard someone at work calling ‘mum’ across the office and it hit me quite hard. I totally get how that affected you. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it. I still talk to mum so I do still say ‘mum’ out loud when I’m at home. I feel she is a huge presence in my life. She always will be.
Oh Deborah, I remember registering mums death. There were about 3 new babies in to waiting room. I just remember thinking ‘what a contrast’. I felt so sad answering the registrars questions. It was just all so official. Saying mum’s date of birth seems to affect me more than saying her death date for some reason. I just think of her as a tiny baby with a wonderful whole life ahead of her and just feel so sad her life is over and too soon
I’ve bought my mum a gift for Mother’s Day. I’ve ordered a rose called ‘Marjorie’, mums name. It’s a bush rose with small bright pink flowers. Actually mums favourite colour. It felt good buying something for her. It will have pride of place in the garden. It will bloom each year reminding me mum is always with me.
I went for a swim this morning, about to take my dog a walk/push and then I will do some sewing. I’m pushing myself forward today whilst I have the emotional strength. My younger sister is taking dad to the gym later, so I’m feeling really glad about that. Have as good a day as you can. Thinking of you and our wonderful mums. Lots of love Hxxx
Hi Helen and Kate,
Had a wobbly night last night when I felt in a horrible mood. Not weepy just angry that mum had gone and what was I going to do with my life without her. I knew that she would stay with me if she could have and I was just so angry with myself that I had to sit back and couldn’t save her. Woke up this morning after a restless night feeling so sad and crying thinking about what happened.
Last night I managed to sort another black bag of mums lovely clothes and everything fitted me . She always bought her clothes in M and S so she had lovely things. I am even wearing one of her jumpers today and can feel her presence. Wow this is all so difficult.
Also put my new curtains up last night in the bedroom and todays job is to iron all the bedding and put on . I also have another bag of clothes to sort but not sure if I am strong enough today to do more.
Tomorrow or Friday I have a difficult day as I am going to put flowers on my mothers family grave. Her mum died on childbirth so she was brought up by her grandparents so all three are in the family grave at Llanstephan a small village near the town where my mum lived. Every special occasion mum and I would put flowers there eg Xmas , Easter, Anniversaries etc. The last year or so she has stayed in the car partly due to her mobility but also it used to upset me knowing one day she would be gone and that I would be taking flowers there for her. This year I will still go there with flowers as I promised her years ago I would always look after the graves. There are actually 5 different graves there of family members . I don’t know how I will get through it but am determined to carry on doing it for her.
Luckily I have stayed away from shops so haven’t seen any Mothers Day cards or adverts etc. Haven’t watched the channels on TV with adverts so so far so good.
I still talk to mum also. As soon as I walk into her house I shout Hi it’s only me.
I love the idea of the rose Helen. I am going to try to take a cutting from my mums rose tree sometime soon. If I could grow one it would be fantastic . Will have to google how to do it in case there is a special way.
Thinking of you both
Deborah x
Hi Deborah, I’ve also got angry. So angry to the point where I’ve shouted out loud at mum, ‘why did she leave me, why didn’t she fight more?’ Poor mum was too late for any treatment but it comes out like that when I’m angry. It’s irrational but normal I guess.
It must be hard visiting all those graves of your relatives that have gone before you. I’ve become a bit fixated on my own mortality since losing mum so visiting graves would be so hard. It’s a good thing to do and you are doing it for your mum. Hope it goes okay
It’s good that you are managing to do more and get out. I know it’s still nothing like normal life but it’s something at least. I’m not sure what I’m doing on Sunday. Might just go for a walk. I’m avoiding church as it will be all about Mother’s Day etc. I might see if dad wants to come over later for Sunday dinner and to do a jigsaw. I never did jigsaws before but it’s a good way to channel the mind. I also took up knitting when mum was ill as it was so difficult to cope with. I’m halfway through a dolls cardigan. I’m very slow! Blimey, jigsaws and knitting!? I’m so Rock n Roll
Life does feel different now. Part of the grief I think is for the person I was before. So many different layers to it. It’s finding a new way but I was happy with my life before. It’s been forced on. We didn’t ask for a new life but we have to adjust. It’s huge isn’t it?
Hope we have a good day and sending you my love Hxxx
Helen51, I don’t pretend to be an expert on bereavement but I would guess the grieving process goes through a number of stages before things get better. Time is a greater healer, they say, and I think this is probably true although one can never completely get over the loss of a loved one. People are I think quite resilient because they have to be to survive.
Hi Helen,
In a way I am glad you feel angry like I do because I thought I was going mad especially yesterday. I have felt like shouting "Mum why have you done this to me? Why couldn’t you fight it more? Why didn’t you ask me more questions ? and so on. The list goes on and on . I am so angry with people moving on. Even my son who has been super caring towards me hasn’t cried since he has been home since last Mon and just says Nan wouldn’t want us to be like this and that she would be cross with us for crying etc. A close friend of mine has only texted me 3 times since last Jan . My sister who lives in London says she just want to block everything out and my brother who lives in Portsmouth has been fine but happened to say to me its the circle of life. I could honestly scream right now.
I am the executor of the estate and will do everything right but it is so emotional dealing with it all. Probate, sorting mums lovely house, her clothes and furniture etc. I even feel angry with myself for even talking like this !!!
Mothers Day and my birthday is not helping either as I am so miserable.My family want to treat me to go out. Are they mad ?
Going tomorrow to sort the graves as too wet today. I will get soaked. I remember doing them once in this weather and i slipped and was covered in mud. Mum was so shocked when i reached her house but she couldn’t stop laughing when she saw me covered with mud. I even changed in her shed before going into her house. I will wear wellies tom juts in case !!!
Wil send you a photo via pm of my new bedding. Just finished ironing it .
Have a good day if you can
Deborah x
I feel the same. Is my birthday tomorrow and I just can’t face it. I woke up today thinking nearly 51 years age my lovely mum was soon to become a mother for the first time tomorrow . It set me off. I cried in the bath last night and when I went downstairs and my husband saw my eyes he asked me “ oh no, what is wrong - has something happened?”. Umm yes, you could say that… I think people want you to move on and this culture of immediacy is really riling me at the moment. I just can’t celebrate tomorrow and people think I’m odd. Well, let them think that! I know I’m still grieving - has only been 10 weeks. I’m back in full swing at work and is very distracting ( I’m a social worker) but when I stop sorting other people’s problems/ issues I’m back staring my own in the face. I hope you are finding some happiness Deborah in the day to day jobs you are doing for your Mum. Of course our Mums wouldn’t want us to be unhappy but that doesn’t help reduce our grief. I adored Mum, she was the best and always will be. Never to be forgotten- but we must heal in our own time and not align ourselves to what society thinks is appropriate., jules x
Hi Julest,
Totally agree with everything you have said.
What a sh… birthday we shall both have this year.
I know people are probably thinking I should move on and stop crying even when they say it’s ok. However it is easier said than done. My husband has a totally different relationship with his 91 yr old mother and was actually closer to my mum which is a hard thing for me to write but it is true. I know when she passes it will not be anything for him like it is right now for me. I have tended to want to be alone with my thoughts and have adopted a can’t be bothered attitude to everything at the moment.
Some days i don’t even get dressed. My mum would not want me to be like this I know but it’s the state of play at the moment.
Everything seems so trivial. Things on the TV, people going about their lives, conversations etc Everything is pointless without my mum.
What date did your mum pass? My mum passed on Dec 30th bless her.
Where do you live. I live in Haverfordwest in West Wales
Deborah x
Hi Helen and Deborah
Have had a few very busy days. Yesterday working, an English lesson, helping Alex with his homework trying to get insurance sorted for mum’s house. Last night I was so exhausted.
Deborah, am glad you are able to sort your mum’s clothes and find comfort by wearing them. I still have to get round to that. You seem to be keeping busy. It does help, but every now and again it crashes in on me.
Helen, I’m glad you are feeling a bit better and pushing yourself forward. Your pics on fb of your dog push/ walk were so cute…bless.
I love the idea of the rose for your mum.
I’ve decided to get mum’s Mother’s day cards out (from myself and Alex who always gave her a card) from last year when she was here with us and put them next to her photo/ashes with some flowers and light a candle.
We may go out as it’s Father’s Day, we’ll see. I definitely want to avoid social media.
Remember that you are both approximately 3 months behind me on this journey. You are both doing very well I think. We mustn’t pressure ourselves regarding our grief, there are no time lines. Society tends to forget quickly and move on. It’s different for those who are grieving. We are suffering multiple losses apart from the loss of our loved ones. The loss of our life as it was.
After 5 months it still doesn’t seem real at times.
I get angry with myself and still replay those last days. Why didn’t I realise the end was near? Why wasn’t I closer to mum emotionally/spiritually? Maybe she was scared or felt the end was near… why didn’t I treasure every day she was here with me… it just goes on.
I tend to get so tired too by mid afternoon. I forced myself to go for a walk in the park after work as it was a beautiful day. Blossom everywhere, birds singing and the sun shining. I was talking to mum walking along (hope nobody saw me lol) and telling her how sad I feel that she’s not here this Spring, which was her favourite season and her birth season.
It’s tough but we have to keep plodding on.
Thinking of you both.
Lots of love. Kxxx
Mum passed the 27th December. I live in Romsey, Hampshire. One day it will all become easier Deborah or so they say. I get up every morning, put my make up on, and get on with the day. I’m functioning but I feel hollow and not really present. For my clients I’m all back at work doing what I do. X
Hi Kate,
It’s strange because when I wore mums jumper yesterday I felt her arms around me and it felt so cosy. I have now completed the 3 large bin bags of clothes so will bring more things back tom as I have sorted room for them here. Some days I can’t bear to even see them so when i feel stronger that is when i tackle them and just keep going. Bit like a race really as once I stop I give up.
Goodness knows where I will put all the household things. Do you have your mums house to sort? I try to imagine mum saying get rid of this or that and don’t bother keeping that as it’s junk .But the reality is it is very hard to do.
I think we are all looking forward to getting next weekend out of the way.
I love the idea of the rose also. Think I shall look into that when i go to a garden centre next. My mum had 2 beautiful roses in her garden A yellow rose tree and a small rose which was bright pink. When I sell the house they are coming with me .
Have you got a lot to sort out when you come over in June ? Did Saga manage to sort things for you. Also the water rates do not have to be paid for 6mths and even longer if the house is up for sale and furniture removed.
Thinking of you
Deborahx
Aww Julest,
My mum passed Dec 30th . We didn’t celebrate Xmas at all. My sister lives in Hampshire In a place called Bushey Heath. Not sure how far that is from you.
The lovely thing about being retired is I don’t have to get up early and no make up if I don’t want to which is lovely. Same I am just functioning and just about getting through each day pottering about doing nothing much. The weather here has been awful also so I have only left the house once since the funeral on Feb 6th. It’s fine because I feel safe in my own house and don’t really want to go out. It is so strange how life changes. Years ago I used to get up at 6am leave by 7.30am and be in school by 8am then stay on doing work until at least 6.30pm every night and get home about 7pm Life was very hectic. Then when i retired I was always with mum who lived 30 miles away so i visited her many times every week and stayed with her and we went everywhere and did everything possible together . Then I had cancer and after an 8 hr operation was bedbound for months and had to learn basic skills like walking all over again. During this time my mum was diagnosed with cancer also and underwent a huge operation at 85 yrs to have half her lung removed so it was a very difficult time for us both but we had each other and helped each other to recover. We were even more determined to live life to the full so over the past 4yrs we did even more together and had great fun along the way. I had the best companion in the world and how I miss her now.
The angry stage has set in for me at the moment but I also realise how lucky I was to have her sharing so many adventures with me. Now it’s the total opposite with me trying to find ways to fill my day !!! Don’t get me wrong I don’t want a job. i worked full time for 35 years so that’s enough. Will probably find a craft or something to do so I can go to craft fayres.
What work do you do?
Deborah x
