Hi Girls,
Kate my mum watched the Queens funeral also and the day the Queen dies we were on holiday together at North Wales. Mum was glued to the TV and didn’t want to even go out for a meal. Her neighbour had died a few days before and she and the neighbour had moved into their houses the same day 55yrs ago. He would have been 90 this year also and they always spoke to each other when my mum passed his garden. The night we were watching the coverage about the Queen’s death and my mum actually said Mike has died the same year as the Queen which is lovely for him because he was a real gent. Little did I know in that hotel room as were watching the TV mum would be gone also in a few weeks as it was the beginning of sept
Julest its the worst feeling ever seeing someone you love being ill. I willed my mum on so much and begged her not to give up and I know in my heart she tried her utmost to stay with me . My mum was a fighter and she would never have given up. Look after and support your dad the best you can and support him as you are doing. He knows you are doing everything you can for him.
Helen how are you? Same as you I missed my mum so much whilst watching it. She would have been sitting watching it over and over and she loved Prince George so much.
Leila how are you getting on with your case? I requested the medical records about my mum since being admitted to hosp and leaving and they arrived a few days ago. I cannot download them as they are too big for my computer Do you have any ideas on how I can view them as they are on a disc. In fact does anyone know how I can view them ?
Thinking of you all
Deborah x
Hi girls, I’m okay but can feel a low is on its way. I’ve got used to signs. I feel okay for a few days then the low starts to seep in. I am noticing the lows are generally shorter although the one I had the other week lasted the full week. I think it’s still very up and down but the general trend seems to be it getting easier albeit VERY slightly. If my mind starts thinking about the future without mum I have to change my thoughts. I can’t even cope with the very thought of that. Since going to church I’ve had a very strong feeling that I’ll see mum again. My mindset is that she’s just gone ahead of me. I think I’ve mentioned this before but it’s a massive comfort. Maybe a coping mechanism but it helps.
Oh Jules, how awful is it seeing our dads in despair? It adds a whole new layer to the grief. I really hope your dad can get stronger physically and emotionally. I long for my old dad back. The one who laughs and jokes, is chatty and engaging. He’s like an empty shell now. A blank expression on his face. One word answers when you ask questions. It’s breaking my heart. Then I get frustrated with him, although he wouldn’t know that as I internalise it, but it’s so depressing for me. I know that’s really selfish but I’m using all my emotional energy to keep upbeat and seeing dad just drags my mood down again. It’s taking its toll. I’m spending a lot of my spare time with dad as I’m so worried about him. I’ve never seen my dad depressed before. I just have to be patient and understanding. He’s just lost his life partner, the love of his life.
I’m keeping myself busy. Hope you girls are all coping and finding ways to channel the grief. Lots of love to you all Hxxx
1 Like
HI Helen,
I go to church also and I know what you mean. My faith means a lot to me and has helped me. I always visit a church whenever I am on holiday and light a candle and pray. There is something so beautiful about just silently sitting and reflecting about whatever you want to. I love gazing at the stained glass windows also. Mum had a great faith and when she was growing up was embedded in the church having to go twice every Sunday and was involved with church activities like the drama group, bell ringing and fundraising. She told me the church was the hub of the village in those days and in the village where mum was brought up the church really is in the centre of the village. It is called Llanstephan if you get a chance to google it.
Like you I go through being up and then down. I am on an up at the moment but the minute I even think of the tiniest thing mum said to me at the end I am in floods of tears. Like you i also try to put a coping mechanism in place and instantly switch my mind or get up and do something.Not that I don’t want to think of her but I know I have to learn to cope somehow.
I have booked a van for the end of May to empty mums attic so that is going to be an emotional time as goodness knows what is up there after 55yrs living in the house. I was planning on removing most of the furniture also but I don’t think I will be able to cope. I will just do the attic , remove all her pots from the garden so they can be here with me and empty her garden shed. There is so much to do that it is overwhelming me.
I am having new bedroom furniture delivered next week so I can have rearrange here and make room for the rest of mums clothes that fit me. I am trying to take things from her house when it is quiet as her neighbours come out to chat and see what I am taking and when they comment it really upsets me. So far it has been ok as I stock the car at night. It is silly really but I hate the thought of people nosing at mums things because she was so private.
I know how hard it must be with your dad. There is nothing more you can do except spend time with him and do what you can when you are with him. Would taking him away somewhere for a few days help? I know when I went away last weekend even though I din’t want to go it really helped me forget if that is the right word. Just forget for a few hours the awful sadness i was always feeling. But then I felt guilty for feeling like that. Can’t win !!!
That’s all we can keep telling ourselves is that we are doing the very best we can
Big hugs
Deborah x
Hi Deborah/girls You’ve been so busy sorting all your mums stuff out. I’m sure you’ll come across some deep hidden memories in the attic. Take your tissues up there with you! 
Nice that you are decorating. It’s like you are beginning some aspects of your life anew.
I lost my faith about 10 years ago. I’ve been going since 2 weeks after mum died. I guess I’m searching for answers and meaning. Some people I used to know there still go and it’s nice to chat. They’ve lost their mums too. I preferred life when I had a faith so hoping the embers will reignite. I really do believe I’ll see mum again. There has to be more to it than this. I’m so glad church has been giving you comfort Deborah. We need all the help we can get right now.
I’ve been much more upbeat since seeing dad earlier. He seems so much brighter today and it’s really lifted my mood. He’s agreed to a pub lunch on Sunday for his birthday. We’ll keep it low key but I’m so happy he’s agreed. He was more cheerful and chatty today.
Hope everyone else is okay. Lots of love to you all. Hxxx
Hi everyone
Sorry for the delay in replying Deborah, I have been a bit overwhelmed. In terms of viewing issues, you should just be able to click on the files and view without downloading by clicking “open with” and choosing something like Chrome. Do download and save to your computer, perhaps try connecting an external hard drive, as you might not have enough memory left on your computer. I hope this helps and you are able to access the records.
For me, I have worked as hard as I can on it and now the solicitor is getting some more experts to assess and write up reports. I was so traumatised, my poor husband had to be on baby watch as I just had to sleep all day to recover. My GP also suggested I might need to see a psychiatrist for medication and evaluation becaise I am sad that my mum won’t be able to meet her granddaughter! I think it is outrageous. I am having a perfectly normal reaction to my mum’s passing, the strain of a legal case and the sadness of my sweet little girl not being able to know her grandma and vice versa. Medication won’t help any of that. My little girl is perfectly well taken care of and wants for nothing. We went to baby sensory class today and she loved it. I really resent these doctors trying to force medication on people who don’t need it and not helping the people who really do need attention. He seemed to be implying that I would need medication to ensure I was looking after my daughter properly.
Anyway, I hope you are all coping.
Much love
Leila
1 Like
Hi Leila,
I agree about the medication It seems to be doctors way of dealing with everything.
I will try the file again tomorrow. Think it said i couldn’t open it but may be wrong.
Will write again tom
Big hugs
Deborah x
Hiya Helen,
Great news about Sunday. It’s something anyway to get him out of the house.
It makes you feel better also when you see him a bit brighter.
Yes totally agree about taking any help. I am just surviving and getting through each day.
Thinking of you x
Deborah x
1 Like
Hi Ladies
How are you all doing?
Lelia hope you are coping ok. The legal case must be hard work from an emotional point of view. It’s amazing how our society has to have answers and quick fixes for everything including grief. Antidepressants aren’t the answer to a natural healing process, a response to great loss which has no time line as we all know. Thinking of you.
Here it’s Mother’s Day. I always celebrated the Uk one with mum. It’s not as commercialised as in Uk, but even so plenty of reminders. I feel a bit flat generally of late, Mum’s always on my mind. The weather is rainy and grey apparently for at least another week too which is strange for May. It doesn’t help my mood.
I’ve decided that I won’t attempt coming over to the Uk in June which would only be for a week then back for 2 weeks in August. I think it’s best to come over for 3 weeks in late July taking 2 weeks of my leave then. We’ll have to work like crazy at Mum’s but at least I’ll have more time that way.
We are hoping to take a weeks holiday in early July too. It won’t be easy but it has to be done.
I feel a bit better knowing that I won’t have to rush things in June. Hopefully we can organise a day to finally all meet in August…
Good news about your dad Helen, it must be so hard for your dads, Jules too, having lost their life partners and trying to find the strength to go on. I know mum always told me I was her reason to go on when she lost both dad and her mum within 3 weeks of each other, but only now can I really understand the enormity of her grief. I wish I could hug her and tell her how much I admire her for her unbelievable stoicism.
Hope you all have a peaceful day and a very happy birthday to your dad Helen.
Love to you all.
K xxxx
1 Like
Hi girls, Thankyou Kate. It was a nice afternoon meal. Dad messaged me early on to say he wasn’t up to going to church as he was too emotional. I wasn’t sure he’d be up to the meal but he really wanted to go so we did. He enjoyed it and was telling us funny stories that had us in stitches. A bit of our old dad was there this afternoon. Mums absence was a huge hole but we had a good time. We went back to dads for a brew etc and watched him open his presents. All in all, a good day. Hope you’ve had a good Mother’s Day Kate. I don’t think anything makes us feel worse, as our mum’s absence is there constantly anyway. It’s just hard all the time but we keep pushing through. Trying to find a little joy in each day.
We went for a bike ride yesterday. The weather has been glorious here. Sorry to rub it in Kate 
the change in weather really does lift the spirits so hoping you get the sunshine soon.
Leila, I agree with Kate, this is a natural grieving process that we need to go through. It’s terrible but we are supposed to feel terrible. We’ve just suffered a life changing loss. Mum! Antidepressants will just be a sticking plaster. I’m a great believer in letting the grief flow. Awful as it is, it will be better in the long run. So sorry you have all this legal stuff to go through but I think later on you can be confident knowing you fought for your mum to find answers.
Deborah, I hope you are okay. I know you were going to your mums. Hope you got what you needed sorted. Hope you got to church and found comfort. I’ve started going since I lost mum and hadn’t been for about 10 years. They don’t play any old hymns anymore which I love. Not sure about some of the new songs 
Jules, hope you’re well and your dad is okay.
Thinking about you all and sending my love. It will be lovely to meet up when you’re over Kate. Bye for now girls Hxxx
2 Likes
Hi everyone
Thank you for checking how things are going and your advice on medication. I will have another break as I wait for the next expert report, so that gives me time to recover. I absolutely don’t think I need to see a psychiatrist or take medication. I have suffered a great loss and it is going to take more time to even try to come to terms with it and that is understandable and normal. I was just so offended by the GP’s suggestion. You are all an inspiration to me. You seem to strong. I pray you will all find peace and comfort xx
3 Likes
Hello Leila,
Yes indeed. I think many GPs just want to stick a plaster over our grief. Unfortunately will only mask the symptoms for some of us. Don’t get me wrong I am not judging anybody who feels that medication is a positive way forward for them. For some, meds may be a huge support and absolutely necessary. I think what we are both saying here is that choosing not to medicate/ take anti depressants, does not mean we are not dealing with things or neglecting ourselves or our children/ families. This is one of the most difficult losses we will ever have to bear. Of course we are grieving and maybe not as we were. You sound really brave advocating and seeking justice for your Mum. She would be proud of you. I lost Mum in December and think of her daily. People have stopped asking me ( outside of this forum) how I am now and assume my smile and working as a social worker must mean I’m back to normal. Somebody did tell me the other day they were glad I had got over it. I didn’t even bother to correct them. I will never be over losing Mum. Im trying to live my life without her and it’s really hard some days - but she isn’t coming back to me in this life. I will see her in the next chapter….
2 Likes
Hi Girls,
Sorry I haven’t been on here much. I have sank again I am afraid. Into a terrible place. I went to my mums house to do more sorting etc and it was very different this time. I got more emotional than ever and that was 2 days ago and I have been non stop crying ever since. Her house was just so lovely and it was just missing her. I closed my eyes and thought this can’t be happening This must be a dream She must be upstairs and i shouted but nothing. I went upstairs and threw open her bedroom door but her bedroom was just the same so clean and tidy and everything in it’s place. I felt cross and angry that she didn’t fight it more and stay with me. I am riddled with guilt for phoning the ambulance and allowing them to take her into hospital. I should have kept her home and tried to get her better. I should have waited one more day to see how she was in the morning. This is all my fault this has happened. I just can’t stop crying.
I couldn’t stay at my mums house more than 10 minutes. i just can’t believe it. I used to spend days and days there but I couldn’t wait to get out. I grabbed a few of her clothes and my husband bagged a few things up and we came home. I have never felt like this and not cried so much other than when mum actually passed. I actually think I am going mad because I can’t even speak without breaking down.
I woke this morning and thought I have to try to get through the day so decided to do some washing . As I was on the way to the line with my basket of washing I passed my car and remembered how my lovely mum would try so hard to walk to our back door on my arm and try her hardest to get up the step by the back door. I suddenly realised I would never help her again. It was just a tiny thought but I sobbed and sobbed. We always went to buy bedding plants and even though it was easier for me to buy them for her I always took her to the garden centre to choose her own. Walking round my garden today I realised it’s that time of year again and I just can’t face buying any this year. She loved the lilies in my garden and they are out at the moment so I feel so emotional.
I brought her clothes back and they were the ones that she wore on a daily basis so I washed them and could smell her perfume on them. It was so hard.
I am finding it so hard realising that nearly 5mths have passed since she died and life goes on . No one talks about her anymore. It’s like she never existed. It is like she has been erased from everyone’s memory.
I get asked when am I selling the house and so and so is looking for furniture etc. I feel like screaming at them.
I still have mums ashes I just can’t put them in the ground. Am I being normal because I don’t think I am thinking straight because she would want me to. I honestly feel I am going insane because I am talking to her photo, kissing the box with her ashes and walking around my garden looking for feathers daily. People who visit here think I should see a doctor but I want to try to get through this without talking to doctors.
I honestly feel I am back in square one again.
Apologies for feeling like this girls.
Deborah x
3 Likes
Good morning Deborah,
I am getting ready for work but saw your post. Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. Is all normal. When I get more time later I will give your post the credit and time it deserves. I saw a GP yesterday evening ( planned appointment). He was really helpful. No judgement and I felt he really understood. When my consultation ended he opened up and told me had lost his Mother 10 years ago. I could tell he was speaking from experience as his advice sounded heartfelt… I will be on here later today. I’m also feeling extremely upset again so I really do empathise Every part of me wanted to pull the duvet over my head and stay there this morning. I didn’t. X
1 Like
Oh Deborah, I really feel for you. Firstly, you are definitely not going mad! Maybe there has been a shift in your grief process and it has finally hit you that your mum has gone! Maybe now you will begin the process of accepting what has happened., however long that takes and if we ever can fully accept it? Your mind is going over and over things. From an outside perspective it is clear you did the right thing taking your mum to hospital. Your mum would have been in agony if you hadn’t taken her. It’s easy for me to say though. Your mind is still trying to process what happened and you are searching for any other alternative other than the painful reality that your mum has passed. It’s almost like a self protection as it is just too excruciating to accept and your mind tries to avoid the pain and make sense of what happened. It’s still a massive shock. You are questioning everything and coming up with alternative scenarios. Your mum was extremely sick love and no amount of care etc would have changed that. I’m having to try and accept this also. Im a nurse and didn’t even realise my mum was already being ravaged by lung cancer, even a few weeks before she died. Sometimes I think if we’d have realised sooner she could have had treatment. She was fit and healthy so would have tolerated chemotherapy/surgery. Then I have to accept the cancer was found too late. Nothing anyone could do and mum died. That’s just what happened. Terrible, heartbreaking, life changing as it is, that’s what happened.
I really feel this pain with you Deborah. We are all going through this process and at different speeds, in different ways. You are going through normal emotions. It is still very early grief. Sometimes I think I’m doing great then crash again. I think ‘and here it comes again!’ And just let it out.
Sending you all my love Hxx
1 Like
Hi Jules, I agree about the medication. I think really well planned, thought meds can be helpful in some cases. I’m a bit cautious when grief is seen as ‘depression’ and treated as such. We all know grief makes you utterly depressed but it is a human emotion that needs to be allowed to take its course. I think if people are struggling to sleep etc and having a knock on effect on diet, daily activities etc then maybe it can be helpful. GP’s can be so variable. Some doctors are brilliant and refer to correct services such as counselling. We have a wonderful facility near where I live called ‘Beechwood Cancer Support’. It’s amazing! I’ve not used it myself but it’s been good to know it’s there. It’s not just for cancer patients/families but offers support to anyone going through death, bereavement. They offer all sorts of support groups, one-2-one, therapies, relaxation etc. There must be these places all over. Deborah, Leila? Do you have anything like this in your local area? Don’t be put off if they have ‘cancer’ in the title as they will offer support whatever your loved one died of.
Thinking of you all my dear friends. Lots of love Hxxx
2 Likes
Hi Ladies,
Oh Deborah so sorry to read you are having another low period.
We are all in the same boat amid this awful tsunami of grief. I agree with the girls about medication. Sometimes it can be useful, I myself had to take some many years ago when mum had a cancer diagnosis and I just went to pieces. I needed to be strong for her and they helped wonderfully for a short while when I was in a very dark place.
With grief it’s different, because it’s a process we have to work through at our own pace. There’s no magic pill or plaster that will make it any easier. Having said that, maybe a chat to your GP could be worthwhile. He/she may be able to suggest counselling which I feel can be very helpful. I had some for a few months at the start of this journey and it did help. In my case it was due to the flashback problem of mum’s passing and the EMDR therapy helped with that. With or without counselling it’s still a process we have to work through at our own pace as we all know.
I still go over and over things in my head. Why wasn’t I more understanding and gentler with mum? How could I not have realised she was so ill? Even little things as you say are a sad reminder. I too often think about things she said or little actions which choke me up still.
As someone said here on this forum: we are not clairvoyants, just fragile human beings and of course we would all have acted differently had we known that death was around the corner. But we didn’t know, we just did our best with what we knew at the time. None of us could have miraculously saved our mums. I too still think I should have insisted on taking her to hospital… but then realistically I think would they have been able to save her even in hospital when her heart was so very weak? Probably not. At least she died in her own home with us, which is what she would have wanted and your dear mum too.
Try to think logically, as difficult as it is. Thinking of you and sending healing hugs.
Ladies, we are in a dire situation here. My region here in Northern Italy has had constant rain and flooding and the schools are closed. It’s raining constantly every day and more is forecast every day for the next week… I’ve never seen anything like this in 27 years of living here!! Thousands have been evacuated from their homes due to many rivers breaking their banks. People and young children are being airlifted to safety. Alex should have been going on a much anticipated 2 day trip to Rome with his school today and it’s been cancelled. Poor kids, their first trip since before Covid.
This extreme climate change scenario is so worrying; first drought, now floods on top of pandemic and war… it feels like the end of the world! 
Thinking of you all.
Much love K xxxx
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar situation. I lived with my Mom and our cats and, at the very beginning of the first lockdown I found her dead in her bedroom. My heart was truly broken.
Lockdown was hard and I don’t feel like I was able to grieve properly as it felt so surreal. I had some good friends, and a couple of family members who were supportive, but very much like yourself, I felt I was burdening them with my issues and now, three years later, I still feel the same. Worse maybe. I’m too self-conscious to burden friends and family still as I feel they must think I should have ‘got over it’ by now.
1 Like
Hi Kate, please excuse my jokey comment about the weather. I had no idea it was so bad where you are. I rarely watch the news. Poor Alex and his mates missing out on their trip. Hope you are okay where you are and wishing for the rain to stop ASAP for you. Lots of love Hxxx
1 Like
