Dealing with the sudden loss of my Mum

Hi Lancer, So sorry for your loss and in such a devastating, shocking way! It’s only 4 months for me but I expect to still feel the pain 3 years down the line. It’s such a personal journey, I don’t get why people have some kind of timeline? We are all going to do this journey ourselves. Also, some days are going to be better/worse than others. It doesn’t matter what other people think. If the pain is still raw after 3 years then so be it. I know I will never ‘get over’ losing mum but hoping to live with the pain in time. Lots of love to you Hxxx

Hi Lancer,
I feel for you … my experience was exactly the same as yours. It’s brutal isn’t it? I can only imagine how difficult it was to go through early grief… a very lonely and traumatic time during the lockdown… which in itself was an isolating and difficult experiece.
Seven months in I too know that we have to carry our grief and not “get over” it as society seems to dictate.
Hope you find comfort here, know that you aren’t alone.
Kate xx

Hi Girls,
I am sorry I haven’t posted for a few days. I sank to a terrible low place. Felt dreadful and couldn’t pull myself out of it. Nothing I tried helped so I just slept and kept to myself. It was far worse this time. I kept having flashbacks of all sorts of things and the crying just wouldn’t stop.
Will post again tom I just wanted you all to know I am okish
Deborah x

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Hi Deborah,

I am glad to hear from you . I’ve also been at a bit of a low this week so I can totally relate. Work has kept me busy though but I’m still getting caught off guard by the slightest thing. It’s early days for us all.

Take care, Jules x

Hi ladies, sorry you are in a dip Jules and Deborah. Onwards and upwards, as they say. Hope fully the clouds will lift a bit for you soon and you will be feeling a bit brighter soon.
I’ve been much better actually so have been making the most of it. I bought the FA cup tickets on Wednesday and of course they are in mums name. I spent the rest of the day very weepy and stayed in feeling thoroughly miserable. I picked up towards weekend and have actually managed to get some snippets of joy.
I went out for a first proper night out last night after losing mum but didn’t stay too long. I spent the whole time talking to one ex work colleague talking about my mum and her dad who died a year ago. We basically shared our experiences of death and grief whilst others were dancing and partying. I was always up for a good boogie but absolutely no way. I can’t ever imagine dancing again! I can’t say I had a great time but feel it’s another step forward towards ‘normality’ I’m glad I went.
I’ve another full on day today so I find keeping busy really helps. Enjoy what you can from the day. Thinking of you all. Lots of love Hxxx

Hi Girls,
I feel a bit better today. Tried to keep busy and actually went out for a spin in the car to a local beach. It was such a sunny day here.
It was good to get out but I felt so sad and probably looked miserable. It’s just not the same anymore is it? I felt guilty i was watching the waves and soaking in the sunshine when mum wasn’t here and would never see these things again.
I kept remembering where we used to walk and sit having picnics or where I would park the car so she would have a good view of the beach. It was even strange not parking in a disabled parking space as mum had a disability parking badge. It was strange having to pay for parking as where we live the first hour is free at many places with a badge. These are all new things now for me to overcome.
I have booked a van for next weekend to clear mums attic ,shed and garden. It’s a start anyway. Got the van for a few days so I can take things to the tip, charity shop and back home here. Goodness knows how I will get through it but am determined to do it. Then the next big thing will be to clear her furniture etc. Then put the house up for sale . Just can’t believe I am saying all this.
Helen you did so well to go out for the night. Well done ! You will dance again lovely It will just take a bit more time.
Jules I am so glad you have your work to help keep you busy. It is a distraction at least just for a while. I am going to throw myself into raising money for the project set up in mums name and with the donations instead of flowers. The fund has been called Mair’s Fund so I really want to keep it going . My friend has suggested her and I doing a car boot sale to raise a little money so sometime in June I will do one with her as she loved my mum and wants to help me. I think she is desperate to get me out of the house also bless her.
Kate you have summed it up brilliantly. We are indeed fragile human beings. That’s exactly how I feel. Seconds away all the time from breaking down, fighting back tears when speaking to anyone and changing my mind a thousand times in any decision I make daily.
Also can’t believe the flooding you have over there. What is it like now? Are you and your family ok ?
Leila how are you ? I have to phone for a password to open the file properly and so will phone tom for that. Didn’t read it properly. Once i get it I will ask someone I know who understand computers better than me to pop round and help me as I am sure the file said it was too big for my computer.
Hope your little girl is ok
Love to all and will check on you all tom
Deborah x

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Hi Ladies
How are you all? I’m not too bad… ups and downs as we all seem to be going through. Some days I’m logical and positive, other days weepy and hard on myself and keep going over things. It’s not helpful to worsen my suffering so I try to divert my thinking.
I find keeping busy is the best way forward for me and I’m actually happy to work each day.
Today I popped to the hairdressers where I used to take mum for her blow dry. The young chap asked after mum. We went quite a lot together and it was painful telling him she was gone. :cry: This is the first time I’ve had to do this. I also used to park in the disabled spot near the shop. Again how painful not being able to park there any more. The little things are so difficult aren’t they?
Deborah I wanted to say that a lot of charities will pick up things you want to donate. Sue Ryder definitely do. My aunt called our local branch and they said just to let them know when it’s needed and they will collect the things (including some furniture I believe). Thought you might find this info helpful. My aunt has already started organising lists and phone numbers for my mammoth clear out in the summer. She’s been an absolute star.

We are Ok but many people have lost everything and it really puts things into perspective. Houses, farms, animals, cars, businesses… the clean up operation will take weeks if not months. There is mud everywhere in those areas affected by the floods and landslides on higher ground. :frowning_face:
Helen, glad you are getting out and trying to get back to some normality. The FA cup final will be fantastic. You know how jealous Alex is :laughing:.
Jules, hope the recent wave has subsided for you. We have to try and make the most of the moments between the waves I guess and hope they will be further apart with time.
Leila, hope you and your little one are fine.
I found this photo and the sculpture entitled “grief” really sums up how we all feel.
Love to you all.
K Xxxx

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Also this poem sums it up too…:heart:

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Hi everyone,
Kate the photo and poem are spot on. Really says it all.
I find real comfort in poems.
I am picking the van up tom and starting to bring things back here.
Thanks for the Sue Ryder charity. I will donate to them as Sue Ryder brought us all together and it’s the only charity that I feel has ever helped me.
Hope everyone else is doing ok
Deborah x

This is so true but it still hurts as much as ever.


Hi girls, Thankyou for the lovely poems. They speak to us beautifully. Deborah, well done getting so organised with your mums house. It will be lovely to raise some money for the charity in your mums name. Mair is a beautiful name. You are doing great. Keep going. So sorry you’ve taken a dip. I’m still doing okay but I have had a weep most days. I had a student nurse with and she cheerfully asked if I’d had a nice weekend (this was on Monday) she knows about mum and I said how busy I’d been. I said I need to keep busy or I cry for my mum. It just really choked me up and I had to pull myself together. She was very sweet with me.
I’ve been on a bike ride today into the Peak District. It was so beautiful, the sun was out, the new lush green leaves are so bright and all the baby geese and ducks. As I was cycling along I realised that even though I did get some joy from it all, it is a tainted joy. It’s not the same joy I would have felt this time last year. Grief is so tough. It’s like a constant weight on your shoulders. It’s like there, ready to drag you back down when you are picking yourself up. It’s a constant fight.
Hope you are okay Kate and people are starting to clean up after the horrendous floods and get their lives back to some normality. I’ll get some pictures for Alex at Wembley.
Hope everyone else is bearing up. Keep smiling and pushing forward at whatever pace is right for us. Lots of love to you all. Hxxx

Hi Ladies,
How are you all?
Helen you are right, grief taints everything.
Even enjoyable moments are tinged with sadness. I feel the same way about keeping busy. It’s like if I stop too long to think I just keep going over and over the same things in my mind and want to cry for mum.
Alex had a match earlier and scored 2 goals. He gave a kiss to the sky to dedicate them to mum. That always gets me going… :pleading_face: I’ve been feeling a bit more positive now the weather has changed. The clean up is a mammoth task here and the people affected are so stoic and brave in the face of such hardship :heart:. Ursula von der Leyen was visiting the region today as a sign of support.
Hope your clearing out is going well Deborah. You are very brave doing it all alone too… I can imagine how hard it is and I’m already trying to prepare myself psychologically for it.
Hope you are managing ok. Give yourself all the time you need.
Well just a short message to check in and say I’m thinking of you all.
Stay strong girls, our mums are proud of us all.:heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:
Lots of love K xxxx


Hi girls, just thought I’d check in to see how you are. Kate, it always amazes me how stoic people are in the face of such awful things. It’s admirable how people crack on and get clearing up, trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. I remember flooding here in the Lake District and how people just got on with it after losing everything. It’s the best time of year as things will dry out quicker.
Deborah, I hope you are getting on well with the clearing. It must be such a difficult process. Every box and drawer you open must be full of memories and hidden treasures. How do you decide what to keep and what to get rid of. :woman_shrugging:t3: I’ve seen some old scrap envelopes at dads, which should be thrown but they have little scribbled notes in mums handwriting so become more than just old envelopes. So hard. Pembrokeshire must look stunning in this weather, especially along the coastline. Hope you are getting outside.
How is everyone in terms of their grief? I’ve been a lot better recently but if I stop I feel it coming in. I’m conscious of not suppressing it as that’s not healthy but I feel much more in control. Well, most of the time anyway. Tom is working away this week down south so I’m aware the evenings might be tricky. I’ll probably do some sewing or watch some crap on TV like ‘married at first sight’ :woozy_face::joy: Keeping busy is key for me. Tom left early this morning so I’m about to go on a bike ride, then food shopping, housework and finishing some little dresses I’m making for my granddaughters :dress: :dress::dress: I might do some batch cooking later if I get chance. What are you up to today? Is it bank holiday in Italy too Kate? Anyway, I hope you are doing okay and managing to find some joy. Lots of love to you and our precious mums. Bye for now Hxxx

Hi Ladies,
Hope you all enjoyed your bank holiday. We have one on Friday as 2nd June is the anniversary of the republic here.
Helen, I’m so glad you are in a bit of a better place now grief wise. I would say I am too. I still miss mum constantly and when I’m alone,like today whilst working from home I keep thinking of when it was the 2 of us together and our daily routines, talk to mum and have a little cry. Mum bought Alex a build a bear a few years back and recorded a beautiful message for him in it. It’s not working now and I need to get it working again… it needs to be taken apart. They don’t have the bear hospitals here so I will bring it back to Uk. I hug that bear :bear: (James) who is always sat on the sofa in mum’s place. If we go away we always take James with us.:heart:

For me keeping busy is so important. As you say Helen, not to suppress my grief, but for me to not dwell too much on the negative. Helen, it sounds as if you have had a busy day off today. Hope the weather is good there too.
I think the only way to really honour mum is to let her live on… her memory: talking about her, remembering things we did, smiling about the happy times (and not dwelling on the very end). My phone keeps reminding me of random memories which is sad and comforting at the same time.
I think if we honour our dear mums and keep them part of our day to day lives they are always present in our hearts and minds. That love will never die. I think mum would definitely want me to do as I’m trying to do… she wouldn’t want me to give up and be sad forever. The warmer weather is also helping me to try and stay positive.
It’s not plain sailing, but we will get stronger as time goes on girls.
Lots of love to you all.
K xxxx


Hi girls
I am so sorry I haven’t posted for a few days. I am really struggling. I didn’t get much done last weekend bec it was to emotional and I just couldn’t face taking things from mum’s house.It didn’t feel right.They were her lifelong possessions
I just couldn’t do much.I don’t know how I am going to move forward with everything. I feel so down.
I am in bed writing this as have sank backwards into a kind of depression. am not going to post more bec I am sure it must make you depressed reading my posts.
So sorry
Deborah x

Hi Ladies,

Deborah: First and foremost, please don’t worry about that. You have a right to your feelings and to express them in any way you see fit! The grief you are fe

Thanks Jules
I have a lot going on at the moment with my own health so everything is getting to me and I miss my mum so much.It hurts so much that I can’t tell her things I actually feel like a little girl lost without her.
I am waiting for health results for myself so I am going to put mum’s house on hold for a few weeks as I am not strong enough to cope with it.
I am worrying about lots of things at the moment so everything seems worse.
I find trying to live a different kind of life without mum is exhausting.
On the plus side though my son had a wonderful sign a few days ago.It was his birthday on the 26th and my mum adored my son.Anyway he was abroad in Italy working and when he got to the hotel and found his actual room there was a white feather on the floor in front of his door in the corridor.What were the chances of that ? In a different country in a hotel inside a building and on his birthday.I know it was mum coming through to him on his birthday. I really believe she is with us and can see us.
Hope you are doing okish
Thank you for reaching out to me
Deborah x

Morning Deborah,

I think only half my message reached you looking back at it now ! Not sure what happened… Anyway, what I was saying is that living without our Mum’s is bloody tough. I’m positive in time we will adjust better but for now it’s ok to still be very sad. My sister is really struggling now where I seem to be adjusting better. She took only a handful of days off at the time. I took a month and a half. I know everybody is different but I think it is now really hitting her. One of her closest friends has pulled back because “ she is too miserable to be around”. Her husband is unsupportive and his mantra is “ you should be over it by now”. Mine is more supportive ( he survived Grenfell injuries and the fatal fire here in Hampshire a decade ago where he lost two friends / colleagues to the fire). His own Dad died when he was only 14 years old so he knows grief and what it can do. I think people mean well but until you lose a loved one we really have no clue how it feels. I saw somebody in Waitrose yesterday who asked me how Mum is doing? I didn’t cry or sob and Iwas able to tell her. That’s progress for me as before I just couldn’t tell people without sobbing. Be kind to yourself Deborah and know we are all in this together and unfortunately we are all sad right now. The sign from your Mum to your son is a real comfort . I’m sure it was her telling him she loves him. X

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Thank you Jules.
I know what you mean. I never fully understood what if would be like living without her in my life and the huge void it has left.
My son is coming home tonight so I am going to try to sort myself out before he does.
I have met a few people like you who have asked me how is my mum and I am getting better in responding too.
It’s only been 5 mths so it’s still early days and I sometimes forget that.
I think it’s going to be highs and lows for a long time for us all.
Big hugs

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Aww Deborah, I’m so sad for you right now. You have so much on. It’s the right decision to hold fire with the house. You need to focus on your health love. Your mental well-being is low so you must prioritise your physical health. I too feel like a little girl lost. I have to keep busy or my mind goes in grief overdrive, I start thinking and then I cry for my mum, just like a small child would. We’ve been with our mums since before we were born. They have been our world for so long, it’s a massive adjustment.
I do feel like I’ve moved forward in the journey. Mum is constantly in my thoughts but I no longer cry everyday, although the tears are never far away. Actually today was the first time in a while that I’ve had a proper full on cry where the tears are running down my neck and off my chin. I’ve been modifying a t-shirt to wear at Wembley on Saturday. I’ve sewn ‘MUM’ on the back with a number’1’ like the back of a football shirt. I just lost it for about half an hour. I started pacing around the house aimlessly just crying and calling for mum.
It’s 5 months for me on 15th June. 5 months without mum?! Can’t believe it. I still cannot believe she’s actually gone sometimes. It’s hard to take in. We are still in the early stages of grief. It’s okay to feel terrible. Just go with the feeling and let it out.
I think your health issues and not having your mum for support has probably heightened her absence even more. You are feeling the void worse than ever. It’s just so painful isn’t it love? I don’t think about the future as cannot cope with it without mum. We just have to deal with what we can at the time.
How lovely for your son. That was 100% your mum. When you least expect it, that’s how you know. Remember when I had one inside the changing room at the swimming baths? Inside the building and in that cubicle I picked out of about 30, there it was. Just as we were having to make decisions about our poor dog. Then when I lifted my dog up a white feather underneath her that I hadn’t seen when I put her down. I know it was mum telling me it was okay, she was waiting for my dog and would look after her. Oh I hope your son got much comfort from that and you.
Do what you need to do love to get through. I hope everything goes well health wise. Thinking of you. Lots of love Hxxx