Hi Jules, interesting how you and your sister are grieving. I too allowed myself time right at the beginning to be almost a full time griever. I just let it out for weeks initially. I took about 6 weeks off and just spent that time allowing myself to be thoroughly miserable and heartbroken and just cried constantly. I looked like the painting ‘the scream’ it was terrible and so painful but, like you, I feel it meant I got through that stage quicker. I believe it has to come out sooner or later so sooner is better. Sounds like you sister suppressed that and it’s now coming out. Just fighting it all the time is just prolonging it.
Having a supportive husband/partner/friend is also a huge help. When the person who should be your support is saying things like ‘ you should be getting over it by now’ is not helpful and I’m sure must make it worse. It just puts added pressure on you at a time when you just don’t need it. We will never ‘get over it’ Our lives are changed forever and we have to navigate and learn a whole new way of living. Like your husband, mine too has had tragedy so is very understanding and supportive, even when I’ve taken my anger out on him.
Your sister has you and I pray she finds some peace soon. Lots of love to you and your family. Hxxx
Hi Ladies,
Deborah, you are going through a mammoth task having to clear your mum’s house alone. Every drawer,cupboard, room and corner of the house is full of memories of a life that was ours just a few months ago. It’s a huge emotional task and it’s normal that you don’t want to part with mum’s things. Give yourself space and time, especially as you are going through your own health issues at the moment. Be patient with yourself lovely. 5 months is nothing in grief terms. We are all here to help each other on this journey, so don’t worry if you are feeling down and want to post…it’s cathartic to vent your feelings.
Although I’m feeling much stronger now, like Helen I have my moments and the sadness is always there.
A whole new layer of grief will be exposed when I go back to mum’s house. I know this and I just hope I will be strong enough to manage.
I dreamt of mum these past 2 nights. I remember mum was looking through photos of past happy moments spent all together. I like to think of it as a sign that she is telling me to focus on the happy times we’ve had in her life.
Jules, sorry your sister is grieving harder now. It’s true that it will come out sooner or later. I wasn’t able to take much time off from work and had to go back a week later which is so soon. However it helped me to focus on something else but as soon as I got home I was a mess.
Helen what a lovely idea for the match. Your mum will be with you 100%. We’ll be watching and Alex’s coach, the City fan, is coming to watch it too so there will be fireworks no doubt…
.Send me pics/ video to make them jealous!!
Well it’s bank holiday here and the sun is shining so I’ll sign off for now.
Lots of hugs to you all and remember that we are all in this together and we are always here for each other.
Much love.
Kxxxx
Thank you Kate.
Bear with me girls I feel too down to even write.
Deborah x
Hi Helen
What lovely kind words.Thank you.I have sank to an all time low and I think it’s best to just rest and let it pass bec I know it will.
It was sorting the house that triggered it and you are right it’s only been 5mths Well 5mths last May 30th so I was just a little in front of you.
I will drag myself out of this.I am such a sensitive soul that’s the problem and when things get to me they really do.
Once I get a few results about my health I will hopefully feel better.Ibrealise now that looking after mum helped distract me from my own health results and now the waiting seems endless.
Thank you girls for being there for me with all your kind words and for keeping me going I don’t know where I would be without you all
Deborah x
Hi girls
Just wanted to post to let you know I feel better.I had a really bad chest infection and I think it brought everything flooding to the surface again. I have just rested and had ME time to think and reflect on everything.I can’t believe what I have been through and looking back it all seems unreal.Have I really had a funeral for my mum? It doesn’t seem that it has happened to but I know it has.I feel sometimes I am having an out of body experience because surely this all couldn’t have happened.
Is it normal to feel like this?
I got so low I didn’t want to do anything and sorting mum’s house has been so so painful.I have kept putting things off and it all got on top of me.
I have made a plan now to bring all mum’s clothes back here and everything in draws and cupboards so I can sort here at my house because it’s emotionally too much at mum’s house .It will be a lot of work but I wil do it gradually.Then I shall get an estate agent to value the house and take photos but wait until probably Oct before putting it on the market.It will give me time to remove the furniture then.
Love to you all
Deborah x
Hi Deborah, I just came on here to see how you are. I’m so glad you’re feeling better. I think when we are physically ill/tired/run down does make the grief worse. It must be so hard going through all your mums things. I honestly can’t imagine. All that life and all those memories packaged up in boxes. I really feel for you and Kate having this tortuous task.
I’ve actually taken a bit of a dip since Saturday. I went to Wembley and I did enjoy it, the atmosphere was amazing, but I also felt very sad that my poor mum isn’t here to enjoy it. It was her passion in life. I got a bit weepy at times but quickly changed my thoughts to just try and be in the moment. I’ve been fighting it since then. I even had to fight off tears in the car this morning on my way to work. When my work mates were asking me about the match, my voice was shaking I couldn’t talk about it. Then today my sister messaged me to say she is missing mum so much and just longs to hear her voice. Well, that set me off completely 
I can’t remember what it was like just a few months ago to be carefree and happy. I miss ME!!
Kate I hope you’re okay and Alex got off to his trip okay. I bet the house is quiet without him. I remember when mine went for sleepovers etc. it was great for a night or two but then I’d really start to miss them. I’m assuming he’s staying over?
Anyway, got the lining of a little dress to sew before bed so I will crack on with it. Chin up girls, we are making progress even when we have our dips. Lots of love to you Hxxx
Hi Helen
I think we will all continue having these dips and like you I would love to have my old self back again I will never be the same again.Ots learning to be a different person in a very different world now.I am struggling to grasp the realisation of it.
Every part of me wishes I could bring my mum back and every day I put a mask on just to get through each day. I know how you feel when you talk about things because I am exactly the same.People don’t know what to say when I have the tears so avoid any talking which is not what I want at all.
I still feel angry when I see other people going about their lives and I get especially cross whenever I hear anyone moan or be negative. My mum would love to be here so I feel how dare they moan about stupid things.Makes me so cross.
I have a 92 yr old mother in law who moans all day long and is forever calling anyone and everyone.Nothing my husband does for her is good enough even though she is housebound and has carers calling twice every day. it upsets me so much bec my mum was just so lovely.She had a wonderful zest for life was ultra modern and fun to be around.She was always so grateful for the little things anyone did for her and in return she was loved by everyone for her gentleness and kindness.
I can’t face going to see my mother in law anymore because it upsets me so much listening to her.
Helen you are doing so well going to work.its easy for me being retired.I honestly couldn’t work after all this so be proud of yourself bec you are really doing so well.
Isn’t it wonderful that we all have each other. Knowing that you check up on me lifts my spirits so much.Knowing people care is so important and we have all shown so much love and care to one another.We have actually got through the past few months by helping each other.Talking about our feelings our lives and family our worries and plans has kept us all going and I shall be forever thankful for you all.I honestly don’t know where I personally would be without you girls. When I am alone with my thoughts and don’t want to break down in front of my family or even talk to them as I am sure they must be fed up of me I know I can always and I do turn to you all for support. Thank you for putting up with my posts especially when I am feeling do down.
Kate how did Alex’s trip go. I used to be a nervous wreck when my son Glyn went on school residential even though I used to take my own school children on them. I am sure he had a wonderful time.
I am going through a good phase at the moment so have thrown myself into gardening. Lots of work to do so will be busy for a while. Tom I am back at mum’s house and am determined to do more sorting. Am trying to carry on with it whilst I feel okish. I am aiming to bring all her clothes back here tom night and empty all the draws in two bedrooms so wish me luck
Deborah x
Hi Ladies
Glad to see you are feeling stronger now Deborah. Feeling ill or worrying about something makes the grief worse, I agree.
Helen, I can only imagine the emotion at Wembley, but I think it’s lovely the way you are carrying on your mum’s passion (and learnjng about football lol) and she would be so happy with that for sure.
It gives you something and somewhere to go to feel very close to your lovely mum.
Alex is having a lovely time in Rome and is back late tonight. We took him last year for the first time, but I’m sure with his class mates it’s even better. It’s quiet without him in the house. Tomorrow is his last day at primary school and they have a little graduation ceremony…so more tears for me no doubt. Then the long 13 weeks off for the summer holidays.
On Friday he leaves for the last tournament of the season at the nearby seaside (the badly flooded area) and us parents are going too for the weekend. We did the same last year when mum was here, we just went for the one night as we didn’t want to leave her too long alone.
Last year it was so different. I keep going back in time with my thoughts. Sunday was 8 months without mum. It seems impossible and like you both, on the outside I may seem stronger, but on the inside I’m just feeling so sad. Like you Deborah I don’t say much, people don’t really ask (apart from you girls)and even at home I dont speak too much about my grief. as the tears upset them. I often talk sbout mum to Alex though… it seems natural to do so.
People think that talking about our loved ones will make us sad but it’s the opposite for me. I guess you both feel the same?
Well I’m working from home today so there will be a few tears for me I’m sure.
Take care girls and sending love to you all.
K xxxx
Hello K, D and H!
Sorry I haven’t been on here much but I do read your messages and often read them before the day starts! Well Deborah you will identify with my day. We have Ofsted in at the moment and as you know, causes all sorts of stresses! Anyway, I was selected ( groan) to showcase my work. I was alone in a large room with 2 inspectors trying to demonstrate my good social work practice. How the mind works under pressure - finding things is so much harder with eyes on you. I think I did ok. They said I was very passionate about the children I worked with and this came across to them. I felt myself well up as kept thinking about Mum. I hope nobody saw but, tbh, they seemed a bit more human than my last grilling he he.
I’m still having good and bad days and have accepted this will be the case for a long long time. I kept thinking the last time I sat before an inspector, my Mum was here; and now she’s gone. Work is helping me though. A massive distraction.
Anyway, bye for now all x
Hi girls, Kate, I remember when they left primary school. I was quite emotional, especially when Harriet left as she was my baby. Then they seem so little again in their high school uniform. Soak it all up now. It seems like a couple of years ago mine were at this stage and now they are nearly 32 and 29!! How?!! 
Deborah, it’s really good to hear you are feeling brighter and making the most of it. I hope amongst the tears of sorting your darling mums things, there are some smiles too. God knows we all need some smiles right now!
Jules, well done on your Ofsted appraisal. You’ve done so well. You should be very proud of yourself. You are making your mum proud. We are who we are because of our mums. In that sense, they live on through us.
I’m still feeling very low. I’ve been having dark thoughts again about life and death, what’s the point of it all?? Etc. I don’t know if I mentioned but when mum was dying, my big fear was her gasping for breath as it was lung cancer. I worked as a district nurse for 10 years so ‘end of life’ was a large part of that role. I knew mum needed different meds to prevent the gasping but they hadn’t been prescribed. I had to make a few calls to the GP to get those meds in place and also had to be insistent when mum needed the syringe driver as they were dithering about setting it up!! Mum had a very peaceful death and did not have any major gasping episodes. Without my nursing knowledge and my insistence on things, mum would have had an unpleasant death, to put it mildly! Anyway, I’ve been going over it a lot and it’s giving me an irrational fear of when I die. Who will fight my corner? Will my family just think that’s normal? I don’t want to go on about it as it’s not healthy but I can’t get these thoughts out of my mind. Also, I’m getting a bit resentful that my kids both live abroad. I’ve never felt like this before. We’ve all rallied round my dad and he could even move in with us if he wants. Who will be there for me? These are the thoughts I’m fighting at the moment I’m just venting my feelings on here as don’t like to go on too much to Tom. He’s been such a rock but I know he finds it really depressing when I go on like this, although he’d never tell me. I’m sure it will pass once my mood lifts.
Kate you’ve mentioned that thoughts go over and over in your mind about the events surrounding your mum’s death. It’s like a form of torture isn’t it? You want the thoughts to stop but they are so hard to control. You are fighting against it to just have some peace in your head but It’s there, just waiting to creep back in.
Sorry, this has been quite a dark post. I’m sure I will feel better soon as I have learnt it comes in waves.
For those of you feeling brighter, enjoy it as best you can. We have to make the most of the brighter days when we have them. Thankyou, you are all a godsend to me. I know I would not have dealt with this as well as I have, without you. Lots of love to you all. Hxxx
Hi Jules, Helen and Kate,
Helen I was like you and have only now crawled out of it. The depth of sadness was awful and unbearable. I thought I would never get myself out of it.
Like you I was worried about whet the end would look like for my mum as the hospital family liaison woman had spoken to me about the end and sounds etc . I hadn’t wanted to know to be honest when she tried explaining so dismissed it all. In the end my mum went so peacefully and quietly and was nothing like what was explained to ME . I know no one knows and everyone is different and I am thankful mum didnt suffer.
Yes I went through a spell of worrying about what will happen when I die but mum always used to say life was for living and don’t worry about things that haven’t happened yet. Whenever thoughts like that cropped up in my head I would think of mums words.
I know it’s hard when you don’t see your children especially when they live abroad. I don’t honestly know how I would cope so can’t offer and advise. I hardly see my son because he works away a lot and when he is home he is off out with his friends or visits his girlfriend 75 miles away. It’s tough being a mum because I would so like to turn back time and have him small again and be the one making all the decisions for him. I keep telling myself we must have done a good job because they can well and truly fly now.
This is all the feelings coming out Helen because you are feeling so low. Keep going lovely All this will pass.
I am so glad we seem to go through the bad times at different times so we can be there for each other when one of us falls. The power of our friendship is wonderful and we know that we are each there for each other.
Jules -oh the memories of my Estyn Days . You brought a lot back when I read your post. The inspectors would have seen your passion and I hope that somewhere in their report you will recognise the part you played. It’s so tough going through it though. I even found it tough being an Inspector!!!
Kate - did i read that right! 13 weeks school holidays ! That is such a long time.
Like you I keep thinking back to last year when mum and i went on holiday together and were even planning another trip this year. Some of the places we visited show up in adverts on social media and TV and it hits me like a ton of bricks. The hotel where we stayed sent me an email offering a discount for this year and i was so upset. Its the little things that seem to be the worse.
Prepare yourself for when you come over to sort your mums house. It was by far worse than I could ever have imagined.
Yesterday I went to mums house and brought another car full of things back to sort. I brought all her lovely green pots back and bought some pretty flowers to go in them . I managed to do one today and its in the garden to remind me of mum as she always wanted flowers in them every year. I didnt have room in the car for any more plants so will do the others soon.
I must admit to crying a lot yesterday when i went into mums house She always kept the back door open in the summer so that was a shock to see it closed even though of course I knew it would be . Then on entering the house everything was immaculate and it was if she was upstairs as she so often was when i arrived. I sat in her chair and sobbed. I closed my eyes and thought maybe when i open them this will all be a dream.
Anyway I went upstairs and again it was all neat and tidy . I asked mum to give me the strength just to sort a few things. I brought back more of her clothes whilst my husband put the pots into the car and emptied all the food in the cupboards that were in tins etc.
Then a nosy neighbour appeared at the door asking all sorts of questions which I wasn’t prepared for. Asking whats the plan for the house, had probate come through, were my brothers and sister coming down to sort the house with me etc. Then wait for it he said their TV had broken and the dish washer so I took it he was hoping I would say you can have mums. Well I didn’t and to my surprise I said I was moving back to the house which I am not but that shut him up. My husband just looked at me daft lol. It was funny in a way. I am glad I did so now stops people thinking they can claim whatever they want from me.
I feel I am doing well in sorting things. Completely done one bedroom that is the wardrobes and draws. Furniture is all left though. The 2nd bedroom is almost done and the third one is almost done. We have done the attic and the porch room. Mums lounge had a welsh dresser which I haven’t touched yet and a sideboard full of things so that’s next. Her dining room also has a small dresser with lots of china in so that’s going to be hard in sorting.
Her kitchen is fitted so all her cupboards are full with baking and cooking equipment and cutlery so goodness knows how much I will keep. Will try to keep as much as I can though as she had lovely things.
Her next door neighbours are wonderful and keep an eye on the house and cut the grass in her garden which was so kind of them. They loved my mum so much and miss her terribly.
Keep going girls. Helen I am especially thinking of you . You will get through this ok I know you will.
Love always girls
Deborah x
Hi Ladies
Well it’s been an emotional day today. The kids got back last night and really enjoyed Rome. Today was the primary school farewell with a balloon release, fireworks and graduation. I kept it together but then one of the mums sent us a video collage of all the best moments of these 5 years and it was so emotional.
He’s grown so much and his last year has been tough with mum dying at the start of the school year. The parents of one of his disabled classmates who tragically died last June were there too. So sad. 
Aww Helen, hope you are feeling a bit better. Yes I too keep going over the last period thinking I could have done/said/ been more, had I known. I feel I failed mum, not from a medical point of view because she would have wanted to go at home and I think she was in multi organ failure so I doubt she could have been saved, but emotionally I wasn’t there for her. I don’t know how many times I’ve apologised to mum for not realising she was so ill and for being there 100%.
The suddenness is still brutal. Both my parents went suddenly and its so hard to get to grips with. Yes Helen, these intrusive thoughts keep coming back every now and then, just when I think I’m getting sttonger.
Helen, mum was in your shoes as I went abroad at 22. She never truly accepted it as she was alone without dad too. However, I made her a big part of our lives, especially since Alex was born. In the end she spent her final years with us (thanks Covid for that), and it worked out that she was where we wanted her to be ultimately.
She would have preferred us to move back to the Uk, but ultimately we sorted our situation the best we could. Mum too always said “don’t worry until worry worries you” so try to think that way. It could well be that you move to be nearer Harriet and the grandchildren when you both retire or they may come back to the Uk even sooner. It must be tough not seeing your beautiful granddaughters as often as some. Mum was always envious of her sisters who had their kids and grandchildren next door or nearby, but its quality time not quantity that counts.
Try not to worry now about the future love, it’s natural after what we’ve been through, but at the end we always find a way. You and my mum too are wonderful for letting your kids fly as Deborah said. I will be the same for Alex too if he wants to live abroad one day (I may stalk him though !!)
Deborah… I can already picture myself sitting in mum’s chair bawling my eyes out. I just hope I find the strength somehow to do it all and feel close to mum there.
13 weeks off is too long, but they don’t get half terms here so it’s all in the summer. It’s hard for working parents and we have to send them to summer camp. Alex goes to the football camp and loves it, but it works out very expensive.
Well done Jules on your assessment. I’m sure your mum is so proud of you. I agree, its going to be ups and downs for a long time yet so we have to try and enjoy the up moments.
Lots of love to you all and thank goodness we have each other. I too would be lost without your advice and support.
Night night.
K xxx
Aww Kate such sound advice for Helen.
Please don’t feel you were not there emotionally for your mum because I am sure you were. Being with you was all she wanted.
I still feel guilty about phoning 999 and my mum going into hosp despite people saying I had no other choice. It will haunt me for the rest of my life. I expect we all have something to beat ourselves up about even though we did everything we could. I also wish I had spoken more to mum about her dying. Was she afraid or worried about something Did she fully understand what was wrong with her.Were there more things she wanted to say to me ? I will never know but at the time I couldn’t face talking about them and tried not to let her see me crying. Did I short change her I often wonder.
I told her hundreds of time how much I loved her, and for everything she did for me throughout my life,and for everything she did for my son but still I beat myself up thinking I should have said more but I think I said everything.
Kate we will always wonder and have what If’s.
When I went to mums house Kate I could only get through it by thinking mum is at my house and she is coming to live with us so that’s all I am doing is sorting her things for the move. I had to have a mindset like that as mad as it sounds otherwise I would never have got off her chair and done anything.
Helen - are you okish lovely ? Am thinking of you and praying it will ease a little for you tomorrow. Will check to see how you are in the morning.
Love Deborah x
Hi Girls,
How are you all doing today?
I have cried a good bit today. Been out in the sunshine and just kept thinking of mum.
Just random thoughts but she seemed to be everywhere I went in the garden. I watered one of the pots of flowers that I made up yesterday and of course because I brought it back from her house my head was full of memories. Then she loved my lupins and this year they have grown so tall. I thought I wish mum was here to see how tall they are. Then it was my hanging baskets. She always had me making hanging baskets for her so it was difficult.
I had bought her a slightly higher garden chair as she struggled to get up and I sat in it and the memories came flooding back.
Today I put on one of her sarongs to sunbathe in and thought she had such lovely things to wear. I know she would be so pleased I am wearing them but they bring back so many memories about shopping for clothes to take on holiday etc. All good though don’t get me wrong but very difficult to go through as you all know.
Mum loved peonies so I am going to look for some to plant. She said her garden when she was little always had peonies. I actually cant remember actually seeing any in the garden centres I have been to but I am on a mission now.
Mum also has 2 rose bushes in her garden so I am going to google how to take cuttings and plant in my garden. She always used to do that when someone in her family died She would take a plant from their garden and plant and call it her memory garden area. So I will do the same for her.
I have had good news about my scan girls. All ok. But I have got myself so down with the waiting and everything else that I am suffering with cold sores on my bottom lip. I also had a cyst removed from my gum last week so feel run down . But the scan results have lifted my spirits I just wish my mum was here to tell her . I did talk to her photo though this morning and I am sure or hope she can hear me .
I found this today and thought I would share with you but it’s very powerful and emotional to read.
Love
Deborah x
I think the words sum up such a lot about how we all feel.
Big hugs to you all x
Oh girls, Thankyou so much for your messages. I’ve been reading them and wanted to reply but when I tried my mind just wandered back into its misery. I’m still feeling low, but I’m being rational about it. I know it will pass so am hopeful that next week will be brighter. I’ve managed to function and go to work, but just been very weepy and the tears are very close to the surface and have come out a few times every day. I was disappointed as I’d been doing so well and going days without tears. I know that’s to be expected as grief isn’t linear but just when you feel better, wham! You get pulled down again.
Thankyou for your sounds advice and guidance both of you. You are so right. I know the future will take care of itself but it’s almost out of my control at the moment. ‘Don’t worry worry, until worry worries you’ I like that. Our mums guide us don’t they? Even now they aren’t physically with us. I think ‘what would mum do/say?’ She was so wise. I use mum as my example a lot. I think about how she carried on when her parents died. I wasn’t there for her as I was a teenager then so was too busy out partying with friends. I spoke to mum about it as an adult and said I felt bad for not being there. She hadn’t even thought about it. She never had a bad thought about anyone. She was an absolute sweetheart. She was very pragmatic and sensible too. Extremely bright. She passed her 11+ with top marks and could have gone to grammar school and university but she grew up in the 1950’s working class Manchester so the expectations were lower for academic achievement. Her school books are still in dads loft. Her brain was so sharp even at the end. She will guide me for the rest of my life.
If it’s any consolation, in those final conversations, my mum said she wasn’t frightened and she really wasn’t. She was so calm and accepting. Even when we were in tears during those conversations mum wasn’t crying (and mum could get very emotional) She seemed so ‘at peace’. Honestly, when the time comes it’s like we go into a different mindset. It was us who couldn’t accept it. Mum seemed okay with it! She definitely got ripped off as never got to be an ‘old lady’ so that’s something I’m trying to deal with as don’t want to get bitter about it.
Yes, it’s hard not seeing your kids. I am normally okay with it although would love them to have stayed close by. It’s my current mood making everything seem worse and over analysing things. You know when you wake up at 2am with something on your mind? It seems so much worse at that time than in the day. It’s like my mind is set in 2am overanalysing mode. I’ll shake it off soon.
Kate, have a great weekend. It will be lovely at the seaside with the kids and their parents. In beautiful Italy too. 
Deborah, my sister-in-law took a rose from their dads garden after he passed and it blooms beautifully every year. I think she dug up the whole thing in all its soil. It worked anyway. Maybe take a few cuttings so there’s a better chance. The poem did make me cry but in a lovely way.
Thankyou again for your words of wisdom. Bless you girls for being in my life. Keep smiling! Lots of love Hxxx
Oh Deborah I am so pleased to hear your scan is clear but what a worry for you. I will read your post in full soon. Started to read but burst into tears. I’m feeling very emotional today…
Hiya girls,
Am just checking in on you all.
Helen I totally understand what you are dealing with . I was the same a week or two ago and thought stupidly it would pass in a few days. How wrong was I ? Just keep telling yourself how well you are doing going to work helping so many people. And if you cry that’s ok . You are dealing with health matters on a daily basis so it’s at the forefront. I often think how strong you are to do the job you do and am so proud of you.
I have had a strange sort of day with tears again. My son and his girlfriend look like they may be ending everything and I found him talking to my mums photo in our lounge. He said he always told his nan everything and now she isn’t here. It really took me aback and I didn’t really know how to deal with it so I just left him alone sitting on the floor holding her photo whilst crying.
It hit home to me that we are not just dealing with our own grief but trying also to be strong for family members. It’s hell of a tough one.
Anyway we had a BBQ in the garden this afternoon and we talked about my mum constantly and it was something the three of us hadn’t done together for weeks. We laughed about some of the antics we got up on holidays and my son who shared a room with her when he was little remembered having midnight feasts after I had checked to see he was sleeping. Mum would say pretend you are sleeping and once I had gone she would lock the door and he would jump out of bed and together they would have fun playing games and snacking.
We remembered so many stories and it was the first time we laughed and laughed together. We agreed we never realised she was an old lady because she was so much fun and always had a zest for life. If she was asked to go somewhere or do something she would jump at the chance. I must say it was lovely speaking about her all afternoon with us all having different stories about her.
I am certainly going to transplant some cuttings from her garden. Also the pot of flowers I planted a few days ago have come on well and every time I look at the pot I see mum fussing over her plants. She used to hate having weeds in her pots and would check every day so I must make sure her pots are all weed free.
Kate - Did you enjoy the beach trip? Bet the children loved it. I used to take the children once a month to the beach as an after school activity. The parents loved it as it was free childcare. I used to allow them to bring buckets and spades etc into school on the day and we would make picnics for every child. Sometimes we would have 100 plus children. It was hard work but I loved it. Children never get bored of the beach and during the 2 hrs we were there they had sandcastle competitions, shell hunts, pool dipping and seashore Quizes. It doesn’t take too much stretch of the imagination to say by the time they reached school which was half an hour away they were sleeping in their bus seats. Lovely memories. Enjoy your trips with the children.
Jules - thanks so much. Yes I was chuffed to bits but the worry beforehand was terrible. I have another scan in Sept so I will have a few weeks non worry then start worrying all over again for it. They can tell a lot from a blood test also so my next one is in Aug just before the scan. I never take anything for granted anymore as mums passing has taught me life can change in a second. But for now I am ok x
Keep going girls. It’s hard I know but we have to carry on somehow even when we really dread each day.
I have decided to set myself weekly targets ( I know ! It’s the teacher genes in me lol )
So here goes. By next Friday I hope to have bought and planted another 3 of mums pots, done 2 hanging baskets and hung them up, weeded a fairly big area of the garden, visited mum’s house to continue with my sorting of the 2nd bedroom, transplanted the roses in mums garden, visited a friend who lives 50 miles away and if possible read one book ( as I have stopped reading books for some reason) It’s not much of a list in the big picture of everything but I need to have some sort of plan in place otherwise I just sit and mope. Hope you understand.
Anyway am here for you all ok. Love to you all
Deborah x
Hi girls, Deborah, you sound much more upbeat and it’s so good to hear. I’m so happy the scan results were all good. What a relief for you and your family. It’s sad that your son’s relationship isn’t going too well. How moving that he sat with his nannies photo and cried. Poor lad. Your mum sounds like great fun. Love the midnight feasts. Sounds like they were partners in crime!
That’s amazing that you took all those children to the beach. They are probably telling their own kids about the lovely headteacher who used to do that. They will all remember you I’m sure.
Jules, I’m sorry to hear you are in a bad spell right now. Me too love 
crap isn’t it? I’ve been low for a good week now. Well I suppose I’m always low nowadays but more so than usual. Let’s hope our moods lift a bit soon. It’s just unbelievable isn’t it that our mums have died. Seems surreal even writing this!
Must get some sleep now so will say night-night and God bless. Lots of love Hxxx
Hi Helen and girls,
Helen - agree am more upbeat the past few days and now I am feeling guilty for it. Isn’t all this so sad ?
Had better news tonight My son and his girlfriend are ok I think. She has a tough job and works in the Crown Prosecution service with the police. She has to take statements from prisoners etc. She witnessed a suicide a few days ago and is completely traumatised and on sick leave. Bless her she is only 24yrs old. She is coming to stay with us next weekend so I will try to help her.
Just keep telling yourself Helen that this phase will ease soon. I am sure I will dip soon again and I will need all the support again from you girls.
Jules keep going also. Rest and relax over the weekend if you can
Kate are you ok love ?
Big hugs girls
Deborah x
Hi Deborah, I also have those feelings of guilt and then cry for feeling like that. My Mum, as I’m sure all our Mums were/ are by the sounds of things, was selfless, kind, a fantastic teacher and loved my many. What she did for me and my sister while growing up I can never repay. She always had time for us - despite being overwhelmed with life and work. I just miss her so much some days it hurts. Gosh your son’s gf’s job sounds full on. How awful. I have seen some things in my 51 yrs through work etc but that sounds really traumatic. I thought I was grown up at 24 yrs. Looking back, I was so young ( looking back at old pictures confirms that one!). Good she is taking time to process her trauma and I hope she is being supported. X