Hi @Nat6,
So sorry for your loss. Sudden death is always traumatic so I’m not surprised you feel anxious, that’s totally normal. It will subside gradually. You are still in shock. I hope this forum gives you the possibility to work through your feelings and grief. I feel it’s helping me.
Sending love and strength.xx
Oh I can imagine how difficult to even thinking of going in the room must be. Definitely seeing the little things just get you. I was looking for something at mums house and came across her makeup bag. I opened it and saw her eyeshadows and lipstick. It’s terrible. I’ve had possibly the worst day today so far in the 2 and half weeks since mum passed. I went to the loft room to photocopy our walk for Saturday and came across the Christmas card that mum had written signed ‘all our love, mum and dad xxxx’ It just broke me as I saw mums handwriting and realised that was the last card I’ll ever have signed by mum. Then I decided to open the letter she had written a couple of years ago but for the event of her death. OMG!! I couldn’t cope with the pain. She started with ‘To my darling girl, Helen,…’ then went on to say how much fun and joy I’d brought to her life. She said she didn’t have the words to explain how much she loved me. She wrote at the end how she hopes we will meet again and she wishes me a long and happy life. I just completely lost it. I was shouting and crying. How am I going to ever be happy again without mum?! Honestly, if someone had offered to shoot me there and then I would have let them. The pain was excruciating. I’m crying now writing this but I feel more in control. It’s so hard.
It’s hard for people as they probably think they’ll upset you mentioning your mum so avoid it. I’m taking another 2 weeks off then will see how I feel. I think I might be better going back as it’s a distraction. It’s just that I’m a nurse and have to cope with people offloading their problems in my role. I just haven’t got the emotional strength to deal with that right now. I’ll assess it in a couple of weeks.
It’s good you are getting counselling. It’s so traumatic for you with that image. I’m sure in time other things will override it. You will probably never forget it but maybe associate it with the time you tried to save your mum and that you gave her the best chance. It will be more manageable in time xx
Helen, I’m feeling emotional just reading this. That was so brave of you to read the letter, but what a lovely gesture from your mum to write that. It will give you great comfort to read it in the future. It’s soul destroying when you come across their little bits n bobs isn’t it?
Unfortunately, given the suddenness, mum and I didn’t have the time to tell each other what we both felt. I’m having problems with remorse today. Why didn’t I insist she saw a dr in the days before? She was adamant she didn’t want to. Even if she went to hospital, theres no guarantee that they could have saved her as her heart was very weak. More importantly, why didn’t I treasure every day with her more? Tell her how much I loved her? Hug her? Realise that her heart was so weak? The thought that she was at the end of her life and I didn’t talk to her about her fears and reassure her? Did she realise she was dying in those last days? All these thoughts keep going round in my mind and are killing me. What I would do for just 5 minutes with her now… to tell her everything and hug her so hard. 
I know what I meant to her, I just hope she knew it too. It’s agonising.
I didn’t attempt cpr because I think she had collapsed at least 30 minutes before and I could tell she was gone. In a way I think this was a blessing because I think that would have been even more traumatic to deal with.
Take all the time off you need, your job could bring back painful memories as you work in the health field. Be kind to yourself. Rest well, you have had a very emotional day… me too with all the would’ve could’ve should’ves and hindsight thinking. Sometimes, on bad days like these, I feel I’m my own worse enemy.
Sending hugs.xx
Hi Kate, I think our thoughts can go into overdrive with the grief. It’s normal to keep going over and over ‘should have done this, should have said that…’ it’s torture to do this but because it was so sudden you didn’t get chance. None of us go through life telling each other all the time we love them, just in case they might die suddenly. This isn’t real life. We do our day-to-day living. If my husband suddenly died now my last text message would be ‘can you pick bread up?’ It’s easy to think in hindsight but this is unrealistic. Of course your mum knew you loved her. The pain you are feeling shows how much you loved her and she would have known that. Our mums can sense things so she would have known how much you loved her, for sure. I didn’t tell my mum I loved her that often. We didn’t need to. You can obsess with things I feel and are hyper sensitive to the slightest thing or wording. At the end of my letter from mum she said ‘ I hope we will meet again’ and I was screaming out to her ‘of course we WILL meet again, you said you will come and find me when it’s my turn. What do you mean ‘you hope’. We WILL meet again!!!’ It’s what is keeping me going right now. Even though I lost my faith years ago, I’m clinging to the thought that I will see her again and be with her, somehow. Our thoughts are irrational right now so please try not to torture yourself. You couldn’t have predicted the worst would happen. If I could choose how I go, it would be suddenly where I don’t know anything about it. It’s just harder for loved ones like that.
You are right Helen and when I think logically I tell myself those things. I think its my mind trying to “control” or make logic of a situation that was ultimately completely out of my or anyone’s control.
It’s strange that you talked about faith because I too have been questioning this recently. I’ve never been particularly religious, but maybe it would be of comfort to me now, even though I’m in a Catholic country and not a practicing Catholic. At times like this we have to believe that we will see our loved ones again.
Yes I really hope mum didn’t suffer and that she was called and quickly and silently departed. Even though your mum’s illness was completely unexpected, take heart too that she didn’t suffer a long drawn out end. It’s hard and grief plays tricks with our minds at times.
Hope today has been better for you than yesterday. I was working from home so I had my usual moment of bawliing my eyes out alone thinking of the times we were together when I was working. Are you feeling ok about Saturday? You may feel a little calmer once it’s over, I did. Then when we had her ashes back I just felt comforted that she was back with us. One step at a time is what we must remember. Our mums are proud of how far we’ve come I’m sure.
Hi first of all I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum recently, she was my last remaining parent as dad passed away a few years ago. I totally get that feeling of being in a room of people but breaking inside, it’s horrible.
Hi Helen51
I really feel for you reading the letter.It must have been so emotional. How brave you were.What a wonderful treasure you have though and written from the heart.Yes take as much time off as possible.Think of yourself now and put yourself first.Find out how much leave you can have and get signed off.
Deborah x
So sorry to hear your mum has passed. It’s such a huge loss isn’t it? Nothing anyone can say can make you feel better but it is comforting to know you are not alone and we are all going through the trauma of grief with you xx
Hi. I wasn’t going to read the letter for a long time but I was having the worst day and thought ‘nothing will make me feel worse than I do right now’ I felt like joining her. Anyway, I did read it. It was heartbreaking seeing her handwriting and the beautiful words of love she had written from the heart. It wasn’t a comfort though. Just another punch in the stomach to say mum isn’t here. Hope you are having better days. I have a jigsaw on the go. I never do them normally but it is something to focus my mind when the pain hits hard. Xx
Hi Kate, I think it’s a good idea to just let the tears flow and release some of the pain. It’s easier when you are alone so I think it’s good that you take the opportunity to just release some of the pain, even though it feels horrible. I’m hoping that by getting some of it out now will make my healing process better. I don’t know how this works as I haven’t ever lost anyone this close before.
I used to be a dIstrict nurse and did a lot of end of life care. Those with a strong faith were always very calm and accepting and their families were too. I don’t have that anymore but am thinking of exploring this. I remember when I did have faith you never feel alone and that is a nice way to live. Whatever that may be. You just have to do what feels right for you. I know we will see our mums again.
Today is the final goodbye for mum here on earth. She is being cremated this morning. I am getting up now and going to listen to the birds in the garden and think of mum. Then later I am off to the hills. Today is about calm thoughts and trying to find some peace from the day. Hope your day is calm for you xxx
Hi Helen thanks for your reply. Just to let you know that you are in my thoughts today. Sending hugs.Xx
Thankyou so much Kate. Xxx
Hope you managed to have a peaceful, reflective day yesterday.xxx
So sorry for your loss. I lost my mum too, last December. It was quite unexpected, especially for her. She was in hospital for two weeks, aware she was deteriorating. That in itself was heartbreaking. The feeling of helplessness. I keep getting flashbacks and extreme sadness creep s up on me from nowhere. People arekind and accommodating but Im sure that will fade with time. They will move on much faster than you or I, its not their grief. You obviously loved your mum and, as with most mums Im sure she would want you to live your life. The priest at mum’s funeral said it helps to focus on the happy times. Im trying. Hope you can too.
Hi Kate, Thankyou. Yes it was a good day. Although I was thinking of mum the whole time, for a short while the gut wrenching pain subsided. It was still there but less so. I felt as close to normal as I have for weeks. Being in the hills and away from my usual environment really helped.
I went to church this morning. It was strange as I haven’t been there for years. There was no divine moment of peace but it felt good. I think it was more the building as it was where I was christened and a place mum and dad and us kids have been periodically throughout our lives. I felt a connection with mum. Driving home was hard though. Because I’ve felt a bit better since yesterday and I knew it would come out soon. Just driving along the streets near mums house where I would see her walking by picking her paper up, walking the dog, where we would wave at each other has set me off. I cried all the way home and am still crying now. I’m home alone right now and have just been shouting at mum ‘why did you have to leave me, I just want you to come back!!’ I thought I was doing okay yesterday but wham! Here it is in all its full on misery!
How are you doing this weekend? Have you managed to do anything nice? Have you managed any moments of happiness? Xx
Sorry to hear you have also lost your precious mum. Nothing anyone says helps me. I know people mean well but all I hear is things like ‘oh, well you have all your memories, or you carry her in your heart’ I just feel like screaming, I don’t want my mum to be a memory, I don’t want her in my heart. I just want her here, sat next to me or coming on a walk. I want to hug her, have a brew with her, put the world to rights with her. Tell her I’ve got a new job! I’m not ready to accept that I won’t ever see her again in this life. I know it logically it’s true, but just can’t think like that right now.
You have to do whatever helps you and soothes your soul. I’m glad the priests words have helped you. There isn’t much soothing my soul right now. In 35 minutes it will be exactly 3 weeks ago I was sat holding my mums hand as she died. I just miss her so much. Take care and keep posting on here when you need to. It really helps me Helen xx
Hi Helen. I’m glad you had a good day yesterday and that going to church helped. I can totally understand that.
We have been in the mountains these past 3 days to visit some friends. A lot of walking outside in the fresh air and it has definitely helped. We were there over Christmas and New Year too and I can honestly say that was the first time since losing mum in October that I felt a little normal. I really think that a change of scenery helps our grieving minds, being in a place that I didn’t associate with mum.
We’d always spent our Christmases with mum in Gloucester, so we knew that this past Christmas had to be in a totally different place. It was hard but we got through it.
It’s normal though that when you return to your familiar surroundings it hits you like a ton of bricks again. I was low for a few days afterwards.
I had a strange dream a few nights ago that mum “woke up” from her sleep and just acted as if nothing had happened. Maybe it was a sign that she’s ok? It was the first time I remembered a dream. I often feel like mum is there in my dreams but I can’t remember once I’m awake.
Have you anything planned or to keep you busy in the coming week? I can’t believe how time is marching on. Sometimes the days feel endless, but the weeks pass so quickly.xxx
Hi not doing so well today.My mum’s funeral is Tom and I am dreading it.Feel sick,head is all over the place and just a crying mess.
Hi Deborah, It’s to be expected. My heart goes out to you. Today is a big milestone in all this. You will hear people say ‘be strong’ ‘your mum wouldn’t want you to be upset’ Stuff that! You let it out. You don’t have to be ‘strong’ If you feel the crying coming on just go with it. Don’t feel pressured to chat with people afterwards. I can’t even talk about trivial day-to-day stuff on any day right now, let alone such a massive occasion as my mums funeral. This is about your mum and you saying ‘goodbye for now’ No one else matters today love.
I’ll be thinking of you and your mum today. Hope it goes as good as it can. Sending you calming vibes and peace Helen xxx
Hi Kate, sounds like a wonderful place up there in the mountains in Italy. It certainly is a therapy being in a place like that.
I hope the dream brought you comfort. I find it just hurts like hell when you wake up from one of those dreams. It definitely sounds like your mum came to tell you she was okay and was adamant you would remember it. Just after my mum died we looked out of the window and the sky was dark grey and gloomy. The sun came out and a rainbow appeared. We all felt is was mum saying she was okay. I think we just have to look for the signs.
I’ve told work I’ll have another 2 weeks off and then see how I feel. I’m keen to go back to try and start getting some kind of normal routine back. I’ve decided to get my old job back and have spoken to my old boss about it. I’ve been in my current role for nearly 18 months and have just never taken to it. Before she died mum was asking me about what I’m going to do about work. I said I wasn’t sure but mums know us best. She just held my hand and said ‘Helen love, you do what makes you most happy’ So I’m taking mums advice. They are so lovely at my current job and I feel bad about it, but if losing your mum teaches you anything, it’s that you have grasp things to make you happy.
The weather looks dry this week so I’m cutting everything back in the garden to start preparing for mums ‘celebration of a wonderful life’ I think it’s going to be in the garden maybe in summer although mums birthday was September 2nd so it’s been suggested then. Dads not ready to talk about it yet so we haven’t. There’s plenty of time. That should keep me busy. I’m still forcing myself to go swimming every morning so I’m going soon.
How is your week panning out? Are you working all week? Managing to keep busy? Helen xx