Hi Helen51, I think you are right, we need a routine in our life. I also think that we need something to look forward to, and, we also need hope. (I have forgotten it the last few months and I will have to start again.) Perhaps try also something new. - I joined a little German speaking group, 4 English and two German now. Most have lived in Germany some time ago and want to brush up on their German. It is only one hour a week but it is something to look forward to, and, I feel I have a purpose now. - I think you have the right mindset and you will be just fine. - Take care, Nick
Im the same. I lost my mum 2 weeks ago today, i cant believe its been 2 weeks already 
her death was very sudden as well, she was only 63 she has COPD but you wouldnt have known, she was so well part from flare ups she had sometimes, she had given up smoking for 7 months, really wanted to see the grandchildren grow up. She got poorly over Christmas, wasnt really eating or drinking much breathing got bad so she took her rescue pack (steroids & antibiotics) they didnt help much so took her to the doctors, they said her chest was fine so didnt need anymore antibiotics just more steroids. She got to the end of them and still wasn’t great but at this point she was so tired she didn’t want to do anything at all so i got a doctor to see her at home, he said he wasnt concerned about her until he checked her sats, oxygen was low so had to take her to a+e, and through a blood test and chest xray they found pneumonia, she was getting better at hospital so they sent her home with a 5 day course of amoxicillin, which she felt where making her worse, 5 days later im calling an ambulance because she wasnt right and she died that day from respiratory failure because of the pneumonia, the antibiotics at home hadnt worked.
Im completely broken and lost without her 
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Oh I’m so sorry. This is just a place we hoped never to be in. But here we are, trying to make sense of our new reality. What an absolutely shocking experience for you.
I took my mum to A&E on Boxing Day with shortness of breath thinking she just needed a 3 day course of IV antibiotics, she was diagnosed with aggressive lung cancer and died 8 days later. No previous health issues, was so fit and healthy, living a full and active life. She didn’t even smoke! That’s just over 3 weeks ago and I too am utterly devastated and have no idea how I am supposed to live the rest of my life without her.
This forum has been a huge help to me. Knowing I am not alone makes the grief a little less isolating.
Sending you love and thoughts xxx
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@Claribelle am so sorry for yor loss. Sudden unexpected death is so difficult to deal with and your dear mum was so young. It’s a horrendous loss whatever their age. My mum died four months ago and some days are still so very hard, but it willl get a little easier. The waves will be further apart and less intense. Take care of yourself, rest and take baby steps.
I really hope this forum will give you some relief, knowing that you are not alone and connecting with others in your same situation. Post every time you need to. Sending love and strength.Kate xx
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Hi Helen, yes the weekend away was great therapy. A change of scenery helps so much. This house holds so many memories of mum and at times I get so nostalgic.
I’m keeping busy, working and trying to force myself to get a bit of exercise at the gym. I too decided to go back after over 2 years to try and take better care of myself.
I went back to work after a week, but if you have the possibility to stay off a bit longer then do that. Whatever you feel you need. I did find the routine helped as when I’m working I have something to focus on other than mum. I also teach English a bit in my spare time, again it keeps me busy. It sounds great that you have decided to change your job and you are right to go with your gut feeling and what your mum would advise you. What does the new job involve? Her birthday could also be a good possible date for your mum’s celebration of life as it’s late summer still. You have plenty of time to think about it. Me too. It will give us both. something to look forward to.
I often find myself saying what would mum do in this situation? What would her advice to me be? Mum was very stoic and strong willed and when she lost dad at 44, she always told me I was her reason for going on, I was 9 at the time. She would want me to be happy and live life to the full I know. In May of last year we went to Verona on a day trip and it was a very hot day. She stopped us in our tracks and said to me I want you to know that if anything happens to me that I love you very much and always be happy. Just out of the blue. We didn’t say that to each other often, but we knew. It was almost like a premonition, that she wouldn’t have the possibility of telling me that at the end. Oh I miss her sooo much. 
Xxx
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Im so sorry @Helen51 , i feel the same, i dont know how i will carry on without her but i have to be there for my children, age 4 and 13, so i know i have to go on but the thought of her not being there for her birthday in march and not there for Christmas hurts so much. Sendinh you love and strength 
@Kate111 Thank you. Im definitely feeling less alone being on this forum. At first i was shutting myself away but im actually finding that being out and talking about it is helping, im just dreading the funeral, its on the 23rd. I feel like it might knock me back for awhile. Sending you love and strength
That sounds a good idea Nick, trying out a new hobby or interest. Are you learning German from scratch? I remember when mum first died I saw no glimmer of light in my life … I said how can I ever feel joy again? but very slowly the spark of hope returns. We need to strive to be happy for our loved ones that’s what they would want.☆♡☆
Hi Kate, it’s funny you should say that about your mum telling you, if anything happened how much she loves you. I wonder if she’d sensed a shift in her health? In early December about 5-6 weeks before mum died, I went to their house and as usual just let myself straight in. Dad was out and I just saw mum sat on the sofa breaking her heart, in tears. I said ‘oh mum, whatever is the matter?’ She said she’d been thinking about Stephen and how terrible it was for dad to have to register his birth and death on the same day (Stephen is a baby mum had between me and my older sister who had only lived 8 hours) she’d always talked about Stephen but I’d never seen her like this before. As I was talking to her and cuddling her she just said ‘I just feel terrible. I love you so much, Helen’. I told her how much I loved her and we hugged for a while then she seemed okay. Looking back now I think she may have known something had deteriorated with her health. When they told her it was lung cancer, she was so calm considering we all thought it was a nasty chest infection/pneumonia. Looking back, I think she already knew but hadn’t said anything so it was no surprise to her when she got the diagnosis. She only lived another 8 days so must have been really advanced. I feel so sad that she carried this burden all to herself so as not to worry us. I think our mums did know something might happen. I think that incident in Verona, indicates your mum felt something was changing but didn’t know what. That was her making sure you knew she loved you and wanted you to be happy. How bloody proud are we of our fabulous, strong, selfless mums?! How amazing they were/are.
My new job is much more hands-on nursing; woundcare, catheters, flushing chemotherapy lines. Much more actual nursing than my current job. It’s more of what I prefer. It’s actually a downgrade but I don’t care about that. I’ll go to my current job but won’t tell them for a couple of weeks as feel bad after they’ve paid me all this sick pay! My new job are pretty flexible in when I can start so it’s okay to delay my starting date. You said you teach English, what does the rest of your work entail?
My son lives in Barcelona and teaches English there as his main job. My daughter lives in America so it’s a bit rubbish without them with me right now. My son came over just before mum died and my daughter is 38 weeks pregnant so was unable to travel. Luckily I have s fabulous sister who is sharing the load of sorting dads finances etc. we’ve cried a lot together.
Can I also ask, you are 4 months down the grief road. I know it’s a very personal, individual journey, but would you say you feel ‘better’ after 4 months? I’m only just over 3 weeks and the anxiety has reduced a lot but the sadness Is still overwhelming. I wish I was a lot further on as life is so very difficult right now. Helen xxx
Hi Claribelle, it’s a very scary and distressing thought that we have to live without our mums. It seems impossible right now that we will ever feel joy again. I’m grieving mum but also grieving my dad as he was before. He has a permanent strained look of anguish on his face and it’s breaking my heart. He was always so happy and telling daft jokes etc. he’s so different now. Even looking at pictures from a few weeks ago when we still had mum, he looks like a different person. He’s got a spark in his eyes and a smile on his face. I miss that. I’m also missing my old self. The carefree, content, happy person I was before. I miss sleep too!!!. Your children will make you keep pushing forward. They will stop you giving up. xxx
Hi Helen. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you and your family on hearing your mum’s diagnosis especially as she had no obvious symptoms and was fit and a non smoker. It seems very cruel, but at least she hadn’t suffered a long drawn out illness. Maybe she knew something was wrong, my mum too I think. She didn’t enlarge on her symptoms because she knew I would have taken her to a&e and from there who knows what have happened. Of course she didn’t speak the language here, but she was adamant she didn’t want to go to hospital. I said to her the night before "mum if these tummy and nausea symptoms carry on we must go to the doctors. She replied "I’ll be better tomorrow ".
I have moments when I keep replaying those last few days in my mind, but even if she did go to hospital there’s no guarantee they could have prevented the cardiac arrest. I spent the last 20 so years obsessing over her health: mum had a small stroke exactly 20 years ago and got over stage 3 bowel cancer in 2007, she always said thanks to me and my “badgering” lol.
It’s hard for us to accept that our mums probably knew that their health was deteriorating, but ultimately they had the right to make their own health decisions. You are right… how stoic, brave and selfless they were!
Your job sounds interesting and it must be good to get out in the community. Mum’s community heart nurses were fantastic, I’m full of admiration for what you nurses do, it must be so rewarding. I work for a company that manufactures professional audio equipment for the music industry. I work in the overseas customer care department so I get to use my languages. Have been there 19 years!!
Where does your daughter live in Usa? Teaching in Barcelona sounds great too! Do you visit them much? And you will be a grandma soon… how exciting! Is it your first grandchild? Something lovely to look forward to .
Does grief get easier down the line? Well the waves are further apart and less intense. You get used to her not being there, you slowly learn to laugh again, to eventually start feeling some pleasure in the little things. In October I just couldn’t imagine ever feeling joy again. I wish I’d found this forum then because I felt so incredibly lonely (still do to a certain extent). You may find that the initial support wanes off, but you are lucky that you, your dad and siblings can support each other.
I still do a lot of talking and crying to mum especially when I’m driving. Believe me, you will slowly start to feel more normal again. Our dear mums will be forever in our hearts and they want us to be happy. Xxx
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Hi Helen,
I got through the funeral but feel drained after it all.The church service was beautiful and the hymns and music exactly what she loved.The vicar read the Eulogy and thanked me after the speech for writing it so beautifully for a special person. It was such a touching moment bec I don’t think anyone has thanked me before in a public place and it took me by surprise.
The whole day went fast and I didn’t get a chance to speak to everyone. I had it filmed and just watched it. It was so lovely but so sad also.
I know feel more lost than ever.What else wil I do ? It’s frightening to think what I will do with my life especially without her
Deborah x
Hi Claribelle. I think that writing down your thoughts here helps a lot. My mum’s birthday is in March too… I’m dreading that and also Mother’s day. 
I’m sure your children will give you the strength to carry on, my ten year old certainly has. He dreamt of his granny last night saying she came down from heaven with her arms open wide so he could hug her.
Just take one day at a time and be kind to yourself.xx
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Hi Deborah, I’m so glad it went well and you got through the day okay. Sounds like it was a very beautiful tribute for your lovely mum. Even though it’s hard, there is something quite comforting about ‘collective grief’. When there are other people who knew and loved your mum, it’s not so isolating.
My mum had a direct cremation on Saturday so we couldn’t be with her. We can’t just leave it at that so later in the year, probably summer, we plan on having a ‘celebration of a wonderful life’. Probably in the garden with close family and friends to share stories, poems, music etc and then an afternoon tea. Maybe all go to the pub afterwards. Anyway, we have time to work it out but we need to do this with everyone she loved and who loved and still love, her.
I try not to think too far in the future as I get panicky thinking mum won’t be there. I am taking it day by day. It’s the only way I can cope. My phone is full of text messages and voice messages from mum but I can’t bear to see/hear them. I don’t want to delete them either.
I plan on making a ‘treasure chest’ of mums things. I came across the Christmas card written ‘all our love, mum and dad xxxx’ realised it was the last one ever and fell apart. I cried for a couple of hours just seeing that card. I will put things like that in mums treasure chest. We can’t keep everything but I will keep special things like that. They will be tucked away but there when I need to see them.
I suppose you feel lost now the funeral is done. I think you just need to go with your grief at the moment. We are supposed to feel utterly heartbroken. We just lost our mum’s. It’s the worst time we are in right now. Hopefully, in a year we can look back on this terrible time and see how far we have come. Sending you love and strength from another heartbroken daughter, Helen xxx
Hi Kate, yes ultimately our mums were their own people and had the right to make their own decisions. When they gave mum the diagnosis she was too poorly to have a biopsy. So they said they were 95% sure it was malignant. They’d had an MDT meeting with consultant respiratory and consultant radiographer and other specialists. They knew what they were talking about but that 5% really niggled me. She’d had loads of IV antibiotics but she never had a temperature or coughing anything up. It was a dry cough. Nothing indicated infection. There was no change in her condition, in fact she was deteriorating quite quickly. There was a very narrow window that she would be in a fit enough state to go home, which was all she wanted. Anyway, on the day she was being discharged everything was in place at home; the bed, oxygen, etc but I just couldn’t stop thinking, ‘what if they’ve got it wrong, what if it is just a really bad infection.’ I phoned the hospital, spoke to a doctor who said they were sure it was cancer, it was in her abdomen and lymph nodes too. I spoke to the palliative nurse and she said ‘do you want us to stop her discharge’ I knew that would break mums heart. I raced to the hospital and asked mum directly. I held her hand and said, ‘Mum, that small chance of it not being cancer is playing on my mind. Shall we try just one more lot of IV’s antibiotics?’ She squeezed my hand and said ‘I don’t want to love. I just want to go home. If it is an infection, it will clear up eventually. If it’s lung cancer, then so be it, I just want to get home today’. I needed to know that I’d tried everything but in the end, it was mums decision. It was empowering mum to make those choices. I said to her ‘we are with you every step of the way, mum’. She was so happy to get home. She never complained. She just said how happy she was, how lovely her little house was and how much she loved us. We were with her round the clock for those 5 short days. She was never alone. We supported dad too and gave them space together at times. You are right Kate, they knew their own minds. They made their own decisions. We cannot and should not control another person. We have to allow them to make their own choices. We respected mums decision and she was able to die how she wished.
I hope your son was comforted by that dream. Maybe it was your mum reminding him how loved he is and she will always be part of his life. Is he coping okay? Children are very good at living in the moment more than us. We tend to look back and forward, thinking ‘mum won’t see this, mum won’t be here for Christmas’. Of course kids are upset like us but they are just so much better at grasping ‘today’ than us.
My daughter lives about 10 miles from Detroit. She’s married an American guy. This is their 3rd child so will be my 3rd granddaughter. 
I was supposed to go in March but can’t face going right now.
I had a bad day yesterday and got angry at the world, angry at the kids for moving away, angry at mum for leaving me, angry at my husband, probably for just breathing!!! I have a busy day planned so should be a better day.
Your job sounds really exciting getting to travel and live in a new country, speak different languages, meet different people. Did your mum stay with you in Italy often?
We have a lot to be thankful for and hopefully we will feel it again one day. Take care
Hxx
Thank you so much Helen I feel so drained after everything.Yes one day is all I can hope to plan to get through this The reality that she has really gone is terrible today with me.x will keep in touch x thank you for thinking of me x
I’ve just been to the post office and bumped into someone who knows our family. ‘Oh, hi, how you doing, how’s your mum and dad?’ First time that’s happened. Saying it made it real but still can’t quite believe it!
Hi Helen,
You were right to let your mum decide and how happy she was to be in her home until the end. I think we’d all want that for ourselves as well as our loved ones. I think mum was feeling poorly in those last days, but I also know she wanted to stay at home. Maybe they could have prolonged her life for a some time in hospital, maybe not, but we had to go with their wishes.
I wish I’d have treasured every day with her more instead of being caught up in my own life rushing around doing 101 things, I was feeling stressed and frazzled in those last weeks I remember. If only I’d have known… 
Before Covid mum used to come and visit twice a year. Once in Spring for her birthday and Easter for about a month and again in the Autumn. We’d then go back to Uk in August and for Christmas. When Covid broke out amazingly she was here in the February. She had planned staying for a few weeks then coming back out for Easter.
She ended up staying here with us for 5 months! We all went back to Gloucester that August. I was so grateful she was with us and that we managed to avoid getting Covid because Italy was hit terribly at the start of the pandemic. Her brother in Gloucester was in hospital at the time, caught it and sadly died. In 2021 during the 2nd lockdown I managed eventually after months of literally begging the NHS here to get mum vaccinated …so much red tape in this bloody country for non residents.!!
Over the next 2 years mum was with us always bar a few months in Uk. I decided to apply for a residency permit in 2022 as with Brexit it was the only way she could stay for more than 90 days at a time. I knew in my heart that she needed to be with us. She was 85 and getting too frail to be on her own. Again endless paperwork and appointments in public/immigration offices to get that done… but I managed… in fact it was finally granted just after she died.
I’m so so grateful that she was with us. It would have been hideous if she’d died alone in her home. We made lots of memories over those last 2 and a half years together. I will treasure them forever. 
Alex my son is doing ok. He loved his granny a lot, he talks to me about her, which I love and he just gets how I’m feeling more than anyone. Kids do live in the moment more as you say. He was so happy to have dreamt about hugging her when she came down from heaven bless.
There was a lot to be grateful for in the last few years spent with mum. 
We have to try and focus on the many happy times and not the end of their lives. I guess in time it will come easier to us, we have to be patient and kind to ourselves. Hope you had a good day keeping busy.xx
Hi Helen
I managed just about to get through the funeral last Mon. Everything was perfect. I cried but managed to keep it all under control.Lots of people said they actually thought the funeral was the best they had ever been to.Cant imagine me ever saying that to anyone but there you go.I understand what they meant.The hymns and songs were lovely and the poem that was read was so emotional all about a mother so there were many years when that was read. The tea afterwards at the hotel was a welsh themed tea with sandwiches,bara broth cake,Welsh cakes,scones and cupcakes with Welsh themed toppers. Everyone had a lovely time looking at photos of mam when she was younger and when she was on her various holidays.
We ended the day with a private family get tog
at the hotel where I had booked a room and has nibblies and a bottle of wine.
That night I couldn’t sleep at all. Noth to do with the wine.I couldn’t stop thinking about mam and how I had left her all alone at the Crem.Then yesterday I had a phone call from the undertaker to say I could collect mam’s ashes Omg what a reality wake up call.Wasnt expecting that at all. I was petrified but went to the chapel of rest to collect them but just broke down.It was too much for me so he is keeping them there until we have a date to place them in the family grave. It was the worse thing I have ever done going back to get her Once I left there though without her I wished I had brought her home.So maybe in the next few days I shall pluck up the courage to go back and try again.
Thank you for thinking of me
Deborah x
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Like all of the others who have replied, I feel your loss and pain. My Mum passed away in May of last year and I am still in terrible shock and trauma due to it. I am living at the house where I looked after her when she had dementia, but she died in a care home after just 5 weeks …from a heart attack…so it was very unexpected. I hope that you and all of us others can get the counselling we so need. Hugs … Lawrence in Brigton. x
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