Wow Deborah the chalet looks lovely… somewhere you can flee to for a change of scenery.
Don’t stress yoursel about the house. The market is very very slow at the moment and I’m considering taking the house off the market until Spring. The market is saturated with properties and people can’t afford to buy right now and unless you are willing to slash the price then it’s a waiting game.
Renting is a totally different story, but I’m not sure I want that hassle, at the moment either I’ll try with an extra agent or wait until Spring. I’m not willing on coming right down on price at this stage.
Maybe it’s a good idea to get the clearing done and then just wait a while. It was heartbreaking seeing the house go from being a home to a just a house, seeing the contents getting less and less, but then it’s just a shell now. Tbh I found it strange and not right being there without mum.
I even found being in Gloucester strange. All the places we loved going as a family just didn’t hold any allure any more. I only popped into town a couple of times and it was painful. Gloucester will always be my home town rather than my home now. This is sad because it’s another loss, but it’s just not the same.
Helen the flashbacks are unfortunately something that will happen at this time. It’s painful reliving the weeks before the loss, but it will happen. You are right that hindsight is really crap. Remember though that we did our best for our mums and we weren’t to know what was around the corner. After the event things seem so black and white, but none of us could have anticipated losing our mums so suddenly and unexpectedly. We don’t live our lives thinking that disaster could strike in any moment.
On a lighter note, we will most probably be back in Manchester (my new second home lol:sweat_smile:) from 8th til 10th December. It’s a fleeting visit. Friday 8th is a bank holiday here so we are flying over for the match thanks to Matt our ticket supplying Man United supporter friend we met (destiny or did mum have a hand in this I wonder) at Bologna airport on our way back last time!! I’ll be going Christmas shopping whilst the boys are at the stadium!! I plan on bringing an empty case just for my M&S shop!! I can also stock up on faves such as marmite, decent teabags and HP sauce!!
We’ll certainly have an Indian/pub roast or fish and chip supper whilst there! Helen maybe you could give us some hints?!!
If you are around girls let me know, but don’t feel obliged to meet up. I won’t have the time to venture outside of Manchester this time.
Keep going girls thinking how far we have come.
Love and hugs,
K xxxx
Hiya Girls,
Aww Kate you are so right in everything you have said. Helen welcome to the horrible flashbacks.Wish they would do one.I am so many at the moment.The ones that tear at my heart Like the last few conversations mum said to me. They will forever be in my head.
Aww Kate it’s lovely you are coming back over and if I could come up and see you again I honestly would. I don’t think I am strong enough to be out and about at Xmas time as can’t bear to see the shops decorations and people and the buzz of Christmas. I am going to stay at home for the whole of Nov and Dec and just hide away.I hope you understand bec I would love to see you again. Maybe you and Helen could arrange something .I am sure Helen is a fan of M and S lol.
You have found a good contact for
tickets lol.
Keep going girls
Deborah x
Aww Deborah it’s going to be a tough few months and Christmas will bring back painful memories. We will all be here to support each other virtually that’s the important thing. Christmas has lost its meaning for me too tbh because mum loved it. Last year was a blur and very hard, this year will be a little easier but it’s lost it’s sparkle for me too. I have to keep it going for Alex’s sake and mum’s telling me that too I know. Just small steps and do whatever you feel up to… we’ll be here to support you.
Big hugs and thinking of you.
K xxxx
Hi girls, I feel exactly the same about Christmas. If it was just us I’d book a cottage in the Scottish highlands and just go out for walks away from it all. I have Harriet and the girls staying with us and probably my son and his girlfriend. I want the children to have magical memories of Christmas at Nannies house so I’m going to have to make some effort. It will be for the kids though. I don’t like hearing any Christmas songs etc. I sing in a choir at Christmas to raise money for our local hospice but I might give that a miss. Dad has said he’d like to book for the Messiah (you know Handel’s, with the hallelujah chorus) mum and dad went every year. It’s wonderful stuff but a bit heavy for me. It will be so hard sitting in the seat where mum should be. I’ll go with dad though as it’s good he’s even suggested it.
Deborah, what a lovely spot you have there. Maybe you could put lots of your mums stuff in there and you will feel close to her when you go? Looks like a real haven. Paul has been working hard. Yes we all need to look after ourselves better. Hope you feel better soon but I feel it will gradually get worse in the lead up to Christmas. We mustn’t be too hard on ourselves. We are allowed to feel crap and miserable!
Kate, I’m glad you are feeling better now you have past the dreaded first year anniversary. Here’s to a better second year. It’s good to talk to people who’ve been through this. Your poor hairdresser losing her mum so young I’m guessing you’ll have a very narrow window of time for your Christmas shopping but if you wasn’t to meet up I’d love to pop into town to see you, even if for just an hour for a coffee. There’s a decent cafe in the M&S. I could join you for a short break in your shopping
Anyway ladies, off to bed now after a busy day with the pup
Speak soon my lovelies and lots of love Hxxx
Hi Girls,
Just a quick post to say yes Helen try to meet up with Kate for us.Even if it’s just for a coffee catch up.
Start planning girls.
Will write longer later
Deborah x
Hi all i haven’t poster for a long whileas I’ve really struggled with other family health problems and my relationship breakdown after 20 years ,it was actually him who made me believe i didnt need this support his constant was i need to pull myself together … its my mams 1st anniversary on the 24th andd im really struggling right now,i hope you all dont mind me jumping back into the group xx
Hi Shellbell1,
The firsts are so painful and the build up just as bad. You just have to go through it somehow and choose how you get through the actual day that feels right for you. It’s a day for quiet reflection and for me in Dec I am going to do something to do with peace and quiet. I actually think I will go for a walk on the beach where mum and I used to go for a walk. Just a walk to reflect on her life and remember how kind she was. Then a cuppa on the car just like we used to do Then a visit to St Davids Cathedral in Pembrokeshire to light a candle for her and to pray. It will be a pilgrimage of love on that day for me.
It is the build up now to the 24th and you are bound to be struggling.
Being told to pull yourself together is such an immature thing to say so rise above words like that from anyone who says that to you. You are worth more than to be told that. We all need support in our lives especially when we are grieving and it’s not a quick fix in getting through it. You are suffering at the moment and vulnerable and that’s why you believed him when he said you didn’t need this site. I personally think he needs to wise up,man up or whatever else he wants to do because even the strongest person man or woman needs this site.You should be proud of yourself for getting through everything to get to this point. Keep going ok and think about how you will get through the 24th. You will get through the day and like everything else it will pass.
Thinking of you
Deborah x
Hi Shellbell, so sorry to hear about the breakup of your relationship. Another traumatic event to get your head around. Of course his lack of support is shameful. For someone to say ‘pull yourself together’ following a major loss is heartless. It’s fine to come into the group whenever you like. Fir done, coming on here just once I’d all they need and for others like me, it’s more often. It really doesn’t matter. It’s what works for you.
You have quite a lot of rebuilding your life to do. You will be host love. Just allow yourself time and grieve however you like and for as long as like. Do what you need to do. The anniversary is a big milestone and the build up is awful. I hope it starts to get easier after that. Lots of love Hxxx
Hi Shellbell
So sorry that you have had relationship and health issues to deal with on top of your grief.
We are all here to give each other support. I’m thinking of you with the anniversary coming up. I’ve just gone through this last week. It’s horrible isn’t it but you will probably find the build up is worse.
Just do whatever helps you to get through the day and don’t put any expectations on yourself. Reflect and remember your mum in any way that brings you comfort is my advice.
Reach out whenever you need to.
K xxx
Thank you for all your messages it really means a lot and helps me realise im not crazy or being selfish for the way i feel,i am well rid of the ex my focus now is me and my family,we are going to the beach on mams anniversary, it was her favourite place to be just to sit on the pier eating fish and chips so that’s what we’re going to do ,sending love and hugs to you all,you are all amazingly strong lovely people xxx
I always see red red flag if someone tells the partner what to do or not to do. Sorry, It just looks as if he wants to control you. - You have to do what you think is the best for yourself. Any other person should only tell you what they are doing. It should not even be a suggestion. - Well, now I have to admit that I have suggested to a friend to have his vitamin D3 level tested because his nose bleed would not stop. (I often have nose breeds if I do not get enough vitamin D.) - (I also found on the internet: "Vitamin D is also important for maintaining the balance of calcium in your blood and bones.") Please look it up, or even better, talk to you GP, just in case I am wrong. - Sorry for this odd text but I get angry if people tell others what to do or not do. - Well, I am a cat person. - Take care. - Nick
Hi Nick, I think we’ve all discussed on here the importance of looking after our physical health. If we have any imbalances we are trying to address these and taking advice from our GP. We are all struggling with mental health as that is the nature of grief but our physical health can have a huge impact too. Let’s all try and be as healthy as we can be Best wishes to you Hxxx
Hi Girls,
How’s everyone doing?.
Been ill myself since yesterday morning.Had my COVID jab yesterday and it’s the first time I have been ill after having it. Knocked me for six and have been in bed all day.Just feel so weak dizzy and fever symptoms along with a throbbing arm.
Apart from that I have been sorting mum’s things as usual here and fussing over Glyn as he came home last Fri for a week.
Hope you are all okish.
Deborah x
Hi Nick,
Don’t apologise for your text.It wasn’t odd at all. It’s so lovely when we can be truthful on here and advise other people and show how much we care. It is healthy I feel and reinforces to the other person how much we value them. Sometimes that’s all it takes for the person to have validation about how they really feel.
Thanks for the tip about the Vitamin D as I also need to look after myself more than what I am doing.
Deborah x
Well said Helen. We are all struggling with so much and in so many ways. I am very good at saying I am going to do this that and the other for my wellbeing but not actually doing it.Need to change my attitude somehow. I think during the winter we will all struggle more especially getting motivated to go anything like going out for walks etc. I really need to though.
I think the worst thing is I have no enthusiasm for anything so I put my wellbeing last when I know I shouldn’t.
I will have to try harder.
Deborah x
Hi Shellbell1,
So glad you are focusing on you and your family from now on.Well done as it can’t be easy.
The beach will be wonderful to be at for the anniversary. What date is it?
Deborah x
Hi girls, hope you are doing okay. I’ve been enjoying my walks again with my new dog, Mary. She’s a sweet little thing. She was spayed on Wednesday so I was in with her all day yesterday as she’s on restricted walks. I find the grief kicks in when I’m home alone. I rarely stay in the house during the day but when I do and I don’t do much it just hits me. So yesterday, as I was cuddling little Mary, I was telling her what an awful year I’ve had and telling her about mum and how much she’d have loved her. Well, I was off then for a good hour (dogs are great for offloading!) I think I probably needed that as I don’t cry that often these days, maybe only a couple of times a week and it’s not the big cries, like in those early days.
I’m half way through some annual leave so I’ve been off this week and off again next week. I have an interview for a new job (my previous role) on 31st 0ctober I’m already thinking if I don’t get it I will hand in my notice anyway and just do agency work. I’ve struggled having any motivation in my current job since losing mum. It’s a job that requires lots of training and I just have no interest. I enjoyed my old job but just needed more hours which is the only reason I changed. The new post is 20 hours which is what I wanted
Anyway girls, keep smiling. Lots of love to you all Hxxx
@Hallard123 I hear you, what you say feels familiar as I lost my mum in May this year and it was sudden on a Sunday afternoon. One minute she was ok, the next, she was unconscious from a brain bleed. We sat with her in hospital all night hoping there might be some hope of recovery, but she passed away the following morning. I just hope and pray that she maybe heard us with her, talking to her, being with her through that night and imagine holding her hand and telling her I love her and that we were lucky to have had her as a mum. I re-live that night in the hospital a lot, and can see her in my head. Now I miss her being here and the space and emptiness left behind is unbearable at times. Her loss is like a shadow that clouds everything I do, I can’t face days and often find it difficult to function. But I hope to feel better one day. My thoughts are with you, it’s a difficult time but we will get through it.
Helen I’m glad you are enjoying Mary. It’s true, dogs (and probably cats too) are a great stress therapy. Last night I saw my English friend who lives nearby for dinner and a catch up. Her dad had a stroke last month and is currently in a rehab centre.
She said they use pet therapy for the patients with dogs and it makes such a difference to their morale. I can’t wait for ours.
Good luck for the interview Helen. I’ve been given more hours. I now work 8 hours Monday and Friday when I’m at home. I said no to going back to a complete fulltime contract because part time suits me and once you give it up it’s really hard to get it back, here in Italy they are not so easily available. We also have a new girl starting in November… hopefully to take the pressure off a bit… we have so much work on.
I’ve been feeling okish, I had a weird dream the other night. I was chatting away to mum, she looked really well with plenty of meat on her bones like she did a few years back… maybe 10 or so and we were just chatting about random things. Then I looked at her and said “Mum, you do realise that you’re dead don’t you???”
She replied “Oh… am I???” then I woke up. It was very strange but also quite a comforting dream in as much as she seemed fine, much more healthy, and we were chatting away like we used to. I really hope it’s a sign that she’s ok and she was trying to convince me of this. I read somewhere that when people pass on, they don’t stay in their latter /old, poorly or frail state but go back to when they were healthy and younger.
My best friend is coming over to stay on 31st for 4 days and I’ll have 3 days off that week so it will be nice to have a catch up. I want to try and clear out mum’s wardrobe by then and give away some of her clothes and shoes to charity.
1st November is All Saints day and a bank holiday then 2nd November is the day of the dead here and the kids are off school, but it’s not a bank holiday for everyone … weird.
It’s the only day of the year when the cemeteries are literally heaving with people coming and going to put flowers on their loved ones’ graves. I don’t know if you have seen the film “Coco”, but it’s a great film about how our loved ones live on in us via our memories and by making them part of our everyday lives. In Mexico they really celebrate their loved ones on the day of the dead. If you haven’t seen the film, I definitely recommend it. I’d love to be in Mexico on that day!!
Well I’ll sign off for now. Have a good week end my friends.
Love K xxxx
Hi Juniper. Sorry for your loss. It’s still very early days for you. I too lost my mum suddenly last October and it’s true that the void they leave is immense. Nothing is the same anymore. It will get a little easier in time but the ache is always there. Sending love and strength. Post here whenever you feel the need. Kate.xx
I’m guessing you’ll have a very narrow window of time for your Christmas shopping but if you wasn’t to meet up I’d love to pop into town to see you, even if for just an hour for a coffee. There’s a decent cafe in the M&S. I could join you for a short break in your shopping
xxx
Best wishes to you Hxxx
I’m already thinking if I don’t get it I will hand in my notice anyway and just do agency work. I’ve struggled having any motivation in my current job since losing mum. It’s a job that requires lots of training and I just have no interest. I enjoyed my old job but just needed more hours which is the only reason I changed. The new post is 20 hours which is what I wanted