Hi Girls,
Aww I am so glad you have Mary. Bet she is adorable. Definitely company for you on walks.
Good luck for the interview. I know you haven’t been happy in the role you go so I really hope you get the job. A Halloween interview lol.
I know what you mean about the crying. I had a long cry last week when I went to mum’s and sat on her bed.Just lost it completely.Felt like a little girl again sobbing for her mum. It was sobbing like I was in the beginning. I just went in to her bedroom and went to look out of the window.Thenbturned around and I was standing the side of the bed that I always used to help her out from and just pulled the duvet back and sobbed my heart out.
It just came from nowhere.
Almost happened today when I took some of her things to the charity shop. That’s all I have thought of is feeling guilty and I just want to go back there and buy them back.
Kate I haven’t seen that film but I will look for it. Haven’t been to Mexico but it’s on my list for one day.
Jules are you ok.Hows the new job going? Half term soon !!!
Have a good weekend girls
Deborah x
Hello all, Sorry I’ve been radio silent have been thinking of you all but totally absorbed in work etc. Went to Oxford and Bicester village last weekend and stayed with friends. I’m still so so sad over Mum. I used to live in Oxford and we walked past one of the cafes I used to take Mum when she came to visit ( I remembered how she used to clean the house - and then deny it)) when she came up to see me. I’m doing ok. Work is busy but really enjoying it. I get to go to Iceland on a Year 10 trip next year so that is exciting. Coming up to a difficult time of year though and I’m bracing myself. I’m moving forward but the sadness is always there - sometimes just beneath the surface, ready to erupt. I had a student come to see me today. Her Mum had died unexpectedly. I wasn’t prepared but somehow held my own grief in. Life isn’t fair is it? How can somebody be without their Mum at 14 years old? I sobbed in the staff toilet a little later. Anyway, I hope you all well. I’m on half term now so I’ll catch up with all the messages and be in touch soon xx
Hi girls, How are you all doing? I’ve had a bad patch. Been quite weepy. Also been a cow to Tom. Everything is his fault, he doesn’t understand…blah, blah. He’s so patient but I must be difficult to live with when I get like that. Luckily it’s only happened a couple of times since losing mum. I think I just get a build up and need something/someone to take my anger and frustration out on and poor Tom gets both barrels. I also think we are adjusting to not having a mother’s love. There’s nothing quite like it. My mum was always delighted to spend time with me. She would randomly say things like ‘oh Helen, you are beautiful’ you know how mums do, bless ‘em 
or with the job interview coming up, mum would be telling me how capable I am. It just isn’t the same when other people say it somehow. This isn’t much fun is it girls. I feel like I’m turning a corner though now so feeling more positive.
Kate, I’m glad you got comfort from your dreams. I’ve not had dreams for ages but that’s fine. How lovely to have your friend coming over. Have a great time. I have seen Coco. It’s a good film.
Deborah, looks like you’ve been in a dip too. We’ll be okay love. I think the build up to the 1st anniversary is preying on our minds. Crying is good for us. I think we’ll be doing a lot more between now and new year 
I keep thinking about this time last year. Poor mum
Jules, it sounds like you’re enjoying the new job. Hopefully I’ll get this job I’ve applied for. A trip to Iceland would be fantastic and seeing it through the eyes of the kids makes it even more special.
Well girls, l’ll say cheerio for now. Have a good weekend and a positive next week. Lots of love H xxx
Hiya girls,
Hope you are all doing okish.
Right you are never going to believe this.
Last Fri I went to the chalet and stayed the night at mums.I was in a terrible state crying .Had a hell of a crying bout that night Sat on mum’s bed and had gut wrenching crying…Woke the next morning and did some sorting in her spare bedroom.Shechad ornaments from an old aunt that she looked after and I asked Paul which one shall I keep.Ehilst he was there he said that one of them played a tune I had no idea so played it I just turned the small key underneath twice and it played a calming soft tune that went on for ages and ages. When it stopped I moved it to the bed with other things. After approx ten mins it started playing the tune. I was gobsmacked. I went downstairs to tell Paul but it stopped as I got to the bottom I stood at the bottom of the stairs and Paul came into the lounge so I started telling me and he said Deb are you really sure!!! Yes I said I didn’t make the bloody thing up. With that it started playing again Then stopped after a few seconds and started again. This happened about 5 times in the next half an hour.Wecstayed in the lounge the entire time so didn’t touch it.Anyway we left and went to the chalet and returned to mum’s house at approx 11pm.
Paul made a cuppa and I went upstairs.No sound at all from the ornament so I picked it up and moved it into the bedroom where we were sleeping in.Placed it just inside the bedroom on the drawer unit and then rushed to the bathroom. I checked in mum’s bedroom like I usually did then went onto the bedroom and immediately the ornament started playing.I couldn’t believe it. Called Paul but it then stopped do I started going downstairs to tell him and it started again. He came up and it had stopped. Nothing at all so I moved it and put it on the table my side of the bed. After approx half an hour it started playing and kept stopping and starting many many times then stopped completely so we put the lights off and tried to sleep.Just as I was dropping off to sleep I almost jumped out of my skin as it started again.It was unbelievable I am not going mad honest.I just can’t explain it. Nothing else happened until last night when it happened just once when I got into bed.
We are just leaving the chalet now do will keep you informed
Love to you all
Deborah x
Oh wow Deborah. That’s amazing! What tune does it play? That’s a really strong sign xxx
Hi,
Don’t know the tune at all.
It has got to be mum.Whatvelse would explain it. I think she saw me being do upset on that Fri night and came through to me. I feel she led Paul to tell me one of the ornaments played a tune because I never knew that. All so strange.
I am just keeping yo myself at the moment .Only going to the chalet and mum’s house Doing online shopping and avoiding the Christmas goings on in the shops. Protecting myself I guess. Am trying to prepare myself for the first anniversary. Am not sure what to do on the day yet. It’s difficult to know what to do.
Debx
Hi Deb, I don’t suppose there is much we can do on the anniversary day. I will take the day off work for sure. Maybe do something with family. It will be awful whatever we do. It’s just the thought of not having seen my mum in a whole year?! How can that be? It’s going to be tough but I’m hoping, like Kate, we feel better after it 
Hello lovely ladies,
Gosh Deborah that surely has to be your Mum communicating with you. Not sure how else it could be explained! Like all of you I am beginning to feel susceptible again and feeling the slightest thing is making me cry. I have been busying myself to the point I know I am about to crash. Work, Oxford weekend, London day trip and murder mystery last night. Our all day yesterday at Hinton Ampner. I can’t sit still… A group of us went to see a NOMADs ( local Romsey amateur dramatics) last night. Was the Sound of Murder based very loosely on the Julie Andrews musical we all know and . Well, my name is Julie- Ann ( I much prefer Jules) and I was named as such as my parents’ first date was to see the film back in 1965. I just blubbed into my wine 
( luckily was dark). I’m really up and down.
Helen: good luck with the new job and I’m sure you will ace the interview. It is strange without our Mums bolstering our confidence. My Mum always used to tell me how beautiful I was whenever we visited her in the care home during her last few months. The care home mirror told me otherwise after a long Social work day and rubbish food on the go - but there you are. !
Kate: I hope you are keeping well and your son is keeping you in lots of smiles… We will all get through Christmas and our respective dreaded day because we have to. Some of us will protect ourselves in solitude others will burn out ( I know where i sit!) but we will remember our Mums with love. X
Hiya Jules,
Aww so lovely to hear from you.You make me shattered just reading what you have got up to but well done honestly. I have gone the the way and am more of a recluse lately. I just stay at home or venture to my chalet and mum’s. But that’s ok for now. I think it’s because I don’t work so it’s easier to hide away from the world.
Helen when is the interview. Sorry I forgot to ask you.It must be soon. Or maybe you have had it by now.Sorry I am finding it hard to concentrate these days.
Kate how’s things with you. Are you still coming over to Manchester?
I have been staying at mum’s for the past week and I am ready I think to get an estate agent here to value it. So will pluck up the courage to make the phone call soon.
Keep going girls. I am proud of you all. I really am
Deborah x
Hiya Helen,
I think I will go to St David’s Cathedral near me. Its my go to place whenever I need help or in trouble of any kind. When I was diagnosed with cancer it became my sanctuary and I would go there and pray in the little chapel at the back. Same when mum was diagnosed 4yrs ago. It holds a lot of memories for me and of course my faith feels strong there. Mum was a faithful churchgoer so it seems fitting. Glyn was also confirmed years ago in the Cathedral and I have lovely photos of mum there with us at the service so lots of memories will come flooding back.
I still have mum’s ashes at my house so I feel she is with me in my home.
As you say whatever we do will be tough but we will get through it.
Deborah x
Hi Girls
Great to read all your messages. 
Jules, good to hear you are keeping very busy. I agree with you there is no right or wrong way to get through the dreaded day. It could be watching comedy films all day, getting out of the house or just sitting in quiet reflection or a mix of them. It will forever be a horrible date on the calendar, but a day that we have to get through nonetheless. Just do whatever brings you a little bit of comfort. Again, I often think about what mum would do or ask her advice and I’m sure she’d say concentrate on yourself and try not to dwell on the date, make the best of a shitty day. Obviously there will be flashbacks, and maybe tears : it’s normal, but for me the day itself wasn’t as bad as the work up to it.
That said, I’ve been feeling very weepy these past few days. Working from home always does it for me as mum was always here with me. Stupid things like making a cuppa just for me or thinking what I used to make her for lunch. I’ve had a few sobs and keep going over the what ifs and if onlys… but ultimately it makes my suffering worse doing this. I’ve also been thinking about Gloucester, my secondary loss and how much I love it and miss it even more now.
Deborah, yes fingers crossed, we are still coming to Manchester briefly in December.
Wow the musical ornament episode is uncanny. I haven’t had any dreams of late about mum. We have to find comfort wherever we can don’t we? On one of these chats somebody said that she feels comfort thinking that her mum is nearby even if she can’t see her and I also am starting to have this mind set. That she is always nearby and probably wants to hug me as much as I want to hug her….
That thought brings me comfort.
Helen, good luck with the interview on Tuesday; it’s so true our mums were (are) our no1 fans and it’s so hard not having that support. Your mum will be rooting for you for sure!! Hope little Mary is keeping you on your toes! I know what you mean about being in a bad mood… sometimes I get on my own nerves for being such a moody and snappy cow! Our other halves understand though and I’m sure Tom even more so having lost his mum too.
I’ve been keeping busy and have a busy week ahead with my bestie from Gloucester coming over. Hopefully we can have some laughs together. She used to come out once a year to see me but she hasn’t been over since 2018 what with covid then mum living with us so the spare room was booked lol.
Keep going ladies and lots of love to you all.
K xxxx
Hi Kate,
You are so right about the build up to the firsts. I am trying not to keep thinking about it and just let the day come and go.
I just can’t believe it’s almost a year since mum passed. Where has the time gone?
I would never have got through it without you girls.
Big hugs
Deborah x
Hi Girls,
Are you all ok?
I have just been at home not doing very much except a bit of gardening today. Got me out in the fresh air anyway as the weather has been awful recently. It was a bit sunny today so out I went.
Halloween tonight! Mum used to be so scared of people knocking on her door and wearing masks . I used to go and stay with her for a few nights just in case anyone knocked. This year I can’t even phone her to check on her !!!
I feel so redundant in so many ways. No caring for her, shopping ,ironing ,washing her clothes and changing her bed and hoovering. No appointments to take her to for oncology, hearing eye tests, feet, jabs , doctors etc.
No days out or weekend trips and holidays. No visiting friends of hers at their homes or care homes. No trips to church services. No helping her walk as her mobility was getting worse and no beauty days. We used to have such fun with beauty days. Mum and I with face masks on and those foot spa bags you put your feet in and fresh nail and toe varnish ! And sometimes we would even have a glass of wine pretending we were in a real Spa !
I have been trying so hard to keep busy and get through the days but its still very hard isn’t it ? When I meet people they think that after 10 months you should be back to normal and look at me daft if I start being tearful. And of course to some people it’s like mum never existed because many don’t even mention her. I could honestly scream at that.
Helen have you had the interview yet?
Love to you all
Deborah x
Hi all, Yes Deborah it’s all the little things that add up to all the big things we did with our Mums. I find myself getting upset at all sorts of things. One of Mum’s friends ( they met when they were 18yrs old) text me to day. Telling me how much she misses mum and how she has been reminiscing the olden days. A reminder that other people are also grieving. The people who matter and who mattered to your lovely Mum will never forget who she was/ is. Our Mums did more than exist. They lived! They were also loved 
… School life keeping me busy. I’m at 7.30 am home for 6pm today. Keeps my mind from wandering. I’m feeling tearful today so I know I’m working up to a bit of a downer. There is a school Xmas party at the local gold club in December. People pushing for me to go but i just don’t feel up to it xx Take care all for now x
Hiya Julest and girls,
I wouldn’t feel up to going to the party either.Just explain and hope they understand. The evening will be full of laughter,fun and Christmas cheer.All the things you can’t face. People just don’t understand how long it all takes just to survive each day.
See how you feel nearer the time
Deborah x
Hi girls, good news! I’ve got the job I wanted. It was so strange. I haven’t had any signs for months but on the way to my interview as I turned the corner was a rainbow. Then later when I got home there was a Robin on the patio. It looked at me for a while then flew away. I felt they were signs from mum. Today has been bittersweet. I handed my notice in and my manager was really surprised but lovely. On the drive home I got so emotional and just cried in the car. I found myself weeping and saying out loud ‘where are you, mum?!’ Just cried again thinking about it. I’m happy about the job but another change. Little Mary has been getting me out in nature everyday which has been a real tonic. Even today, we went out walking in the rain. It is just good to be outside in any weather. I’m really going to make an effort to start living again next year after mum’s anniversary. I know mum would be heartbroken to see me like this. I’ve booked a trip to London with a friend to watch a show and stay over for just 1 night in February. She lost her dad (and her dog) soon after me.
Kate, I hope you’re feeling a bit better. It’s grim isn’t it when the lows hit.
Deborah, I believe St David’s cathedral is spectacular. Churches are just so comforting aren’t they?
Jules, if it is is low coming, just let it come and then go. We are becoming experts at this now aren’t we.
Lots of love to you all Hxxx
Hiya girls,
Aww Helen congratulations.I am over the moon for you Well well done.
I know it must be emotional leaving your old job but a new start. And a trip to London in Feb. Amazing. So much to see and it will be a wonderful break for you.
They were definitely signs from your mum.They really were.
I think we are all going through lows at the mo.You are not alone girls as I have been very tearful every day.
Keep going girls.
Love to you all.
Deborah x
Hi Girls,
Hope you are all ok. Have been a bit absent as my friend Julie was here. She left earlier.
Helen congratulations on the new job!! What does it involve? Was it work in the community rather than in the surgery if I remember correctly? Do your hours change?
Those were definitely signs from your mum!! I’m sure the change will be so good for you.
I know Deborah, our lives have changed so much without our mums. The list of the things you mention were the exact same things I used to do for mum. It’s so sad not doing them any longer.
Jules hope you are feeling better. It’s ups and downs isn’t it?
It was great to have some time off work and have my friend to hang out with and we did have some long chats and laughs! A much needed tonic.
Yesterday we went to San Marino for a day trip. It’s an independent country on top of a mountain near the seaside. As we looked down across the sprawling countryside towards the seaside we could just make out the place where we went on holiday with mum last year. I suddenly felt very sad of course.
Then suddenly Alex noticed a rainbow appear across the fields. Again, it seemed mum was saying hello and not to be sad thinking about that holiday.
I’ve attached a photo. 
Anyhow girls have a good rest of the weekend.
Lots of love to you all.
K xxxx
Hi Kate,
Thats a sign for sure from your mum. Glad you had a good time with your friend. You are doing well. Love the photo.
Did you have to have an energy efficient assessment done on your mums house before you sold it?
I have someone calling next week to carry one out and write a performance report which apparently is a legal requirement. Just wondered if you had one done.
How are you now Helen after the interview. They are so draining to go through. But great when you get the job. When do you start?
Jules are you ok? Hope you are enjoying half term.
Am off to our chalet tom for a week and staying at mums to do more there.
Will check on you all again soon
Love Deborah x
Hi Deborah
Yes I had the EPC done. It’s required by law when selling a property. I did it via a private assessor and paid £60; it was much cheaper than doing it via the Estate Agents.
Hope you have a good time at the chalet.
Speak soon,
K xxx