Today was the day last year mum started being ill well through the night tonight when she was so sick and I phoned the doctor tom. Seems unreal it was a year ago. Every single second in my memory is as clear as can be like it was yesterday.I know exactly the time it all started where I was standing, what we did that night and every single thing I did to make her more comfortable and get better. It’s like a nightmare playing out in my head. The past few days I have been awful. I have been the lowest I have been for months. But thankfully today I am crawling out of it and am at the chalet. My eyes are still stinging from the constant crying but I really do feel like I am coming through this low.
Tomorrow though is the day the estate agent calls so that’s a different story. God knows how I will be. But I will put my big girl pants on and do the best I can.
Thank you all for being so caring and being there for me with your wonderful words as always.
Lots of love
Yes Kate, I’m trying to focus on the girls having the best time. Children are wonderful for that. They make you keep going. Just like Alex made you make something of last Christmas. I cannot imagine what that was like so soon after losing your mum.
Deborah, I’m the same. Remembrance Sunday was hard as that’s the first real indication that mum wasn’t well. We always got the train to Manchester cenotaph to attend the service. When we got to the local station mum said she didn’t feel up to it. I told her to go home and rest. I honestly didn’t think it was anything serious, just a viral type illness. I wish I’d have been more sympathetic. Me and dad went to Manchester while mum was at home. I feel terribly guilty about this and it’s preying on my mind a lot. Had I known how seriously ill she was, I’d have just stayed with her and not gone to Manchester. Of course I would. I know I wasn’t to know, absolutely had no clue but I still feel so guilty about mum going home on her own while me and dad carried on without her. Poor mum!
These thoughts come in our minds now but what good does it do? We were just living our normal lives. We didn’t know what was around the corner. It just makes us feel terrible. We should have done this or that, not done this or that? We weren’t to know. Mum knew how loved she was and so did yours Deborah. We honestly could not have loved our mum’s anymore. We were their greatest joy in life. We’ve been through the worst pain and are still going through it. No wonder we are going through this and again, grief is hitting us hard, like a sledgehammer! We’ve lifted ourselves up before and we will again.
Loads of love and hugs, Hxxx
Totally agree with everything you have said. Guilt plays a horrible part in grieving and can break a person.
Yes we will all go through and come out the other side of Christmas. Everything passes as the saying goes. But at a price I guess of severe sadness. We just have to carry on and focus on being strong for everyone else.
I have decided to put mums tree up in my house this year and her Father Christmas ornaments and decorations.ShevlovedcSantascand had loads so I canvsee it now my housecwill be like a Santa grotto. I am not putting them up until 2 days before Xmas as I know it will upset me . I usually put my decorations up early as I absolutely love Xmas but not this year. Her decorations will make her feel even closer. That’s the main thing.
Online shopping for me this year I am not stepping into a shop if I can help it. Need to protect myself as much as poss and am not going out much at all.
Keep going girls as look how far we have come. It’s horrible enough as it is at present facing Xmas without our mum’s but even worse looking back to this time last year and the states we were all in.
And when we get the first anniversaries over with we need to start planning another reunion ok. All get your thinking caps on !!!
Love Deborah x
Yes, guilt is an inevitable and one of the most horrible parts of grief. Of course we would have done things differently had we known, but we didn’t.
I too still berate myself for not realising in those last weeks that Mum was silently slipping away. How could I not have realised that the end was imminent ?? How could I have been so blind??!!!
Everything is so much clearer and black in white in hindsight, we must remember that! We did the best we could for our beloved mums and they know that!
I found this poem online and thought it summed up my feelings so well.
Thank You For Being A Part Of My Journey
I just want to let you know I’m okay. I still feel your presence in my everyday life. I talk to you all the time, and I see the signs you send me.
I smile when I think of something you would say to make me laugh. I can still hear your voice in my head and feel your love in my heart.
I don’t feel like you’re gone just because I can’t see you. I know you’re now just a part of me.
A very important part…just as you’ve always been.
I try really hard not to feel guilt, regret, or anger, because those emotions only make me feel further away from you. I’m also not sad all the time. I know you would hate to see me that way.
I talk to you just as I always have, sometimes even out in public. I don’t care what other people think. They don’t know us, and they don’t know our story.
Here’s the thing…I know as much as I tried I couldn’t save you. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. I made the right decisions based on what I believed was best for you…and us.
I know you know that.
I’m here and you’re there, and I hope where you are is better, because I’ll see you there someday when I find my way back to you.
Thank you for being a part of my journey…even though I wish it could’ve been longer.
Until we meet again I promise you I’ll continue to honor our relationship by releasing the anger that no longer serves me, forgiving myself for what I might have done wrong, and living the best life I can with no regrets.
I’ll honor your memory by living my life for both of us…and at the end of my journey, I know you’ll be waiting.
Aww bloody hell Kate I am speechless.
That poem sums up everything I feel and it’s so emotional,powerful and moving. I have read a lot of poems and readings but that has to be the one that has completely got to me. Thank you for sharing it. I have honestly been completely moved by it.
Had the estate agent to mum’s house today.I started crying when I spoke my first sentence so I thought what a start.He was lovely though as I am sure he is used to it Did you ever have to show your estate agent or your solicitor a copy of the probate form you completed. He asked me how much had I stated on the form how much the house was worth and I couldn’t remember but said something about if the house sells for more than what I put there may be tax implications. Mum’s house isn’t over the inheritance tax level so I don’t understand what he was on about. I was just wondering on your selling your mum’s house journey if you had to show the probate form to anyone.
All this is so new to me.
Hope you are all ok girls
Love Deborah xx
Yes both the Estate Agent and the solicitor will need a copy of the probate form.
I asked the Estate Agent I originally was going to use for a valuation for probate purposes (to put on the application) and he said it’s always best to keep it a bit lower for probate. Anyhow, I had no idea of it’s value back in January when I filled in the application form in good faith and now I’m (hopefully)selling it for more than that amount….
I think it’s to do with capital gains tax… it’s a minefield and confusing and no doubt there will be more tax to pay down the line. If it’s not inheritance tax it’s capital gains…!
I will have to see what the solicitor says.
Well done for getting the valuation done. Try to get another one done just to be on the safe side.
I’m glad you liked the poem… it really struck a chord with me.
Thanks for the poem Kate. That got to me too. It’s what keeps me going, knowing I’ll see mum again one day. She promised she will come and find me when it’s my turn. My mindset is that she’s just gone on ahead of me and I just have a bit more life to live. It’s helps me to think this way. I know it’s so personal but I truly believe death isn’t the end.
Good luck with house Deborah and remember you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. It’s still your decision right up to the contract being signed. Hope you are doing okay.
Lots of love H xxx
Kate that’s what I did when I filled in the probate form. I estimated the value from other houses that were the same and today the estate agent said it was £50 k more .estimated though and not what I would probably get. That’s what he must have been on about then Capital gains! All this is such an eye opener. Looks like I will have to pay capital gains tax then. Too true you can’t win.
Today was heartbreaking in every sense of the word.
Feel drained after it
How are you Deborah? Are you feeling any better? I’m doing okay this week but some Christmas songs came on tv and I had to turn it over. It’s going to be pretty much like this until the 1st anniversary I guess
Keep going. Lots of love H xxx
Hiya Helen and girls,
I am emotionally up the creek to be honest. This Week last year mum started being ill First anniversary coming up and trying to clear mum’s house has almost finished me off. Then Christmas soon so that’s another milestone I could go without. I constantly feel exhausted. There’s no end to it.
Aww Deborah I feel for you. It’s tough when the calendar has us thinking “this time last year it all started”…plus It’s not the most wonderful time of the year for us who are grieving is it? Every Christmas song reminds me of mum. She loved the songs especially the oldies. Luckily here they don’t play them much in the shops. I honestly don’t think Christmas will ever be the same for me.
I was working from home today so I had a few tears. I always speak to mum when I’m alone working.
It’s my birthday on Tuesday but I’m not relishing that either. I remember the pain of last year, so soon after losing mum. Again it’s not a day that I want to celebrate without mum. Another year…getting older without her. I know she’s up there saying “oh yes you will celebrate my girl….” but what can we do?
My phone made me a lovely collage of “Mum through the years” this morning… so that got me started immediately! Those phone memories are brutal when they pop up aren’t they?
Hope you are ok girls?
Hi girls, yes I agree with everything you said Kate. It’s really hard. Sometimes it’s like being pulled in two different directions. One side wants to curl up in a ball and cry for mum and the other is saying ‘c’mon, you’ve got a life to live. Be happy’ It’s almost like having two personalities; the grieving daughter and the cheerful mum/wife/friend.
I too find being alone is when my thoughts come in most. I did choir practice last night and just cried in the car all the way home. Last year, mum was eagerly buying tickets and really looking forward to it. This year I don’t have anyone coming to the concert. That’s actually my choice as I’d get too emotional. But what a contrast!!
It’s a different life for us all now. Nothing will ever be the same. We have to accept that so we can move forward and create a new life for us. It’s just trying to accept it that’s difficult. We’ve all moved on from that initial grief but are all still in the early stages. It’s okay to feel how we do. I think we’ve all done so well and making our mums proud. Try and get some joy this weekend and if you have sunshine, try and get outdoors.
Lots of love my dear friends Hxxx
Oh Kate, phone memories are a nightmare. They come up when you don’t expect them and can change your whole mood for the day can’t they? Maybe one day they will make us smile lots of love Hxxx
That’s exactly how I feel like I’m living a double life. The smiles for the others and the tears for when I’m alone with my thoughts and pain.
Yes we have to push ourselves forward in this new life and live it as best we can. We owe our mums that as they are probably cheering us on in our difficult moments even if we can’t see them, they are here. I had another strange experience last week. I walked into the lounge and for a few seconds I could smell mum. It was her scent… it didn’t last long but it was definitely her smell! That made me think is she here even though I can’t see her?
I forgot to say that I paid the deposit on our Westie pup. He/she will be arriving around end of February. My colleague is also getting one in January (could have been ours but I preferred to wait towards Spring). That will be something to look forward to and keep me on my feet.
Yes I’m going to get out later in the fresh air, even if only for Alex’s match. I wish I had the beautiful British countryside to get out into. I miss that so much. It’s so lovely that you and your dad go on your day trips every Friday.
Hope you are ok Deborah and Jules.
Take care Lovelies.
Have been reading your posts and I feel the same as you. I was useless at drama in school but right now I could win an oscar for my acting skills.
I can’t seem to lift myself out of this mood at the moment. Problem is I do t even want to.
I have been on bed all day today and slept for like 8 hrs solid I constantly feel exhausted. It’s draining.
I made an appointment for photos of mum’s house to be done for next week so that was a big milestone and I only made a phone call. I can’t seem to do the simplest of things before getting upset. I did feel better after making it though.The build up to it was worse.
Am trying to crawl to the end of the year somehow. I keep thinking back to this time last year but god forbid I wouldn’t want to go through all that again. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
It’s actually horrible being so sad and miserable all the time and people seem to have less empathy bec it’s been almost a year now. I fel people look at me and think to themselves what’s wrong with her and why is she still like this. It just makes me want to crawl back into my shell even further. This site is the only release where I feel accepted and normal if that’s the right word.
I keep saying I am going to do online shopping but even that is too much trouble for me. Does this ever get any better I wonder ?
I have a bit of swollen glands and fel run down at the mo so that’s not helping me. It’s always worse to conquer Everest when you feel a bit low but I am sure things can only improve.
How have we all survived a year? It’s incredible when you think about it .God knows where I would be without you all.
Onwards and upwards girls as they say. We can only get stronger.x
Aww Deborah, it’s weird how people have stopped talking about mum. It’s almost like, ‘right, grieving time is over. Next…’ We know it doesn’t work like that. In some ways it gets harder as it’s further away from when we last saw mum. People don’t realise. The longest I went in my whole 52 years without seeing mum was 6 weeks during covid, but even then we could speak on the phone, chat through the window etc. I can hardly believe I’ve survived nearly a year without my mummy . I think ‘survived’ is the right word. I can relate to everything you say Deborah. It’s changed my life so much, even in my marriage it’s been a difficult year. I think you just have to do whatever you need to right now and if that means diving under the duvet then so be it. Just hoping it will ease for soon. Lots of love H xxx
Deborah I’m sorry you are feeling so low. It’s totally understandable. As Helen said, people just expect us to get on with it after the first few months. Even a friend of mine who lost her mum many years back doesn’t ever ask me how I feel.
They don’t understand that we WANT to talk about our mums, that way they live on…
I mention something about mum every day with whoever I may be with. I love talking about her.
This is a place where we can share memories of our lovely mums.
Hope this next week will be better for you Deborah.
Aww Kate I saw that the other day.Such lovely words. There are so many poems that bring me comfort.
I just feel so drained with thinking back to what I was doing this time last year and poor mum slipping away from me more each day. I can’t bear to look at the photos on my phone.
I feel sick just thinking about it all and the fight I had to go through to bring her home.
It all still hurts like it was yesterday.
Me too Kate I talk about mum every day. It’s do easy to do as there’s so much that reminds me of her.
Did I tell you all what happened last week?
I was the last to leave the house one day last week and I left via the front door which was unusual as I use the back door. I checked all the windows ,doors and lights were off before leaving for the chalet for two nights. Paul was already up there and Glyn was working away do no one went to the house while we were away. on returning I noticed a light on in the hallway. Was worried sick. I had fairy lights on the hall cupboard which was right by the front door so I would have noticed them on when I left. No way we’re they on when I left. Am sure it’s another sign and again it’s to go with lights.
Helen our husbands and family have had so much to put up with the state we have been in. It’s a wonder Paul hasn’t done a runner and I wouldn’t have blamed him.I have been awful to live with.Truly awful. I hate myself for saying it but I have changed into a miserable,sad, can’t be bothered with anyone or anything sort of person and I know that it has affected Paul do much. I am hoping that maybe this time next year I may be different and can start to see my life improving.
We need to get through the firsts and plan another reunion.
Are you and Kate meeting up in Dec?
I hope you can sort something.
Jules you are quiet Are you okish?
Bet school is busy this term with Christmas activities.The buzz of school life at Christmas with concerts and shows is wonderful. Wish I was back there.
Anyway girls let’s get through November somehow and not think about Dec yet . Small steps needed and brave pants to get through Christmas.