Hi Girls,
How are you all? Sorry I’ve been absent but had a busy week with one thing and another. Hope you are feeling a bit better Deborah, uncanny that you got a sign again with lights…
I’ve had a few fleeting dreams about mum but can’t really remember them much, just that she was there and talking to me.
I made the effort to put up the tree yesterday and a few decorations. We will do Mum’s village later.
I’ve been struggling with the Christmas build up too although last year was worse obviously.
We are going back to stay at the mountains with our friends like last year. Totally different but at least it gets us away from here. Alex can go skiing that way and being out in nature really helps.
I’m struggling with the secondary losses in grief and have been reading about it. It’s bad enough losing the loved one but then come all the secondary losses. For me the house and my home town, our wonderful summer and Christmas traditions there… I feel it’s been all taken away like a rug from under my feet. I’ve read that for some some people it can take years to actually enjoy Christmas again.
This year I definitely feel I’m going through the motions mainly for Alex (and Mum of course whose up there telling me to carry on). I guess it’s all about creating new traditions now…eventually.
Have you started your new job Helen?
Sorry for the depressing post and hope you all have a better start to the week.
Just wanted to check in. Keep going girls!
Love and hugs
K xxx
Hi Kate,
I know exactly how you are feeling. Your post wasn’t depressing. Xmas is getting to us all.
I cant bring myself to put a tree up yet. I feel numb as far as anything to do with Xmas goes. I will put one up but it will be very late.
I am struggling big time with mums house. Meeting the estate agent tom for him to take photos. I have no relatives left living in my home town and its so upsetting. I think I will let the estate agent show any buyers around the house as it will be too painful for me but then I also want to be there to make sure they treat mums house with respect.
I think I will be one of those people who take years to enjoy Xmas again. It will never be the same. Even when I am at mums house now the house is not the same. Her presence was huge. She made the house so cosy and inviting and a fun place to be . Its now a cold sad feeling with no atmosphere.
When i was there a few days ago I changed the bedding and ironed the duvet cover. OMG the smell of the iron just got to me as i hadn’t ironed there for a year. It was the most simple thing and I was in floods.
I cleaned mums house thoroughly and it looks so lovely for tom. I just wish she could see how gleaming her little house is. I am going to get some fresh flowers for the lounge and the dining room and put them in the vases just like mum did.
I honestly dont know if I can get through tom without crying but I will try.
Helen and Jules are you both okish?
Sending love to you all
Deborah x
Good morning ladies, I have been reading your posts but haven’t added for a while. Work is busy. Learning anew after so long working as a SW has been challenging! Luckily safeguarding is the same wherever you work - but the IT?! Let’s not go there. I am extra sad at the moment. Keep thinking of where we were this time last year. I’m heading for a crash without a doubt but just keeping it all below the surface. I’ll message later but just wanted to say hello again and I know we are all feeling it. I just want my Mum xxx
Hi,
Great to hear from you Jules. Keep going my friend .You will crash like I will before mum’s first anniversary and with Xmas but we will all help each other.
Wil post again later as am off out now.
Deborah x
Hi girls, I’m fine but have just been so busy. It’s good that I’m busy as it’s distracting me from slumping into misery.
That was another sign Deborah. The light was your mum telling you it’s okay and she’s doing fine. I really feel for you having to go through the process of selling the house. Like Kate said about secondary grief, we lose a lot more besides the person. I’ve lost my dad in a way as he’s never been the same since mum died. He goes through the motions but he’s not happy. He used to be such fun. Always joking and having a laugh. Totally different now
I start my new job next week on Wednesday so I have another week off. I have a lot of things to do during this week. I’m preparing for the girls coming.
I’m so tired recently. I’ve been going to bed at 9pm at the latest and out like a light. Then I wake up around 3 and just can’t get back to sleep. I dreamt about mum last night but can’t remember the details. I just want her back so much but know that’s not possible.
How is your dad Jules? Hope he’s better. It’s really painful watching them become a shell of their former selves.
I’ll say bye for now and lots of love Hxxx
Hiya Girls,
Have never been so p…off in all my life. Showed the estate agent around yesterday and handed him the keys to show any people around. He said to leave the furniture in the house until a potential buyer came along as it looked so lovely. I said I would show people around but it was obvious he wanted to take on that role so agreed he could. I felt redundant in a way. I did say I wanted to be told when he took anyone there though. I felt so so sad. I can’t even try to explain how I felt bec it seemed so unreal. I hadn’t valued the house properly for probate so he suggested phoning them and explaining o was grief stricken and could the valuation be updated.So will do that next week when I am home. It was all so matter of fact.bitcall got too much for me and I had to leave him there to take the photos as I got so upset. Had to answer so many personal questions about mum that it was so painful. I wanted to just run away.
When we left we decided to go for a spin and ended up staying in a hotel for a few days and are still here. It’s approx an hour’s drive from mum’s house so it was a lovely escape and I have been able to switch off from the world. Just had long lie ins every morning, been out for lunches,done some Xmas shopping and long baths and pamper evenings.Itscfone me the world of good being away from home and all the things I would have done at home.Its given me the time and space to refuel and get my head tog again and to plan what’s next.
I feel exhausted and depressed with everything and even though I am trying so hard to be organised for Xmas and sorting mum’s house I am feeling overwhelmed with life at the moment. We are staying here until Fri so hopefully tom I will get everything I need for Xmas and go home Fri night feeling more me so to speak.
I have read all your posts girls and am thinking if you all. You all have such busy lives and I am in awe of you all. You are all doing your mum’s proud.
I just feel so sad all the time.
Deborah xxxx
Aww Deborah, I feel for you having to go through this. It seems so clinical. I suppose it’s just business to the estate agents as they obviously have no emotional connection to the property.
That sounded just what you needed getting away from it all for a few days. Glad you got some rest and pampering. I was okay but then my sister put a memory on Facebook with no warning. Just turned my phone on this morning and there was mum and her lovely smile. Took the wind out of my sails I can tell you. Anyway I’m okay now. Visiting a friend this afternoon and making an Elsa dress for my eldest granddaughter. Then out with some ladies from church tonight so quite a busy day. It suits me at the moment. Busy busy.
We just need to get through this awful time as best as we can.
Lots of love to you all Hxxx
Thanks Helen.Agree it was very clinical. Just seems like another bereavement selling the house.
Haven’t heard anymore from him but he is sending the proofs to me to approve. It’s just a formality even though I told them they would be fine.
You are doing do well keeping busy. I don’t have any energy at the moment to do much.
I know what you mean about the phone memories.They are awful Just pop up when I switch my phone on too.
I keep thinking if only I had done this or that and if so would mum still be here. I had time to tell her everything I wanted but I am still thinking I wish I had said this or that to her. It’s torture.
Yes Xmas will soon be over and done with but I doubt I wil feel any different. For me and I am pretty sure for you girls also this isn’t going to get easier for a long time.
I have just got to get myself a bit stronger as the tears are always there and start for the least little thing. Sometimes I ask myself am I being too emotional,too weak,too living in the past. No matter how much people say to me I can’t snap out of it. Time is what I and we all need I guess.
We have one more night at the hotel left so making the most of it. Just going to a few shops today to get a few things then chilling back here.
Keep going girls. I am thinking of you all.
Deborah xxx
Hi Girls
I know Deborah, it’s tough with the Estate Agents, it’s just another house to them. It was so hard emptying it and 47 years of memories.
It is indeed just like a second bereavement.
Just try to think of it as bricks and mortar now, that’s the only way I got through it.
The memories are forever in your heart.
Are you getting any help and support from your siblings with the house? I had to do it alone, but it only seems fair they help you out as it’s physically and emotionally exhausting and they should pull their weight.
Helen I’m the same with sleep. I’m going to bed early too. We bought a new Tv with Netflix etc for the bedroom so I tend to fall asleep watching that but then I often wake up around 3/4 then can’t get back off. I just start overthinking everything: mum, the past, present, future… it’s exhausting . I’ve been taking melatonin gummies quite a few times recently as it sends me into a deeper sleep. You could try those as they aren’t too strong like sleeping pills.
Well done on the hotel break Deborah, I’m sure that will recharge your batteries at this difficult time. Really pamper yourself!!
We are off to Manchester tomorrow for our very brief trip and back Sunday afternoon. Alex is so excited to be going to the match!
I’m also happy to be experiencing a bit of British Christmastime, even though I’m missing Gloucester so much and my phone too keeps throwing random photo memories of Christmases past. It’s so painful isn’t it?
Helen and I are planning to meet for a coffee in M&S so we will send a photo! I’m really looking forward to that!
In the New Year we can plan another meet up, all together. Who knows where? Wherever we meet it will need to be near an airport lol!!
Jules, you sound so busy with yr new job but it’s great that you are loving it! You made a big decision in a very difficult year, so be proud of yourself, I’m sure your mum is.!
All our mums are…
I’ll sign off for now girls.
Love and hugs,
K xxxx
Hiya Kate and girls,
I am doing the house all on my own. My sister has said she wants to block everything out and remember mum when she was well. Every time I have spoken to her since mum’s passing she tells me not to talk about anything as she has blocked it all out do I am not getting anywhere with her. If I text her with anything she doesn’t reply so I think she has gone very strange. I thought it was her way of grieving and would change in time but this has been the situation since mum passed My sister lives in London and only visited mum once a year can you believe and that was only when she was on holiday in Tenby and popped in for a few hours. As for my brother he lives in Portsmouth and he has said he can’t help with anything with the house as he works full time. It’s heartbreaking to be honest that they have this attitude and totally inconsiderate towards me and Paul . On the other hand though I was the one that was as l was the one who was always with mum and it would upset me more if they came down to sort her things. I even feel like crying writing about the way they are behaving.
I shall share everything out between the three of us and even though they have said they don’t want anything from the house I will make sure they receive the things mum wanted me to give them.
To be honest they are both a disgrace. They both came down to see mum 5 weeks before she passed and stayed 2 days. I constantly begged them to come down to see her as she was getting worse but I was next with excuses upon excuses. At the moment I am finding it so hard to come to terms with how they both behaved.
So Paul and I are just getting on with it.I promised mum I would sort everything properly and I will.
Most of mum’s furniture is new so I shall keep most of it as my furniture is the opposite lol. I will also feel her close to me when I have her things in my house.
I am thrilled you and Helen are meeting up. We have to keep the links going and meet up whenever any of us can make it. I am sure you will be back over for another match in the New Year lol.
My nearest airport is Cardiff but I can travel anywhere. Or I am sure we could pop over to Italy on our magic carpets lol
Enjoy Manchester and post some photos.Wish I could be with you.
Sending lots of love to you girls
Deborah x
Hi girls, Deborah, I am shocked at the behaviour of your siblings. I think you are allowed to be pissed off with them!! Having said that, it is more negative energy and will just drag your mood down. I think maybe in time you will accept how they are. I think you will come to appreciate the close bond you had with your mum and how much they have missed out on. They are the ones who have missed out. Nothing will ever take the love you shared and still have for your mum.
Kate, I’m really looking forward to meeting up tomorrow. We should come to Italy some time even just overnight would be great. I’m sure there are hotels you can recommend. Anyway, let’s all get through Christmas fit now and that is something to look forward to next year. I too don’t mind travelling anywhere in the UK to meet. I value our friendship a great deal.
I’m feeling okay tbh. I keep thinking I am facing a crash in the new year. I just have too much on at the moment to stop and ponder. Mum is always in my thoughts. I miss her terribly but I have a lot of distractions right now.
Jules, I hope you’re okay love and your dad is feeling better. I remember how you thought he’d given up since your mum passed. Another thing to grieve for; our dads as we knew them.
I’ll say bye for now girls. See you tomorrow Kate. Lots of love to all of you. Hxxx
Hi Girls
Just a quick message as we haven’t long got back to our hotel after being out all day and we are all shattered. It’s so lovely to be in the Uk again.
I have to agree with Helen about your siblings Deborah, and she is right that you shouldn’t create extra stress for yourself thinking about their shocking behaviour. It is their loss. A good friend of mine who has 2 siblings often says she feels like an only child as she’s the only one who is always there for their mum. I really can’t understand their indifference.
It would be great if you could come to Italy. There are direct flights to Bologna from Manchester and from Birmingham to Verona which is about an hour away. That’s Romeo and Juliet’s home town lol and is also very beautiful.
Anyhow I’ll say night night now ladies and see you tomorrow Helen.
Love to all.
K xxxx
Hiya Girls,
Just got home from my mini break and feel refreshed. I managed to get most of my Xmas shopping done late at night when the shops were so quiet and some almost empty.And guess what they font seem to play Xmas music late at night so that was wonderful.
Thanks for reinforcing what I already feel about my brother and sister. I have had years of it with them not visiting mum much and putting themselves and their families first. I have accepted they are very different to me and the way I treated mum. The fact they lived so far away is no excuse as I would have walked barefoot to London if I had been told my mum didn’t have long to live.
Anyway you are so right Helen it will just drag me down further if I ponder over it. I am the sensitive one so it will all get to me and there’s no point in making myself ill over it.
I wish with all my heart I could be with you tom.
What a fab idea to go yo Italy.Kate we haven’t asked you if it’s ok but we are CV coming over ok lol.
Helen you are a star to suggest it.
I can just see you both in M and S tom chatting away over coffee.Well done both for making it happen.
Enjoy your trip Kate.
Post a photo also.
Love Deborah x
We had a really lovely time. Sadly it went too fast. We managed an hour and half together but it felt like 5 minutes! Definitely feel like we are old friends including you Deborah. Maybe me and you can get together in the new year Deborah? I don’t mind driving, we could meet half way? Anyway we can think about that.
Glad the break did you good. Sometimes we don’t know what we need until we’ve done it.
Lots of love Hxxx
Oh my god girls you both look stunning and you have colour co ordinated lol. You both look so well. You look like sisters with your lovely blond hair. Well done for meeting up. I wish I could have been there.
Yes no problem Helen I can meet you anytime and Jules how about you joining us if you can. We will get through Xmas and have a think where’s best to meet up and when. Maybe we could stay the night somewhere as I know fairly cheapish hotels in central Cardiff and perhaps we could book a show or something
How far is Cardiff from you Helen on the train so it saves you driving.Its about 3 hrs from me on the train. Anyway we will definitely do something.
I am going away again tom until Thurs. Staying in a hotel again. I switched off so much last week that I think it’s best I go again. I am just trying to get through the next few weeks.
Have a safe flight home Kate.
Love Deborah x
Hi Girls
I’m back home, it was an intense weekend; a short but lovely stay in Manchester.
It was so lovely to see you Helen. Thanks for making time for our catch up.
As I said before, I’m feeling the secondary grief more this year. I’m really nostalgic for our Christmases in Gloucester. Apart from missing mum, I’m missing all those traditions we had. Last Christmas I was probably in shock, but this year I’m really feeling the loss of my roots. Mum was always my anchor to my hometown and now I feel almost “rootless” if that’s a word…
It was lovely doing Christmas shopping in the shops I used to go into at Gloucester. Luckily not too much Christmas music but browsing around the Christmas section of M&S I could really imagine mum with me.
Well done on the new hotel break Deborah! Good for you! Where are you heading to this week?
You girls should definitely meet up in the new year! Of course Italy will stay on the agenda for 2024… . maybe in the Spring?
Here’s a link to read about Bologna:
As Helen said yesterday, we need to plan ahead so that we have something to look forward to!
