Oh that’s wonderful that your mum was practically living with you there in Italy. What treasured memories for Alex and you. It’s a wonderful thing to have your parents close to you, especially as they get old. Don’t worry too much about how busy life was and that you couldn’t spend as much of your time with your mum. Our mums just delighted in seeing us happy and doing what we loved.
We sold our house last summer and when we were looking for our next house, it was with mum and dad in mind for when they got older. I was seeing if we could build an annex or section part of the house for them to move in if needed. We didn’t find anything suitable in the end so have stayed put for now. We have offered dad to stay with us or move in if he likes but I think he needs his own space for now. Sadly mum never got to be an old lady. Even though she was 78 she was still very young and sprightly. She was always looking for her next adventure. She was cruising along the Norwegian fjords in September and walking up the hills there. Who knew she already had cancer cells growing?!
We have to try and grasp at happiness like our mums did. I felt more positive yesterday and have woke up feeling okayish. I know the deep grief is brewing so will probably come out later today. For now I will allow myself this moment of calm. Have a good day Kate. Hxx
Hi Lawrence, so sorry to hear about your mum and how unexpected it was. It must be hard living in the house you shared with her and surrounded by her things, and all those memories. Sorry to hear you are still struggling but I’ve heard it can take at least 2 years before you turn a corner. You just have to allow the grief to take its natural course, however long that is. I lost my beloved mum just over 3 weeks ago so I am just at the beginning of my grief. Up until yesterday, more or less every single day has been unbearable. Although I still cried throughout the day, the pain was not as intense and it was good to have respite from the utter agony. I know it will come back with a vengeance, probably later today but for now I am grasping at the lessened pain. I find this forum a massive help. Just the feeling of isolation is diminished reading everyone else’s experiences. You are not alone. We are all here because we needed a lifeline and found this and each other. Sending you love and strength. Helen xx
Hi Helen, I’m so glad to hear that you are feeling better. It’s very true that grief comes in waves, but the calm between them gradually gets longer. My waves come crashing in usually when I’m alone at home working or driving. It feels more natural to cry it out and talk to mum when it’s just me. My boss said if I want to go to the office more I can, but why fight these waves I tell myself, its all part of the healing process.
From what you say your mum was very active and sprightly, I can imagine for that reason it was even more of a shock, she certainly enjoyed her life right til the end.
Looking back with hindsight, mum over the last 12-14 months had been becoming more and more fragile, losing weight, more fatigued, appetite not great, though I used to love cooking and trying to tempt her with different dishes. I’m very grateful that she lived to 85, especially in light of her health problems over the years.
She never gave up bless her, right to the end and she never complained about her health even though her heart was obviously failing. When she said “I won’t be here much longer”, I used to dismiss it and tell her not to say things like that. I think I didn’t want to accept it, to deny it to myself and I wanted to encourage her to not give up the ghost. Now I think I could have been more gentle and understanding. I think we just assumed our mums would be around for ever don’t we? Even my cousin said that she thought mum was invincible at times. She just seemed to soldier on, that’s why it was such a shock.
How’s your sleeping? Are you still feeling very tired? I remember for the first week I was so utterly exhausted, never known anything like it.
Probate emailed me today saying they received my application, now for the wait. One step at a time I guess.
Hope you’ve had a good day.Kxxx
Thank you dor you words Helen. I found that for the first few months, even though was struggling to sleep, I was in a sort of bubble of denial or disbelief. I did get some visitation dreams with her speaking to me though. It was more like 6 months on that the grief really hit me in a more raw way… but that could also be because of my own illness and it being autumn etc. I know I should try to keep busier and distracted byt ny tendency is to wallow in the grief. I still sometimes scream or shout out in grief and shock. It’s just not something you ever think will happen…your Mum dying. I just live from day to day, fighting to get my own life back. I shall try to keep up with your progress. Hugs.
Hi Kate. Yes I have been trying to go with the grief, mostly when I’m alone. I feel if I try and suppress it, it will be worse later. Who knows? That’s what I’m hoping. I am still working on the garden. I’ve generally managed an hour then started crying so just wanted to go indoors. Yesterday I managed a good 2 hours! I find if I plan my days I’m better. The days which have no plans are worse. My husband is at work in the day and because I’m off, I seem to have a lot of time to myself. It’s been good to go with the grief but I am ready to go back to work although nervous as I am so fragile right now.
My sleep is still very broken. I wake up maybe 4 times in the night and then struggle to get back to sleep as my mind is fixated on mum. I go back to naps periodically after the first wake up. The nightmares have stopped thank god as they were like something from a horror film. I haven’t had a visitation dream for a couple of days. They always make me so sad when I wake up and the reality hits me 
I felt guilty yesterday as although I was sad and cried for mum, it wasn’t the excruciating sadness where I’m trying to cuddle myself and shouting out. It’s strange how your mind works. I had to tell mum I was still totally heartbroken and would give everything and anything for even another hour with her.
How are you sleeping? Have you taken anything to help you sleep? I have some tablets but haven’t taken them as I’m off work so if I don’t sleep it doesn’t really matter. Have you been able to laugh yet? I mean like a real happy laugh? When you were with your friends? I feel like I’ll never properly laugh ever again.
Have you anything planned for the weekend? Hxxx
Hi, Lawrence, it sounds like your grief has been delayed and is finally coming out now. I think it does have to come out eventually. In the nearly 4 weeks since my mum died I have suffered agonising, debilitating grief. I’ve been able to just let it happen. The last couple of days, although I’m obviously still heartbroken and very weepy it hasn’t been as intense. Maybe, because I was like this early, I’ve got it out already? I’m hoping that the worst of the pain is over but I do think that the intense agony will probably return but maybe the spaces between will widen. I am easily plunged into the depths of despair at the moment. An advert for Disney world came on the TV. Mum came into a small inheritance about 20 years ago when my kids were young. She could have spent the money on herself or fixing her house but instead she paid for us all to go to Disney world Florida. We had a wonderful time and mum absolutely loved it. It set me off for a while. Seeing her handwriting, her trainers still in the house. It’s really hard. I make myself do exercise each day, usually swimming as it gives my day a purpose right now. I’m currently working on the garden ready for a ‘celebration of mums life’ gathering in the summer. I think at the moment it’s a case of getting through these initial weeks, months, maybe even years as best we can. Maybe try and allow yourself an hour each day to feel some joy, whatever that may be. Take care H xxx
Hi Helen, I think you will feel better once you go back to work as your days will have more of a structure. To be honest I have laughed, and when I’m in the office with my colleagues we do have a good laugh now and then. It felt strange at first, but I know that mum would want that and your mum too!
I feel mum’s in my dreams most nights but I can’t always remember them. Id love to have one where we hug each other tightly and she tells me that everything is ok…but I havent had that yet.
I started taking melantonin soft chews now and again since day 1 but the effect wears off after about 4 hours anyway. If I’ve had a particularly hard day I take one.
Our weekends mainly involve standing on freezing cold football pitches for hours following Alex’s team… I hope he remembers that when he’s rich and famous!! 
Have you anything nice planned for the weekend?
Kxxx
Hi Kate, it gives me hope to hear you’ve been able to laugh. That’s good. I hope I will soon as I’m naturally quite a happy, cheerful person so all this misery is not my thing at all!!
Oh touchline mums?! My kids were never into football which is strange as their dad is and extended family are big footy fans. My mum was a massive Man City fan. She used to take them but they just never took to it. My son is now 30 and hates football but told my mum he’ll become a City fan for her, before she died. That made her smile 
We’ll see. I remember all the things we did when our kids were young; horse riding, guitar/piano lessons, cubs, brownies, gymnastics but never football. Happy days.
This weekend I am plodding on with the garden. My husband is really happy because I’ve told him we can light a bonfire to burn all the dead wood I’ve been chopping down. He’s like a 10 year old. Getting it all prepared now, so excited 
The garden has been like therapy this week as it’s all for my mum and I’ve been chatting to her a bit. Just listening to the birds and feeling the sun on my face has been a real tonic.
I will look into the melantonin for sleep as still waking up a lot. Are you coming back to the UK to sort your mums house/probate? Or can you do it online. I hope it’s not too complex for you.
It’s been such a help chatting to you on here and really reduced my sense of isolation in all this. It’s my birthday in 3 weeks and I don’t want to celebrate this year. It just makes me think of mum as a young 26 year old with her new healthy baby girl. Her life ahead of her. It just makes me feel too sad. I’ve asked my family to just donate to Sue Ryder as this forum has been a godsend for me. I’ve promised them I will cheer up for next year! 
Have a good weekend, whatever you’re up to. Even if it’s freezing at the football, enjoy. Speak soon Hxx
Helen 51, What a lovely idea to donate to Sue Ryder. I wish I had thought of that. Agree it has helped me so much too. People’s replies have been from the heart and i am totally overwhelmed that people care about other people so much when they are going through this themselves.
Deborah x
Hi Deborah, hope you’re doing okay. I’ve been more weepy since coming in from the garden. I can feel the anxiety brewing inside and it comes out as tears. I was doing better but feel utterly heartbroken again now. This forum is my saviour. Yes, the honest accounts of peoples experiences make me say ‘that’s how I feel, me too! I’ve tried to encourage my dad to go on here, but he’s trying to push everything to the back of his mind which is a worry as it will come out eventually. How have you been since your mums funeral? Hxx
Hi Helen, that’s a lovely idea for your birthday! It’s true, this forum is a bloody lifeline. My birthday was 8 weeks after mum died. My partner and friends organised a little surprise meal but I was just feeling very flat all day and I had no desire to celebrate. I wrote a letter to mum explaining how I felt.
March will be a difficult month for me I know. Mother’s Day, Mum’s birthday and the start of Spring. Mum always came out to us in March and last year was the last time she joined us forever. Mum loved Spring and the new beginnings… it was her season. When I see the first daffodils and Spring flowers, the first warm rays of sun, the Easter eggs everywhere, days getting longer, nature waking up from it’s long sleep, I think it will hit me all over again that she’s gone and missing it all. 
I’ve completed the probate application online a few weeks ago and now I just have to wait up to 16 weeks they say. The plan is we come to Gloucester for a week or so when Alex breaks up from school in June to sort out the house.My boss has said that it won’t be a problem to have a week or so off. This will be heartbreaking for me. I’m getting emotional just thinking about it. It was our family home since 1976…
I’m glad the gardening is helping you and giving you a focus. Is it cold there? Here it’s very cold but sunny… I froze my socks off again this afternoon at the match although I had my thermal layers on! 
It’s really helped me talking to you too, I do feel less alone and it means so much. 
Sending hugs.Kxx
Hi Helen 51,
Since last Mon when it was mams funeral it has been very strange. I feel lost and more weepy. People have stopped talking about her and of course no one needs to ask me anything about the funeral day so I feel redundant if you know what i mean. Life goes on and i have noticed its annoying me. I don’t say anything to anyone but I cant stand the small talk about rubbish so I tend to switch off and leave everything go over my head and its only when prompted for an answer that I sort of tune back in again . I know I a being miserable and people are just trying to get on with their lives themselves but I just cant at the moment. As it is with everyone else my Mam was with me all the time so where do I begin to start carrying on without her. I just cant be bothered to do anything.
I still have to go through probate and sell mams house so i guess that’s the next step for me
Deborah x
Hi Deborah, yes I’ve heard once the funeral is over people are a bit like ‘right, let’s just get on with life again now!’ It doesn’t work like that when it’s your mum who died. It will probably get a bit worse now as you haven’t got the practicalities of arranging a funeral etc to do. The magnitude of the loss of your mum will hit hard now the funeral is over. I just try and go with the grief while I’m off work. I just cry it out. Painful as it is, I think it has to come out.
Oh the everyday chit chat is meaningless. I totally get that you just zone out as your mind cannot cope with the trivial crap when you are this devastated. Some old neighbours of mum and dads came round to dads literally about 4 days after mum had died. They are just people they knew years ago, not close friends at all. Dad was being polite and offered them a brew and they said yes. They sat down and after the initial ‘so sorry to hear about Marjorie’ started going on about their grandchildren etc. I just thought ‘are you for real?!’ I know people mean well and probably don’t know what to say but it’s very irritating.
I’m also wondering about the future and I get a bit panicky if I think about it too much. I still can’t believe that mum has gone. She was a massive part of my life, I saw her all the time, I loved and still love her so much. I ache to cuddle her. I dreamt about her last night. I was next to her on the floor and we just had our arms around each other. It was dad who had died in my dream then I realised it was mum who had died. I woke up crying. I am so sick of feeling sad all the time and my brain fixated on mum. I can’t think of anything else. I hope it gets easier for us soon Hxx
Hi Kate, oh I do get what you mean about spring. My mum loved it too. She always commented on the fresh green leaves in May and the new life everywhere. My god this is tough isn’t it? It’s like the sunshine has gone from out lives and we are trying to crawl around in the dark. I’m trusting when people say it gets easier. I still feel so lost and empty. The world seems a scary place without mum. I had a good cry in the car earlier. I was alone driving and it just came on. I was just shouting at mum ‘where are you, mum? Please come to me!’ I just got home, wiped my face and went straight out for a dog walk. I just needed to do something. I’m taking dad to the bank tomorrow to let them know mum has died. I find it so hard saying mums date of birth. It’s so much more than just a date to me. It’s the day my beautiful mum entered the world, the day we’ve had parties, family meals, trips to places to celebrate. 2nd September 1944 is one if the most important dates ever and yet people just write it like it’s just numbers. Of course it’s just numbers to other people, I know that logically, but to me it means so very much. I’ve noticed I’m very sensitive about things like that. I know it’s because my emotions are in overdrive but I will be glad when sorting all these finances, pensions, DVLA, insurance etc is done.
Hope you’ve had a good weekend Hxx
Hi i know how you feel. I have just been on the phone trying to stop mams telephone. OH my gosh they asked me her name etc and i just burst into tears . The lady is ringing me back in 10 mins How sad it is that I cant even make a phone call. I feel so helpless
Deborah x
Hi Helen,
I know it’s awful filling in mum’s dob, but even worse filling in the date of death. Those 2 dates like 2 bookends defining our dear mums’ life. I found it very difficult filling int the probate application for that reason and kept putting it off. It just didn’t seem real …even now after 19 weeks.
I’ve had very little support …well none…from mum’s family in Uk. Her youngest and only living sibling is absent, as she was in the last year of her life. Only an older cousin of mine has been fantastic checking the house,mail, sending off docs for me and just checking in on me.
I told mum when she was alive that she would probably be the only one I would stay in contact with. My 3 godparents?.. nothing.I don’t want to be bitter. but there is a lot of resentment and disappointment.
Oh well you can’t choose your family I guess, yet when I was a child we were all so close.
I’m always crying and talking to mum when driving too… it helps to go over things in my head. I’m off to see my counsellor in a bit. Another emotional day I guess. I find the start of every week difficult, another week without her.
Hope you’ve had a peaceful day. Take care.Kxx
It’s so draining. Grief is exhausting. I went to 2 banks today with dad. Hearing him tell the lady ‘my wife passed away 15th January’ was heartbreaking. I went back to his for a cup of tea afterwards but when I got home, another massive crying episode. My eyes are sore. My poor husband is trying his best but I know I’m being horrible to him. He said ‘you just need to get over this bit’ I went mad. I was shouting at him ‘I’ll never get over this! How the hell am I ever going to get over this when I have to spend the rest of my life without my mum?!!!’ (That’s the polite version!) He only meant I will feel better when I move past this raw, excruciating pain phase but I gave it him with both barrels. I don’t like myself right now or my life. Are you getting any joy from the day at all Deborah? Xx
Hi Helen
No am in bed.Depression has hit me big time well not depression but grief.I can’t function except post on here so I guess I am a to least trying to do something. I am not interested in what my husband is talking about so I switch off.I just keep looking around the house and so much needs like cleaning sorting etc but I honestly can’t move to do anything.Its worse than ever after the funeral.I did manage to sort mam’s phone and emailed probate so that’s two things I have done today so pat on the back for me
Keep in touch
Deborah x
Hi Kate, I can relate to what you say about family. You really do see how family rifts can form in all this. I have two sisters. My older sister has been fantastic. It was basically me and her sorting everything to get mum home, moving furniture for getting the hospital bed etc. and now it seems to be us two taking care of dad. Our younger sister has been going round less than us and like a visitor. Going for a brew and then going home. Not dealing with any of the shit we are sorting. I’m not going to fall out with her as it would break mums heart but she has p***ed me off a bit. My son has messaged me everyday but my daughter has sent maybe 3 messages in the 4 weeks since mum died. I know she’s pregnant and has two small kids so obviously life is hectic but honestly, how hard is it to send a message? It’s so disappointing. I’m not falling out with anyone but it does make you see things differently.
Going back to your mums house is going to be so tough. When my parents moved from my childhood home about 20 years ago I was so emotional and that was just a move. My heart goes out to you having to go to the house you lived in with your mum. You don’t realise all these other layers to your grief until you are faced with them.
I think it’s hard with Alex when you don’t want him seeing you crying all the time. I have the ‘luxury’ of being alone quite a lot at the moment so can just let it out. I was going to phone my boss today about going back for just one day next week but I’ve had a bad day and it’s just made me hold fire. Will I ever be ready to go back to work? I’m going to have to face that first day back at some point. Have you starting organising your mums memorial celebration? Hxx
Oh Deborah, I can feel your pain. I could easily just stay in bed too. I’ve forced myself to go swimming each morning. I just have my bag ready wake up and go. It’s made me get up each day. It’s not easy but it’s my salvation at the moment. If I cry in the pool I can just splash my face. I listened to the Lisa Riley podcast on here. She’s still really emotional 9 years after her mum died I also went on YouTube for peoples stories on how they coped with losing their mum. I watched a video from a young woman who lost her mum very suddenly. I don’t know why, but it’s helped me seeing how people have survived this. I need that hope right now. Everyone’s grief is so individual. We just have to do what works for us. If staying in bed is right for you now, then so be it. I feel like I’m in some kind of car crash and I’m trapped in the wreckage. I can hardly breathe sometimes. Please keep in touch and post as often as you need to even if it’s 10 times a day. We need to help and support each other as we go through this absolute hell! Sending you love and thoughts Helen xx