Hi ,
Just wanted to say hope you are all keeping strong after getting through Christmas and the New Year. It’s not a fresh start at all and makes no difference in our grieving that it’s a New Year. Helen am still thinking about you and praying you are getting through each day somehow.
I came home yesterday after meeting the buyer of mum’s house at her house as he wanted to measure up for curtains and carpets. Didn’t realise this sort of thing happened until they actually had the keys but I agreed anyway. It was emotional especially when he told me he wanted to turn mum’s beautiful quaint dining room into wait for it a gym!!!. I really think it’s best I don’t know too much about what he intends to do as it was upsetting and travelling back and all night I felt my mood changing and getting depressed. It’s the smallest thing that can start us off isn’t it.
I guess I am not ready to see changes at mums house but I realise once sold that’s it.
I felt really great after spending a few days alone at mums and got through the first anniversary okish. I was having ME time at mums just like old times then a half hour visit to measure up set me right back again. I came home and my emotions have been all over the place , having outbursts of tears over nothing, snappy, and feeling lethargic Then something happened tonight over a ring which I will post about tom as it’s late now. Feel so much better now.
Love to you all
Deborah x
Hi,
Just wanted to tell you what happened yesterday to me. I think I am losing the plot.
I came home from mums house night before last and started looking for a ring I couldn’t find. I thought I had it on at mums but couldn’t find it there when I left so thought it was at home.
Cutting a long story short I hunted my house for it and Paul and I were even looking through bin bags as I was so distraught. I couldn’t stop crying.
I looked everywhere but nothing.
So yesterday morning we went back to mum’s house and hunted for it. Paul even took the sink back of as we thought it had gone down the sink. I have worn it almost every day for years and mum was with me when i bought it. Anyway we gave up as looked in every draw cupboard etc. Thought it has to be home so went home.
Same again spent hours looking in every draw, room, bins searched again but nothing. I started having a panic attack so at 7pm we went back to mum’s house as Paul thought it might have fallen behind the bedroom units.
Just before left our house and I was crying I held mum’s photo and said please mum guide to find the ring. Kept repeating it all the way to her house.
I had the shock of my life when I got to mum’s bec her house lights were on. Paul went in first and mum’s neighbour called me in to her house so I went in to see her. I looked shocked and told her the lights were on and she said when she got home from work at 5 30pm there were no lights on and she was 100% sure.
Anyway I went into mum’s and to the bedroom where I had slept and Paul was busy checking behind the units. I went round to the side of the bed where I slept and before moving the unit to check behind I moved the musical ornament. The one that started playing on it’s own a few weeks ago. Underneath was my ring. I couldn’t believe it.
At the same time a fly came into the room and Paul said we don’t get flies at this time of year and we hadn’t had any doors or windows open all day. We both said where did that come from. At exactly the same time Paul said look what I have found behind the unit and it was a bookmark with Mum on it and a verse. I had given it to mum years ago.
It was sign after sign after sign I feel. When I came home I kept saying there were no signs at all from her whilst I was at the house and I was so disappointed. It’s like she guided me to the ring then reinforced it was her with the bookmark but I am still baffled about the fly.
Told you I was losing it didn’t I ?
Deborah x
Helen just want to let you know I am thinking of you xxx
Deborah x
Hi all, it really does sound like your mum is with you and helping you in times of stress! It’s so alarming to lose something precious and such a relief to find it again. I’m back in my own house now, and thought I’d feel better but really I don’t for some reason. I drink too much when am alone and my Mum would be upset with me for this. It doesn’t help anything. Just makes night time easier. Oh I miss her these past days, my birthday is tomorrow and although we never did much forbirthdays, the wee things my Mum would do meant the world. Just a card and a phone call. My heart breaks a bit again today. Hope youre all coping in thisNewYear, at least the weatherhas improved. G xx
Also meant to say I watched the tale of the curious mouse at Christmas, it’s really special in its depiction of grief and mourning. I especially liked when Sofie, Roald Dahl’s mother said to Alison Steadman in the tea shop, even on the darkest days, there will be light, we choose how we respond to the darkness, and she chose to be brave. I think it was lovely and I do want to be brave but don’t feel that way today. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be braver. xx
Hi Eveyone,
Juniper to be honest wherever we are in the world we will always feel this awful deep sadness as we had so much love for our mums. Whatever situation we are in or whatever time of year it is we will always feel the same. Its just so heartbreaking. I haven’t watched the film you mentioned but will look for it. I also drank too much in the first few weeks so you are not alone in that. It knocked me out so I could sleep but I realised my mum would tell me off big time for drinking too much. It just numbed the pain for a short while and when you cant sleep or function enough to look after yourself it helped. But only in the short term. Thankfully I realised what I was doing to myself and stopped.
Helen how are you getting on ? I am thinking about you every day and wondering how you Tom and your family are. I still can’t get my head around what has happened.
Jules and Kate how are you both? I expect you are still off work with the hoildays and your children. The schools go back next week here. Not sure about where you are.
I am busy getting all the paperwork done for the solicitor. Done everything they sent me and the surveyor for the buyer sent me a very long list of questions so done all that also. I did it all yesterday and my goodness it was upsetting. I had to keep stopping and going back to it as it was all getting to me. I kept saying to myself its just a house to them which is right but I was coming from the emotional attachment to it.
@Peterb and @ Peter67 are you both okish ?
Just glad I have you all to share my feelings with x
Keep going everyone
Deborah x
Morning All
How are you all? Helen, you are always in our thoughts. I hope the little ones are bringing you comfort at this sad and difficult time.
Here it’s raining hard but I was shocked to see the floods in Gloucestershire just half a mile from my mum’s house. It’s terrible. the river Severn broke its bank and the water has spilled over the flood plain and into the nearby villages. Poor people there. I’m hoping the sale will go through asap as it’s such a worry especially being so far away.
Deborah try not to think about what they will do with your mum’s house, I don’t consider mum’s house our home any more. The local council are buying it (fingers crossed) to develop it for a housing project so what will be will be.
I have to have a detached attitude or it would get to me too much as I loved that home so much.
I went back to work on Wednesday and Alex is back at school Monday.
I hate January, such a long, grey month. Mum hated it too. Once I’d left Gloucester after Christmas, we’d be counting the days until she would come over to stay with us in March for her birthday, Spring and Easter.
It just seems impossible that those traditions are gone. We have to navigate this new life as hard as it is for us all. We must try to look to the future with optimism as our dear mums would want.
Sending love to everyone here. 
K xxxx
Hiya Kate,
You are so right. The least I know about what the new buyer will do the better.
Am hoping to complete before March 1st so that it gives me time to sort out the capital gains tax as the exemption for it reduces in the next financial year to £3k from £6k which is bad news for me. Need to get it all done and dusted before then.
Yes the floods have been bad here too.
We have been ok but the village where our chalet is has had terrible flooding. Luckily our chalet is on higher ground so we have been ok.
Also the weather changed for the better yesterday and it’s actually sunny here today and forecast for the next few days.
I still haven’t taken my decorations down I didn’t want to take them up now I don’t want to take them down !!!
Mum and I never really did much in Jan as I was always worried about taking her out in the cold weather. But she loved the sales esp M and S so we always made an effort to go there.
I find it so hard going into M and S now without her. I used to tease her she should move in there as she loved it so much.
Helen think about you all the time. Come bach when you are ready my dear friend x
Ok everyone let’s do our best to get through Jan. If anyone feels down or down more than usual remember we are all here for each other and just post on here.
Love to you all
Deborah x
Hi girls, I’m here still, checking in on you. Reading your feeling/issues regarding the house sales is now something I have to do. We are in no rush, but I’ve started making contact with the executors of dads will. They wrote the wills in 1993 and it was some company in Middlesex. I’m trying to see if they will allow me to use my own legal representation. Personally I like the coop for these things. They dealt with mum’s cremation and are now dealing with dads and they are just so good.
We are holding a celebration of mum and dad’s lives on 22nd January. There will be a small gathering at church of around 30 people and then on to a lovely pub for food and informal get together. We really want the church service to be quite joyous as their lives were. Just gathering ideas now and getting the bookings sorted etc. mum and dad were soul mates. They did everything together. It seems fitting to celebrate them both together.
I’m missing dad terribly. I went to his house yesterday. It seems crazy but I went in the kitchen and called to the front room ‘just brewing up dad and grabbing some biscuits’ then I just burst into tears. It’s an odd feeling as I haven’t got that terrible feeling in my gut where I can’t eat or sleep like I had for mum. Honestly, I absolutely adored (still do) my dad so I’ve been feeling guilty that I’m not a hopeless wreck like I was with mum. When I cried so much at dads, it felt good in a strange way as it felt right. I think it will hit me more once all the kids have gone back and I’m back to normal life. Then the gaping hole of mum and dad’s absence will hit me. I’ve spent all my life seeing my parents several times a week so I really don’t know what I will do with myself. Life feels so flat and empty now.one day I will pick myself up though. I’m determined but will also allow myself to feel this pain.
Thankyou for all your care girls, it means the world. I promise I’m doing okay.
I need to get this month out of the way. The life celebration, the kids going back etc. but then we need to start planning a little trip to Italy. I’m thinking May? Anyway, see how we feel. Lots of love to you all Hxxx
Kate, it’s awful seeing the floods. I feel so sad when people’s homes and livelihoods are ruined. We’ve had lots of rain up north too but we live in a hill so never get affected personally. It’s been a beautiful day today. We’ve been up to the lake district with the kids and went to Beatrix Potter world in Windermere. I struggle to have any enthusiasm for anything right now but I tried to see it through the girls’ eyes. They loved it. We were hoping to go on a boat trip on lake Windermere but the only ones running were 80 minutes which is too long for the girls as they are so young. It looked so beautiful. I automatically was thinking dad would love it here, taking all his photos 
love Hxxx
Hi Helen,
So so lovely to hear from you and the photos are lovely.
Your plans for the celebration of life for your mum and dad are so fitting for them. It’s true a sad time.
Take your time with the house. It’s always going to be difficult whatever you decide but I am glad I didn’t sell mum’s straight away.
You need time to heal after all this.Time for just you. We will be here for you.
Am thinking of you xxx Deborah xx
Ah Helen I have been thinking of you. I went back to work last Tuesday after Christmas break. Hampshire break up before the rest of the world it seems! Think they are realigning next year as strange breaking up so soon. Reading your message breaks my heart as I think I will be in the same situation before long. Like your parents, my Mum and Dad were soul mates. Met at 19 and parted at age 82 for Mum. I also had that gaping hole and sick feeling in my heart and body when Mum passed. Dad was her main carer for 4 years and myself and sister popped in at least twice a week. Also helped with the cooking and bathing of Mum when Dad was tired. I relocated from Oxford twenty years ago ( I was born in Romsey) and was so glad I was geographically close to Mum and Dad when they needed me. When I was a social worker I used to book visits as close to them as possible to ensure I could pop in for a cuppa with Mum as often as possible. There is a hole in my heart and life that will never be filled. But, when it comes to Dad I’m hoping I will get some peace they are together jiving away in heaven and enjoying their new life. The hole will get bigger but hoping there will be peace. Dad doesn’t want to be here. He has given up. I have a gym assessment this morning ( yes, after a 4 year break I’m getting back in!). I still Zumba regularly but I need to build more exercise and structure in my life. My parents were excellent dancers and passed that passion on to me.! I’m so glad Christmas is over. It really shone a light on Mum’s absence and Dad’s increased frailty.
I hope the celebration of Dad’s life goes just as you planned. Will be sad but a day to all come together and remember him for the man he is. I say is, not was, because I truly believe all that is loved is never lost.
Deborah/ Kate: Hope you are doing ok and maybe like me, you are glad Christmas is over. Xx
Lovely words to Helen Jules. Yes I am very glad it’s all over. Decorations are all down and concentrating on the house sale now for Jan and Feb. Has to be done so am braving myself.
Keep going . You are doing so well
Deborah x
Hi All,
Hope you are doing ok. Helen, some lovely photos and I’m sure you are making memories with all your family despite this sad time. I’m so glad they are all here to support you.
You may well feel worse once they’ve left, but we will all be here for you. It’s a lovely idea for the celebration of life too; something more informal and as joyous as can be in the circumstances.
I remember going on holiday to the Lake District when I was about 7. Dad drived all the way up there (it took about 7/8 hours in his Old Ford Cortina lol) and it rained every day, but he loved to be out in nature and bird watching, I remember staying in a b&b in Morecombe. A really beautiful part of the country.
Jules, I can imagine you are worried about your dad. It’s so often the case that soul mates do go within a short space of each other, like they need to be reunited. My grandparents were the same. My gran unfortunately was never the same without grandad, it was so sad to see.
I’ve been feeling quite lethargic over the past few days with all the non stop rain.
I too need to get my skates on and try to get back into more of a healthy living vibe after the holidays. Our little pooch was born on 29th December and we will have her at the end of February. We can’t wait, I really hope she will bring some much needed joy into our house.
I really am glad that Christmas is over, by far the worst time for me.
Deborah hope you are doing ok too.
I’m off for now, love and hugs to everyone.
K xxxx
@Hallard123
Firstly I’m so sorry for your loss and sending heartfelt condolences
Secondly
That’s exactly how I feel, my mum passed 4 months ago and I feel like nobody understands what I’m feeling or how difficult it is to just get up and try to get through each day and function, which Ive managed to do but Christmas and the new year has truly brought me right back to the pit of my stomach with grief and heartbreak.
This platform has given me so much strength and support and I hope that you find some comfort with people like myself who can fully understand what you are going through xx
Hi VictoriaB1,
Welcome to our posts. We understand exactly what you are going through. So post away and feel you are amongst people who support each other. That horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach is truly the most horrible feeling.
Kate I bet you are looking forward to having your little pooch soon. What are you going to call he/she ?
Yes Christmas was the worst for me . Far worse than New Years Eve.
Jules my grandparents were the same as Kate’s. I can understand how worried you are about him
Helen as Kate said we will be here for you. You helped us get through so much this time last year and we will do the same for you x.
Here’s to us all looking after ourselves more in 2024 and getting a little stronger
Love to everyone
Deborah x
Thank you all x
hi VictoriaB1 and everyone, it does help to read the conversations here, and it helps to post on it too, the girls here are so supportive and really do listen, more so than anyone in my own life. I was doing ok initially after New Year, but then had my birthday on the 6th and feel right back at square one, not able to get out of bed etc. The temperature is below zero, so this doesn’t help (I hate winter), but I can usually get myself through it to some extent. I see friends online all doing fun winter things outside, hillwalking and having energy to do such things, and that used to be me (albeit a few years ago - I lost enthusiasm for life after my mum had her first TIA stroke and during Covid). I hope to feel better sometime soon. I swim (indoors) at the local pool and feel this is helpful in the short term. Take care, you are still early in this journey, maybe it takes many ups and downs. Best wishes and hugs to all. G xx
Hi Juniper,
Birthdays always set you back I was the same. Same here I have lost all enthusiasm and energy for life but we will get there. It’s just going to take us longer. You have been through much so give yourself time. Keep posting
Deborah x